On Sunday, October 18, 2026, I marked the 25 year anniversary of the night that I met Sean Mobley. We eventually dated. He struggled with addiction for years, and eventually ended his life in December of 2021. We went for long intervals without contact, but when we did speak he often mentioned that of all the people he dated, that I was the kindest, and based on a smattering of stories he shared, I believed him. He had a lot of bad experiences; a lot of demons, and many horrible things happened to him in those last years. He wasn’t always the easiest person to communicate with, but I always cherished our time together and I miss him.
I tried to not get depressed or lost in past, which is one of my struggles. I tried to eat healthy food that day – and to be kind to myself, with some success at both.
On Monday, October 19, I went with Aaron to his therapy appointment. I’m getting more in the habit of this trip, the route we drive, the pace of the therapy and our trip home after when I drive. In fact, on this day I drove us all the way home, which was a first for me. I’ve never driven in Manhattan like this before, which went really well. I was lucky, because there was far less traffic than there often is, but I was also more skilled in dealing with the stuff that bothers me than I had thought possible, so that was nice.
That afternoon I decided I’d revisit some LGBTQ films I watched during the pandemic, a film project that at the time had kept me sane in lockdown and which grew into a viewing of several hundred queer films – and eventually, many film reviews, but not only didn’t I know that was something that would happen, in the beginning, I just wanted to watch movies and that’s all there was to it, so there are lots of entries that I never really wrote anything about. Now I can. So I re-watched the first entry that I originally watched on March 18, 2020, “Geography Club”, a 2013 adaptation of the 2003 young adult novel by queer American author Brent Hartinger…and I think even that description is more than I originally wrote about it. I’ll try to write the review later today.
I haven’t watched any more Avatar since the other day. I have watched the VisionQuest episodes as they’ve been released (with episodes 3 & 4 released on Tuesday 10-20-26) and I’m loving that. There are so many shows I’d like to get to, but I also don’t want to spend all of my time watching TV.
Speaking of October 20, that day I had a follow-up appointment with my new Primary Care Physician. Technically, I’ve been seeing him for years, but with a different doctor as my PCP, but the the guy I’ve been seeing, is great in many ways, but has failed me a few times now, in ways that have hurt my trust in him. I can always go back and see him in a pinch if I have to, but my new PCP is funny, gay, and most importantly, brilliant. He always asks me questions that the other doesn’t, and puts me on a path that feels productive, responsive and responsible. I feel good about this.
Yesterday, October 21, 2026, was easily the worst day I’ve had in a long time. Everything went wrong. Anything I tried to do, failed. I was planning on working on a photo project because I was going to have the apartment to myself, only Aaron didn’t leave. I love when Aaron is here, but I had specifically made plans based on what he’d told me, so that was disappointing. It wasn’t that big of a deal though. I decided I’d go for a walk, but the outfit I chose wasn’t warm enough; the forecast I’d seen had said it was going to be in the 70s, but it was in the high 50s. I returned home to get a jacket, but the jacket caught on something, injuring me, and spoiling the mood. Again, not a huge deal. I had plenty of things I needed to do on my website, so I changed, and got ready for an afternoon spent at my desk, but then the internet went out. Aaron asked if I’d like to go to his rehearsal that night and I thought about it and decided that I would, and that’s when the migraine kicked in. I took medication, and I ate, but none of it stayed down. I cancelled. I decided I’d stay in and relax and watch some television. I’ve been slowly working my way through Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for years, and when they crossover with other shows, I watch those episodes. The other day I’d finished Season 23 and had started Season 4, which began with a crossover between Organized Crime (Part 1), SVU (Part 2) and the original Law & Order (Part 3) – and I had watched the first 2, so I tried watched the third part, only that season is one that isn’t available on streaming. I tried just skipping to the next SVU, but it kept crashing. I’m not even listing everything. I didn’t cry. But I sometimes felt like crying. It was horrible. Before I slept I was able to keep some toast down, and by then it felt like a huge victory.
I slept well. I woke up early and had a smoothie, then went back to bed, finally finished reading “Magic’s Pawn”, then cuddled with Aaron for a few hours. Today, October 22, 2026, is our 15 year anniversary! He’s working today but we’re planning on doing something on Saturday. I’d like to go to the Brooklyn Boardwalk as I’ve never been there, but Aaron would like to Botanical Gardens. Perhaps we’ll do both? We’ll see. I look forward to reading “Magic’s Promise”, which is the last novel I need to reread before the new entry comes out in December, though there are a few short stories I should probably look back on. I’ll work that out later.
A week ago today, I got a Facebook message from Jeff Adkins, a friendly guy I hooked up with a little over 26 years ago. I do try to stay in touch with everyone I’ve ever dated / hooked up with, which I’m sure must seem weird to some people. It seems weird to me sometimes too, but coming of age during the AIDS crisis, we were encouraged to have contact information for anyone we had sex with, and that has stuck with me. Plus, I just genuinely like talking to people that I know intimately. Anyways, it was good to hear from him; he has a new book coming out that he’s written called “The F#ckboy Recovery Guide” which will be released next month. He wanted me to read it, which I was flattered by, but just like with several other friends who are authors, I had to let him know that I’m an extremely slow reader. I don’t think I conveyed (but should have) that I also have a hard time focusing on any one thing. I start lots of books, with the intention of finishing them, but then I see something shiny and off I go. It’s become far worse as I’ve aged. I would like to read his book. And I encourage others to check it out. Anyways – I figured I wrote about him back in the day, because that’s generally how it goes with me, and I had, so I ported that poem over to this site, and here it is.
I might try to port more poetry over today. I also want to get that review in and I have some other films I’d like to watch. I’m not sure if that will happen today. I’m really very hungry right now so I’ll try to eat and see how that goes, I guess.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Charlotte Sometimes” by English rock band The Cure, from the 2005 deluxe edition of their 1981 third studio album “Faith”. The title and lyrics were based on the 1969 children’s novel “Charlotte Sometimes” by the English writer Penelope Farmer. The Rough Guide to Cult Pop called the song “a goth masterpiece of doomed beauty and ruined elegance”. Agreed.