The best actor tonight
reminded me of you;
I thought to speak this
but then remembered
your cruel insanity
and the way you cut me
before cowardly running
away to your drugs;
your marriage of lies and pain,
denial and hope,
sadness and despair.
I wanted to invite you to our party,
the way I always reach out and invite you,
but having removed yourself from my life
I can’t extend the invitation
which you confusingly attested
had never been offered in the past…
even though I always welcomed you
and sought to join our worlds together.
You called me the night that your father died
in October 2011,
and when I inquired,
you said he’d have been happy to have me there,
but then there were no words or information given.
I invited you camping for a night in 2016
and you agreed but then your future fiance
blackmailed you into staying behind.
You asked me to take photographs
of a famed NYC locale which I spent
a day reaching to amuse you,
only to share them with no response whatsoever.
I invited, again & again,
and you cancelled,
made excuses,
ignored or hid for no reason
I’ve been informed of.
Every time I reached out,
you were grateful,
but refused to touch.
Until the night came of The Body Politic when you accused,
expelling your poison laced accusations
with no possibility for my response,
despite years shared in conversation,
dedication and nearly 16 years after
the most perfect kiss that I’ll have ever given.
That night I chose not to follow you.
Not again.
I will not chase you simply because you’ve chosen to run.
I will not struggle through your shit
just because you feel like being an asshole.
If you reach out to me
I will be there,
but I don’t have the strength
to force you to see reason
or remember how I have championed you.
If I’m lucky I’ll hear from you again someday
but I suspect I will only hear of your untimely end.
You were out of your mind on junk
the entire time I knew you
but I just couldn’t see it.
I see it now
and no matter how much I try
I can’t stop loving you.
The only difference is
I love myself now too
and I deserve better
than to suffer for the choices that you’ve made.
Wake the fuck up!
Written by Jason Wright
December 15, 2017
