Aaron and I voted early yesterday afternoon. October 28, 2026. We also watched another TNG episode, with S03E13 “Deja Q”. I went to bed early, falling asleep around 11, but I woke up at 3am (October 29, 2026) and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I got up and worked on my website for a minor update but accidentally deleted all my menus! So that was a stressful time consumer. After that I knew I wasn’t getting back to sleep. I took half a Xanax, shaved and showered, then cuddled with Aaron for about 40 minutes before we got up for his appointment, which went smoothly. I drove us home again, which I handled well despite there being a detour. I spoke to Mollie Baker, briefly on the phone, then tried to relax.
I took a nap. When I woke up I picked up my phone and immediately got a text from Jason Brooks. I had messaged him on Sunday to let him know that Walter Koenig had died – and that he and I are both now older than Patrick Stewart was when he filmed the Star Trek episodes that Aaron and I are watching. I thought that would get a laugh, or something – and this message seemed to be in response to that, only it didn’t really make sense. Fearing the worse, I looked online and sure enough, Patrick Stewart had died at the age of 86. I’ve been in a bit of shock ever since reading that, I think, because I haven’t spent a great deal of time speaking about Patrick Stewart and this week I have. It’s weird. Jarring. His final film will be “Avengers: Doomsday”, which Aaron and I already have tickets for. The film opens the same day as “Dune: Part 3”, which is another oddity, in that Patrick Stewart played the role of Gurney Halleck in David Lynch’s 1984 “Dune” film.
I don’t often cry when celebrities die. It’s not that I don’t care, but I don’t really know them, you know? I cried when George Michael died, which will be 10 years ago this Christmas. And a little while ago, in the shower, I shed tears for Sir Patrick Stewart. Godspeed Captain.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Look Away”, a non-album 2016 single by Eli Lieb and Steve Grand, who are both openly gay.
I went to bed relatively early last night. We needed to be up very early this morning for Aaron’s appointment – with no time to shave. I got some writing done, a new poem about Sean and a few more fragments. Missing him.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but Aaron and I watched some TNG this weekend. We’d been working on watching all of Star Trek in chronological order and had stalled for a bit. I knew he wanted to continue and I had to cancel some plans with him due to my disability – so we watched some TNG instead (S03E11 “The Hunted” & S03E12 “The High Ground”); after this point I know the series much better, having had access to / re-watching the rest of Season 3, Season 4 & Season 5, with much of Seasons 6 & 7 as well. Still, it’s been a long time, decades even since I’ve seen some of them and it should be fun.
Aaron had his show tonight, which I’ll likely see on Saturday. I stayed in and watched the 2 new VisionQuest episodes. I liked them overall, though this is the first week in which I was a bit frustrated with Vision’s reluctance to give Tommy information that he needs and is asking for, and near the end it seemed we were moving past that, until we weren’t. I have a theory about who the mysterious “client” is in the series, but I don’t want to say and possibly spoil it for anyone else. The series continues to have several surprises, some of which are great. The continuity mostly feels on point, but it also sometimes feels forced; like they’re checking off references on a score card or something. I usually love this stuff, so even my reaction to that seems odd. I am slightly worried about how the series might end given that there are only 2 episodes left, 1 a week – but the episodes are the longest of the season, so we essentially have a movie length’s worth of time to go. My hope is that Billy and Tommy and Vision are reunited at the end (with Vision closer to his previous iterations) and that they leave to find Wanda – with a set-up for either “Doomsday” and / or “Secret Wars”.
My head really hurts. Sometimes migraines creep up on me – and this one certainly has.
I need to take some pain killer and get ready for bed.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “We Exist” by Canadian indie rock band Arcade Fire from their 2013 fourth studio album, “Reflektor”. The song was described by Arcade Fire lead singer Win Butler as “about a gay kid talking to his dad” and coming out to his straight father. Introducing the song onstage, Butler also said that “the right to marry anyone you want is a human rights issue.” Andrew Garfield stars in the music video as a transgender woman, shaving her head and getting dressed. She then goes to a small-town local bar where she is harassed and assaulted by some bar patrons. She collapses and enters a “dream-like sequence”, where she dances accompanied by a group of male dancers in matching plaid half-shirts and jean shorts. In the final moments of the video, the protagonist walks through a portal to Arcade Fire’s Coachella concert, where she dances on stage.
I tried to get back to sleep Sunday morning (10-25-26). We like it cool when we sleep but in winter it can get very cold in our bedroom so I use a few blankets, always using this one that my mother crocheted for me. My mother died a little over 5 years ago, so it means a lot to me.
I took Aaron to his treatment. I get bored waiting for hours, but I’ve been enjoying the drive home. Driving into the city this time was…an experience. New Yorkers have this thing where the lanes on the roads seem to be only suggestions. It’s a little stressful, but not as bad as I expected it to be. Aaron says I’m his hero for going to these appointments with him and giving him the rides home as these are not activities that are easy for me. It’s nice that recognizes and acknowledges this. I need some days where I don’t need to worry about anything like this, really consecutive days, because I have to go to bed very early to be up in the morning for these things and I’m wearing a bit thin on that front. I just need to find a balance. I only have so much energy in a single day due to my disability, and I had been doing really well with exercise and I need time and space for that which has been lagging of late. I’ll try to work that out with Aaron.
I was worn out from that little trip. Like I said, I only have so much energy to spend and these appointments involve driving for an hour, then me sitting in a waiting room for about 2.5 / 3 hours, and then me driving us home. It’s a lot, even though I’m not very active during these sessions, but that’s part of my frustration. I watched quite a bit of television. I watched more SVU, started re-watching AHS (with “Freak Show”, due my new viewing order – I watched the first 1.5 episodes), and I also watched another Avatar episode (S01E09 “The Waterbending Scroll”). I went to bed early again last night because I needed to be up early today for my own appointment.
This morning, Monday, October 26, I caught the A train at 181st and took it down to Penn Station (34th). Exiting the subway my immediate view was of the distant Empire State Building, then I walked by Madison Square Garden. This new appointment was in the same building as my anal pap, but this was a totally different doctor. Today I finally saw an endocrinologist. It only took 3 or 4 years. lol I did try to get in sooner, but there are a whole series of unforeseen hurdles and unexpected delays. My doctor was nice and informative and so now I have another member of my care team, which is extensive, for which I’m grateful.
When I got home, I ate. I had egg whites + a blueberry zucchini smoothie. I changed my clothes. I started a new poem when I was a the doctor’s office, which I finished. Then I went for a walk, stopping by to see Aaron visiting with his former coworker, said hi, then I was off to the park.
I showered when I got home. I had walked my usual 2 miles, plus today’s appointment, and I’d eaten well. I felt good. I relaxed with some Zelda (BOTW). Then decided I’d post this.
Oh! The nurse at the doctor’s office asked me if I was in the fashion industry, and when I went to the park, a woman stopped me to tell me how much she loved my pants. That was nice.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “lovely.” by queer synth pop artist and producer Gregory Dillon, from his 2020 EP “Sad Magic”. I’ve curated a large collection of LGBTQ+ inclusive / themed music and I stumbled on Dillon’s work a few years ago. I love this song.
Aaron got me flowers on our anniversary Thursday. They’re very pretty. I really prefer to buy flowers for other people, but Aaron doesn’t like receiving flowers, so I never buy them anymore. When I lived in Michigan I would buy flowers for my mother and my maternal grandmother every year, and they loved them.
On Friday, 10-23-26, I felt a little down. So did Aaron. It was sunny outside which made it stranger, because I’m not usually like that when the sun is shining. I went for a brief walk to pick up some prescriptions and get some food. I started Season 2 of The Rings of Power but I fell asleep during the first episode. I started reading “Magic’s Promise” but I didn’t get far. I traded some texts with Jennifer and Felix about Marvel, and I had fun exchanges with Janice and Katie (about massive American Horror Story reveals). I also watched more of SVU Season 24; Season 28 is currently airing, which means I’ve never been this close to the current season, maybe I’ll be caught up by the end? I don’t know. I tend to take long breaks from the series.
I forgot to mention that I read character actor Richard Riehle died the other day, on October 15, 2026. He was often in things that I loved, having bit roles in “Ally McBeal” & “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, but really, in the last few years, I noted that he was in many LGBTQ+ films, such as “Fried Green Tomatoes”, “Prelude to a Kiss”, “Body of Evidence”, “River Made To Drown In”, “The Fluffer”, “The Laramie Project” & “Mysterious Skin”. It got to the point that when I would see him pop up in this or that thing, I always smiled, because it was like seeing an old friend, whom I didn’t actually know and had never met.
I went to bed early last night. We have plans this morning. But I woke up after 3, finding it difficult to breathe. I got up for a bit, which sometimes helps, but it didn’t. I’m sure it’s allergies; I’ve been sneezing (not coughing) for a few days. I did a nasal rinse, which helped a little, but my device seems to be messing up and I may need a new one. Then eventually I took some Sudafed and wrote this.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from the song “Gods & Monsters”, by American singer and songwriter, Elizabeth Woolridge Grant, known professionally as Lana Del Rey, from her third extended play, “Paradise” and the reissue of her second album “Born to Die”, “Born to Die: The Paradise Edition”. “Gods & Monsters” was released on November 9, 2012. The song was covered by Jessica Lange in an fourth season episode of American Horror Story (“Freak Show”), which is where I first heard it, despite not loving that iteration, as my favorite line (“looking to get fucked hard”) wasn’t featured – which felt weird to me, as the series is pretty extreme and the story features a one legged woman running a freak show carnival performing a song 60 years before its actual release, in a series that often feature lurid, graphic imagery and storylines…but that line was too much? It annoyed me, even if I liked that season more than any of those that followed. YMMV.
On Sunday, October 18, 2026, I marked the 25 year anniversary of the night that I met Sean Mobley. We eventually dated. He struggled with addiction for years, and eventually ended his life in December of 2021. We went for long intervals without contact, but when we did speak he often mentioned that of all the people he dated, that I was the kindest, and based on a smattering of stories he shared, I believed him. He had a lot of bad experiences; a lot of demons, and many horrible things happened to him in those last years. He wasn’t always the easiest person to communicate with, but I always cherished our time together and I miss him.
I tried to not get depressed or lost in past, which is one of my struggles. I tried to eat healthy food that day – and to be kind to myself, with some success at both.
On Monday, October 19, I went with Aaron to his therapy appointment. I’m getting more in the habit of this trip, the route we drive, the pace of the therapy and our trip home after when I drive. In fact, on this day I drove us all the way home, which was a first for me. I’ve never driven in Manhattan like this before, which went really well. I was lucky, because there was far less traffic than there often is, but I was also more skilled in dealing with the stuff that bothers me than I had thought possible, so that was nice.
That afternoon I decided I’d revisit some LGBTQ films I watched during the pandemic, a film project that at the time had kept me sane in lockdown and which grew into a viewing of several hundred queer films – and eventually, many film reviews, but not only didn’t I know that was something that would happen, in the beginning, I just wanted to watch movies and that’s all there was to it, so there are lots of entries that I never really wrote anything about. Now I can. So I re-watched the first entry that I originally watched on March 18, 2020, “Geography Club”, a 2013 adaptation of the 2003 young adult novel by queer American author Brent Hartinger…and I think even that description is more than I originally wrote about it. I’ll try to write the review later today.
I haven’t watched any more Avatar since the other day. I have watched the VisionQuest episodes as they’ve been released (with episodes 3 & 4 released on Tuesday 10-20-26) and I’m loving that. There are so many shows I’d like to get to, but I also don’t want to spend all of my time watching TV.
Speaking of October 20, that day I had a follow-up appointment with my new Primary Care Physician. Technically, I’ve been seeing him for years, but with a different doctor as my PCP, but the the guy I’ve been seeing, is great in many ways, but has failed me a few times now, in ways that have hurt my trust in him. I can always go back and see him in a pinch if I have to, but my new PCP is funny, gay, and most importantly, brilliant. He always asks me questions that the other doesn’t, and puts me on a path that feels productive, responsive and responsible. I feel good about this.
Yesterday, October 21, 2026, was easily the worst day I’ve had in a long time. Everything went wrong. Anything I tried to do, failed. I was planning on working on a photo project because I was going to have the apartment to myself, only Aaron didn’t leave. I love when Aaron is here, but I had specifically made plans based on what he’d told me, so that was disappointing. It wasn’t that big of a deal though. I decided I’d go for a walk, but the outfit I chose wasn’t warm enough; the forecast I’d seen had said it was going to be in the 70s, but it was in the high 50s. I returned home to get a jacket, but the jacket caught on something, injuring me, and spoiling the mood. Again, not a huge deal. I had plenty of things I needed to do on my website, so I changed, and got ready for an afternoon spent at my desk, but then the internet went out. Aaron asked if I’d like to go to his rehearsal that night and I thought about it and decided that I would, and that’s when the migraine kicked in. I took medication, and I ate, but none of it stayed down. I cancelled. I decided I’d stay in and relax and watch some television. I’ve been slowly working my way through Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for years, and when they crossover with other shows, I watch those episodes. The other day I’d finished Season 23 and had started Season 4, which began with a crossover between Organized Crime (Part 1), SVU (Part 2) and the original Law & Order (Part 3) – and I had watched the first 2, so I tried watched the third part, only that season is one that isn’t available on streaming. I tried just skipping to the next SVU, but it kept crashing. I’m not even listing everything. I didn’t cry. But I sometimes felt like crying. It was horrible. Before I slept I was able to keep some toast down, and by then it felt like a huge victory.
I slept well. I woke up early and had a smoothie, then went back to bed, finally finished reading “Magic’s Pawn”, then cuddled with Aaron for a few hours. Today, October 22, 2026, is our 15 year anniversary! He’s working today but we’re planning on doing something on Saturday. I’d like to go to the Brooklyn Boardwalk as I’ve never been there, but Aaron would like to Botanical Gardens. Perhaps we’ll do both? We’ll see. I look forward to reading “Magic’s Promise”, which is the last novel I need to reread before the new entry comes out in December, though there are a few short stories I should probably look back on. I’ll work that out later.
A week ago today, I got a Facebook message from Jeff Adkins, a friendly guy I hooked up with a little over 26 years ago. I do try to stay in touch with everyone I’ve ever dated / hooked up with, which I’m sure must seem weird to some people. It seems weird to me sometimes too, but coming of age during the AIDS crisis, we were encouraged to have contact information for anyone we had sex with, and that has stuck with me. Plus, I just genuinely like talking to people that I know intimately. Anyways, it was good to hear from him; he has a new book coming out that he’s written called “The F#ckboy Recovery Guide” which will be released next month. He wanted me to read it, which I was flattered by, but just like with several other friends who are authors, I had to let him know that I’m an extremely slow reader. I don’t think I conveyed (but should have) that I also have a hard time focusing on any one thing. I start lots of books, with the intention of finishing them, but then I see something shiny and off I go. It’s become far worse as I’ve aged. I would like to read his book. And I encourage others to check it out. Anyways – I figured I wrote about him back in the day, because that’s generally how it goes with me, and I had, so I ported that poem over to this site, and here it is.
I might try to port more poetry over today. I also want to get that review in and I have some other films I’d like to watch. I’m not sure if that will happen today. I’m really very hungry right now so I’ll try to eat and see how that goes, I guess.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Charlotte Sometimes” by English rock band The Cure, from the 2005 deluxe edition of their 1981 third studio album “Faith”. The title and lyrics were based on the 1969 children’s novel “Charlotte Sometimes” by the English writer Penelope Farmer. The Rough Guide to Cult Pop called the song “a goth masterpiece of doomed beauty and ruined elegance”. Agreed.
Aaron went out last night (Friday, 10-16-26) with our friend Nick. I stayed in and played Zelda, while watching a couple episodes of “Avatar: The Last Airbender” (Season 1) & “Law & Order: SVU” (Season 23). I went to bed around 11 and woke up at 4 (Saturday, 10-17-26), but quickly went back to sleep. We slept in together and cuddled late into the morning. We were thinking of going to the Botanical Gardens today but the weather didn’t support it and neither of us felt great. I played more of my game and watched some more stuff. I wasn’t very active but I ate better. I’ve been eating chips again, but I’m out now and I’m not planning on getting more soon. Instead I ate a variety of healthier options: hummus, lettuce, zucchini, blueberries, cashews, pecans, some pita bread, and a thing slice of fiber rich bread with butter and chia seeds. I’ve had a protein drink, but I’ve mostly had water today. Later I went to Starbucks (wanting to get outside) and got my now usual spinach feta wrap.
I just set up a page to display my old bedroom collages, but I’m tired and probably won’t finish them tonight. I actually think I’m going to get ready for bed. I have less than 50 pages left in my book, so I should be finishing that this week.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Night” by English musician Gary Numan, from his 1997 thirteenth solo studio album, “Exile”. The album followed a loose concept, namely that, rather than being opposites, God and the Devil were two sides of the same coin. Each track reflected some aspect of this premise.
I accompanied Aaron to his appointment Thursday (10-15-26). There was a bit of stress heading home. I think I need more practice driving, or at least driving in the area, so I’ll probably start driving us to the appointments as well. Exposure therapy, as it were. I’ve done that before, with lots of things, and it always helps. I need practice driving around here, and just driving our car, whom we call Ruby. lol
I didn’t do much yesterday. I’ve been negotiating with my younger self. Getting us to do things that are healthier for us, while striving to not piss him off or make him feel unheard. It’s going pretty well for now, which is a relief. I had therapy early this morning (10-16-26) and I have a couple of other doctor appointments next week. We may go to the Botanical Gardens tomorrow as an early celebration of our 15 year anniversary; Aaron will be busy on the actual day (10-22-26). The migraine that I’ve been struggling with all week is less pervasive today, but it’s very near the surface and we’re going to get rain later, which almost always makes these things worse.
I wrote a new poem today about a boy that I dated years ago; I like this piece more than most I’ve written lately – and I like how the art turned out as well, which is pictured above. I also uploaded 3 more NSFW Photo Collages. I’ll try to watch another Avatar episode later. Really, I just want to keep my head down today and try to eat more sensibly.
Today’s journal entry song quote title comes from “Crash Into Me” by the American rock band Dave Matthews Band, from their 1996 second studio album. The song was a hit single, and I actually shared a remix of the song on a mixed CD that I gifted to the boy I wrote about this morning, which might be why I’m thinking of him today, because I’ve had the song stuck in my head since yesterday.
I woke up around 2am. I got up, ate (6 veggie tots with chia seeds), read the news and worked on new NSFW Photo Collages for my website. Just as I was going back to bed I noticed a headline that revealed that all of the “VisionQuest” episodes had moved from Wednesday night releases to Tuesdays, meaning the premiere will be tonight, October 13, which relates to events in “WandaVision” which were relayed in “Agatha All Along”. Nice. I went back to bed. My stomach hurt and I was hyped about the show, but I did manage to get back to sleep, for about a minute, when Aaron woke me. He has these night terrors, sleep paralysis, and has learned that if he calls out that I will wake him – just as I’ve learned to wake up completely when I hear him calling. I was glad I was there to help, but was frustrated to be awake. I didn’t think I could fall asleep again, so I got up and had a smoothie. Aaron has a brand of chocolate smoothie which bothers his stomach, so he isn’t using it anymore. I asked him yesterday if he minded if I tried it and he didn’t object, so I made one of those and drank it very quickly…because it was delicious, but this led to me shivering. body shaking for about 10 minutes. I finished a third collage, which means I can add them now (I like to do them in threes) but I might hold off until I can do more. I’ve not decided. I’m not sure I can sleep now, but we have to leave here at 10 and won’t be home until around 3, I think. Which means I’ll probably crash around then – which hopefully wasn’t a bad choice of words, since I’ll be driving today.
This morning’s journal entry song quote is from “Dance Desire”, by the Canadian band Haywire, from their 1987 second album, “Don’t Just Stand There”. I used to watch a Canadian Music Video show in the 80s called “Video Hits”, which played this song. I found a lot of Canadian music fascinating, and I liked a lot of it, but at the time it was very hard to find as many of the ‘hits’ were either not released in the United States or didn’t chart here. Anyways, I’ve only liked this one.
Friday morning’s appointment (10-09-26) with Aaron went well, I think. I’m glad his treatment is going well. Our friend Bernard was going to drive us but had some medical problems and had been in the E.R. the night before, so we took an Uber, which was expensive. Aaron asked if I might do some of the driving from now on, driving us from his appointments from White Plains to just outside Manhattan, and that by then he should be able to park the car. I’ve never really driven anywhere near New York, even though I’ve lived here for 14 years, but I agreed I could do that. Aaron appreciated my attentiveness and support.
The trip wasn’t without its triggers and I wrote something new, though I’m not sure that it’s any good. It served its purpose. I was tired all day and took a few naps. I went to bed early, before 7pm, slept until around midnight, then got up until around 4am (10-10-26) and went back to bed, cuddling with Aaron for a big chunk of that time. I had good dreams, though I can’t remember the details now. When I woke I worked on my Marvel Viewing Order, which is far from finished, but is finally in a less embarrassing state – I don’t mind if people stumble on it now, and I might ask a few friends for feedback. I updated several other pages also.
I showered, ate, and checked to see if there was any Star Trek news from NYCC, the main piece being that Season 2 of Starfleet Academy will arrive in March of 2027. That series was cancelled earlier this year (which seemed to be political in nature) and the final season of Strange New Worlds will also be released next year – and this era of Trek that began with the first Kelvin Timeline film in 2009 will come to an end. They’re working on a new movie but it will be a new creative team with no ties to the old, as far as I know. I loved a lot of this era, but I’ve had a few disappointments as well – most notably, Season 2 of Star Trek: Picard and the 2 recent seasons of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds + Section 31 – otherwise I was pretty happy with everything.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “The Ubiquitous Mr Lovegrove” by British-Australian neoclassical darkwave band Dead Can Dance, from their 1993 sixth studio album “Into the Labyrinth”, which I first heard in late 1994 (via Gene Warrick), though at the time, I assumed it was much older than that. Gene was a creep, and a rapist, so I used to have really bad associations with a lot of the music that he played for me, but I eventually softened on Dead Can Dance, New Order and Kate Bush – but I’ve never really come to enjoy Christian Death.
