I didn’t do much today. I struggled with a migraine, but really I just made a series of bad choices this week that eventually overwhelmed everything else. Sometimes a bad choice is better than no choice at all, which I find comforting tonight, but I hope to make better choices in the near future.
Aaron has an endoscopy scheduled for tomorrow so I’ll be going to the hospital with him and seeing that he gets home, and that will be most of tomorrow for me. He also told me that we may be going to Florida in a few weeks. We have a home there that we rent out, which had been occupied by a family, but they skipped out without paying us and so that means a court battle and also means we need to go see how the apartment is doing. We’ve had good times there and I wasn’t sure we’d ever go again as this family had, for a time, wanted to purchase our property, but I bet they’re glad they didn’t now.
I’m oddly very tired, which is fine with me. I need to be up tomorrow anyways, so I might as well sleep tonight. I don’t have anything I need to get done. I don’t need to work on my website.
I posted on Facebook yesterday that I’m feeling really burnt out there, and that’s true. I deleted something like 100 posts there today. I don’t want to give it up as it connects me with so many people, but I don’t want to spend as much time there as I have in the past. It’s not political exactly. It’s not a reaction to this or that thing. But it’s not as much fun as it used to be and when I see all the shit that I’ve posted that doesn’t actually seem to matter, I find it a little embarrassing.
“It’s time to wakeup!”
I woke up with a thought about Daredevil. Last week I felt there had been a reference to “Thunderbolts*”, meaning that the series, or that episode of the series, took place after that film. But this week, that reference seems likely to have actually been about Luke Cage and possibly Iron Fist – definitely the former, and I suspect we’ll soon learn about the latter, which means that “Thunderbolts*” might actually take place directly after this season – which probably seems like a mundane realization, but these little connections hit me and I get excited. I’m a comic-book movie nerd who loves putting things in order. What can I say?
Daredevil: Born Again Season 1
Captain America: Brave New World
The Fantastic Four: First Steps
Daredevil: Born Again Season 2
Thunderbolts*
Again, I’m curious to see how The Punisher: One Last Kill ties in, along with Spider-Man: Brand New Day and various other upcoming projects.
Also, another revelation. I’m going to see if I can install a thumbs up feature on my site. Or maybe multiple options but all of them positive. Then the people that come here, whom I can’t see and mostly don’t interact with, could leave a thumbs up, giving me the slightest bit of positivity. I don’t need to know who doesn’t like things. I don’t have the stomach for the toxic interactions that are now commonplace online. When I had my original site, people would message me and I maybe had 2 negative messages but far more positive interactions. I don’t believe that would be the case now, which is why my contact info isn’t splattered across the pages the way it used to be, and why there are no comment sections.
“It feels familiar, is it love?”
I uploaded several more of my LGBTQ+ movie reviews and worked on others. I also worked on another viewing order, but the internet went out and I lost all the work. 🙁
I watched the most recent episodes of Daredevil: Born Again (S02E07 “The Hateful Darkness”) and Star Wars: Maul – Shadow Lord (S01E08 “Chapter 8: The Creeping Fear”), both of which were excellent! Both episodes were the best looking of their series to date. Maul looked nearly photorealistic and the animation was breathtaking. Meanwhile, the lighting in the latest Daredevil story felt like a film. Both episodes features character revelations, shocking plot twists supported by multiple previous stories and shocking moments, including some really brave storytelling choices. I’m impressed. Both seasons will come to an end next week.
I was planning on continuing on to watch the next Lord of the Rings episode as I’ve not watched that series in weeks, but by the time the internet returned I was already getting tired. I might go to bed very soon. We’ll see.
“There’s more to life than death.”
I didn’t go to bed after the last entry. I was tired but I was very hungry; I resisted eating or sleeping for some reason. I worked on my website a bit more. I uploaded 12 more collages in the photos section. I should have been putting all the photos I’ve used for these collages in a folder somewhere so I would know what I’ve used so far because I’m going to forget. I mean, I’m already having trouble. But I don’t have anyone to blame but myself.
Eventually I realized that I would need to have something to eat and I would need to sleep. I reheated a slice of pizza while I got ready for bed, and I did watch an episode of Star Wars: Mau – Shadow Lord (S01E07 “Chapter 7: Call to Oblivion”). I was sort of doing all of this at once, but quickly realized this episode of the series was much more intense than previous entries, with characters dying left and right and massive fights between Star Wars icons. It was great! But just like previous installments, the ending was frustrating. This season tells a single story, and the episode endings are less like cliffhangers, than someone randomly shutting the TV off. I hate it. I would recommend binging it but I can’t wait. I do look forward to rewatching this series someday when I can view it the way I feel it should be, and as I’ve said before, this will likely continue a full re-watch of the entire The Clone Wars / The Bad Batch & the Star Wars Tales series, which has just continued to grow into something very special.
I momentarily considered watching the next episode of the Maul series but knew this was a bad idea. I went to bed. As I was getting ready for bed I had a coughing fit, which sometimes happens when acid irritates my throat. But I didn’t mind as it gave me an excuse to take a swig of cough syrup. For a long time, I would take a sip every night. I don’t do that anymore and I try to avoid taking pain killer, despite having a lot of migraines. But I didn’t want to go to bed and wake Aaron with my coughing. The cough syrup helped and because I’ve not had any in a long time it knocked me out, which was lovely. I slept for 8 hours, waking up feeling rested and comfortable.
My skin has been really flaky lately. I don’t use a lot of products on my skin, aside from sunblock, because anything meant to help my skin actually seems to do the reverse. I breakout in rashes or acne. It’s terrible. I used to hate my skin. But I think that whatever weird chemistry that happens there has helped my skin stay hydrated. It’s not perfect. My pores are clogged for sure, but I also don’t have a lot of issues otherwise. Now, this has changed a bit as I’ve aged. I’ve had some minor skin problems which I know how to take care of. As for the new issue, I hadn’t honestly given it a lot of thought, but I remembered that I had this old charcoal face mask that I had tried years ago and it has helped a bit. So I shaved and showered, applied the mask for 30 minutes and then scrubbed that off. And again, for now it seems like it has helped. The mask is black and on my pale skin it almost looks like I’m wearing Black Face – as if having a shaved head didn’t make me look racist as it is! I do like how the mask looks on my skin though. My impression is that if it were purple it would remind me of the 1960’s Batgirl costume. lol
I was going to go for a walk but it looks like it’s going to rain. I tried calling my grandmother last night and this afternoon but she didn’t answer. I hope she’s okay. I’ll try again in a bit. I should probably have something to eat as it’s now been nearly 12 hours since I had that slice of pizza.
“You got those Caravaggio moves”
I did try working on several viewing orders for my website but I was undermined at nearly every level by formatting issues. There’s a certain way that I like to work and it simply isn’t made easy by WordPress or the theme I went with, and it’s too late to turn back now. So that was unsatisfying. I ended up uploading a dozen LGBTQ+ movie reviews, which inspired me in passing to revisit Derek Jarman’s “Caravaggio”, which I was shocked to learn that I didn’t own. I quickly acquired a copy and re-watched it, enjoying my time with the movie.
I was very tired. All day I was tired and nearly slept. When it came time for bed I slept without taking any drugs, but I didn’t stay asleep. I had eaten a bit more than I should have yesterday and I had acid reflux, which thankfully doesn’t happen often. I’d had many vivid dreams in the few hours that I slept, involving theme parks and oral sex. Upon waking, I was reminded of my first visit to a theme park, Cedar Point in 1985 – and how my PTSD relationship to food first presented to the world as an eating disorder and how much this shamed me. I didn’t eat anything all day save a small box of Nerds – the cherry & orange variety that later went away for some reason. I later learned that I did not have an eating disorder, though I definitely suffered from disordered eating. I had to do an interview on the topic in 2013 to qualify for a surgical procedure. Finding anyplace that would do this interview was very difficult because they generally only saw women, but eventually a found a sympathetic center that made an exception for me. The interview was very thorough and very painful – which is a quote from Terry Hatcher from an interview with her on Inside The Actors Studio, which has always felt like an apt description of my experience and so I’ve used it every time I describe it – but this is the first I’ve ever explained the origin of my expression. She was talking about reporting sexual abuse, and essentially, this is what I was doing as well. In some ways it was liberating, but mostly, it was just horrible. The woman who interviewed me was sympathetic and supportive. I don’t know her name but I’ll always be grateful for her tact. She was amazing.
I briefly traded texts with Michael Eisinger, who I hadn’t spoken to in a long while. He had gone for a long walk, more than 6 miles. It was 70 degrees out and he was loving the beautiful weather – I believe he lives in Maryland? Meanwhile, I was indoors all day. It wasn’t quite 70 degrees in New York.
We did not go to Aaron’s pool game. He had told me early in the day that he wasn’t going, which disappointed me, but by the time the gametime rolled around, I could barely keep my eyes open, and so I likely wouldn’t have gone anyways.
I have two Star Wars: Maul episodes to watch, but like last week, I don’t feel like it right now. I might save them for next week and just binge the last 4 episodes of the season, but I’m not married to that idea. If I feel like watching them at some point, I will. It’s that simple.
“I’m Awake Now”
I tried working on my website a bit more yesterday but after the productive morning everything I tried just confirmed that I needed to take a break. I showered, shaved and dressed. I decided I wanted food and ordered online. I walked to the store and back. I tried one more time to get something done on here but again, I knew it was time to stop. I ate, put away the leftovers and played some Zelda. I also had a conversation with Mark Adams about his recent birthday, last week’s “Daredevil: Born Again” episode, which he thought was the best of the series to date, and our old adventures for Shawn Foreman and Sean Mobley (whom he had totally confused for one another) – and my now somewhat extensive experience with cruise lines.
I was growing tired and between 9 & 10 I started getting ready for bed and was asleep when Aaron got home. I woke as he was getting into bed and trying to get settled – he closed the door really loudly and kept moving constantly, so he kept waking me up. He also kissed me. Which now that I’m awake, I appreciate, but when I’m sleeping, and people try to be affectionate with me, my sleeping brain does not accept these things and I was mostly just annoyed that he’d woken me up again! lol I did get back to sleep though. I dreamed that I had cancer, or they believed I had cancer. I wasn’t sure I trusted my doctor and others who were there definitely thought it was a hoax. The treatment was going to be extracts from eggplants, liquified and blasted up my ass. I wonder what that could symbolize? lol I woke around 5am and was out of bed by 5:20. I had a smoothie and looked at the news.
I want to work on my viewing orders but I have yet to find a format that I really enjoy for my website, even if I’m excited about the things I want to convey. I’ll give it more thought. I also want to give some thought on what my next essay should entail. And I have so much more to upload here.
I wonder if we’re going to Aaron’s pool game tonight?
This Goo Goo Dolls song was featured in “Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare” (1991), which I saw in theaters (in September), by myself, while my sister Janice and her fiancé saw a pre-video premiere re-release of “Dances with Wolves” (1990); their movie was significantly longer than mine so I had to wait in the car for a very long time! lol
During the Nightmare on Elm Street sequel, there is a statue which says “The Children Will Endure”, which stuck with me after the movie. I had long been having erotic dreams; homoerotic dreams, and I latched onto the “The Children Will Endure” and wrote a bunch of poems with “Children” in the title, most of them named after different songs, with the poems being disguised / coded retellings of my dreams which were sexy enough to feel like I accomplished something but were secretive enough to share without feeling like I’d actually outed myself. “The Children Chronicles”. Reading those things now, I’m mostly just happy that I don’t have to hide such things anymore, but a few of them do capture the imagery that in my dreams haunted me daily. I like to sleep. I like to dream. And some of these dreams are as treasured as my waking life.
“The Children Chronicles” ended, more or less, with poems written about friends I’d made while staying in Mercywood Hospital from March – April of 1992 after a non-existent “suicide attempt” (I had a scratch). Most of these friends have been lost by now, but I sill remember them fondly.
Caravaggio (1986)
“Caravaggio” is a 1986 British historical drama film directed by openly gay filmmaker Derek Jarman (“Sebastiane”, “The Angelic Conversation”, “Edward II”), who died of AIDS in 1994. The film is a fictionalised retelling of the life of Baroque painter Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio.
I first saw this film around 2005, I think? I only saw it the one time; a rental from the Hollywood Video where I worked. I never owned it, but it was a film that I had always wanted to see and I had great affection for “Edward II”, which had shocked and then haunted me for years. I have always intended to revisit “Caravaggio” and now, I have. There were many things in the film which I had forgotten, like the inclusion of modern elements, similar to “Edward II”, and aside from Sean Bean and Tilda Swinton, the world famous cast, including Michael Gough and Robbie Coltrane (“Mona Lisa”, “The Fruit Machine”). Indeed, the bits I most remembered was a sort of 3 way love affair between Nigel Terry’s Caravaggio, Sean Bean’s Ranuccio & Tilda Swinton’s Lena – though these memories were both vague and powerful. I had totally forgotten the essential murders of the plot or Spencer Leigh’s heartbreaking Jerusaleme.
But is it any good? Yes, I think it is. Probably more so if one was alive when it was released and knows what it must have taken to make this film, which seems like a brilliant and noble act of bravery to me. But that’s the thing: I admire the filmmaker so much that I find it difficult to judge his work. Watch it for yourself and you tell me.
“I’ll masturbate and sing a lullaby”
I slept about 8 hours. Crazy dreams I can’t remember now. I’ve been working on my website for about 7 hours. I uploaded about 100 poems and a few movie reviews. I want to continue but I should get away from my computer. I’m going to shower and get ready – possibly go for a walk.
Aaron should be getting home tonight. He’s been gone since Monday.
“As You Cry Out in the Night”
I didn’t get to sleep until after 4am this morning. I tried. But it just wasn’t happening. Eventually I needed to have a snack and I also gave in and took an Ambien, because I didn’t think I’d get to sleep until tonight otherwise. That’s just how my brain works sometimes, and that’s why I have sleeping pills in the first place.
I slept until noon, so about 8 hours. I didn’t really wake feeling rested. It was raining and though I didn’t have a migraine, I could still feel the storm and it had me a little on edge. I tried to distract myself with more work on my website. I started working on three different pages but quickly realized I wouldn’t be finishing any of them today so they’re just drafts – which is fine, but when I publish something there’s a sense of satisfaction that I’ve completed something, and I didn’t get that today.
I have kidney stones. I mean, I’ve passed 7 or 8 of them in my life and I’ve had a stone in each of my kidneys for at least 3 years. Every now and again one of them moves and there’s a lot of pain and a lot of being on edge – and that is also happening today. I’m taking the medication I was given for these events and I’m drinking way more fluid than I usually do (because fluids can make it difficult for me to keep anything down), but that definitely isn’t helping with my mood.
What has helped is that my friend Nicole did a deep dive on my site and gave me some meaningful feedback. I didn’t expect her to delve into the photo section but not only did she take a look, she looked at a lot and had very positive things to say. And again, I didn’t expect any of that. Creating this site has been wonderful for my mental health, but it has also been a challenge because I’m used to telling my family what I’m working on and I think they might take issue with me having what I see as an artistic expression, but which could honestly also be described as pornographic. I mean, there are a lot of photos of me fucking, and it takes a certain level of detachment to see that and celebrate it as a personal victory rather than a cause of gossip and concern? One of my dear, straight male friends once looked through my photo galleries on my old website while he was on the phone with me and had a perfectly wonderful conversation with me about this or that thing and not only do I (clearly) still remember the talk, I cherish it to this day.
I listened to Cutting Crew’s “The Broadcast” album the other day. I don’t really connect overly much with any of their songs, despite liking them a lot; they just don’t seem to be singing about anything that really matters. But emotionally, the songs matter a great deal to me because this is one of the musical gifts that I got from my sister Janice. She would often give me music themed gifts for Christmas and my birthdays as it was something we both loved. I would mention in passing that I liked this or that song and she would listen, remember and get me what I wanted. And it was always a surprise. I never dropped hints to get those gifts, I was just being honest in the moment. Anyways, I was just singing the title song in the shower so that’s today’s jam.
I hope the weather improves soon. I would really like to get out more this week, which won’t be difficult as I barely left the apartment in the week ending today.
I need to request refills for a couple of medications. I should message Nicole back. And then I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I might try to sleep tonight because I’m already very tired, but that might not be the easiest thing given what happened last night / this morning. I should definitely keep drinking water though. I should have had a smoothie earlier.
Oh. They released the first teaser trailer for the penultimate season of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. Season 4 will air weekly from July 23 – September 24. Season 5, the 6 episode final season of the series will likely air sometime next year, along with the 10 episode final season of Star Trek: Starfleet Academy. And after that, well, it doesn’t seem likely that we’ll have Star Trek back on streaming / television in the near future. There is a film in development, but who knows how long that might take or what the story might entail? Not me.
“Dreaming and Sleep”
I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I needed a shower. And I do some of my best thinking in the shower. And I was thinking about all these interesting things and I thought I might like to write about them. So I did. And I put some artwork together and posted it here. And then I posted it on Facebook. And now I’m writing about doing those things, which is probably redundant.
Shawn Foreman sent me a friend request on Facebook. I didn’t approve it right away because I assumed it was a hack as we’ve been friends on Facebook for years, but when I looked, we were not friends anymore, so I’m assuming this is the real deal. We’ll see. I should let him know that Goth Boy is back.
I’m very tired and I don’t think I’ll need anything to sleep, but if I do, that’s fine. I did not go outside yesterday. I got ready. I shaved. But I didn’t need to go anywhere and my energy levels felt off, so I didn’t go out. The only reason that bothers me is that I’ve not been out since Monday and I don’t want to fall back into bad habits. I did however get a lot done on my website. And I also got to catch up with Aaron on the phone, which was nice.
Time for sleep.