It took me awhile to fall asleep last night, between 11pm & 12am I think. I slept well but woke around 5am. I knew immediately that I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. I got up, had a smoothie and worked on my webpage. I got all the LGBTQ+ reviews linked to the index, which is all the movies I watched in 2024 with a few extras. I have hundreds more to bring to the site but at least all the ones here will be easier to find now. I also had some fun ideas for the index which I’ll attempt to implement later. I updated the Arrow Season 1 page a bit, adding comic covers for 3 of the issues.
And while the news I got from the doctor yesterday was not great, I have remained calm and based on his theories, I’ve implemented changes to my treatment that so far are going well. It’s all a bit awkward and strange for me, but I’ve been flexible about a lot of central issues in my life of late, and I’ve been all the better for it. So I guess I’m trying to attempt that sort of adaptability in other areas of my life, and seeing some positive signs of improvement. At the very least, trying to be more resilient in my responses has not seemed to have any negative side effects, and that’s something!
I took a brief shower. The downstairs neighbors swear there is a leak so I’m trying to be supportive of their needs, but I do need to shower at least once or twice a day, depending on my activity. I only used a fraction of the water that I usually use though. For me, showering is usually a very relaxing experience, which I cherish. I let the water wash over me and I just think about a million different things. It’s like therapy. But I’m not doing that now. They were going to come try to fix this on Wednesday, but now they can’t. I told them I was available today, a bit on Thursday and Friday but I haven’t heard back from them, so I’m not sure what’s going on.
I feel very relaxed. I might be able to get back to sleep now.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Shooting Stars” by Australian electronic music duo Bag Raiders. They were founded in 2006 by Jack Glass and Chris Stracey. They play keyboards, drums, and act as vocalists, producers, and remixers, with Stracey additionally playing guitar, violin and piano. They also write and produce other artists’ work. In 2009, they were rated at number 11 on the Inthemix poll of Australia’s top 50 DJs. The song was originally featured on the band’s EP, Turbo Love, which released on October 8, 2008. The band signed with Modular Recordings in June 2009 and “Shooting Stars” was released in August 2009. The song peaked at number 62 on the ARIA charts and was voted number 18 in the Triple J Hottest 100, 2009. In 2025, it placed 46 in the Triple J Hottest 100 of Australian Songs. The song was certified platinum in Australia in 2021. The song is sung by Rhys Taylor. In 2015, the song was listed at number 29 in In the Mix’s ‘100 Greatest Australian Dance Tracks of All Time’ with Dave Ruby Howe saying “[it] was a bright, euphoric tonic … with an instantly-classic chorus”.
When I weighed myself this morning I had lost more weight again: I’m not 185.8 lbs. It’s strange. For a couple of weeks I hovered around 190 lbs, but now it’s going better. I’m not sure why I stayed in that range for longer – I don’t think my diet or activity levels has been changed much. It’s a mystery to me.
I did have the rest of those broccoli tots yesterday. They were yummy. I went to bed around 9:30pm and I’m getting ready to go to bed soon now.
Today I had a doctor’s appointment where I got some news that I didn’t want to hear. It’s not bad news exactly. Indeed, I’m sure some people would have celebrated the feedback, but I found it frustrating. I wanted to just take some medication and be okay. But this could portend a larger life problem, which I’m going to have to grapple with. I’m still following my doctor’s advice and I’m so grateful that I live in a place where I have access to medical care – and I hop that doesn’t go away.
I took the train to the clinic because I was running late – which was perfect, in that I arrived exactly on time. But I walked home, getting some exercise, stopping at Starbucks for my tea, and the grocery store for some more pita bread. I drank the former as I walked and that ate some of latter when I got home, with lettuce, hummus and some light Italian salad dressing, which was lovely.
I finished Season 2 of X-Men ’97. I haven’t felt like watching movies or TV lately, so it took me a few days. I enjoyed it but I found the ending a little anticlimactic. I’m sure I would have enjoyed it more if I’d binged the whole season.
I also connected more LGBTQ+ movie reviews to my index here, so they’ll be easier to access in future. The website continues to evolve and grow and that’s nice.
I’m so tired. I’m sure I’ll pass out relatively soon.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Sleep” by American rock band The Dandy Warhols, from their third album, “Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia”, released on June 12, 2000, through record label Capitol.
Yesterday was rough. Aaron left that morning. I stayed up for a grocery delivery but then slept for 4 hours. I have some health stuff that is really not fun, which I’m not up to sharing at the moment. This place is really therapeutic for me but there’s a level of mistrust for those who might be reading it which I’m not sure how to get over. My original website had a comment section, and tons of ways to contact me, but I was far more naive then and I dread such contact now, even as I display so much of myself here. I know from statistics that a lot more people come here than I ever expected, but I don’t know who they are or what their interest is. Perhaps I should try to change that? But for now, there’s so much work to do that it’s not a priority.
I woke up in a haze, and I had messages from my cousin Joy and my friend Isaiah. I took the time to respond and showered and shaved. I was feeling down about several things and when I got out of the shower I could hear my downstairs neighbors shouting about a leak in their apartment. The super has seen this leak which he equated to a tiny little drop of water, but I’m not sure why this leak wouldn’t happen every time we shower if that was the cause – or why the leak stopped for years and has returned. There’s a lot of questions. But maybe this will lead us to some kind of answer. The super didn’t seem worried about it too much – and he was also clearly upset at being dragged into this on a Saturday, when he’d been taking a nap.
I walked to Starbucks for some tea, but really just to get outside and walk off some of what I was feeling. I also took a Xanax. I don’t take it often, but when I need it I’m glad that I have it. I spoke to Aaron & Bernard about what happened while I walked. That helped. When I got home I had a relatively long chat with Paul Dunn, an old acquaintance of mine, who hooked up with me around January 2001. The conversation was welcomed, friendly and illuminating. But I wanted to try to sleep, so I said goodnight. I chopped up some zucchini to freeze for my smoothies, using the last of the already prepared vegetable to make a cherry zucchini smoothie. I usually have coffee in my smoothies but I skipped it to help with the sleep. I had hoped to get some cleaning done, but yesterday wasn’t the day for it and if I started then I’m sure I’d have been up all night. I also wanted to work on several viewing guides.
I haven’t watched any television the last week. I have quite a lot to watch, or that I want to watch, and I might try to get to those this week as well.
I went to bed that night with some Nyquil, due to some throat irritation from my gastroparesis. I didn’t expect to sleep more than a few hours. I mean, I’ve been on sleeping medication for months and I’ve struggled sleep 6 hours, but I slept 12 hours without trying – getting up 3 or 4 times to pee, thanks to the diuretics I’m also taking (for kidney stones).
I had a morning phone call with Aaron and Bernard who were on their way from Virginia to Florida. I let Aaron know that I’d just read that tickets for Avengers: Endgame Encore are rumored to go on sale tomorrow. Then I had a smoothie and decided to work on a guide to Anne Rice’s Immortal Universe, which went well. I worked on it for hours, which was lovely.
When I took a break, a package meant for Florida arrived here and I called Aaron to let him know and to check in. I realized I was hungry and decided it was time to eat, but first I weighed myself. 186.4 pounds. Wow. That’s the least I’ve weighed in years. And I’m much closer to my goal of 170 pounds than I thought I would be at this point, so that’s great news. In 5 months I’ve lost 24.6 pounds. No diet pills. No starving myself. Just eating smarter and being a little more active. That amazes me. Which is probably obvious since I talk about it all the time now. lol
I think I’m going to have the last of those broccoli cheese tots. I really liked them.
Oh! And a big Happy Birthday to my sister Janice Jeffrey and our father David Wright! <3 I should be seeing them in a little over a week. But these pictures are from a few months ago, when I saw them in June.
Today’s journal title song quote is from “Underneath” by openly gay American singer Adam Lambert, from his second studio album, “Trespassing”, which was released on May 15, 2012. The album debuted at number one on the Billboard 200, selling 77,000 copies in its first week, making Lambert the first openly gay artist to do so in history.
I slept about 6 hours but I tossed and turned, waking up in a very uncomfortable position. My back hurt a little. When I was a kid I slept on the floor and didn’t sleep in a bed until I was around 10? When I would sleep on the floor I’d roll in my sleep, waking in a very different place than when I fell asleep. It’s the same now at times in bed, only I don’t roll out of the bed, thankfully. lol
When I got up around noon, after stretching and responding to some texts, I weighed myself again. 189lbs. I was a bit surprised by that. I was 189.4 yesterday, but I expected to weigh a bit more today. People, I’ve learned this year, gain and lose a few pounds most days and I figured that yesterday’s reading was me at my lower end of that scale, but apparently not. Hopefully this trend continues. I want my PCP to be shocked at my results next month. lol And then I plan on switching doctors. I’m still pissed about how my results were fucked up back in June and the tailspin that I very narrowly avoided.
I had a blueberry zucchini smoothie for breakfast. Later I tried some broccoli cheese tots, which I enjoyed. I worked on my website, starting a DC Multiverse page – which is in a very early stage. My friend, Michael Anderson, who often consults me for viewing orders recently asked for my Arrow Multiverse order. I gave him what I had finished, which he said was perfect. I have it saved as a Google Spreadsheet, but now I’ve started converting that information to be displayed here. But I want to do something beyond the Arrowverse. I mean, the Arrowverse interacts with the DC Extended Universe (in their adaptation of “Crisis on Infinite Earths”), which clearly ties into the current DC Universe. So I’ll try to break it all down here.
After working on that for several hours I shaved and I showered. I was thinking of my mom again, so wore the elephant key chain she gave me out to get more unsweetened black iced tea. It helps me feel closer to her. When I got back some repairmen came by to fix our washer / dryer – which seems to have been an easy fix actually, so that’s nice – if that’s what was the problem. Aaron is getting ready and packing. He’s leaving tomorrow morning with Bernard, heading to Florida for a week before he & Bernie drive to Michigan on the 30th. I’ll be flying to Michigan that day to meet them, and we’ll be out of New York until September 9. I shouldn’t have to travel again until Thanksgiving (Florida) and then Christmas (Michigan again). Anyways, I’m bummed that Aaron will be gone. I don’t mind being on my own and I do cherish my alone time during the day, but it’s different when Aaron is gone for days at a time. I don’t freak out or anything – but it’s difficult to sleep when his side of the bed is empty. It feels wrong. I’m sure lots of couples can relate.
I just had a cherry zucchini smoothie. I may have some pita bread later with lettuce, or possibly an egg white wrap with olives and hummus, or possibly both, depending on how long I’m awake. I feel tired now, but I’ve had trouble getting to bed this early for at least a week so it seems unlikely that I’ll just fall into bed anytime soon.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Where Is My Man”, a song from 1983 by the American singer and actress Eartha Kitt, which appeared on her 1984 album I Love Men. The song was co-written by openly gay comedy writer Bruce Vilanch along with musicians and producers Fred Zarr and the also openly gay Jacques Morali. As far as I know I’d never heard this song until earlier this year. I love it.
Tuesday (08-18-26) afternoon, Aaron walked over to Columbia Hospital with me to see if I could get an appointment on the books (or even be seen that day); he’d tried to call to make this appointment but was transferred 3 or 4 times before he gave up. The walk was nice for me, and the company was excellent, but Aaron wasn’t feeling well. He apologised profusely for “slowing me down”, but I was outside with him to be with him, and I was quite content. We made it to the hospital and the people that helped us at the clinic were lovely. I’ve been to that hospital a few times over the years, but I’d never been to that clinic so they took some information. The guy who was checking my information, kept looking at me, then my information, and back at me. I didn’t understand what was happening, because I’m totally clueless, but Aaron knew right away and assured him that I am actually 52 years old. lol We all laughed. I have an appointment on Monday, though I’m not sure how helpful that will be – my symptoms could be gone by then. Still, I like this clinic and if this gets me in the door faster next time – and I suspect they’ll be able to give me some good advice, so I will still probably go.
Aaron still wasn’t feeling well. He had tried a new type of food that possibly had too much bread, which can cause issues with his lap band, so I suggested taking the A Train from 168 to 181st, and then I could stop at the grocery store there to get some more pita bread for myself.
We chilled during the afternoon. My stomach was feeling a bit wonky as well, which is totally normal for me, but we had plans to go see our friend Christian’s show at Joe’s Pub. My stomach was actually really bad, because I’d forgotten about the show and eaten more than I should have. It was all healthy food, but even healthy food is too much if I’m going to be out and about. Still, I decided to push through. I don’t often get to have these nights out with Aaron these days, and I don’t get to see Christian often. Plus Bernard would be performing, along with Tony Mowatt, who I hadn’t seen in years, so I got ready and off we went…
The show was a fun mix of Christian’s music. His work is really quirky, but also very heartfelt and personal – and it shows. I love the space, Joe’s Pub, because I’ve had so many fun experiences there over the years. I believe we’ve been going there since 2013? So a long time now. We’ve seen Jay Brannan (from “Shortbus“) perform there 3 or 4 times. We’ve seen Christian there at least twice – and I know he’s had more shows there, but I’m not always able to attend. Actually, I think this was the third time I’d seen him there. I think the first time we were there was to see Ryan Amador. Physically, it was rough for me, but it was worth it in the end. And seeing Christian afterward, who didn’t know I was there, was really lovely. Tony as well, who told me that I never age. I didn’t get to talk to him much, but he was fantastic. He played a guitar during one number and, I hadn’t known he played, but Aaron said that he plays something like 5 different instruments? Impressive.
Aaron’s former coworker Shawn Jeffery was there also and we had a brief conversation which felt…it felt like she had some anger that I had never noticed or suspected before, and it felt like she was expressing this the first time because she doesn’t work with Aaron now. This interaction felt hostile, but Aaron said that she’s awkward at times and that I may have misinterpreted the situation – which I hope I did, because I’ve always liked her as a person. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever see her again to find out, but whatever the case, I wish her well. Another of Aaron’s former employees, Nicole was there; I know she works with Christian now so I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. A nice surprise. I spoke to Vincent “Vinnie” Rutter-Covatto briefly and I traded texts with Glenn Seven Allen, who was busy with another show so couldn’t attend. Joseph Reese Anderson wasn’t there either, which was a bit surprising – too bad, because he’s awesome. There were lots of people there that I recognized that I’d have trouble putting a name too, but it’s a wonder that I remember as many as I do, really. I actually think I’ve improved in that arena. lol
On Wednesday, August 19, Aaron and I were planning on attending our second Zumba Class, but we still weren’t feeling too great. We mutually decided to not go, but I knew I at least wanted to go for a walk so I got ready to do that, and I caught my second wind and decided I would in fact attempt to go – though Aaron still didn’t feel like going. I made it to the class early and had another great experience. My stomach was not doing great so I only worked out for 50 minutes, versus 60, but I knew I was at my limit and that I also had to walk home, which is about 10 blocks, much of it uphill. I feel like it was worth it.
Today, August 20, I slept in. If you can call it that. I went to bed at 4am. I slept about 5 hours. I’m really struggling with sleep lately. But part of that has to do with my stomach and part of it has to do with my struggle with sleeping pills. I’m trying not to take them, but even when I do they don’t help much. When I did get up, I weighed myself for the first time in days and I was 189.4 pounds. That seems to be where I live now. Between 189 & 192. I got ready and went for a walk, finally wearing the shirt I got at Rocky Horror, back on July 3.
When I got to the subway my card was denied. That was a bit worrisome because that’s the card with my discount on it – and the card I will need to enter the Sky Club at the airport when I travel to Michigan in a little over a week from now. I used another one though and just managed to catch the train.
Fort Tryon Park was beautiful as always, but with the overcast sky and far more browned, fallen leaves than I expected, it really did feel like the onset of autumn, despite the warm weather. I walked over to Lindon Terrace, had some water, then started heading home. All in all this walk was about 1.5 miles. Not much in the grand scheme of things, but comfortable, and not pushing too hard with my stomach being bad – and on and off rain. I had an umbrella, but didn’t need it. It started pouring after I got home though.
I worked on my website for several hours, mostly on the Velgarth Reading Order, as I’ve been reading a bit of that before bed each night. There was a time when I’d read more of the series than I hadn’t, but no longer. There are now at least 20 full novels that I’ve never read and at least 10 anthologies, so I’m really far behind. Who know if I’ll ever catch up?
I took a shower when I got home, before the website work. I also wrote a poem and wrote down fragments of another, neither of which have been posted here yet. Later I took a restful nap. I’m winding down a bit now and may get ready for bed. I’m not certain I’ll sleep, but I could probably get some reading done. We’ll see.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Somebody That I Used to Know”, an addictive single from Australian singer-songwriter Gotye, featuring vocals from the New Zealand singer Kimbra. Commercially, “Somebody That I Used to Know” was a global success and became both artists’ signature song.
The ways in which my diet has drastically changed in the last 5 months still astounds me, after smaller changes in the last 2 years. I used to have an ice cream shake every day. Sometimes (often) more than one. This is understandable, given that my stomach is partially paralyzed (and has been since August 13, 2001) and, well, that kind of cold, sweet desert, is helpful in such situations for all kinds of reasons that I don’t need to go into here. But I really don’t miss it at all. The smoothies I have instead, even though they’re quite basic compared to most people’s (I suspect), are packed with servings of fruit and vegetables. They’re also delicious and depending on my mood, often feature coffee. This morning I had a smoothie which contained cherries and zucchini. A short while later I snacked on a slice of Dave’s Killer Thin Sliced Good Seed bread (buttered and sprinkled with chia seeds), half a kiwi, a few pumpkin seeds, 3 or 4 plantain chips, a small sampling of nuts (peanuts, pecans, almonds, pistachios & cashews), roasted seaweed snacks (Seaweed, Sunflower Oil, Sea Salt), some green olives + 2 or 3 blue corn chips. That last item, which is very rare for me these days, would have been a main course in the past when I basically survived on chips, chocolate / candy and Boost protein drinks – oh, and lots of pizza. This morning, I drank water with these snacks. I liked fruit and veggies before, but I’ve never eaten them in such abundance or so consistently.
Also, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is heavily tied to food, or the lack thereof. When I was a kid, I suffered horrible experiences and I stopped eating. I never again sat at the kitchen table with my family and had a meal with them. I was 4 or 5. When my step-father married my mother, not knowing what I had suffered, he insisted I eat with them and I refused. He told me I would eat with them or not at all. 3 weeks later he took me to McDonalds and I gladly wolfed down my fries there. My not eating was a silent cry for help, which nobody ever answered. And now I’m answering the call, for myself, for the child I was then, who is still very much alive inside of me. I’m doing much better at that now, but it is something I’ve been struggling to do for 20 years, realizing that I could feed him back in 2006, I did my best but there were a lot of failures along the way. I keep him in my thoughts and touch base with him, almost like he’s another person, because when I don’t, and that broken circuit connects at random, it can be so overwhelming. I used to black out and wake up other places, not knowing how I got there. I had a lot of memory loss. I used to self harm as a coping strategy, which I have mostly gotten rid of. I say mostly because the urge still sometimes returns, though I don’t actually remember the last time I cut myself. It used to be daily. When I moved to New York, the first goal I designated for myself with my new therapist was that I wanted to find other ways to cope. I’ve never liked the idea of removing cutting from the list of coping skills that I’ve acquired – because as damaging as it obviously is, it has also been effective at keeping me alive – but my goal was to find new ways to deal, so that cutting wasn’t my go-to-strategy. I wanted options. And I worked at it. And I found them. And those new skills became a kind of muscle memory that I do without even thinking about it most times. And the urge to cut is now so low on the list of things I can do that it seldom even enters my brain, for which I’m grateful. I’m proud of the work I’ve done on that over the years, and like the change in eating, it feels like something I’ve earned, so it’s very satisfying to see these changes bearing fruit – that I would probably put in a smoothie these days! lol
So after writing all that I wrote a new poem, which can hardly be a surprise. Which is actually a really good example of how I touch base with and assure Little Jason.
I worked on what will eventually be a Doctor Whoniverse order (featuring the various spin-offs and the Big Finish audios) but it’s got a long way to go, and I’m starting to yawn a lot, so I think I’m going to try to get that extra sleep in now.
This morning’s journal entry title song quote is from “In This Twilight” by Nine Inch Nails from the 2007 concept album “Year Zero”. I used to have lyrics from the song, which I found comforting and inspiring, on my bedroom ceiling.
I slept 6 hours. That’s pretty common lately. I go through phases throughout the year(s) where I sleep 8. Where I sleep in split shifts, 4 hours here and then 4 hours later. And then the 6 hour variety, where I wake up feeling very rested but will likely need a nap later. I can sometimes get back to sleep after 6 if the TV is off. Aaron needs to have something playing in the background when he sleeps and kindly listens to the TV via headphones and with the screen dimmed, but sometimes even then, that’s too much light, which can wake me up or keep me awake. But it is programmed to go off at a certain time and if I wake and get back to sleep with the TV off, I can sometimes manage a few more hours, only Aaron woke up too and restarted the TV cycle, so I got up. I’m not upset about this, because again, I feel good. I’m not even sure I could have gotten back to sleep had the room been completely dark.
I had odd dreams, which I no longer remember. I’ve kept a dream diary for the last couple of years, but I don’t think I’ve written anything down in it recently. Perhaps I’ll transcribe these dreams here at a later time? That would be interesting.
I stopped writing this to watch a YouTube reaction to “Donnie Darko”, as one does. lol That movie, along with “Life as a House” were the first 2 movies I rented when I started working at Hollywood Video in 2002. Yes. A video store. I’m so old. lol. Which amuses me. Anyways, I loved it. It was a new release. I actually loved both movies. But I’d never heard of “Donnie Darko”, and then I spent years telling everyone how great it was. I own the “Director’s Cut”, and while I think it’s interesting, I feel like the theatrical version is the better film. I used to own a “Donnie Darko” shirt and I also used to have themed artwork (fan art) on my bedroom walls – the Ann Arbor bedroom where I lived from summer 2000 – fall of 2011.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from the 1982 song “Mad World” by the English new wave band Tears for Fears. Written by Roland Orzabal and sung by bassist Curt Smith, it was the band’s third single release and first chart hit, reaching number three on the UK Singles Chart in November 1982. Both “Mad World” and its B-side, “Ideas as Opiates”, appeared on the band’s debut LP The Hurting (1983). This single was also the band’s first international success, reaching the top 40 in several countries in 1982–83. In the UK, it was the 12th best-selling single of 1982.
“Mad World” has since been covered by various artists, including a 2001 version recorded by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules for the soundtrack of the film “Donnie Darko”; a 2003 single release of the song reached number one in the UK for three consecutive weeks and won Orzabal his second Ivor Novello Award. A 2021 rendition of the song was included on Demi Lovato’s album “Dancing with the Devil… the Art of Starting Over”.
The “Donnie Darko” film also features “Head Over Heels” by Tears for Fears. Aside from the new film score and the score and new material, I already owned all of the music featured in the film, though I suspect a lot of people my age did. It probably helped me bond with the film though.
I’ve had series of rough days. I had some health stuff this weekend which I wasn’t expecting and this has left me pretty fatigued. I did manage a nice walk, at least a mile, on Sunday but otherwise I’ve not been outside. It’s been a bit grey anyways; it even rained during my walk for a bit on my way home
Staying in today I got plenty of work done on my website. I updated a lot of things. I created an LGBTQ+ Movie Review Index (which has barely anything on it yet) but that should help a lot. I also worked on several chronologies and updated that list with new links and suggestions. I uploaded 3 new NSFW Collages. I updated more poetry this weekend, but most of it was older.
I may start reading the Velgarth (Mercedes Lackey) books again – and that’s one of the chronologies I began today. I’ve tried several times in the last few years and will probably try several more times as well. There are so many volumes at this point that I’ve never read, and many that I only ever read once. Plus there are 2 new volumes coming out in the next few months.
I’m sleepy. I’m going to try to read a bit and will hopefully pass out soon.
Today’s journal title song quote is from “Futile Devices”, a song by openly gay American singer, songwriter, and multi-instrumentalist Sufjan Stevens. Originally a track from Stevens’ sixth studio album, The Age of Adz, remixes of the song were released in 2012 and 2017, respectively. It was also featured in the 2017 film Call Me by Your Name. I was already a fan when his music turned up in that film, but I hadn’t known he was gay, which I only heard later when his partner (sadly) died.
