Our flight to FL yesterday was delayed by nearly 3 hours. That’s 2hours and 53 minutes sitting in the plane before takeoff. The flight itself was fine, but we arrived at our place around midnight. Our Florida property is in bad shape. We’d always had short-term renters in the past; people who stayed a week or two for a Disney vacation, and weren’t here often, leaving the place in great condition. The long-term renters were here about 8 or 9 months and they clearly had pets that they never reported. There are stains on fabrics and surfaces. The downstairs part smells. There were insects that I’d never seen before. The carpeting has some crusty spots. It is a lot of little things that will cost a lot of money to fix. In the past, this place always felt like a safe space for us, but it feels like it has been violated.
We got to bed around 2am. I did sleep for 8 hours though, until around 10am. I’ve been pretty lethargic today. I tried to put up a shower curtain but it appears that this was damaged as well. It’s all so disappointing.
Aaron, who has been fantastic, also hooked me up with a laptop so I could work on my website while we’re here. I don’t think I’ll be able to post pictures but there’s a lot that I can do otherwise. He’s just finished work so I should get ready so we can go to some stores to pick up various items we might need, not the least of which is more food. lol
Today’s quote title is from “Should I Let You In?” by Belinda Carlisle, from her 1987 second solo studio album, “Heaven on Earth”.
Various pieces by artists inspired by The Drowning Girl.
I slept well again, thankfully. I didn’t go to choir last night. I had a bit of a headache and I’d already been out and my stomach was iffy. I did get some packing done. And I sent a digital copy of CaitlÃn R. Kiernan’s The Drowning Girl to my new friend Linda. On the one hand, I think that Linda might love this book, as I do. And on the other hand, I know that sales help Kiernan, who is struggling to pay some bills right now. So this seemed like a good idea. I love this book so much and I’ve probably gifted it to at least 7 people over the years, which is not something that I typically do. I’ve given copies to Mollie Baker, my sister Janice, my ex-gf Jennifer, my cousin Katie, Aaron has listened to the audiobook. I’ve also recommended it countless times. I know my friend Isaiah Pittman is trying to read it. It’s so inventive and it moves me, and if I like you, I’ll probably recommend it to you. And anyone who loves the book might want to check out her collections, “To Charles Fort, With Love” and “Houses Under the Sea”, which both feature stories that tie into the novel. There are likely others, but I’m kind of pressed for time at the moment and I don’t want to ramble for too long! Suffice it to say, that if you’re reading this – and I honestly don’t know that anybody actually is, then I highly recommend The Drowning girl and Kiernan’s work in general. You can find more of her work on her Amazon page (which I don’t get any money from – I just think she’s worth reading) and I’m sure there are other links that would help her even more. I should just ask her.
And it’s the morning of a travel day. We won’t be leaving the apartment for about 4.5 hours; we like to get to the airport a couple of hours before our flights, just in case anything goes wrong. Our flight to Orlando boards around 5pm and we should arrive by around 9pm. Then it’s about an hour to our house. And we’ll likely get inside, try to get settled and go to bed soon after. So, hopefully I’ll be in bed in about 12 hours.
Today’s song quote title comes from “He’s Gone” by Saint Etienne, from their 1994 album Tiger Bay. An acquaintance of mine with really great taste in music, Steven Rink, posted this song on Facebook when he was moving from New York to the West Coast and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. I’m not headed for the West Coast today, but I’m leaving New York and so it felt appropriate.
I slept well. I made good time on my way to my doctor’s office. I took the A train from 181st to Columbus Circle (59th), then I walked to 55th and headed East to the Preston Robert Tisch Center for Men’s Health, where many of my doctors practice, including my G.I. Specialist (who I saw today), my therapist, who I generally see weekly via telemedicine / video chat, and one of my two primary care physicians. I’ve also seen migraine specialists there, one psychiatrist appointment and a few other odds and ends.
A man exiting the building as I entered complimented me on my Concrete Blonde shirt. I’ve gotten several compliments on the shirts I wear at this location, often by doctors. Aaron had a doctor there that helped him with some back problems; his doctor approached me when I was there on my own (and didn’t know that I even knew Aaron) and complimented me on a vintage Hellraiser shirt that I had worn that day. Anyways, the compliment surprised me and made me feel good. The doctor I saw today always amuses me. He’s very funny, very fast, and he thinks and speaks very quickly – which he knows and and has used to his advantage in is career. He’s quirky. I like him. And he’s friends with my therapist who works on the same floor.
I took a slightly different route home, walking along the bottom of Central Park. I spoke to my grandmother on the phone and tried to describe the park and the buildings I was walking by. I took photos. When I got home I chilled, hydrated and had a couple of fun conversations with my cousin Katie, and I traded texts with Nathan. I was going to go to choir tonight but I’m getting a headache and my stomach is not great, and Aaron just left. Maybe if the headache and stomach issues improve I’ll catch a train down to the practice, but I’m not sure if Aaron has my music or not, so maybe it’s best to just stay home – but I would have liked to have seen everyone.
Oh. And I’ve now been outside 17 days in a row!
Today’s title quote comes from “Don’t Wait For Us” by the French indie-pop band BLOW. It is the second track on their self-titled debut EP.
I just took a Xanax. There was awhile, years ago, when I would take them quite often. But just like with other methods that worked for me but were perhaps not the healthiest choice, I’ve severely limited my intake of this drug. For awhile it was a crutch, but now it is a tool that I can allow myself to use when I need it, and tonight I needed it.
I’m stressed. And I’m panicky beyond my circumstances. Aaron’s life is going through some major changes so I’m afraid that I seem selfish to be feeling like this, but that’s one of the contributing factors. His personal stress and his challenges affect my own. I like being stronger for him, but this week there are more issues than I usually have to deal with, and it’s the same for him, though he’s dealing with far more than me and much more gracefully.
Others issues include our upcoming travel. Sometimes I get so nervous before hand and it’s generally worse when I’ve not travelled in a few months. Before I moved to New York I had flown a few times. A trip to Florida. A trip to Las Vegas. A trip to San Francisco. But now we’ve flown so many times that I feel foolish for being nervous at all, but I am. We’ve probably flown to Michigan more than 30 times at this point. We’ve flown to Florida at least 6 or 7. We’ve flown to San Francisco, and London, and Rome, Barcelona and Texas. And thinking about it that way I probably don’t have anything to worry about, and yet I do.
I also feel a bit odd that I didn’t really get out today. Sure, I walked to the front of our building and stood outside a moment, but it’s not the same as walking a mile or two. And I only went out because I wanted to confirm that I could go out and that my desire to stay in wasn’t based in my weird fear of going outside. So that’s what I did. I got outside, I ate, I showered in the cold water. That’s another thing. Something wrong with our water pressure and we don’t have hot water. I’m trying to be an adult about this. So many people don’t even have water and I’m upset that the water isn’t warm enough? I noted earlier that it does keep me from lingering there. I wash and I get out. But I love taking my time in a hot shower. It’s where I do some of my best thinking.
My aide, Celine, who is a saint, is also not here this week. One of her cousins was murdered. It was so horrible! And they’ve had to wait a crazy amount of time for the funeral due to the investigation. And so I hope her travel goes smoothly and that she and her family can find some amount of healing from being together. When she’s not here it becomes even clearer how much she does for me. I’m aware otherwise and very grateful and I always, always thank her and speak well of her to her employers but it’s one other thing that this week is throwing at me.
I’m a whiner. I’m a glass half-empty kind of guy. But I’m trying not to be. Writing this is helping. I try to change the way I think. I try to reshape my thoughts and feelings, without denying them. I feel good that I let myself take the Xanax and that I don’t abuse it. I don’t think I’ve taken any in months, and I certainly haven’t taken a whole pill. But I’ve gotten better at recognizing when I need it and giving myself permission to take it. When I first started treatment with it, nearly 2 decades ago, in Michigan, I would let things get so bad before I took it, that the anxiety would get out of control. I would be shaking and on the verge of collapse. But I don’t let that happen anymore. It helps knowing what the drug can and cannot do for me. There are limits. The drug has limits. I have limits.
Another issue. I’m heading to doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I’ve gotten pretty good at getting to this building in the past, via 2 different trains. I mean, I usually take 2 trains to get there, not that I choose one or the other. But the stop that is near this building is closed. So the second train is pretty pointless. And I’ll need to walk pretty far to get there. There are buses that I could take but I’ve never trusted the bus system here. I find it very difficult to decipher the signage for busses here – but I’ve recently learned that others I trust have the same troubles. And so I will walk. It should take about 30 minutes on the train and then about 20 – 30 minutes of walking to get to the office. And then I get to come back the way that I came. And that will likely be all the walking I do tomorrow. I worry that I’ll get that leg pain again though.
I did get a lot done on my website. It took me hours and I’m convinced this will just make me seem that much more insane: I uploaded 36 more collages of ME. I compulsively make collages of all sorts of things but for my photos section I’ve put over a hundred collages of my face and other bits. It’s excessive. And yet I know that I have thousands more photos. But at least for now I think I’ll take a break from all that. It will give me time to get new pictures. lol Not something I need really, but I do like contrasting new and old photos. I tried to include pictures from the last 6 years in with the rest. We’ll see how that all shakes out. Perhaps I’ll cut way back on the number of collages here and just alternate them every now and again to keep it fresh? I don’t have a lot of feedback to go on, by design. People are such assholes online and I don’t want to have to deal with them, but that means I can’t accept any of the compliments either. Oh well.
I need to pack my backpack up now and get ready for bed. I need to get up by 9 and leave by 10. I’ll probably have a smoothie before I go.
Tonight lyric quote is from “Broken Head” by Catherine Wheel, from their essential 1993 album “Chrome”.
I’d share a link to the song here but Spotify is being shitty again. Which is why I’ve started including these photos and mentions of what the fuck I’m getting my title quotes from.
Edit: It’s Tuesday morning, May 19, 2026. I’ve had my smoothie. And Spotify is working so I’m adding the link to the song:
I slept more than 9 hours Saturday night and then cuddled with Aron for about an hour. I managed to get outside again (15 days in a row) and walked to Fort Tryon Park again but the shin / ankle pain was back. I thought I’d sit on the bench outside the park when I got there, relax for a bit and then keep going, which is what I did on Friday, but I found that my phone wasn’t working, which caused some amount of panic and I decided I’d head home instead of going into the park itself. Part of that was pain I was feeling. Part of it was the stress of the phone not working. But another part was that the heat, in the upper 80s, had started to feel oppressive. I made home okay and Aaron handled the phone – although I hope his solution works out. He paid a bill we don’t owe (for a crazy amount of money), thinking they will pay him back which I’m not comfortable with – but it isn’t my money, and he’s usually right about these things.
I took a shower. Our water pressure has had problems lately and this was no different. But we also don’t have much hot water, which hasn’t been a problem for us in years. I don’t like this, but we’re having someone in to look at it.
Season 1 poster for “The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power” which was initially released September 1 – October 14, 2022.
Later, after a delay of about a month, I finally watched the final 2 episodes of Season 1 of The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power which were epic in scope, filled with the sweeping vistas, fantastic acting and production design, and all the other wonderful elements I’ve now come to expect from the series. And I cried a lot. It made Aaron happy that I’m enjoying the show (which he binged earlier this year) and that we can talk about this season in full now. He did spoil one thing accidentally, but I’m actually quite relieved rather than angered. That particular secret seemed far too dragged out for me so his reveal pleased me a great deal. And though I’m happy I get to watch at least 2 more seasons of the series, I love how this ending works. If the series had been cancelled after this season, it would still be wonderful, it would still feel like an excellent prequel to the films and although there are dangling plot threads, none of them seems so overwhelming that this ending could not have been satisfying on its own. I wish more series would do this.
We had a Zoom call with Aaron’s sister, which was lovely. I’d called her from the car on Saturday and she requested my presence in their weekly chat. It was all enjoyable but I left them for bed around 10.
I slept relatively well Sunday night. No cuddles in the morning as I woke up very hungry and thirsty. My stomach has not been as well behaved today as it has been the last few days, and so I began working on my website, which I’ve now done all day. I’ve not been outside yet, but I’d like to get out for a bit so that I don’t lose my record! But I don’t know if I’m up to going to Aaron’s pool game tonight, because I don’t know that I’m up for being out late. I have a doctor’s appointment that I have to travel for tomorrow and then Wednesday we travel, flying to Florida to check on our house there, which has apparently suffered some damage from the last occupants. I love our house in FL and I like going there, but I always find travel to be a bit stressful, so I’m not looking forward to that part.
Today’s song quote title is from Depeche Mode’s “Blasphemous Rumors”, from their excellent 1984 album, “Some Great Reward”.
I did not sleep well Friday night, only getting about 5 hours. I also had potato chips on Friday, which for many years was a staple of my diet. Every day. But I’ve since noticed that I don’t like how I feel after I eat them, which feels bizarre to me. They are the ultimate comfort food for me, and yet they make me feel horrible, so I’m starting to feel about them the way that I imagine alcoholics feel about alcohol. I hate them, but I crave them and every once in awhile I break down and have them, and then I feel like shit for hours after. I don’t like it. But I like that I can recognize the connection, when I’m not sure that I would have just a few years ago.
Bald Jason: 05-16-26.
I got ready for the Stonewall Chorale talent show party hours in advance and then just chilled. Well…chilled isn’t the right word. I didn’t relax. I just waited. And I felt slightly trapped. I wanted to go for a walk but didn’t feel I could. I mean, I had the time, but anytime I go out I risk not having the energy to do things later and I didn’t want that. But long story short, we did eventually go, and despite some delays, we made it in time for plenty of fun. We actually drove through Manhattan, The Bronx and Queens to get to Brooklyn so we were in 4 of the 5 NYC boroughs – I jokingly tried to get Aaron to take us to Staten Island so we could hit all 5 but he refused. I read this poem in the talent show, which was a hit despite me not reading it incredibly well; it felt nice to contribute to the group. Two others also read poems. 2 people played drums. 1 did martial arts. There was a fortune teller reading. Tricks with cherry stems. A dramatic performance. Interpretive dance. It was all very lighthearted and joyful. It was so much fun to see so many people outside of the choir setting. with many of them behaving very differently – not in a crazy way. I just mean, people were more relaxed and there was more time to actually talk and bond. It was lovely.
Some of the party people. Several had left by this point, but I asked for a group photo before we headed out and everyone kindly joined in. 05-17-26.
Oh. And going to the party marked my 14th consecutive day out of the apartment! I think 4 days was my record when I started this and so I’m doing really, really well. And with the walks to the park I’ve walked at least 9 or 10 miles this week. That’s crazy. It seems impossible to me, and yet I was there for it. I feel good.
After the party, on our way home, we drove Nicole and Nick to their places. It was nice to have still more conversations. After we were both safe inside I quickly began getting tired and started getting ready for bed around 8. By 9 I was in bed and falling asleep fast. I slept for something like 9 hours. I got up briefly but went back to bed knowing that Aaron would want to cuddle, which I did for almost another hour, and then I got up. I had a cherry smoothie and uploaded several more poems. I will continue to work on the site for a bit and then I will likely go for another walk, which I’ll invite Aaron on but I don’t know if he’ll go or not. We have a phone / video date with his sister tonight. And beyond that I don’t know what else is in store today. I have a G.I. appointment on Tuesday and then we leave for Florida on Wednesday.
Today’s journal entry quote comes from “Breakfast in Vegas” by Praga Khan. This song was playing at a San Francisco club in October of 2000, when a woman called me a gay slur before I started making out with her boyfriend, which I described in my poem.
I walked .02 miles to a local grocery store. I picked up a head of cauliflower, some mushrooms and the waffles that my dietician recommended. After I took that home the weather was so lovely that I changed and walked to the park. When I go to Fort Tryon Park, I love to sit in this area called the Linden Terrace, where I often call my grandmother as I take in the view of the Hudson River and New Jersey across the river. On my way to the park I had a resurgence of this pain that I sometimes get in my ankles / shins. I sat on a bench just outside the park and called my sister, Janice, who I spoke to for about 20 minutes, eventually walking into the park and continued to chat with her. There were so many squirrels in the park today, many of them approaching me in a way that I’ve never seen before; I assumed that many people feed them and this was confirmed by my friend Nathan later. Walking to Linden Terrace from our apartment is exactly a mile. I felt good and the pain had gone. I took a longer, more scenic route home, so I’m sure I walked about 3 miles today. And that’s me being out 13 days in a row.
I passed this woman feeding pigeons on my way home. 05-15-26.
I traded texts with Janice and Nathan. I had some nice moments with Celine and Aaron. And I just chilled for the rest of the afternoon.
Aaron is taking me to a Stonewall Chorale party tomorrow that will feature a talent show in which none of the performers can sing as their talent. I’m reading a poem, but I’m not sure which title I’ll pick. I’ve narrowed it down to a few, but I think it will depend on how the audience seems. Really, I’d share all of them if I could. Not because I think I’m an amazing writer, but because I have a very hard time deciding anything! lol
I’m staying up a bit later tonight to get some stuff ready for that and I haven’t really gotten ready for bed yet. If I get to bed by 1am I should be fine.
Today’s title quote is from “Rebirth of the Cool” by The Afghan Whigs from their 1992 album “Uptown Avondale”.
On May 13, Wednesday morning my therapist reached out and asked if we might meet at 1:50, rather than 2pm as she had another obligation. I agreed. Usually when I have something scheduled later in the day I don’t go out at all because I never know what will happen and I’m worried I’ll miss what I have planned, but it was expected to rain later and I really wanted to get outside again and to the park. I told myself not to worry because really I just needed to get outside and I didn’t have to go far. When I got outside I headed to Starbucks. I got a larger drink than what I usually get these days; I got an iced grande dirty soy chai and I guess from Tuesday’s trip that I could probably get to the park and home before my appointment. I walked to the park up Fort Washington. On Tuesday I had cut through the 181st Street station, which has an elevator that takes you up the hill I was now walking up, but it was fine. I walked by Bennett Park and nearly stopped there but I just kept going.
The weather was nicer than I expected and I was in a good mood. Fort Tryon Park has long been my favorite NYC park and it’s just so beautiful. I didn’t stay in the park long though, because again, there was an expectation of rain, an appointment I needed to attend, and along with all that, I inhaled a beautiful flowery scent that seemed to be lilacs, though I couldn’t see any – only for this to cause me to start coughing, which I couldn’t stop. I was very grateful that I got that beverage and that I’d barely sipped it on my walk because it helped on my way home. I had taken the A Train home the previous day as it’s part of my therapy to ride trains, but even though I felt up to walking I took the train for all the reasons I just listed for not staying in the park. It was the right call. I was able to get home, get cleaned up and prepare for my appointment, which went very well.
I didn’t go out after that. I just relaxed. I did watch the “The Punisher: One Last Kill”, which I enjoyed. It made me cry. It’s brutal but so is the character, and my only real complaints were that it felt too similar to earlier Punisher stories even if it made a point of taking the character in a new direction and that it had very few ties to any of the other Marvel stories featuring the character of late. But everything else was impressive and a counter argument could also be made for what was or wasn’t onscreen, so I think it works.
For the record, I think my preferred viewing order for 2027 set M.C.U. projects goes like this:
01 Daredevil: Born Again Season 1 (9 episodes) 02 Captain America: Brave New World 03 The Punisher: One Last Kill 04 The Fantastic 4: First Steps 05 Daredevil: Born Again Season 2 (8 episodes) 06 Thunderbolts*
I slept well, more or less Wednesday. I slept well into the morning, getting up around 9:30am. Aaron was gone for the day. Another report about rain on the way and lower temperatures, I again wanted to get to the park. I took the A train there and back as I wasn’t really dressed for the weather but didn’t want to change and I had some pain in my ankles, that comes and goes, which I plan on talking to my doctor about at our appointment next month. Again, I didn’t stay long at the park. It was more about getting outside. And this marked 13 days out in a row! So that was nice. And I later learned that I’ve lost a pound. That’s a big accomplishment for me. I’ve never once tried to lose weight before, so to see any success is really nice. And while it’s only a pound, I bet other health related things have also improved, given the changes in my diet and being more active.
Once I was home, I was home for the day. I later traded texts with Nathan, which is the first we’ve spoken since Sunday. We seem to be getting along, which is nice. I worked on my site a bit. I’m getting a lot done, but it’s all on stuff that I can’t display until it’s DONE and there’s still so much to do. That’s a little frustrating.
I slept well again. Very well. I also lingered in the bedroom for longer than I expected because Aaron begged me for cuddles. lol I had a smoothie when I finally stumbled out of bed. It’s sunny outside, which is nice. I don’t love being in the sun, but I prefer sunny to overcast.
I just found out I’m in a talent show tomorrow. Aaron says I should read a poem but I’m not sure which piece I should do. I’ll try to look that over, but I’m getting a migraine. That’s sucks, but it’s also been great not having any in several days, and this just means my medication is working. I used to have them nearly every day and the medication I take cuts whatever number you have in half, so I’m likely due for one. I’ll take something for it in a minute. I have so many things I want to do and work on today. We’ll see how that ends up.
We’re leaving for Florida next week. I knew it was happening but it’s creeped up on me all the same. Hopefully that goes well. I realized this morning I’d have to not work on my site while I’m there because my laptop is dead and I can’t take this computer with me (it’s huge) and I can’t really get a lot done via my phone. But Aaron just assured me that we’ll find something that works. He’s brilliant, so I don’t doubt that we’ll find an answer.
Okay. I should get moving.
Today’s lyric headline comes from the song “Emperor’s New Clothes” by Panic! At The Disco, from their 2016 album, “Death of a Bachelor”.
I slept a lot but I had nightmares. Aaron and I were cleaning a large farm house and the surrounding area because we had relatives that were visiting, and a tornado hit. I was outside and saw the thing – which was several storms tied into one. My imagined storm was inventive but terrifying. I got back inside but couldn’t find Aaron and I also couldn’t remember his name to call it out while searching for him, which upset me more than the storm. He eventually arrived. He had gone with Daniel Radcliffe to save some orphans. When they arrived at the house there were many people there, but before it had been empty. A young trans woman went to hug Aaron who hugged her back. I sensed they had some kind of relationship. She noticed me watching and scolded Aaron for not hugging me first, but this felt manipulative and performative. I don’t know where this part of the dream stems from because I don’t know anybody who would do this. I woke several times and cuddled with Aaron for a long time, sleeping and waking, but the last time I woke up starving – with something like hunger cramps. I got up around 8:30 and made a smoothie, which I drank as I wrote this.
According to the weather it will be cloudy most of the day and get to a high of 70 around 2pm, which is when my therapy appointment is. It’s also likely that we’ll get rain later into the night.
“It Must Be Imagination” by Kenny Loggins from “High Adventure”. I owned this album on cassette tape. I loved it. But when I got it, it was already nearly a decade old and I wouldn’t have been surprised if you’d told me it was even older. I got it in a bargain bin or something and I was kind of shocked that I loved it, and I still love it to this day.
I was just talking about this album and Kenny Loggins with our friend Nathan on Sunday, so it’s been on my mind, but honestly, several of the tracks are consistently on playlists of mine, although my favorite is probably “If It’s Not What You’re Looking For”.
