I’ve had no energy the last few days. I’ve not left the apartment, though I should try to do so today, if for no other reason than I need some pita bread for the lettuce and hummus that I have. Thrilling, isn’t it?
While indoors, I’ve read quite a bit more of “Magic’s Promise”. This was my least favorite installment of The Last Herald-Mage Trilogy when I was a kid, but it’s grown on me a bit more as I’ve aged. I had been re-reading these books so I’d be ready for the new volume that is set between “Magic’s Promise” & “Magic’s Price”, but the new book, “Vanyel and Vixen”, has been pushed back from November 2026 to August 2027. Ugh. Something similar happened a year or two ago when I started rereading the Wicked Years – as the author released 2 more books (“Elphie” & “Galinda”) in the series, leaving me far less excited to continue on. Oh well. I’ll likely finish this one at least.
Yesterday I watched a queer film I’d never seen before, which I posted a short review for. I also wrote a poem about a dream, right after I woke from it. I don’t even remember writing it, but there it is. Perhaps I’m losing my memory altogether? Perhaps.
I might watch another queer film today. I don’t know. The finale for “VisionQuest” will be released tonight at 9pm. Looking forward to it.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Genghis Khan” by Swedish indie pop band Miike Snow from their 2016 third studio album, “iii”. Musically, “Genghis Khan” is an electropop song with funk and R&B influences and lyrics which see the protagonist likening his jealousy to the behavior of the Mongolian emperor.
Both sides of the fence can be laughing and taunting.
But there is a difference tween having and wanting.
The last first time that he was with me.
Our past was a crime and we wished to be free.
For we were both haunted the last time we met.
We were both wanted and both knew regret.
In a dream of a cousin who does not exist.
A dream of a cousin who I so longed to kiss.
A dreamed of reunion between him and I.
A dream of confusion and a dreamed of goodbye.
He was older than me but younger than him.
He was bolder than me in that summer of sin.
Yet I wanted more than what he was giving; down to my core but I was forgiving…
The hug by the road which was our goodbye.
The hug as time slowed and we wanted to try.
Lost in inference: teens passing a haunting…
Star-crossed indifference tween having and wanting.
Written by Jason Wright November 9, 2026
Based on the dream I woke from. There was a boy, a cousin. I thought he was much older than me but learned he was only 1 year older. In the dream he was based on a cousin who is actually younger than me, but I always think of him as being older now, for some reason, which probably explains the dream discrepancy. He was blonde and a fellow student; he had nice teeth and though he was sad he always seemed to be smiling. I felt he was lying about what he truly wanted, which echoed my youth when I encountered several others just like him. I thought he might be stealing something from me; a video of some type of pornography. I wanted to kiss him goodbye but he was trying not to do that. And when we hugged goodbye by the side of Mooreville Road (which is where I grew up and which in the dream had a lot more flat empty surface than in reality) our bodies were the same height, and it was like we could (or I could) feel both our bodies completely pressed together, like seeing an illustration of our insides – but not an accurate portrait, a kind of double image surrealism which showed me fire, blood, desire and passion – our circulatory systems lit up in a stunning animated painting.
“Story of a Bad Boy” is a 1999 American independent coming-of-age coming-out LGBTQ+ romantic dramedy film written and directed by award winning American playwright Tom Donaghy (“The Dad Shuttle”). The film stars Jeremy Hollingworth, Christian Camargo (“Penny Dreadful”, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”), Julie Kavner (“The Simpsons”), Stephen Lang (“Last Exit to Brooklyn”, “Tombstone”, “Save Me”), Lauren Ward (“In & Out”, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”, “Torchwood”), Cherelle Cargill (“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”, “Sex and the City”, “Jessica Jones”), Bill Velin (“Wonder Boys”), Anthony Gestone (“Just One Time”) & Anil Kumar (“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”, “Oz”, “Six Feet Under”, “Nip/Tuck”, “Revenge”, “Shameless”). It premiered at the Frameline Film Festival in 1999 but didn’t receive a commercial release until 2001, when it arrived in Germany.
I’d previously seen Tom Donaghy’s “The Dad Shuttle” several times, but I was unaware of this piece by the same creator. The story follows Pauley (Jeremy Hollingworth), who continuously follows his erotic interests, which change constantly throughout the film, giving the movie an indecisive, random quality that was unusual and charming, if not wholly satisfying. I couldn’t remember purchasing this film, or that it even existed when I stumbled upon it while looking for something in my collection to entertain me for an afternoon, which it did. Some of the performances are quite good, including Hollingworth, which is why I was a bit disappointed to learn that he didn’t appear in much beyond this movie. Pauley has a girlfriend, Lauren Ward’s as Ludmilla, whom he kisses a lot. But he also pursues his student teacher Noel (Christian Camargo) jerks off with another friend and kisses a nun. Pauley is daring, reckless, young and nearly fearless…which may or may not lead to a tragic ending, which is left to the audience’s interpretation, as it should be. One of the plot points concerns a tacky musical version of The Scarlet Letter, titled “A”. This probably amused me more than most, as days after moving to New York in September of 2012, I saw a musical version of The Scarlet Letter titles “A is For Adultery”, where I met several people who I remain friends with to this day.
The final moments of the film, which again, are open to interpretation, haunted me a bit, and left me feeling a lot. But given the open nature of it all, your mileage may vary, and likely will. I liked it. This isn’t a great movie but it’s fun and it feels like an exciting find as again, I’d never heard of it before (that I can remember) and this is just what I was looking for today.
Tuesday’s VisionQuest episode, S01E07 “Immolation” was interesting, if not wholly satisfying. The finale will arrive 3 nights from now, and I’ll be better able to judge the series overall at that point. It’s doing all the things I wanted, and it’s giving me more than I expected, yet it reuses so much of the older footage, which I have memorized that it’s hard to not feel slightly cheated. It’s probably a lot better for someone who doesn’t keep this stuff in their brains constantly. lol It’s very good, but it’s my least favorite bit of the trilogy so far. I prefer “Agatha All Along”, then “WandaVision”, then “VisionQuest”. But perhaps the ending will change that? I doubt it. But this isn’t bad. I just don’t love it the way I did the others. I worked on several projects on Wednesday but didn’t get anything done.
Thursday I had therapy in person after non having seen my therapist in 2 weeks. The trip downtown was pleasant, and seeing Anna in person is always nice, but it was extra special this time as I was able to show her one of the engagement videos from Halloween. The appointment went well overall. On my way home I stopped at Quest Diagnostics to pick up some equipment for a test that I’m having done – and that trip took a bit longer than I expected, and it was raining, and I was unexpectedly exhausted when I got home. I just relaxed. Aaron and I watched another Strange New Worlds episode (S04E09 “Once La’An a Time”), which I had been warned about and assumed I would hate – but I didn’t. It wasn’t a great episode, and I think if I had gone in blind I would have been much more judgmental, but given some of the shit this show had pulled in recent installments, this was far from the worst.
Friday I went with Aaron to one of his treatments. I’d slept well the night before (and most of this week) but I was very tired and worried I wouldn’t wake up enough to drive us home – but I did. It was my first time driving in New York in the rain, which was challenging at times, but I got us home. We relaxed for much of the day. That night we finished Season 4 of Strange New Worlds. both of us feeling that the finale (S04E10 “Tomorrow’s Enterprise”) was quite good, and a bit disappointed that the series isn’t more often like this. But we also both feel a bit more hopeful about next year’s 6 episode Season 5, which will end the series and this era of Trek overall.
I slept well again last night. We cuddled this morning, as we try to do most mornings. We’ve been working on different things in different parts of the apartment today, but we pass each other and share a kiss, or a hug, some affection. I was thinking of Aaron Kogut earlier, as I sometimes do. I think about a lot of people but usually don’t reach out. Partially because I feel like I think about others way more than they think about me…and partially because I don’t always have the energy to do so. I spoke to my grandmother today. I still haven’t heard from my step-father. Today would have been my mother’s 76th birthday. She died on July 12, 2021. I miss her, but I feel like we parted on very good terms, which could easily have not been the case, given our often volatile history, so I’ll always be grateful for that.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Promise to Try” by American singer and songwriter Madonna, from her 1989 fourth studio album, “Like a Prayer”.
Friday, October 30. I stayed in. Only leaving the apartment to check about an order which was apparently stolen from our lobby. That happens a lot here. We have Amazon Lockers where items can be placed securely – and we always get things when they’re left there, but if they’re just left in the lobby, they are often stolen, very quickly after arriving. It’s obnoxious. Anyways, I spent the night dancing for hours in my apartment, mostly to Imael Angel’s Extended Mix of “Bad Times”, which was fun, funny, and very me. lol
On Saturday, October 31…on Halloween of 2026 I took the 1 train from 181st Street down to Christopher Street, which is about 18 stops I think. The train was on time and everyone was polite but the train was very crowded due to the holiday. There’s a big Halloween parade in the city but I’d never been to it before. When I got off the train I had to navigate barriers and such, though the streets were mostly clear as it was only about 4pm. I was on my way to the Stonewall Inn to see Aaron perform in a cabaret show with the Stonewall Chorale. They sold raffle tickets and Aaron asked if I could pick the winners for him on stage to which I agreed. The show was fun. As was the raffle. But that wasn’t actually why I was brought on stage. After 15 years together, Aaron proposed to me on Halloween on Christopher Street. He explained that this location was significant because when I was 17, I first cut myself in March of 1992, and I met a woman in the emergency room, who clearly recognized that I was gay and while my family wasn’t speaking to me that night, this stranger told me that someday I would play pool on Christopher Street and that I would find my people. I later understood what she meant, and eventually did play pool on Christopher Street at the Stonewall Inn back in April of 2012.
April 18, 2012.April 18, 2012.April 18, 2012.
I said yes, of course. I had long ago come to the conclusion that Aaron and I would never marry and had come to terms with that informed decision based on my disability, as I’d come to realize that in the end marriage didn’t really matter. We’d stood the test of time, staying happily together through good times and bad. Everyone treated us like we were married, with many people introducing me as Aaron’s husband, but I usually corrected them. It’s not that I felt we were less than a couple that were married; it just didn’t seem accurate to me. I felt we’d forged our own path and I was content. But I now have something I never thought that I would. A fiance. Technically, I’ve been engaged before. Two men have previously asked me to marry them and one of them even gave me a ring – but both of these men quickly betrayed me and honestly, neither of those relationships felt real; I mean, we were dating, but it never felt right that we ere engaged – it felt like a lie. This is different. It feels odd, because it’s quite a change, yet looking back on our relationship, it doesn’t seem like that much of a change at all. I don’t need to be married, not the way that I thought I did years ago, but it’s nice. I love Aaron and everyone knows it. And so we will have a celebration of that love, and that’s what matters I think.
The audience was mostly made up of people that either knew us through the choir, or friends and family of the choir who had at least met us in passing. Many of them, I later learned, were well aware that this was going to happen. Aaron had also gotten my grandmother’s permission and spoke to my sister Janice and my cousin Katie, both of whom I speak to on a daily basis.
After all of that we struggled to get to another show, Heartbeat Opera’s delightful Queeny Todd: The Demon Bottom of Fleet Street, but with all that Halloween traffic, it took us over an hour traverse the relatively short distance (about 7 blocks). The parade route made everything take longer and it was honestly somewhat nightmarish, but I was in such shock that I could barely comprehend what was happening. And being over an hour late for the show, missing the first half, it was very difficult for me to focus on what was happening on stage, despite being in the front row (as I was gifted a VIP ticket by the executive director, a close friend of ours). The show was extremely entertaining and I’m still a bit sad that I wasn’t able to see the entire thing, but even as I thought the night was ending on a slightly disappointing / disconnected note, the creative director announced our engagement from the stage and we were given a standing ovation and many people stopped us to congratulate us. It was really lovely. I was exhausted; I hadn’t eaten anything since about noon and I was still fighting through a series of cluster migraines, but I was able to have fun and it was all very memorable. I generally don’t enjoy surprises at all. I find them almost painful, honestly, but because I knew all these people (or most of them) and I knew that they would be there, that helped make it less intense for me. I was overwhelmed, I was in shock, but I was already prepared to have a good time with people I knew. It was easier than some surprises in the past have been, for which I’m very grateful. And also very grateful to be surrounded by so much love and support. Growing up, I would have expected a very different response.
On Sunday we finally watched another Strange New Worlds episode, Season 4, Episode 8, “Orders of Magnitude”, which was actually quite good. We’ve both struggled with this series in the last couple of seasons, and this one has felt like a really bad patch, but there have been a few good ones as well. We have 2 more left in this season and then there will be a 6 episode final season released at some point next year. If it can end well, that would be a relief. And I do still look forward to someday binging the series when it’s done. I’ve never rewatched any of Seasons 3 or 4, and I’ve not re-watched seasons 1-2 since 3 began.
On Monday I ran some errands, but the migraines continued. I mostly stayed in the dark trying not to take painkiller. I take painkiller all the time and have done for years. I know it’s bad for me, but this is what the alternative is like and I did eventually take some – but I’m trying to take better care of myself. I just don’t know what to do when the pain is so debilitating, but the medication may harm me as well? It was in the mid 60s outside and sort of perfect, and that bit was nice.
I went to bed relatively early – but unexpectedly, woke up with acid reflux. I had forgotten to take my medication until late, due to being distracted by what I had considered an emergency (until I calmed down) and I was now paying the price. Ugh. At least I was able to finally write about all that has happened! lol 🙂
The penultimate episode of VisionQuest will be released tonight (11-30-26). I’ve heard mixed reactions to this one, though I’ve heard that next week’s finale is a banger. I look forward to seeing both.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from the extended version of “Bad Times”, which I am now learning is a deep house song generated with artificial intelligence (AI) and credited to UK-based Hungarian therapist Bernadett Gango, whose stage name is Imael Angel. The song was self-released on 30 March 2026. Damn. I can’t be upset about it, because I already love it.
In my dream, my secret fantasy, it is 2009, you and I are a couple.
I relive the past but I edit the details.
I know that you’re disloyal; I know that you consistently violate our rules on exclusivity… but I never tell you that I know and so our relationship never ends.
Your bad behavior; your lies turn me on to a degree that the truth would never allow.
I want you to lie. I need you to lie. But I also need to know that you’re doing it, or there is no pleasure for me.
In the actual past I didn’t quite understand this about myself and so I was hurt, aroused and hurting (and very confused as a result), but to be fair, in reality, I needed to protect myself.
In the dream there is no threat of disease and no hurt feelings, and when I beat off I don’t worry about any of that as a result.
In the dream I lie to you too. I manipulate you. I make sure that you have the time and space and all that is required to allow you your eroticised deceptions.
But it’s your choice to lie and your choice to be unfaithful, and knowing that you’ve made this choice excites me.
I give you housewarming gifts, a pair of clocks, or maybe stuffed animals, for the bedroom and the livingroom which feature hidden cameras.
I watch you cheat on me while I masturbate.
Sometimes you tell your other men about me: “You suck me so much better than my boyfriend.”
Sometimes, in other dreams, you fuck friends of mine – both of you thinking you’re getting away with something while also thinking that I’m completely clueless.
So hot.
“Your ass is so tight. Jason makes me wear a condom when I fuck him.”
Anytime you say my name to them my cock throbs in my hand.
Sometimes you lie to them, telling them that I have a small dick, that I can’t hold an erection or that I cum prematurely… and I never let you finish inside me.
You tell them you love me but that I simply don’t enjoy sex and can’t satisfy you.
Your men work hard to give you the intercourse you tell them you’ve been denied – but you have lied to all of us.
You actually fuck me constantly, which is why at the time, I never suspected you might be cheating on me.
I think about this now, and wonder why I get off on these fantasies of you, but I’m too turned on now and I can’t stop.
Sometimes, in the dreams, I text you and I watch you respond on the camera while your bareback slut, desperate for your attention, rides your thick dick, loving the feel of the big mushroom head slipping in and out of his abused holes exactly the same way that I once did.
“I love you” you type before you set the phone down to violently fuck your whore.
I cum after you shoot in his ass, while he’s sucking you clean.
I text you back.
“I love you too.”
You show him the phone as you both laugh.
Written by Jason Wright October 31, 2026
For Michael, so that he understands.
For Andy, Charlie, Cotay & Nick: because this explains so much of why I understand, at least my side of things.
Aaron and I voted early yesterday afternoon. October 28, 2026. We also watched another TNG episode, with S03E13 “Deja Q”. I went to bed early, falling asleep around 11, but I woke up at 3am (October 29, 2026) and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I got up and worked on my website for a minor update but accidentally deleted all my menus! So that was a stressful time consumer. After that I knew I wasn’t getting back to sleep. I took half a Xanax, shaved and showered, then cuddled with Aaron for about 40 minutes before we got up for his appointment, which went smoothly. I drove us home again, which I handled well despite there being a detour. I spoke to Mollie Baker, briefly on the phone, then tried to relax.
I took a nap. When I woke up I picked up my phone and immediately got a text from Jason Brooks. I had messaged him on Sunday to let him know that Walter Koenig had died – and that he and I are both now older than Patrick Stewart was when he filmed the Star Trek episodes that Aaron and I are watching. I thought that would get a laugh, or something – and this message seemed to be in response to that, only it didn’t really make sense. Fearing the worse, I looked online and sure enough, Patrick Stewart had died at the age of 86. I’ve been in a bit of shock ever since reading that, I think, because I haven’t spent a great deal of time speaking about Patrick Stewart and this week I have. It’s weird. Jarring. His final film will be “Avengers: Doomsday”, which Aaron and I already have tickets for. The film opens the same day as “Dune: Part 3”, which is another oddity, in that Patrick Stewart played the role of Gurney Halleck in David Lynch’s 1984 “Dune” film.
I don’t often cry when celebrities die. It’s not that I don’t care, but I don’t really know them, you know? I cried when George Michael died, which will be 10 years ago this Christmas. And a little while ago, in the shower, I shed tears for Sir Patrick Stewart. Godspeed Captain.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Look Away”, a non-album 2016 single by Eli Lieb and Steve Grand, who are both openly gay.
I went to bed relatively early last night. We needed to be up very early this morning for Aaron’s appointment – with no time to shave. I got some writing done, a new poem about Sean and a few more fragments. Missing him.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but Aaron and I watched some TNG this weekend. We’d been working on watching all of Star Trek in chronological order and had stalled for a bit. I knew he wanted to continue and I had to cancel some plans with him due to my disability – so we watched some TNG instead (S03E11 “The Hunted” & S03E12 “The High Ground”); after this point I know the series much better, having had access to / re-watching the rest of Season 3, Season 4 & Season 5, with much of Seasons 6 & 7 as well. Still, it’s been a long time, decades even since I’ve seen some of them and it should be fun.
Aaron had his show tonight, which I’ll likely see on Saturday. I stayed in and watched the 2 new VisionQuest episodes. I liked them overall, though this is the first week in which I was a bit frustrated with Vision’s reluctance to give Tommy information that he needs and is asking for, and near the end it seemed we were moving past that, until we weren’t. I have a theory about who the mysterious “client” is in the series, but I don’t want to say and possibly spoil it for anyone else. The series continues to have several surprises, some of which are great. The continuity mostly feels on point, but it also sometimes feels forced; like they’re checking off references on a score card or something. I usually love this stuff, so even my reaction to that seems odd. I am slightly worried about how the series might end given that there are only 2 episodes left, 1 a week – but the episodes are the longest of the season, so we essentially have a movie length’s worth of time to go. My hope is that Billy and Tommy and Vision are reunited at the end (with Vision closer to his previous iterations) and that they leave to find Wanda – with a set-up for either “Doomsday” and / or “Secret Wars”.
My head really hurts. Sometimes migraines creep up on me – and this one certainly has.
I need to take some pain killer and get ready for bed.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “We Exist” by Canadian indie rock band Arcade Fire from their 2013 fourth studio album, “Reflektor”. The song was described by Arcade Fire lead singer Win Butler as “about a gay kid talking to his dad” and coming out to his straight father. Introducing the song onstage, Butler also said that “the right to marry anyone you want is a human rights issue.” Andrew Garfield stars in the music video as a transgender woman, shaving her head and getting dressed. She then goes to a small-town local bar where she is harassed and assaulted by some bar patrons. She collapses and enters a “dream-like sequence”, where she dances accompanied by a group of male dancers in matching plaid half-shirts and jean shorts. In the final moments of the video, the protagonist walks through a portal to Arcade Fire’s Coachella concert, where she dances on stage.
Sean still alive with negative charge drawn and then nourished with the dawn of the moon… of Sean in the forest and then Sean in his room.
Bringing Sean home before giving him head, Singing of bones and forgiving the dead who imbibe from my screams and take form from my dread, who survive in my dreams though they can’t warm my bed… who want me with
I tried to get back to sleep Sunday morning (10-25-26). We like it cool when we sleep but in winter it can get very cold in our bedroom so I use a few blankets, always using this one that my mother crocheted for me. My mother died a little over 5 years ago, so it means a lot to me.
I took Aaron to his treatment. I get bored waiting for hours, but I’ve been enjoying the drive home. Driving into the city this time was…an experience. New Yorkers have this thing where the lanes on the roads seem to be only suggestions. It’s a little stressful, but not as bad as I expected it to be. Aaron says I’m his hero for going to these appointments with him and giving him the rides home as these are not activities that are easy for me. It’s nice that recognizes and acknowledges this. I need some days where I don’t need to worry about anything like this, really consecutive days, because I have to go to bed very early to be up in the morning for these things and I’m wearing a bit thin on that front. I just need to find a balance. I only have so much energy in a single day due to my disability, and I had been doing really well with exercise and I need time and space for that which has been lagging of late. I’ll try to work that out with Aaron.
I was worn out from that little trip. Like I said, I only have so much energy to spend and these appointments involve driving for an hour, then me sitting in a waiting room for about 2.5 / 3 hours, and then me driving us home. It’s a lot, even though I’m not very active during these sessions, but that’s part of my frustration. I watched quite a bit of television. I watched more SVU, started re-watching AHS (with “Freak Show”, due my new viewing order – I watched the first 1.5 episodes), and I also watched another Avatar episode (S01E09 “The Waterbending Scroll”). I went to bed early again last night because I needed to be up early today for my own appointment.
This morning, Monday, October 26, I caught the A train at 181st and took it down to Penn Station (34th). Exiting the subway my immediate view was of the distant Empire State Building, then I walked by Madison Square Garden. This new appointment was in the same building as my anal pap, but this was a totally different doctor. Today I finally saw an endocrinologist. It only took 3 or 4 years. lol I did try to get in sooner, but there are a whole series of unforeseen hurdles and unexpected delays. My doctor was nice and informative and so now I have another member of my care team, which is extensive, for which I’m grateful.
When I got home, I ate. I had egg whites + a blueberry zucchini smoothie. I changed my clothes. I started a new poem when I was a the doctor’s office, which I finished. Then I went for a walk, stopping by to see Aaron visiting with his former coworker, said hi, then I was off to the park.
I showered when I got home. I had walked my usual 2 miles, plus today’s appointment, and I’d eaten well. I felt good. I relaxed with some Zelda (BOTW). Then decided I’d post this.
Oh! The nurse at the doctor’s office asked me if I was in the fashion industry, and when I went to the park, a woman stopped me to tell me how much she loved my pants. That was nice.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “lovely.” by queer synth pop artist and producer Gregory Dillon, from his 2020 EP “Sad Magic”. I’ve curated a large collection of LGBTQ+ inclusive / themed music and I stumbled on Dillon’s work a few years ago. I love this song.
