I read a bit before bed last night, fell asleep around 10pm I think. I slept until around 3 but I I couldn’t get back to sleep. I had been dreaming about “V”, the series. lol Or recording it off of television? Something that’s gone.
Back to our recent Michigan Trip. On Friday (June 26, 2026) I had egg whites and later a smoothie. We got ready and went to the wedding, which we needed to be early for since Aaron was part of the wedding party. The service was wonderful. Everyone was delightful. They fucked up my food order (so I didn’t have anything) and the bar rules were weird (no NEAT drinks – only ice, and when I downed my shot because I didn’t want the ice they threatend to cut me off). Lots of dancing. Lots of talking and spending time with cool people. We left after 11, nearly midnight. Aaron took me to McDonalds which I ate in the car on the way back to the hotel. I took a shower and got ready for bed.
I had a bit of trouble sleeping that night. But on Saturday (June 27, 2026) I slept in with Aaron cuddles. I had a smoothie. Later we went to Kensington Metro Park to visit with Tristan (Aaron’s sister), Jasper (Aaron’s nephew), Mark (Aaron’s father), Michelle (Mark’s sister), Karen & Nevin, & Mary Ellen (Aaron’s mom). It was nice and relaxed.
When we got back to the hotel I took a shower to get the sunblock and sweat off. I started to unwind.
After I was relaxed and dressed, Aaron and I committed to continuing our Re-Trek and watched TNG S03E04 “Who Watches the Watchers?” – which we both enjoyed. Andrew told me at the wedding that he’s begun Strange New Worlds and is already finished with Season 1. He wants to move on the 80’s / 90’s era Treks – we think he should start that journey with Enterprise.
Later, I was entranced and entertained by an anime AI gay werewolf thingy, called (I kid you not) “Bussy and the Beast”. lol
To Be Continued (Again)…
I’m still singing Pink Pony Club, so this morning’s journal entry title comes from that same song. The sun is up but I should probably go back to bed. We’re getting a grocery order later and I have a therapy session.
So, Aaron and I are home after several days away. Here’s how June 24 & June 25 unfolded…
Wednesday (June 24, 2026), Aaron and I flew to Michigan out of Great Plains, New York, which we’d never done before, usually leaving from LaGuardia, JFK or Newark. It was fine, though much smaller than what we’re used to. I found it charming. Aaron didn’t love it, but our flight was smooth and fast, with no troubles.
Aaron’s mother, Mary Ellen, and her longtime boyfriend Mark, picked us up from the airport, as they often do. They let us borrow Mary Ellen’s car but we went to a restaurant together. The food was good and the company was great. I was happy to be with them and happy to be back in Michigan. I love Michigan. It isn’t home anymore, but it is packed with memories and many people that I adore. We headed to our hotel. I toyed with going out but decided to stay in as I can get worn out pretty easily and we had a lot planned. I read a bit before bed – and I slept well, which isn’t surprising as I’d gotten up very early. Oh…and as I was off the medication that had been crushed in the mail, I was sick all day.
On Thursday (June 25, 2026), the pharmacy let me by purchase 7 days worth of my meds out of pocket. My online pharmacy was supposed to have sent me more but they never sent a tracking number so I figured it was delayed. Aaron went to the rehearsal for his cousin’s wedding. Meanwhile, my sister Janice picked me up and then our father (with my nephew Jordan along for the adventure), taking us to Aubree’s Pizzeria & Grill (the same place I’d gone the day before). Our cousin Joy and her partner Nate joined us as well. A fun time was had by all. After we parted ways with Joy and Nate, Janice took Jordan to Kroger to get groceries and then we dropped him off, followed by our father soon after.
Janice took me to pick up Aaron’s dry cleaning for the wedding and then we headed out for Mooreville to visit with Grandma (Frances Phillips), our step-father (Douglas L. Canell) and our Aunt Marge White. I took lots of pictures of the countryside on our way from Ann Arbor; I’ve always thought it was beautiful there, but I didn’t start taking pictures of it until after I moved to New York.
I had such a wonderful visit with my family.
Janice drove me back to my hotel. I got ready for bed. I read more of my book and slept well again.
To Be Continued…
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Pink Pony Club” from the 2023 debut studio album by the American singer-songwriter Chappell Roan, “The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess”.
I had relatively low key day. I got up earlier than I needed to as my clothing consult had been cancelled. I ordered some wedding clothes from Amazon, which will hopefully arrive in time. I went to the annual Stonewall Chorale Board Meeting, when I really only planned to join for the pre-meeting get together, but it was all fun. I only just realized though that I need to be up EARLY tomorrow – and packed and ready to go. Ick. I did most of my packing when we got back.
Earlier, a package was delivered with medication in it, that somebody crushed – CRUSHED – the bottle inside the package was destroyed and the pills it contained were rust – and there were holes so some of it had leaked out! And I need that medication for my trip. They’re shipping me a replacement in Michigan. Another thing that hopefully arrives.
I’m sleepy. I’m slightly stoned from an impromptu offer of some weed (my first puff in years) and I did have a shot of Vodka. I’m trying to drink less and I’m succeeding – I don’t have any alcohol at home and I’ve skipped several opportunities to imbibe, but tonight felt a little different.
Okay. I want to go to bed, read a chapter or two of my book and hopefully fall asleep.
No time to come up with a song for this one, so just skip to the next entry. I’m still humming that one anyways. 😉
After the last entry, I was hungry. I was getting ready for bed but I was hungry and I tried to have a light snack, but then I had another, and another. Nothing was too much on its own, and all of it was healthy, it was just too much for me to really lay down, so I stayed up until 2am, making sure everything was good. It was a dumb mistake, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I did sleep well when I finally got to bed. But before I drifted off I started re-reading a book I’ve read several times before. Again, I’ve not finished a book in years and I don’t know that I’ll finish this one. But here we are.
Aaron was meant to drive me a Doctor’s appointment today but he had a lot of unexpected work and he was pressed for time. He said he’d pay for an uber to take me, but I was pretty sure I could make it on the train. I got ready. While getting ready I had the urge to speak to my mom, which doesn’t happen often, but when it does it can be intensely sad. It wasn’t too bad. I noted it, said a little “prayer” to her and texted my sister about it. Then I finished getting ready and headed out. I wasn’t allowed to have any metal on me so I had to take out all my jewelry.
I took the A train from 181st down to 42nd / Times Square, where I caught the E train over to the east side for my appointment. I didn’t have to wait long for any of the trains and none of them were crowded, which was nice. I listened to music. I got to my appointment at the NYU Langone location on at 159 E 53rd street (New York, NY. 10022-4602), on the 6th floor. I’m always impressed that this office is peppered with LGBTQ+ PRIDE Flags. I was an hour early. I got in. They gave me a gown for the bone density test and then I waited about 20 minutes. The test took about a half hour. I got dressed an headed out.
It was raining when I left. The forecast had told me it likely would but I would have known anyways because I had the familiar throbbing in my skull. It wasn’t too bad though and the subway was less than half a block from the door of the building I was in so I didn’t get my umbrella out. On the E train a seemingly queer woman sat next to me and complimented me on my PRIDE hat. We spoke during the 4 stops that I was on the train and then I was off to the A train, which was a bit more crowded but I still had a place to sit. When we got to 181st street I took the long escalator up to the street where it was pouring. I got my umbrella out this time and started for home, but my head didn’t hurt anymore and I felt a lot better. I stopped into a grocery store where I got some Baby Arugula + some Kiwis. When I got home had a pita bread with what I had left of my salad from the other day. Aaron had me help him with some stuff he was doing. I had another snack while I watched some reactors watch the last 3 episodes of Andor and eventually I took an unplanned for nap.
Oh. Also on the train home, I had a moment where a woman sitting next to me made me think of Candace Hawkins. She was a coworker of mine at Hollywood Video back in the day. Everyone seemed to love her. She was murdered a couple of years ago but a man she’d been seeing. It was a horrible at the time, but it also felt very far removed from me. Thinking of her on the train, it hit harder than it had before and I cried for a minute. Then I texted another Hollywood friend, D.J., who had been her brother-in-law. It was sad, but it was also a nice exchange. He told me he loved me and he missed my hugs. All my life people have complimented me on the way that I hug. I told him we might be able to arrange such a hug this week, but it’s unclear if that will happen or not.
Since the nap, I’ve had a nice chat with Matt Habel-Graham. We dated briefly in early 2004. We seldom speak, but this was good. Complimentary, compassionate, and amusing. But I’m winding down again. I may have another smoothie or something but I think I’m done for the day.
Today’s journal title song quote is from “Just Give Me a Reason” by American singer and songwriter Alecia Beth “P!NK” Moore-Hart’s 2012 sixth studio album, “The Truth About Love”. The song is a duet with another American singer and songwriter, Nathaniel “Nate” Joseph Ruess. It’s been in my head all day due to my starting to re-read that book last night, Anyta Sunday’s “Rock”, which concerns a love affair between two brothers over the course of their lives. I don’t know why I love it so much, but I do. And when I read it the first time, I often listened to this song on repeat, so I still associate them with one another.
Actually, I read this book (which apparently has a new cover, seen on the right here) to Aaron in the car once, on a long car trip. He cried with me during it. lol So at least he thought it was good too. But it’s a dumb gay romance novel, with incestuous overtones and the copy I have feature some mistakes – but I find it charming. I read another book by her but I didn’t like it half as much.
Okay. I should get ready for bed. Or have that smoothie. Something.
Friday evening, Aaron and I walked to Starbucks so he could get his birth week drink. We also went to Little Caesars and I got pizza for the first time in 2 weeks. My dietician wanted me to stop eating it altogether, which was the only thing I ruled out on the spot. I did commit to cutting back from having a slice every day, which is what I was doing, so I’ve successfully cut way back. Balance. That’s what I need. I’ve still stayed up with my intake of fruits and vegetables and other elements so I feel pretty good about that.
We didn’t watch “The Sound of Music” on Friday or Saturday. I was struggling with migraines both days, likely in part due to the weather. That reminds me that I still need to solve an issue with one of my medications which was supposed to have been filled a long while back, which was apparently lost, only I didn’t notice at the time because I’d cut down to half my usual intake (with my doctor’s guidance) – only that didn’t work so I went back up and now I’m learning that I don’t have anymore. So I need to fix that before I travel this week and preferably before, because it helps with my stomach.
We finally watched “The Sound of Music” today, which made Aaron very happy. I’m working on my Marvel guide for the Multiverse Saga and I’m nearly done…except that it’s too long and needs to be split up into sections, only I’m not sure what those sections should be. I’d definitely like to finish it soon though.
I did not go outside on Saturday or Sunday. I have to go out tomorrow because of an appointment. We leave for Michigan on Wednesday and won’t be back until the following Monday.
I called my step-dad and left a voicemail, as he never answers his phone. I tried calling my bio dad but nobody answered at his place. I’ll be seeing both of them later this week though.
I’m sleepy.
Today’s journal music quote title is from “Heavy Cross” by American indie rock band Gossip, from their 2009 album, “Music for Men”. I’ve tried to start watching The Vampire Diaries for the third time in my life. The other attempts ended with me stopping after the second episode, which features this song. I’ve made it to the third this time, so progress? I read and enjoyed the original 4 novels in the series when they were new, but even then I thought they were a bit silly. The adaptation is problematic for me, but it also feels very similar to series like “Smallville” only instead of being about Superman and aliens it is about vampires and supernatural creatures – but it’s so similar to “Smallville” that it feels redundant. And I’m pretty sick of high school stories like this one. Even “Smallville” wasn’t that great – I just watched it all because I was bored. Someone famously asked me what I was watching at the time and when they asked if I’d recommend it I said no, because it’s not good, but I found it mildly entertaining due to my familiarity with DC comics. Anyways, it is okay for now. I doubt I’ll get too far into it though.
On Wednesday (June 17) Aaron and I had an eye doctor appointment, only to find out that my insurance only covers a visit every two years, so I headed home. I had a VNS monthly interview; I was recently recertified for services. There was a new Spider-Man: Brand New Day trailer and tickets went on sale for the movie.
That night after I got read for bed I had a phone conversation with my cousin Joy, which was long overdue, delightful – but extensive. So extensive that I didn’t actually get to bed until about 3am. Fine.
I slept well, though waking up without Aaron (on June 18) was a shock. The week has flown by and I’d forgotten that Aaron was working from the office. Additionally, there had been storms off and on and I woke up with a severe migraine that got worse. I took all the things and I did laundry in preparation to attend Aaron’s Stonewall Chorale Pride Concert, which I’d asked Aaron to get me a ticket for, so I did not want to cancel, because I only had a ticket because I asked, plus I love the choir and I wanted to be there for the fun! Only, again, the migraine didn’t leave and later I learned that Aaron hadn’t gotten me the ticket, so I begged out of going to get a ticket at the door and stayed home. I didn’t go out. I didn’t watch TV or movies or read or play video games. It was so bad that I couldn’t really do anything fun. Aaron later assured me that this was the right call as there was a bit of drama, a late start to the show and there was no air conditioning. Bullet dodged. I still would have liked to have gone to support him and to see everyone though. I guess Victor Garber was there and I would likely have said hello to him. Oh well.
I updated my photos section this morning. I have more updates I’d like to do. And I’m still behind on several viewing orders that are in various stages of preparation, so I have stuff to work on. Aaron has today off and at some point, likely after 6, we’ll watch The Sound of Music. We got our Spider-Man: Brand New Day tickets today. July 30 at 3pm. Awesome.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Dream State (Run From It)” by American post rock band Son Lux, from their fifth studio album, Brighter Wounds. It was the theme song to HBO’s “The Vow”, which I’ve been rewatching.
June 16, 2026. Aaron’s 42nd Birthday. He was 27 when I met him. He bought me the Zelda Pride shirt last summer. I gave him the Star Trek Pride shirt today. <3
But I’m getting ahead of myself. I cuddled and showered with Aaron on the morning of his 42nd birthday. He had to work. Meanwhile, I scheduled multiple appointments with multiple doctors: a possibly hypnotherapy appointment that both my therapist and G.I. Specialist have been recommending (which took jumping through several hoops to accomplish), the bone density test that my G.I. Doctor recommended, the endocrinologist that my favorite doctor recommended + an appointment for an anal pap smear, which he’s wanted me to have for years but in the past, nobody in New York didn’t them for men, but now he has someone who does. So that was a lot. At least for me. I tend to struggle with making any appointments at all, but several of the appointments pertain to things that should have been taken care of (or at least checked out) a long time ago, so it felt like overdue and also very satisfying to get that stuff done. At one point my bone density test was scheduled for this Friday, but Aaron has the day off and wants to spend it with me, so I moved it to Monday, which he appreciated – and said he’ll drive me to that appointment to make up for the delay.
The parking structure used to host a gay bar.
I had ordered 3 gifts for Aaron but I didn’t get gift bags or wrapping paper. I decided I’d go find some. Only I went to Target and several pharmacies and nobody had either item. And I didn’t even see anything that looked like it might be an option. But as I wandered through the Heights, looking for a solution, I happened across this location, which was the home of a gay bar when we first moved to New York. Our sublet was at 173rd and Broadway, a little less than 4 blocks away. I went there a few times. It was called “No Parking”, which was ironic, since it was located inside of a parking structure. I justlooked it up, and the bar opened in 2006 and closed in 2014. I knew it had been gone a long time, but I also knew I’d been there in early 2013. And here are the photos to prove it: This is me, Addison, Alyssa “Aly” Thomas and Jose Antonio Ponce. I worked with Addison and Alyssa at Starbucks and Jose was a cute customer of ours.
I stopped at my pharmacy on the way back to pick up some medication, and I was a sweaty mess when I got home from the excessive heat. But I had to jump right into a meeting with someone to finish scheduling one of those appointments I spoke of earlier. I also spoke to my cousin Katie for a bit and realized I could wrap Aaron’s gift with tissue paper I’d gotten for an art project last year. I wrapped his 3 gifts with different colors: Red, Black and Blue. He loved his presents. And then he was off to choir.
My eating in the last several days has been great and fun. I hope it lasts. I’ve started eating pitas, which probably sounds silly to most people, who’ve had them all their lives, but I’d never had one before. They’re really good – and the opposite of what I generally enjoy. I was looking over what I’ve been eating lately, and without even trying too hard, for the last several months I’ve drastically increased my servings of fruit and vegetables. Yesterday for example, I had a cup of blueberries, a cup of cherries, some green olives, chickpeas, sesame seeds, chia seeds, flax seeds, french onion & lettuce. The day before was similar but also featured broccoli, cauliflower & zucchini. And again, this has just sort of fallen into place in a way that seems magical to me. If you’d told me my diet would be so markedly changed last year, I wouldn’t have believed you. I would have thought it impossible. Truly impossible. This change is in complete opposition to my previous experiences. But this is in part why I’ve been in therapy for so long. I’m just starting to see some results and that’s really gratifying.
The night wound down and I got ready for bed. I’m re-watching The Vow. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because I engage with it but can do so without paying a lot of attention, having seen it before. I watched an episode, then shut it off and fell asleep shortly after 10. I woke up at 4, had a blueberry smoothie and wrote this.
Today’s journal entry music quote comes from “Cherry”, the 2013 single from former electronic music band Chromatica.
I woke up around 4am. I tried to get back to sleep but I gave up after about a half hour. I got up. I watched the news. I prepared for my appointment with one of my doctors and I had some eggs, which is to say that I had 1 egg and an egg white with chia seeds. My appointment was at 10:20 but I left very early, which is what I always like to do, but I knew I was going to take a route I wasn’t familiar with so I gave myself even more time. I made it to my appointment about an hour early – but got in quickly and my appointment went very well. I love this guy. I love most of my care team and I’m very grateful for them, and for the fact that I have access to so many specialists who look out for me. This particular doctor is brilliant. He’s funny, SMART and queer, and that last part is far more helpful than I would have thought possible because he knows what to look for and what to ask, when usually I have to guide my doctors to the care that I need, which, in fairness, they’re happy to do, but it’s not the same experience, and I can miss things. I wish everyone had a doctor like him.
I talked to the dr about my recent blood work and not only did he assure me that there’s nothing there for me to panic over, but he explained why and walked me through how the results might look bad but they actually aren’t. Indeed, he deduced that some of my results were thrown off because I didn’t fast before the blood work, which they’ve never asked me to do before. He recommended several others things he wants me to do (all of which made sense to me) and filled a couple of medications. He also, off the cuff, asked if I’m an artist, which I responded that I was, and it was a nice moment. I told him about this place. And we were done.
And then I got home relatively easily, getting here before noon. The elevator was down again but I guess it is back up now. I had a smoothie and watched some reactions. I wrote this. And I need to make those follow-up appointments. But I may take a nap at some point because I’m very sleepy.
Today’s song quote journal title is from “No. 1 Fan”, by the shoegaze influenced American indie rock band Majesty Crush, from their only album, “Love 15”, which was released on September 28, 1993.
When I saw my dietician on Wednesday, she gave me a mountain of new information to incorporate into my life. I was grateful. I told her I was, because although she communicated a lot of information that wasn’t always easy to hear, she did this with compassion and humor, with wit and with care. I have already tried several things she recommended, which have been emotionally complicated to say the least. But she gave me some worksheets with some notes and I sat down today to try to make sense of them. I asked Aaron questions as he’s quite educated on these topics and he loves me, so he’s very careful with what he says and how he presents things, but he’s also clearly excited to see that I’m considering these things in a healthier way than I ever have in the past.
We put in a grocery order, which features mostly healthy foods and several of which I’ve never tried before. And I’m thinking about meals in the day and what they need to accomplish, which isn’t really how I’ve done this sort of thing in the past. I did try a few times, in therapy, but figuring out this or that food and the ramifications of them really dragged me down. This feels different, but like an extension of the work I did there. I think I’m going to have an interesting conversation with my therapist this week.
I’m excited for the possibilities of my personal growth in these matters, but I also know that I’m going to need to practice what I’m learning. I don’t want to be complacent or to fail because I’m not paying enough attention. The part of me which has been trapped within the trauma of my childhood is paying attention and so far, he seems curious, even if he throws a tantrum now and again. I think he knows I’m trying to help him just much as I’m trying to help myself and that’s appreciated. It’s only when I ignore him that things get really bad.
I took care of some banking stuff. I’ve been handling my “banking stuff” for something like 10 years now? And off and on before that. But it used to be very stressful. And right now, it’s not. And that’s nice.
I bought a Xanadu shirt. It was on sale.
I also tried to write down what I need to accomplish at my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My doctors are awesome, which is why I see them, but I can really struggle with talking to them about the things that matter. It’s like my brain falls out of my head every time I go into those places. I’ve worked to overcome that, with some positive effect, but it’s still a struggle. Part of that work has involved preparation, like I’m doing now. Hopefully I can avoid any real trouble tomorrow and pave the way for more positive experiences in the near future.
I would like to speak to Jessica A. Gerson, PhD, about possibly joining one of her groups. She’s a psychologist who does group work, sometimes involving hypnosis, to help people dealing with G.I. disorders. Both my therapist and my G.I. doctor have separately recommended Dr. Gerson to me, which is kind of funny, because my G.I. doctor and my therapist are friends also. I like that they all know one another. They can also all see each others notes in my file, which is how I feel all medical teams should be – as they’re all treating me, I’d rather they have all the information to work with. I can’t make an appointment (or broach the subject) with Dr. Gerson today though because of office hours. I’d like to try to do so before my therapy appointment later this week, just so I can tell my therapist I did. I mean, I want to do it for myself, but I’m also aware that I’ve been talking to my therapist about it, off and on, for at least a year – and I had totally forgotten about it in recent weeks, even with my other doctor also recommending the treatment. I don’t want to lose this chance because I can’t focus on it.
I need to reapply for my Snap Benefits which I could do today. It has to be done by August and I do want to do it today but I also need to find time to eat and spend time with Aaron, and I also want to go for a real walk, as I haven’t done so in days. Actually yesterday marked the first day I didn’t go outside at all after 41 consecutive days going out. I was exhausted yesterday, barely sleeping the night before and I wanted to push through and go out but then our elevator was down again and I just thought, fuck off. Instead I got ready for bed and I slept very well. But I want to get outside today. I don’t want there to be a habit of not going out.
Also, I need to remember that I want to try to get in touch with Alec on the second floor. And Isaiah. And Christopher. Actually, Christopher spoke about me going to a bar with him this Tuesday. Maybe I can do that? We’ll see.
Today’s journal entry song quote comes from “Magic” by Olivia Newton-John from the soundtrack to the 1980 movie musical, “Xanadu”. My sister had this record when I was a kid, the 45. I could read the word Xanadu and assumed it was the company logo of the record company, somewhat ironically, given some of the subject matter in the film. I also thought the song was about my sister. I later caught the TV premiere of the film, by accident, and was shocked to learn that this was where the music came from. A few years later, when we had a VCR, I recorded it of television and it became a favorite of mine. I owned the soundtrack on cassette and CD. I have a digital copy. And though it’s become a somewhat iconic gay favorite, it feels very personal to me, and while I’m happy that others enjoy it, I think I would hate to see it in a theater where everyone was singing along to the film. But I feel the same way about the Rocky Horror Picture Show – which I’ve seen with the audience participation multiple times, but I knew then, that aside from seeing friends perform, I’d much rather see the film at home. And that’s really how I am now with movies in general.
“How was your birthday?” (before it has happened) is the dumbest of questions that made me look crazy.
So I asked of the others on the twelfth of our August… and the answered reward was the laughter of Amy.
They screamed, the triad as they twitched without words
All of her life had been tragic and strange…
In the dream that I had which wasn’t about HER who never had heard of Alice in Chains.
I witnessed her leaving without what she came with
I tried to return it but couldn’t remember
The business of grieving with no one to stay with can cry and can burn – could it even dismember?
The blood spray and spatters
As the dream loses focus… as the words lose all meaning and are lost to the vandals.
None of which matters much in the hereafter…
None of which woke us…
I blew out the candles.
Written by Jason Wright June 14, 2026
For Rachel
———————-
I was inspired by a dream I had, in which I, with a group of others had saved some girls from some type of disaster or horror. We gave them a ride in our large vehicle which they entered via the passenger side window. The vehicle was a car at the time but was often hard to define – changing shape and proportion. One of the girls had never heard a certain type of music, a particularly band name which also changed as it was discussed, but was at one point Alice in Chains – and this girl was paranoid that someone would steal her bag, despite us all being in a car with nowhere to escape to. We took the girls to a mystical home for girls (which was less a home and more magic like our car). They got off our bus (which was a bus at this point and the not the car we’d been in when we rescued them) and we felt like we’d accomplished our task, until we saw that the girl had left her beloved bag in our car. We had the bus driver return and I took the bag to the magic space ship home for girls. Two girls were entering the ship and I stood in / near the doorway to appeal for help in finding the girl who wasn’t anywhere that I could see. I described her to others and nobody knew her. I couldn’t remember her name but said she’d never heard Alice in Chains. I got the impression that this was heaven or a safe space for women who had been abused. Rachel Lynn Burleson Eanes, who I’d met at a hospital years before, was there – but in the dream her name was Amy. Another girl was in the same hospital with us, Amy Fulford, so maybe in my dream I just got mixed up? I called to her. She didn’t respond but gave me a look. Maybe because I was calling her Amy and not Rachel? I asked her how her birthday was – knowing that we had the same one, only 2 years apart, but then realized that her birthday in 2026 hasn’t happened yet (which explained the insulted / amused expression she shot me) but then I said aloud that it hadn’t happened yet. I said, “Well what about all the birthdays I missed? All the August 12ths?” and she didn’t stop and she didn’t turn, but the laughter she gave was genuine and it was hers. It was hers. I woke up. I knew what I’d heard in the dream and who that was and I held onto that sound for as long as I could. I didn’t eat. I didn’t take my meds. I wandered to the computer and wrote the dream down as best as I could, even though the weight and the depth of them was fading quickly…and then I wrote this. And now I can take my meds and eat – I can kiss Aaron, and start the day, because some of this has been jotted down, which gives me some peace at least.
