In my dream, my secret fantasy, it is 2009, you and I are a couple.
I relive the past but I edit the details.
I know that you’re disloyal; I know that you consistently violate our rules on exclusivity… but I never tell you that I know and so our relationship never ends.
Your bad behavior; your lies turn me on to a degree that the truth would never allow.
I want you to lie. I need you to lie. But I also need to know that you’re doing it, or there is no pleasure for me.
In the actual past I didn’t quite understand this about myself and so I was hurt, aroused and hurting (and very confused as a result), but to be fair, in reality, I needed to protect myself.
In the dream there is no threat of disease and no hurt feelings, and when I beat off I don’t worry about any of that as a result.
In the dream I lie to you too. I manipulate you. I make sure that you have the time and space and all that is required to allow you your eroticised deceptions.
But it’s your choice to lie and your choice to be unfaithful, and knowing that you’ve made this choice excites me.
I give you housewarming gifts, a pair of clocks, or maybe stuffed animals, for the bedroom and the livingroom which feature hidden cameras.
I watch you cheat on me while I masturbate.
Sometimes you tell your other men about me: “You suck me so much better than my boyfriend.”
Sometimes, in other dreams, you fuck friends of mine – both of you thinking you’re getting away with something while also thinking that I’m completely clueless.
So hot.
“Your ass is so tight. Jason makes me wear a condom when I fuck him.”
Anytime you say my name to them my cock throbs in my hand.
Sometimes you lie to them, telling them that I have a small dick, that I can’t hold an erection or that I cum prematurely… and I never let you finish inside me.
You tell them you love me but that I simply don’t enjoy sex and can’t satisfy you.
Your men work hard to give you the intercourse you tell them you’ve been denied – but you have lied to all of us.
You actually fuck me constantly, which is why at the time, I never suspected you might be cheating on me.
I think about this now, and wonder why I get off on these fantasies of you, but I’m too turned on now and I can’t stop.
Sometimes, in the dreams, I text you and I watch you respond on the camera while your bareback slut, desperate for your attention, rides your thick dick, loving the feel of the big mushroom head slipping in and out of his abused holes exactly the same way that I once did.
“I love you” you type before you set the phone down to violently fuck your whore.
I cum after you shoot in his ass, while he’s sucking you clean.
I text you back.
“I love you too.”
You show him the phone as you both laugh.
Written by Jason Wright October 31, 2026
For Michael, so that he understands.
For Andy, Charlie, Cotay & Nick: because this explains so much of why I understand, at least my side of things.
Aaron and I voted early yesterday afternoon. October 28, 2026. We also watched another TNG episode, with S03E13 “Deja Q”. I went to bed early, falling asleep around 11, but I woke up at 3am (October 29, 2026) and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I got up and worked on my website for a minor update but accidentally deleted all my menus! So that was a stressful time consumer. After that I knew I wasn’t getting back to sleep. I took half a Xanax, shaved and showered, then cuddled with Aaron for about 40 minutes before we got up for his appointment, which went smoothly. I drove us home again, which I handled well despite there being a detour. I spoke to Mollie Baker, briefly on the phone, then tried to relax.
I took a nap. When I woke up I picked up my phone and immediately got a text from Jason Brooks. I had messaged him on Sunday to let him know that Walter Koenig had died – and that he and I are both now older than Patrick Stewart was when he filmed the Star Trek episodes that Aaron and I are watching. I thought that would get a laugh, or something – and this message seemed to be in response to that, only it didn’t really make sense. Fearing the worse, I looked online and sure enough, Patrick Stewart had died at the age of 86. I’ve been in a bit of shock ever since reading that, I think, because I haven’t spent a great deal of time speaking about Patrick Stewart and this week I have. It’s weird. Jarring. His final film will be “Avengers: Doomsday”, which Aaron and I already have tickets for. The film opens the same day as “Dune: Part 3”, which is another oddity, in that Patrick Stewart played the role of Gurney Halleck in David Lynch’s 1984 “Dune” film.
I don’t often cry when celebrities die. It’s not that I don’t care, but I don’t really know them, you know? I cried when George Michael died, which will be 10 years ago this Christmas. And a little while ago, in the shower, I shed tears for Sir Patrick Stewart. Godspeed Captain.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Look Away”, a non-album 2016 single by Eli Lieb and Steve Grand, who are both openly gay.
I went to bed relatively early last night. We needed to be up very early this morning for Aaron’s appointment – with no time to shave. I got some writing done, a new poem about Sean and a few more fragments. Missing him.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but Aaron and I watched some TNG this weekend. We’d been working on watching all of Star Trek in chronological order and had stalled for a bit. I knew he wanted to continue and I had to cancel some plans with him due to my disability – so we watched some TNG instead (S03E11 “The Hunted” & S03E12 “The High Ground”); after this point I know the series much better, having had access to / re-watching the rest of Season 3, Season 4 & Season 5, with much of Seasons 6 & 7 as well. Still, it’s been a long time, decades even since I’ve seen some of them and it should be fun.
Aaron had his show tonight, which I’ll likely see on Saturday. I stayed in and watched the 2 new VisionQuest episodes. I liked them overall, though this is the first week in which I was a bit frustrated with Vision’s reluctance to give Tommy information that he needs and is asking for, and near the end it seemed we were moving past that, until we weren’t. I have a theory about who the mysterious “client” is in the series, but I don’t want to say and possibly spoil it for anyone else. The series continues to have several surprises, some of which are great. The continuity mostly feels on point, but it also sometimes feels forced; like they’re checking off references on a score card or something. I usually love this stuff, so even my reaction to that seems odd. I am slightly worried about how the series might end given that there are only 2 episodes left, 1 a week – but the episodes are the longest of the season, so we essentially have a movie length’s worth of time to go. My hope is that Billy and Tommy and Vision are reunited at the end (with Vision closer to his previous iterations) and that they leave to find Wanda – with a set-up for either “Doomsday” and / or “Secret Wars”.
My head really hurts. Sometimes migraines creep up on me – and this one certainly has.
I need to take some pain killer and get ready for bed.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “We Exist” by Canadian indie rock band Arcade Fire from their 2013 fourth studio album, “Reflektor”. The song was described by Arcade Fire lead singer Win Butler as “about a gay kid talking to his dad” and coming out to his straight father. Introducing the song onstage, Butler also said that “the right to marry anyone you want is a human rights issue.” Andrew Garfield stars in the music video as a transgender woman, shaving her head and getting dressed. She then goes to a small-town local bar where she is harassed and assaulted by some bar patrons. She collapses and enters a “dream-like sequence”, where she dances accompanied by a group of male dancers in matching plaid half-shirts and jean shorts. In the final moments of the video, the protagonist walks through a portal to Arcade Fire’s Coachella concert, where she dances on stage.
Sean still alive with negative charge drawn and then nourished with the dawn of the moon… of Sean in the forest and then Sean in his room.
Bringing Sean home before giving him head, Singing of bones and forgiving the dead who imbibe from my screams and take form from my dread, who survive in my dreams though they can’t warm my bed… who want me with
I tried to get back to sleep Sunday morning (10-25-26). We like it cool when we sleep but in winter it can get very cold in our bedroom so I use a few blankets, always using this one that my mother crocheted for me. My mother died a little over 5 years ago, so it means a lot to me.
I took Aaron to his treatment. I get bored waiting for hours, but I’ve been enjoying the drive home. Driving into the city this time was…an experience. New Yorkers have this thing where the lanes on the roads seem to be only suggestions. It’s a little stressful, but not as bad as I expected it to be. Aaron says I’m his hero for going to these appointments with him and giving him the rides home as these are not activities that are easy for me. It’s nice that recognizes and acknowledges this. I need some days where I don’t need to worry about anything like this, really consecutive days, because I have to go to bed very early to be up in the morning for these things and I’m wearing a bit thin on that front. I just need to find a balance. I only have so much energy in a single day due to my disability, and I had been doing really well with exercise and I need time and space for that which has been lagging of late. I’ll try to work that out with Aaron.
I was worn out from that little trip. Like I said, I only have so much energy to spend and these appointments involve driving for an hour, then me sitting in a waiting room for about 2.5 / 3 hours, and then me driving us home. It’s a lot, even though I’m not very active during these sessions, but that’s part of my frustration. I watched quite a bit of television. I watched more SVU, started re-watching AHS (with “Freak Show”, due my new viewing order – I watched the first 1.5 episodes), and I also watched another Avatar episode (S01E09 “The Waterbending Scroll”). I went to bed early again last night because I needed to be up early today for my own appointment.
This morning, Monday, October 26, I caught the A train at 181st and took it down to Penn Station (34th). Exiting the subway my immediate view was of the distant Empire State Building, then I walked by Madison Square Garden. This new appointment was in the same building as my anal pap, but this was a totally different doctor. Today I finally saw an endocrinologist. It only took 3 or 4 years. lol I did try to get in sooner, but there are a whole series of unforeseen hurdles and unexpected delays. My doctor was nice and informative and so now I have another member of my care team, which is extensive, for which I’m grateful.
When I got home, I ate. I had egg whites + a blueberry zucchini smoothie. I changed my clothes. I started a new poem when I was a the doctor’s office, which I finished. Then I went for a walk, stopping by to see Aaron visiting with his former coworker, said hi, then I was off to the park.
I showered when I got home. I had walked my usual 2 miles, plus today’s appointment, and I’d eaten well. I felt good. I relaxed with some Zelda (BOTW). Then decided I’d post this.
Oh! The nurse at the doctor’s office asked me if I was in the fashion industry, and when I went to the park, a woman stopped me to tell me how much she loved my pants. That was nice.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “lovely.” by queer synth pop artist and producer Gregory Dillon, from his 2020 EP “Sad Magic”. I’ve curated a large collection of LGBTQ+ inclusive / themed music and I stumbled on Dillon’s work a few years ago. I love this song.
Aaron got me flowers on our anniversary Thursday. They’re very pretty. I really prefer to buy flowers for other people, but Aaron doesn’t like receiving flowers, so I never buy them anymore. When I lived in Michigan I would buy flowers for my mother and my maternal grandmother every year, and they loved them.
On Friday, 10-23-26, I felt a little down. So did Aaron. It was sunny outside which made it stranger, because I’m not usually like that when the sun is shining. I went for a brief walk to pick up some prescriptions and get some food. I started Season 2 of The Rings of Power but I fell asleep during the first episode. I started reading “Magic’s Promise” but I didn’t get far. I traded some texts with Jennifer and Felix about Marvel, and I had fun exchanges with Janice and Katie (about massive American Horror Story reveals). I also watched more of SVU Season 24; Season 28 is currently airing, which means I’ve never been this close to the current season, maybe I’ll be caught up by the end? I don’t know. I tend to take long breaks from the series.
I forgot to mention that I read character actor Richard Riehle died the other day, on October 15, 2026. He was often in things that I loved, having bit roles in “Ally McBeal” & “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, but really, in the last few years, I noted that he was in many LGBTQ+ films, such as “Fried Green Tomatoes”, “Prelude to a Kiss”, “Body of Evidence”, “River Made To Drown In”, “The Fluffer”, “The Laramie Project” & “Mysterious Skin”. It got to the point that when I would see him pop up in this or that thing, I always smiled, because it was like seeing an old friend, whom I didn’t actually know and had never met.
I went to bed early last night. We have plans this morning. But I woke up after 3, finding it difficult to breathe. I got up for a bit, which sometimes helps, but it didn’t. I’m sure it’s allergies; I’ve been sneezing (not coughing) for a few days. I did a nasal rinse, which helped a little, but my device seems to be messing up and I may need a new one. Then eventually I took some Sudafed and wrote this.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from the song “Gods & Monsters”, by American singer and songwriter, Elizabeth Woolridge Grant, known professionally as Lana Del Rey, from her third extended play, “Paradise” and the reissue of her second album “Born to Die”, “Born to Die: The Paradise Edition”. “Gods & Monsters” was released on November 9, 2012. The song was covered by Jessica Lange in an fourth season episode of American Horror Story (“Freak Show”), which is where I first heard it, despite not loving that iteration, as my favorite line (“looking to get fucked hard”) wasn’t featured – which felt weird to me, as the series is pretty extreme and the story features a one legged woman running a freak show carnival performing a song 60 years before its actual release, in a series that often feature lurid, graphic imagery and storylines…but that line was too much? It annoyed me, even if I liked that season more than any of those that followed. YMMV.
“The Trip” is a 2002 American romantic drama film directed by Miles Swain, which follows the love affair between a young gay rights activist and an initially closeted conservative. Openly gay actor Larry Sullivan plays the conservative, Alan Oakley, while Steve Braun plays the proud Tommy Ballenger. The film features trans actress Alexis Arquette, former Bond Girl, Jill St. John and a groovy soundtrack (featuring America, T Rex, Missing Persons, Ready for the World, Pointer Sisters and Bruce Springsteen), but unfortunately the tone of the film is extremely uneven; it just doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be. Tellingly, the film’s score (which is occasionally effective) contradicts what is happening on screen several times, which is jarring. Also, there are some really horrific wigs.
When I’m watching the movie, I enjoy most of it, but it’s always a bit frustrating. Having said that, I’ve now seen the movie 4 times so there must be something there. I initially watched it when it was a new release at the video store where I worked (between 2002 & 2008). In late 2011 or early 2012 I found myself haunted by something I remembered of the film and I rewatched it. Then I watched it again on March 28, 2020 – again, during the NYC Covid-19 lockdowns. It was the second queer film I watched during that time and then I watched over 800 more. But I didn’t write anything up about it then. So here I am again in October of 2026. Maybe that means I’ll watch it again in a few years?
The movie covers a span of about 11 years, between 1973 & 1984, which isn’t wholly believable, but is often fun, and then brutally horrifying, before a tacked on happy-ish ending, that doesn’t feel like it belongs with what came just before. If it sounds like I hate this movie, that’s not accurate. This is very close to being something good, or at least something better, but it’s not. And that’s a shame, because there’s a lot of potential here. And maybe that’s why I keep revisiting it.
Also, despite the movie only featuring the song for maybe 30 seconds, I can’t here the song “A Horse with No Name” by America, without thinking of this movie.
On Sunday, October 18, 2026, I marked the 25 year anniversary of the night that I met Sean Mobley. We eventually dated. He struggled with addiction for years, and eventually ended his life in December of 2021. We went for long intervals without contact, but when we did speak he often mentioned that of all the people he dated, that I was the kindest, and based on a smattering of stories he shared, I believed him. He had a lot of bad experiences; a lot of demons, and many horrible things happened to him in those last years. He wasn’t always the easiest person to communicate with, but I always cherished our time together and I miss him.
I tried to not get depressed or lost in past, which is one of my struggles. I tried to eat healthy food that day – and to be kind to myself, with some success at both.
On Monday, October 19, I went with Aaron to his therapy appointment. I’m getting more in the habit of this trip, the route we drive, the pace of the therapy and our trip home after when I drive. In fact, on this day I drove us all the way home, which was a first for me. I’ve never driven in Manhattan like this before, which went really well. I was lucky, because there was far less traffic than there often is, but I was also more skilled in dealing with the stuff that bothers me than I had thought possible, so that was nice.
That afternoon I decided I’d revisit some LGBTQ films I watched during the pandemic, a film project that at the time had kept me sane in lockdown and which grew into a viewing of several hundred queer films – and eventually, many film reviews, but not only didn’t I know that was something that would happen, in the beginning, I just wanted to watch movies and that’s all there was to it, so there are lots of entries that I never really wrote anything about. Now I can. So I re-watched the first entry that I originally watched on March 18, 2020, “Geography Club”, a 2013 adaptation of the 2003 young adult novel by queer American author Brent Hartinger…and I think even that description is more than I originally wrote about it. I’ll try to write the review later today.
I haven’t watched any more Avatar since the other day. I have watched the VisionQuest episodes as they’ve been released (with episodes 3 & 4 released on Tuesday 10-20-26) and I’m loving that. There are so many shows I’d like to get to, but I also don’t want to spend all of my time watching TV.
Speaking of October 20, that day I had a follow-up appointment with my new Primary Care Physician. Technically, I’ve been seeing him for years, but with a different doctor as my PCP, but the the guy I’ve been seeing, is great in many ways, but has failed me a few times now, in ways that have hurt my trust in him. I can always go back and see him in a pinch if I have to, but my new PCP is funny, gay, and most importantly, brilliant. He always asks me questions that the other doesn’t, and puts me on a path that feels productive, responsive and responsible. I feel good about this.
Yesterday, October 21, 2026, was easily the worst day I’ve had in a long time. Everything went wrong. Anything I tried to do, failed. I was planning on working on a photo project because I was going to have the apartment to myself, only Aaron didn’t leave. I love when Aaron is here, but I had specifically made plans based on what he’d told me, so that was disappointing. It wasn’t that big of a deal though. I decided I’d go for a walk, but the outfit I chose wasn’t warm enough; the forecast I’d seen had said it was going to be in the 70s, but it was in the high 50s. I returned home to get a jacket, but the jacket caught on something, injuring me, and spoiling the mood. Again, not a huge deal. I had plenty of things I needed to do on my website, so I changed, and got ready for an afternoon spent at my desk, but then the internet went out. Aaron asked if I’d like to go to his rehearsal that night and I thought about it and decided that I would, and that’s when the migraine kicked in. I took medication, and I ate, but none of it stayed down. I cancelled. I decided I’d stay in and relax and watch some television. I’ve been slowly working my way through Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for years, and when they crossover with other shows, I watch those episodes. The other day I’d finished Season 23 and had started Season 4, which began with a crossover between Organized Crime (Part 1), SVU (Part 2) and the original Law & Order (Part 3) – and I had watched the first 2, so I tried watched the third part, only that season is one that isn’t available on streaming. I tried just skipping to the next SVU, but it kept crashing. I’m not even listing everything. I didn’t cry. But I sometimes felt like crying. It was horrible. Before I slept I was able to keep some toast down, and by then it felt like a huge victory.
I slept well. I woke up early and had a smoothie, then went back to bed, finally finished reading “Magic’s Pawn”, then cuddled with Aaron for a few hours. Today, October 22, 2026, is our 15 year anniversary! He’s working today but we’re planning on doing something on Saturday. I’d like to go to the Brooklyn Boardwalk as I’ve never been there, but Aaron would like to Botanical Gardens. Perhaps we’ll do both? We’ll see. I look forward to reading “Magic’s Promise”, which is the last novel I need to reread before the new entry comes out in December, though there are a few short stories I should probably look back on. I’ll work that out later.
A week ago today, I got a Facebook message from Jeff Adkins, a friendly guy I hooked up with a little over 26 years ago. I do try to stay in touch with everyone I’ve ever dated / hooked up with, which I’m sure must seem weird to some people. It seems weird to me sometimes too, but coming of age during the AIDS crisis, we were encouraged to have contact information for anyone we had sex with, and that has stuck with me. Plus, I just genuinely like talking to people that I know intimately. Anyways, it was good to hear from him; he has a new book coming out that he’s written called “The F#ckboy Recovery Guide” which will be released next month. He wanted me to read it, which I was flattered by, but just like with several other friends who are authors, I had to let him know that I’m an extremely slow reader. I don’t think I conveyed (but should have) that I also have a hard time focusing on any one thing. I start lots of books, with the intention of finishing them, but then I see something shiny and off I go. It’s become far worse as I’ve aged. I would like to read his book. And I encourage others to check it out. Anyways – I figured I wrote about him back in the day, because that’s generally how it goes with me, and I had, so I ported that poem over to this site, and here it is.
I might try to port more poetry over today. I also want to get that review in and I have some other films I’d like to watch. I’m not sure if that will happen today. I’m really very hungry right now so I’ll try to eat and see how that goes, I guess.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Charlotte Sometimes” by English rock band The Cure, from the 2005 deluxe edition of their 1981 third studio album “Faith”. The title and lyrics were based on the 1969 children’s novel “Charlotte Sometimes” by the English writer Penelope Farmer. The Rough Guide to Cult Pop called the song “a goth masterpiece of doomed beauty and ruined elegance”. Agreed.
I first watched this film on March 18, 2020, during the NYC lockdown of the Covid-19 pandemic. It became the first of a larger project, where I ended up watching over 800 queer films, with 340 of them in 2020 alone! If I was awake I was watching a movie. It wasn’t healthy, but it did keep me sane. And it was fun. I was entertained and engaged. But, when I started, I just wanted to watch a movie and this was what I watched.
I decided the other day that I should revisit some of these titles that I never really reviewed, and give them some more attention. I remembered that this was the first I’d watched and that I hadn’t loved it, but I couldn’t remember why. So here we are.
“Geography Club” is a 2013 American comedy drama film directed by Gary Entin from a screenplay by Edmund Entin, based on the 2003 novel of the same name by openly gay American author Brent Hartinger. And yes, I know that some people object to the term “openly gay”, but for me, it’s still a sign of the progress we’ve made, and is something to note. YMMV. The novel has at least 6 sequels.
The film centers on Russell Middlebrook (Cameron Deane Stewart), who falls for his high school’s football quarterback, Kevin Land (Justin Deeley) which leads him to the school’s Geography Club, which is actually a group of queer kids, leading to the creation of a Gay Straight Alliance. Sounds good right? And it features Alex Newell and reliable ally Scott Bakula…so why don’t I like it? Well, I wondered the same thing as I was watching. Not all of the acting is great, but there are movies with worse acting that I adore, so that’s not it. What I can say is that my problems with the movie have less to do what is there, than what is not. The movie feels rushed, and like either a lot was cut from it, or like maybe they ran out of money and just never filmed everything they needed? Sometimes the plot just jumps forward in a way that seems unjustified, nonsensical and / or totally random. Less annoying, but still problematic, there are some humor elements that just don’t work. Whole sections that I’m aware the movie wants me to laugh, but they just aren’t funny. And I wish there was more to discuss, but there isn’t. And if this was the only film to cover this kind of story, that would be fine, but it’s not, and so it just feels tired and, incomplete. That’s the word I’d use for the movie if I was asked. It’s an incomplete experience, despite watching the entire film twice.
Before it was a movie, the novel was adapted as a play. I wonder if that’s better? Speaking of which, maybe the novel is better? The novel has at least 6 sequels and assorted spin-offs, so even if the movie is exactly like the book, you get more time with the main characters for sure. Watching the movie I wasn’t tempted to read the book, which isn’t like me. Maybe I will someday? I’m just not sure it would be worth my time. But I’m also probably not the target audience either…because I’m old! lol
