I took my time getting ready for my dietician appointment, but when I was ready, I was happy. I was a little nervous, but Aaron put me at ease and seeing the doctor again was about as good as it was the first time. I saw her 2.5 years ago and she gave me wonderful advice, but my insurance took forever to cover the appointment and it spooked me – only I really need this kind of help, due to my gastroparesis and also for my PTSD, so this was a good day. Aaron spoke up for me anytime I stumbled but I did do a lot of the speaking for myself. He later said how proud he was of me for making the appointment happen so quickly, showing up and being open to this work, which made me feel good. I thanked him also. This was a team effort.
June 10, 2026. Home and getting ready for bed.
My dietician works in the fancy part of the FANCY PART of town. Hard to imagine this being the same island that we live on.
We ordered some groceries. I have cravings for different foods but I’m excited to try some new stuff. This could be very difficult, but sometimes things like this surprises me. And I have my therapist to help and I need to reach out to another therapist about some group work that 2 of my other doctors have recommended I try. So many doctors! But I feel very lucky to have their input.
I took a sleeping pill which is starting to kick in and I need to sleep.
The song quote journal title comes from “Emo Song” by “The Haunted Youth” from their album Boys Cry Too.
I did go to sleep early, after a brief chat with my sister. Anytime I say that I’ve spoken to my sister I mean Janice, my older sister. Our younger sister, Jamie, doesn’t speak to me. I don’t even have her phone #. I don’t know her address. I’ve never seen where she lives. And it’s not just that we’re distant, she’s vicious. And so after many, many years of this seemingly random and horrible behavior, it has come to a point where it feels like I only have one sister. I would not have it be so. But Jamie has given me no other choice.
I slept well. I sometimes have a fruity carbonated beverage on hand but I had water instead. The pain in my back haunted my dreams and woke me a few times. Aaron later told me that I cried out in my sleep. I slept for more than 8 hours. When I did finally get up, I found that while my back still hurts, quite sharply at times, it feels much better than it did yesterday, which is a relief. It doesn’t hurt when I stand still, which was not true yesterday.
June 10, 2026.
I usually make my smoothies with a high protein fiber enriched Boost drink (which equals 1 cup), + 1 cup of blueberries or cherries, a scoop of fiber, a scoop of coffee and a scoop of protein powder – with a splash of unsweetened oat milk. I tried making one without the Boost today (replacing it with a cup of the unsweetened oat milk). Actually, that’s how I first tried making one but I had found the flavor to be a little too intense for me, so this was my second attempt, which went a lot better. That cuts a bit of sugar from my limited intake. I will still drink the Boost but not with the smoothies and not as often. Aaron is against this, and maybe the nutritionist will feel otherwise as well. Aaron says that all the things in the Boost are good for me, but that’s true of water and you can still drown in it or die from drinking too much, via water intoxication / hyponatremia, which is when someone consumes water faster than their kidneys can process it, diluting their blood sodium to abnormally low levels and causing cells—including brain cells—to swell. Maybe I’m being extreme, but I don’t know what else to do. The new smoothie concoction didn’t bother me this time. It’s not as tasty as it was before, but it’s also not anywhere near as offensive as I felt it was the first time. Progress.
I’m wondering if maybe my sugar levels were raised randomly last week. I had a bad few days with my stomach, which is paralyzed, which leads to vomiting. Every day for nearly 25 years. August 13 will mark 25 years. Some days are much worse than others. And having had several bad days, my throat was sore. I bought some Luigi’s Real Italian Ice (Watermelon & Blue Raspberry), which have a lot of sugar in them, which is why I gave them up years ago. The second ingredient on the label is syrup blend (sucrose and corn syrup) followed by apple juice. They’re basically flavored ice with heaps of sugar – but they were something cold that felt good on my throat. I ate 3 of them the morning of my appointment. I also had a sip of cough syrup because it had a cough suppressant and when my throat is irritated from a rough night, I cough a lot. So…I’m wondering if this doesn’t spike my sugar levels and or my results. It’s possible, but I honestly don’t know enough about it to know for sure.
So I’ve already made some (one assumes) healthy changes to my previously improved diet. And my back isn’t as bad. And I have the nutritionist to see today. And I feel really good about how I’ve handled things that would have knocked me off an emotional cliff yesterday and likely would have ended in bloodshed. And now I have questions about what might have sparked this change & I’m hoping this spike was a fluke, but either way it wouldn’t hurt me to try to do better. And so that’s where I am this morning.
Aaron is having a rough morning already. He has had a rough couple of days actually and has been trying to take care of himself but as is often the case, the world collapsed when he wasn’t there. Sometimes in these moments I don’t know what to say to help, but this morning I felt like I was there for him and told him things he needed to hear.
Sometimes our relationship goes very smoothly. Most of the time, really. But it becomes easy to take it for granted. The last 24 hours have shown why we were work well together and that’s always heartwarming. He advocated for me when I got my news yesterday and made sure I would see who I needed to see – even if I did the heavy lifting myself – which was totally what I wanted to do. And this morning with that conversation, it felt like I was the only person who could say these things to him and that I might be the only person he would listen to. I also helped him take a cart full of returns to the UPS store yesterday and contributed to his sleep last night.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “I Find You’re Gone” by the German former synthpop band Wolfsheim (Markus Reinhardt and Peter Heppner), from their 2003 album “Casting Shadows”.
Tough day, which started out good. I had a productive therapy session. I also watched some TV, watching the first episode of “Spider-Noir” and continuing my re-watch of Star Trek: Discovery. The former reminds me a lot of “Agent Carter”, which is a good thing. And the latter viewing featured one of my favorite episodes, so that was all good. I got STD tests on Friday, which all came back clear and that was also good news…
But I had some blood work done at my doctor’s appointment on Friday, which goes with the STD testing. I expected good or great results. I mean, I’ve been more active in the last month. I cut out ice cream a few months ago. I started drinking smoothies. I cut back on chips and snacks. And I’ve been adding fiber to everything for at least a couple of years. I just felt like everything was going great. But it’s not. Oddly, I was fine at my last appointment 3 months ago. So this really knocked me on my ass.
And while I freaked out a bit… I mean, I felt like I was hit by a train, I didn’t cut. I didn’t cry. I didn’t give up. And what I did do was let myself have a Xanax. Then I drank some water and I made an appointment with a nutritionist – because food and I are not the best of friends, and there’s a lot that I don’t understand, so I’ll need that help. And I made an appointment with one of my primary doctors (because I officially have 2). I got outside. I also cancelled my night out with Isaiah and his poetry group. I just didn’t feel up to meeting new people and pretending I was fine. I’m not fine. But I’m also not destroyed. I’ll improve. I can do this. It’s just a bit of an unexpected setback and I don’t think getting better is going to be fun, which sucks.
On top of that I started having horrible lower back pain that can sometimes mean a kidney stone is moving, and I know for certain that I have at least 2, which my doctors have been monitoring on an annual basis. But they have provided me with medication for when these things occur, which I took when I realized something might be going on.
June 9, 2026.
I’m actually very tired. I slept 6 hours last night and expected to sleep more but that didn’t happen. Maybe I’ll get to bed early.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Seven Devils” by Florence + the Machine, from their 2011 album “Ceremonials”.
I did go right to bed after the last crazy entry. I finished a chapter of “The Downing Girl”. I’ve read it so many times already that part of me feels like there’s no need to finish it this time, and yet I’ve struggled so much with finishing books in the last year that part of me feels it is very important. And I do love this book. Truly. The one thing I don’t like about it as that the narrator repeats sections of the books at least a few times, and so having now read the book something like 15 times, I’ve read those passages 30 times, so I’m a little sick of those bits. lol But it’s my own fault! lol
I slept about 6 hours. Later I took a very brief but very restful nap before getting ready to go to IKEA with Aaron to get a new chair. In the meantime I had a long overdue chat with my old pal Darla DeCook, which was lovely. I’ve lost many people over the years – I mean, they’re dead – so having the luxury or reconnecting with someone is especially appreciated. We’ve both had a rough go of it at times, but we’re both still here. Hopefully we’ll have a phone call or Zoom or whatever in our near future.
I wore crazy earrings today, which were fun – and well received. On the way to and from IKEA, Aaron and I called his mom, his Aunt Karen, his Aunt Denice, his cousin Andrew and Jennifer Clemente. Not everyone answered, but everyone that did was delightful. Jennifer traded texts with me until later when we caught up on the phone while I drank a blueberry smoothie.
After chatting with Jennifer for a bit, about Tap Dancing Lessons, The Lost Boys Broadway musical and Spider-Noir (which she’s watching and I’ve been meaning to start) we said goodnight and I went for a walk where I met up with my friend Christopher Tefft for a brief walkabout while he got food. He was EXHAUSICATED, the poor thing. We might go to a bar together next week. I like that I’m getting out more and trying to connect. It doesn’t always work, but it has been happening more frequently. I also made tentative plans to go to a writers group with Isaiah tomorrow. I have therapy at 1pm. And Wednesday Aaron and I have eye doctor appointments. I will try to juggle these things while further exploring my ever evolving relationship with Aaron, sex, poetry, music, and perhaps dancing. I miss dancing. I dance at home but it’s not the same.
I’m having one of those nights when I can’t sleep, and anything I thought I could accomplish instead isn’t working either. Instead I’m reading the Tony Award results and musing on Star Wars. Like…it’s hard to relate how important Luke Skywalker was to me as a kid, before I ever saw a Star Wars movie. We weren’t allowed to see movies in theaters and so I had to wait for the TV premiere, and before that it was merely relayed to me by friends and oodles of fun toys and creepy kneeless action figures. However, Luke, Leia and Han (and to a lesser degree, Chewie, R2, C-3PO, Lando and the others) were all we had so they seemed very important. But now, with the saga having expanded, there are so few installments that actually feature those characters that they seem far les important as an adult, and likely to any new fans, in the same way that I have a hard time connecting with Rey or Poe or Finn or Ben Solo. I mean, it’s not like I hate those characters, or the originals, but I much prefer Ahsoka, Anakin, Ezra, Andor and the prequel era in general. And that definitely didn’t happen over night. But with the prequel films + Clone Wars / The Clone Wars, Tales, The Bad Batch, Maul, Solo, Obi-Wan, Rebels, Andor & even with Rogue One leading directly into “A New Hope”, the original trilogy feels oddly sparse, rather than the in-depth trilogy on its own.
See. I think about pointless stuff like this all the time. When I should be asleep. I thought I might take some photos while Aaron was asleep but I need more space. I need the whole apartment. With surfaces. And privacy. And I’m not likely to get that before Thursday. So that’s out the window. I did finish a note that will guide Mark Adams and his daughter Raven through Marvel Cinematic Multiverse in release date order – even as I find release order to be tiresome and insane. But that’s how she wants it and now that’s how she has it.
My legs hurt. I hurt. I’m old. Ish. Oldish and alive. That’s okay.
I’m not even gonna share a song. I’m just going to try to sleep. But going to bed this late / early invariably leads to me being unhappy quite a lot for at least 24 hours…so I have that to look forward to. Blah.
Outside our building. June 7, 2026. This marked 35 days in a row that I’ve been outside.
I got outside briefly, after I went down to pick up a package. Later I went to the eye doctor with Aaron where we both made appointments for Wednesday, and then to T-Mobile where I finally got my new phone and Aaron got a smart watch. I wore a pair of new shoes to try out, which were quite comfortable.
Graduation. With Adam P, Kelli P (RIP), Erin / Elvis, Jennifer C. Darla D, ? & Paul F. June 6, 1996.
Later I played some Zelda (Tears of the Kingdom) and went to bed relatively early. Oh! Yesterday also marked 30 years (!?!) since I graduated at the top of my class, albeit 4 years later than I was originally going to!
Today I watched the season premiere of Interview with the Vampire / The Vampire Lestat, S03E01 “Detroit”, which I enjoyed a lot. This series has been so fantastic! If only the other shows that share the Immortal Universe were as good as this one. “Mayfair Witches” was dreadful when I tried to watch it, but I may do so again as I’ll have 6 or 7 more weeks before this season of this series arrives. “Talamasca: The Secret Order” was better, but it was very hit or miss; I’d have welcomed a second season but it was cancelled. “Mayfair Witches” might be fine, I don’t know, as I can only see it as an adaptation of some of my favorite books and I just think the adaptation is BAD, while “Interview with the Vampire” has been mostly spectacular. Anyways, I enjoyed the new episode and I look forward to seeing the rest.
I tried to see if Nathan or Chris Tefft were available for a walk but they were both busy. I ended up going to Fort Tryon park on my own, which is fine. I was just feeling social. 2 miles. I ate when I got home, after I dried off. I was very sweaty! lol
And now I’m winding down? Or I might stay up and try taking some photographs. I’m not sure. I like taking photos at the apartment when I’m alone because I can be more experimental, plus I like taking pictures in all of the rooms and changing clothes and all that, which is difficult to do if Aaron is here, even if he gives me space. I can’t do it when my aide is here either. And Aaron only goes into the office on Thursdays. That’s a very limited window. If he goes to pool tomorrow night I might be able to do it then, but I like going to pool too. He’s going to choir on Tuesday but I’ve been invited to a writers group that night at the same time, which I may or may not attend. I’d like to go, but I have so few opportunities to be alone. It’s not that I don’t love sharing time with Aaron; I just also value my alone time and it’s becoming increasingly rare that I have any.
Today’s song quote journal titles is from “Plenty” by Sarah McLachlan from her excellent 1993 album, ” Fumbling Towards Ecstasy”.
I did get back to bed yesterday morning. I struggled with a migraine and my stomach was worse than the previous days. But I made it to my doctor’s appointment in Hell’s Kitchen. The last time I went to this office, 3 months ago, I learned that an old friend, Brian Lounsberry, had died. When I went yesterday there were reports that Anthony Stewart Head, aka Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, had passed away. It’s one of the hardest things to reconcile with, as we age, we see others pass from this life.
I started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on January 19, 1998. I remember the episode (S02E13 “Surprise”) and where I was and who I was with (Jennifer in the old apartment at Mapleridge in Ann Arbor, Michigan), what I was feeling before, what I felt during and after. And I quickly became obsessed with the series. I don’t feel that way anymore (because I have most of the series memorized), but during the show’s run and for several years after, the series was extremely important to me. It still pops up in my dreams on a daily basis. We’ve lost 3 cast members in the last 16 months, and at least 2 cast-members of the spin-off series, “Angel”, died years ago, with 32 year old Glenn Quinn (who played Allen Francis Doyle in the first 9 episodes) dying from an accidental drug overdose in 2002, and 33 year old Andy Hallet (who played Lorne across 4 seasons and 47 episodes) dying of congestive heart failure in 2009. May they all rest in peace.
I took the 1 train to 50th and walked to 52nd and 8th for my doctor’s appointment, which went smoothly. In and out, relatively fast (like a date I had once). I walked to Columbus Circle and took the A train home from there. When I got home I took a nap. I tried to eat, which didn’t go well. I wanted to be done for the day but there was an intimate party for our friend Vanessa that I very much wanted to attend. Thankfully that all worked out. But when we got home, I was done. I slept well that night.
I’m not sure what’s going on today. I was invited to attend a sex party by our friend Nathan, but I told him I’m probably not the best candidate. I’d want to talk to everyone and possibly document everything! lol And I’m guessing that’s frowned upon? There’s also the possibility that I would feel very uncomfortable and leave and be awkward, or worse, completely let go, have a blast, and then come home with some lovely new diseases! At the very least, I think about these things way too much. Plus…I likely don’t know anyone at this party and I’m not great at hooking up with strangers. Maybe it’s weird, but I like to LIKE the people that put themselves inside of me. lol
Today’s song quote journal title comes from “Back to Friends” by Sombr from their 2025 album “I Barely Know Her”.
I got outside on June 3. I walked about half way to the park and back and then around my block a few times while I spoke on the phone to Michael Slaughter. Probably less than a mile total, but I just wanted to get outside and I did. Mission accomplished.
^ Before the walk, after the walk (sweaty) and then after a shower.
I didn’t sleep well Wednesday night. I get in the phases where I don’t sleep a lot at once, often in 4 hour shifts, rather than 8. It’s not the temperature because we keep it cool in the bedroom, the way we like it. But for whatever reason that’s just what happens.
My sister Janice reached out. She’d been in a car accident with her son, Jordan. They’re both okay but she doesn’t have a car now, which is a problem.
On Thursday, June 4, several of the packages that I ordered the other day were scheduled to arrive. One of them was promised between 4 & 8am. I woke up around 6 and figured I’d stay up until the package arrived. Around 7:30 there was a message saying they’d tried to deliver it and failed. In order to get into our building they either need to be let in or we can buzz them in when they call our apartment. I had my phone and was awake so I didn’t miss any calls. About 20 minutes later it said that they had delivered it but, annoyingly, they’d left it on the floor downstairs. We have lockers there that delivery people can use because before we had the lockers packages were stolen constantly. I figured it was probably fine because it really had been like 20 minutes. I ran downstairs but it was “gone”. I contacted the Super and asked if the cameras there might have captured who took it because I had very specific times but it turns out they delivered it to the wrong address. The building behind ours (which is on Broadway, rather than Wadsworth) is also owned by our company and he could see that they’d left it on the floor in that building and he got it for me. So the problem they likely ran into is that we didn’t buzz them in because they were not calling our apartment but someone else’s. Anyways – I got everything. And later got more. So I got some fun shirts, lots of jewelry, some other accessories and 2 pairs of shoes – one of which fit. I’ll send the others back but I have another pair coming and might wait to see how those fit, because if they don’t I can probably send them back at the same time.
With Gem on Fort Washington in Manhattan 06-05-26.
Later I went for another walk, intending to go the park, I realized I hadn’t brought anything for the squirrels. I also realized that I was starving, so I decided I’d go get pizza instead. On the way there though, I ran into an old Starbucks customer of mine, Gem Gor, who was also the neighbor of one of my coworkers, Crissida. Gem is always good for long and entertaining conversations and this was no different. I think I chatted with her for over an hour, and it was fun.
After I parted ways with Gem, I ordered my food, but ran into one my neighbors, Alec, who lives in our building, on the 2nd floor (like “Luka” from the Suzanne Vega song – although according to my neighbor, he’s less abused, which is good). He was doing his laundry at a laundromat and chilling outside. We spoke for at least 10 minutes but I begged out of the conversation to get my food. On my way to get the pizza I spotted this classic image of the open fire hydrant on the street, that you see in movies or TV but seldom see when living in the country as I did, growing up in rural Michigan. I got the pizza and headed home, but ran into Alec again as we approached our building. More good natured conversation followed. It was nice running into people that I knew in the neighborhood. It’s not usually like that for me. When I got home I had a couple of sliced and put the rest away. I finished an episode of Star Trek: Discovery; I’ve been slowly rewatching the series and I’m about half way through, I think. I got ready for bed and went to sleep around 9ish.
Ready for bed. 06-04-26.
I woke up a few times, when Aaron joined me, and again around midnight. I got up, hungry. I had a snack, read the news, and now I’ll be getting ready to go back to bed. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at 1:30. And then later, I have a party to attend. Hopefully that all goes well.
And getting ready for bed again. Attempt #2. June 5, 2026.
And when I go out later today that will be 34 days in a row.
Today’s journal song quote if from the already referenced “Luka” by Suzanne Vega, from her 1987 album, Solitude Standing. The song, which is about child abuse, was based in part on a child that Vega had met / seen near where she lived who seemed to be apart from the other children; she used his distinctive name and his otherness, but the abuse was actually based on her own experiences, so she was able to talk about a subject that was very personal to her but without getting the attention for the topic that she didn’t want. The song tends to stick with you. When we first moved to New York, we were in a sublet on 173rd and we lived on the second floor. I would catch myself humming that song all the time.
May 29, 2026. Aaron and I, on our way back form the Vitamin Shop.
Friday night, Aaron got me out to pick up some protein for my smoothies from the Vitamin Shop downstairs. I was so worn out, but he knew I was on a roll of days going outside, so that was very nice of him. He’s awesome.
Aaron hosting (with percussionist Paige Andrews) at the Stonewall Inn 05-30-26.
Saturday (May 30) I went with Aaron to the Stonewall Chorale cabaret that was actually inside the Stonewall Inn. I feel increasingly close with the members of the choir and those who work with them. It’s really nice having all these people to look forward to seeing. Aaron was the MC, and he was amazing, as always. He also performed, which is always great. It was fun to see so many people having so much fun.
My stomach was dreadful again on Sunday, but I just chilled. I watched the first episode of the final season of “Euphoria” and picked up where I left off on “Grace & Frankie”; I have 2.5 seasons left of that series. I have a whole lists of series that I’ve begun but never finished and it would be nice to knock a few of those out this summer. I did get myself to go outside for a few minutes to keep my streak up.
Outside again. May 31, 2026.
On Monday (June 1) I felt like if I didn’t get out for a walk it might not ever happen. So I made sure that it did. I wasn’t sure if it was smart to walk 2 miles so I took the A Train to Fort Tryon Park and sat at my usual spot at Linden Terrace. I spoke to my grandmother, as I often do, but I let her go when squirrels approached me. I had brought some nuts to feed them this time which was really fun! I’ve become the old guy in the park feeding the squirrels and pigeons, as several variety of birds joined in the meal. It was very relaxing, breathing in the fresh air, feeding the animals and not having a care in the world.
I walked the full mile (and then some) home. And that felt great too! My stomach mostly behaved and later Aaron (who was at pool) had me take the elevator down to pick up a package, which the deliverer hadn’t left in the Amazon Lockers – which is always annoying because when they leave them out they often get stolen. I didn’t tell Aaron I was already in bed, I just went and got it. lol I did sleep really well that night though!
Out of bed to pick up a package for Aaron. 06-01-26.
On Tuesday I felt more like myself. I walked to and from the park (so over 2 miles). I fed the squirrels again, he stayed closer to me this time. I also spoke to my friend Paul on the phone, who I hadn’t spoken to in a long time. And I later got a call from Michael Slaughter.
I helped Aaron take some donations into a gay donation center then stopped in with him to see the choir before I wandered the West Village and took in some of the PRIDE. Then I headed home, snapped a few photos, read the news and got ready for bed. I slept pretty well. Cuddled with Aaron this morning. And got up, knowing I needed to catch up on my blog, and so here we are…
So today is June 3, 2026. I ordered a bunch of things from a wishlist of mine, which I’ve been waiting to see if I had the money for and I did. I also ordered some of Aaron’s birthday presents. And if I can get outside today, that will mark 32 days in a row that I’ve been outside the apartment. That’s fucking amazing. I feel really good about this.
I have therapy in an hour so I should eat or dress or whatever else I need to do before then. If I eat then I’ll have an hour for my stomach to calm down before I need to do anything else.
Oh. And “The Vampire Lestat” starts streaming on Sunday. I loved the first 2 seasons, which adapted “Interview with the Vampire” so I’m really excited about this – and so far, it has a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes! Hopefully it’s good. So I’m looking forward to that!
Okay. I should go.
But…today’s journal song quote is from “Never Enough” by The Cure, from their 1990 remix album “Mixed Up” – which was the first CD that I ever bought!
