“What am I trying to do? What am I trying to say?”

I ask those questions a lot lately. Mostly related to this place, but in other contexts as well. Sometimes I think have answers but other times I don’t know.

I like video games but it is difficult for me to find games that I love. I lucked out when during the pandemic, through a group plan on Nintendo Switch, I had free access to the then 3 year old game, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. I had played a few Zelda games before, including the original, but the last one I’d played, Twilight Princess, had so frustrated me that I’d basically sworn them off. I didn’t think I’d play Breath of the Wild for long, but I’m still playing it 6 years later and I’ve played through the entire game 7 or 8 times. I love it. But hearing that I love this game, people ask me what else I like and there isn’t much. Aaron plays many, many video games and enjoys them all. I like Mario Kart, due in part to Aaron training me on some of the basics that I never would have picked up on my own. Also during the pandemic I played through Super Mario Odyssey, which I enjoyed at the time. I played the first 3 Spyro games. I beat the original Metroid game and the first sequel, which was released for Gameboy. I like Injustice 2. I love the old Playstation game The Unholy War. But in the last few years it has mostly been Breath of the Wild and it’s spin-offs.

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom will be three years old next month. I started what I think is my 4th playthrough of the game yesterday. So far I’m taking my time. The first 3 times I played I sped through the opening sky island until it was finished before taking a break, but not this time. I intend to take the game slowly and try to enjoy it over a longer span of time. And I want to try to play it in the story order that the game clearly wants you to go in. I don’t know if I’ll be successful. I always get distracted and want to do other things in these games, and in “Breath of the Wild” / “Tears of the Kingdom”, you can, which is probably why I love them so much.

I got dressed yesterday evening and was thinking of going to Boxers, a gay sports bar in lower Manhattan, but I was also hungry and thought getting pizza and then staying in for the night to chill might be nice. But then I thought I might go get the pizza, take it home, maybe have a slice and then going to the bar, but walking to the restaurant made my decision a lot easier. For about a year, maybe a little longer, I sometimes get these horrible pains in my ankles when I walk. It isn’t all the time. But when it happens it is really difficult to keep going. I p[lan to discuss this with my doctor at my next appointment, which I believe is in June. I should have mentioned it before now, but I often have a hard time speaking coherently to doctors and need to take notes and things beforehand to remember what I need to say, and this is on the agenda. And on top of that, it was a lot chillier than I expected, even having looked at the weather and having worn a jacket. So once I was home I was in for the night, which is what led to me playing Zelda.

When I’m sitting in our office, I’m pretty quiet. I don’t usually have a lot of noise around me, and it is then, late at night when I can hear the mice. We’ve had mice in our apartment off and on over the years, but we haven’t had them since we had our apartment redone. This is likely due to many of the holes in the original floor, near the old heating registers being sealed and many of those pipes being removed. But I thought I heard one. I told myself I was probably just hearing the normal noises of a home. Later when getting ready for bed I thought I heard it again, but it stopped. I thought maybe I was hearing some residual noise from the downstairs neighbors. But while sitting on our bed, a mouse came under the bedroom door right below me and I screamed like a little bitch. I think I said “Get OUT!” The mouse stopped then scurried under the bed. I found the one trap I knew we had and set it out. I then ordered a box of 20 more. These traps are brutal but they seem to kill the rodents instantly. And then I sweep them up and throw them away. It’s kind of ironic that I’m only hearing this mouse after Aaron left for L.A. because Aaron is deathly afraid of rodents, which is problematic in NYC because rodents often run across the sidewalks or over the streets, or through the subways. They don’t bother me when I see them outside. Not even a little. But when they’re inside my house I am bothered. But if they are in the house, it is left up to me to deal with them because Aaron can’t. He doesn’t even like to hear that they are there and if I catch them or kill them or barely miss doing so, I can’t talk to him about it because he gets very upset. Hopefully I can get rid of this one before he comes home, partially so he doesn’t have to deal with it at all, but also because I just want it gone. I’m not sure what it is doing in here. Our apartment is very clean and is even more clean than usual as I tossed a lot of junk out recently so there are even more open surfaces with less hiding spots. Still, I think I’m going to clean the bedroom later.

Due to the mouse, I ended up going to bed much later than I had planned, well into Tuesday’s morning hours. I didn’t sleep well. I also didn’t take my Ambien, because I’m trying to take it less often. Hopefully this means I’ll sleep better tonight. I’m falling behind on my TV shows. I haven’t watched LOTR: The Rings of Power in over a week. I’ve not watched more of Daredevil or Tales of the City. I never finished last week’s Maul episodes and 2 more came out yesterday, but the latter series might work better as a binge anyways. And I want to watch and review some queer films soon. I’ll try to catch up on that stuff soon. Possibly later today. There is a new Daredevil: Born Again episode tonight, which I will likely watch as soon as I can; sometimes that’s the night it airs and other times it is the day after. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll end up doing nothing.

“I’ve Got a Demon Under My Skin”

I showered with Aaron and started working on different things while Aaron continued to get ready for his trip. He had a short meeting and then I helped him load up the car and brought stuff in for him as well. It sucks when he’s gone, but I’m also someone who doesn’t mind being on their own, so I’ll miss him but I’ll be okay, which is a pretty good balance I expect.

I did start dancing in the elevator. But not because I was happy he was gone. It’s just that when I’m on my own I can listen to my music, dance around the apartment, clean, without worrying that Aaron will be in a meeting and I wander onto his cam naked. lol It’s never happened but I worry about it all the time.

So Aaron is off on his L.A. adventure. My aide will be here at 2pm.

It was a little chilly out (I had nothing on under the hoodie and the breeze was cooler than I like) – but it was sunny and not too bad. It’s supposed to get really cloudy later though. We’ll see if I have any adventures outside.

But until then… I’ll just keep dancing. <3

“No One Knows Anyone Else”

Yesterday was lazy. Partially because I woke up with a migraine due to the weather. I briefly played Mario Galaxy with Aaron, but I spent most of the day working on my website. I still struggle to find the right things to make everything look the way that I want it, so I’m constantly experimenting and learning, which is a lot more exhausting than I had hoped. Also, I added a visitor counter the other day and it said I had 40 some visitors yesterday. I assumed this was just me doing edits and being counted multiple times but signing in to write this it said I’d had 16 visitors today, so maybe people actually are already coming here. That was fast. I assumed it would take much longer for people to find me. But I hope whoever they are that they’re enjoying this place. I used to get such interesting e-mails from people all over, but I haven’t included any contact information here and I’ve disabled posts. I had a placeholder post or two when I tried to do this a few years ago and the mountains of spam I got were out of control, so I’d rather have nothing than that shit.

I slept really well. I had good dreams which I only vaguely remember. Aaron is getting ready and getting packed. He’s leaving for Los Angeles today and won’t be back for nearly a week.

Aaron clearly wants us to see the rerelease of Avengers: Endgame in September, which will feature new footage tied into Avengers: Doomsday. I’m interested in going too, which surprises me. I’ve hated going to movie theaters ever since cell phones started popping up everywhere. I get distracted by the smallest things and miss huge chunks of the movies I’ve paid to see. We’ve had a few good experiences in the last few years, but none of them have been in Manhattan. Thankfully we have a car and live close to New Jersey.

I will likely work on getting some of my Marvel themed stuff online today. But honestly there are million more things to do. I still have at least 1,000 poems to upload, which will be even longer if I do artwork for all of them. We’ll see.

When I woke up in was in the high 30s, which is a bit chilly. It was 85 last week. It should be in the low 50s later. I’ll probably go get some food around that time. Until then I should have a smoothie.

I used to think it was quite sad that nobody ever really knows anyone else, but I think in the long run that it might actually be for the better. Time to move.

Oh! And I need to message my friend Nicole back! She texted me the other day and asked me some questions but I hate typing long messages on my phone. lol I’ll do that ASAP.

“Til They Play the Last Song”

I had a dream last night that I was fucking Aaron, which, for the record, I have never done. He’s a top. I’m a bottom. That’s how it goes. But in the dream we both liked it.

Yesterday I started watching some stuff that I’ve wanted to see for a long time but haven’t gotten around to. “Daredevil” Season 3 has been on the backburner for 7.5 years, but with the new season of “Daredevil: Born Again” finally getting exceptionally good, and with plenty of ties to the old show, I’m finally ready to see it. I also started watching “Tales of the City”. I’ve seen the original miniseries once, but it’s been a long time, and I’ve never seen the 3 sequel seasons, but I have access to all of them now, so here we go. I’m also still watching a lot of other things like “The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power”, which I hopefully won’t quit again (as I have done twice in the past) because I really am enjoying it now, I just have a hard time staying focused on any one thing.

I’d write more but I should get to bed. Aaron actually told me earlier that he sleeps better when I’m in there with him, which he’s never told me before, so I didn’t know. I sometimes sleep better on my own, but when he’s away on trips and things, I do miss him more when he’s not in the bed and won’t be returning for days at a time.

I have “Mandolin Rain” stuck in my head. I’m not sure why. I don’t mind though, because I love that song. I used to have the album as a cassette tape.

“Let’s Go Outside”

So, my “date” with Glenn went well, despite several delays. I made it outside again. I took the train despite not having my music (my headphones didn’t charge for some reason). And all was eventually right with the world. I even ate. There was wonderful conversation, a lot of laughter and some real emotion. Followed by a terrific show at 54 Below, where we both knew many of the people involved. It was great fun. And the music they played before and after the show was surprisingly goth, with songs by Siouxsie and the Banshees and Type O Negative. Interesting. I was very tired by the end of the night and we were driving several people back to the Heights with us so we said goodnight to Glenn and Christian and so many others. But it was a wonderful night.

I was a little bummed that there was no Avengers: Doomsday trailer waiting at home for me, but they did show a trailer at CinemaCon; they just haven’t released it to the public and I’m not sure they ever will. The first trailer for Avengers: Endgame was shown at a con and they never ever released that trailer publically. We’ll see.

It was revealed that Kathryn Newton will be returning as Cassie Lang / Stature in “Avengers: Doomsday” – which we didn’t know. And young Wesley Holloway has been announced for the film and is rumored to be playing Steve and Peggy’s son.

They did release the final trailer for The Mandalorian & Grogu, which I think looks fantastic!

I need to go finish getting ready for bed. I’m dead tired.

“The Circus We’re In”

slept very well. Then I cuddled with Aaron for 2 hours. I feel good. But I dreaded reading last night’s post as I really was tripping – but hey, it’s not bad! I have an on and off addiction to sleeping pills. I’ve been cutting back a bit. And this has made them hit me much harder. I say that like I’m tripping acid, and I can only imagine how hard that would hit me because I’m very much a lightweight. When Ambien hits me hard I see pretty colors and if I’m reading, the words drift off the page. That was happening last night while I was typing and it was like the words were floating out of the screen, which is when I realized what was happening. lol It hasn’t hit me like that in years.

I really am into Tori Amos’s “From the Choirgirl Hotel”, which again, was an album I listened to a lot when I was creating the original gothboy.com website. I keep going back to it. She has a new album that I haven’t listened too yet, but I’m content with this one for now.

I think I’m losing weight. I haven’t lost a lot, I’m sure, but I feel like I’m losing weight, which was a goal of mine, but not one that I’ve given a lot of thought to. I have a very complicated relationship with food. I have PTSD which is tied into food. And beyond that I was also raised in an environment where my education related to food was far from normal. And on top of all of that, I have idiopathic gastroparesis, or at least I’ve been told that I do – there is another diagnosis which I can’t remember, but they’re similar and it actually might be both. So it’s complicated.

I am, however, making healthier choices of late. I was eating a lot of ice cream over the last several years. I think 3 quarts a week was my average? I’ve totally cut ice cream from my diet, which doesn’t mean I won’t potentially have it at Dairy Queen or something, but that I don’t keep any at home. Instead I drink smoothies, which means I replaced something unhealthy with something far more useful, which gives me everything I got from the ice cream but with none of the negative side effects. I’ve also cut way back on bread. I’m still eating bread, but less. Less cheese as well. For over a year I added cheese to nearly everything. To be fair, I was also adding chia seeds and flax seeds, but now I’m eating less cheese and just as many of the seeds. I also started buying fresh kiwi and snacking on that, which I’d wanted to do for years, which must sound strange, but again, my relationship with food is complicated. Oh, and the smoothies mean I’m having fruit every day! Which was definitely NOT the case before. And beyond the food choices, I’m starting to get out a lot more. Since the pandemic in 2020, I’ve mostly been a hermit when I’m in New York. I would maybe leave home 4 or 5 times a month, but there were times when I wouldn’t go outside for weeks at a time. But it is now April 16 and I’ve been outside 9 times this month and I have plans to go out tonight. I went out on the 14th as well, to pick up a pizza. Cheese and bread! But again, I’m eating far less and a healthier variety. For about a year we’ve been getting Little Caesars where we get 2 pizzas, one of them being the pretzel crust, which has so much salt that it has a warning on it! We had them delivered, always, so due to the cost we had to spend more to save a little on the delivery. But now I’m walking to the store, picking up one pizza, not two, and not getting the pretzel crust – saving money, getting exercise, eating less and eating healthier. And still having a pizza. But I have a slice, maybe two a day so it lasts just under a week.

Speaking of outside. I went for a walk yesterday. I was planning on going to my favorite park, Fort Tryon, but it was a bit later than I planned on and then just as I was getting ready to leave there were a flurry of messages from Aaron and Glenn about tonight’s events. I did try to go to the park but decided I’d take the train rather than walk there, only the train was late and I decided to just walk home so I could get myself a ticket to a show tonight, if I needed one. I stopped and got those kiwis on the way home at a new neighborhood market. I got all the things ready. I had a smoothie. Later as a snack I had some green olives, pecans, & sunflower seeds. I played some Zelda (Breath of the Wild) and then got ready for bed, which is when I posted last night.

Aaron and I have been chatting while he gets ready for work. He just looked over my shoulder and saw how I was organizing this post and told me he liked what I was doing: “I see what you’re doing. I’m picking up what you’re putting down. That’s a very handsome man on that subway!” lol

I’m looking forward to going out tonight. I’ll likely leave here shortly after 6. I’m meeting Glenn for a reservation at Serafina in midtown at 7. Then we need to be at 54 Below at 9, for the 9:30 show; the venue is just a few blocks away so we should be fine. And then the show is from 9:30 to 10:30 with another show at 11 so the venue needs to clear out quickly, and I’ll catch a ride home with Aaron and another one of the judges.

Right. So after Glenn asked if we could meet today, Aaron told me our friend Christian was having a concert that night but I figured I should keep my plans with Glenn so I told Aaron I wasn’t going. Then yesterday Glenn asked if I’d like to go to that same show with him! It felt fated at that point. I mean, Glenn didn’t even realize that I knew Christian or that Aaron would be there! lol It’s so funny. But I’m happy it worked out this way. Aaron and I chilled with Christian last month after a Stonewall Chorale concert.

I’ve never hung out with Glenn one on one, which seems odd, in retrospect. I’ve hung out with his ex-wife a few times (who I adore). I usually see Glenn at parties or shows, but there have been smaller gatherings. I met him in passing in 2014, but didn’t officially meet him until August of that year, when we saw him in “The Magic Flute” on Martha’s Vineyard, which was my first opera; I just saw my 14th opera a few weeks ago. We stayed in the same house. Aaron, Glenn, his kids, and there were others there too. We swam in the ocean, near where “Jaws” was filmed. This was the weekend of August 1st, 2014. I know because Aaron and I always try to see the new Marvel films on opening night and we missed the opening of “Guardians of the Galaxy” to be on the island. Glenn and islands. I hadn’t thought of that before. We met in passing in Manhattan, then Martha’s Vineyard, and we’ve visited him twice on Mackinac Island, where his family has a home. Funny.

Anyways, I’m excited for tonight. But, speaking of Marvel, tonight Marvel will be presenting at CinemaCon and I was hoping to just sit at home and take in the news, but I’m skipping Marvel to chill with Glenn and company. History repeating itself. lol

“Remind Me What It Feels Like”

I’m trying to stay awake. I have stuff that I need / want to do that involves use of the TV, which Aaron uses on the weekends and evenings when he’s home, almost constantly. He plays a lot of video games and watches a lot of stuff to unwind. I could have used a smaller monitor but I haven’t wanted to. Plus, if the mood hits me, it’s easier for me to write when there aren’t a lot of distractions.

We had a good Saturday. We went to the NYC Botanical Gardens in the Bronx. It was our second visit; we’re members so we’re trying to go more often. I made the plans, which Aaron thanked me for. It was relaxing, fun and so very chill. We hold hands just about everywhere that we go but it has felt even more special of late given all the shit going on in our fucked up country. We went to the Orchid Show, which involved us being herded through a confined green house space, but everyone inside was lovely – except the people that worked there, who were needlessly rude, which everyone commented on. Later we walked around a bit then headed home. We didn’t try to see everything because, again, we plan on going more often.

When we got home we continued our “Re-Trek”. A couple of years ago now, we started watching all of Star Trek together in chronological order. We booked through Enterprise, Discovery and what exists of Strange New Worlds and we made short work of everything up to Star Trek: The Next Generation, but we’ve been dragging our feet for awhile now. Today we watched S03E03 “The Survivors”, which I don’t think I’d seen since it first aired in 1989. There was much that I didn’t remember, but I knew how it ended; likely because this story is retold a few times in Trek. I also remembered that Anne Ryan Haney played a character in it, though I wouldn’t have been able to tell you the actor’s name; I did know that it was the same actor from DS9’s “Dax” & the film “Mrs. Doubtfire”, both of which I love. The episode was okay. I’m much more familiar with the latter half of this season of TNG because I had everything from S03E13 “Deja Q” through Season 6 (?) recorded on VHS and I watched my favorite episodes multiple times. There are a couple of stories in Season 7 that I don’t think I’ve seen more than once or twice though, and not in decades.

I have mix playing which includes “In This Twilight” by Nine Inch Nails. I’ve always loved this song. When it was new I printed up the lyrics and included them in a collage (because, when I don’t I make collages?) – they were placed on my bedroom ceiling right above where I would lay my head.

“A Storm Is Threatening…”

I worked on various webpage items for 4.5 hours. So many old pictures. So many old memories. But enough for now.

The sun is blazing through the windows.

So many Trump headlines. War. Threats of annihilation. I don’t have the energy to spare too much time thinking about it all but it’s always there in the back of my mind. I have the luxury of letting it live in that space.

Tired.

I’m going to see if I can fall asleep with some Aaron cuddles.

Wake me when it’s over.

“So kiss me, my darling stay with me ’til morning”

I’m still thrilled to be back in this space. Goth boy. But trying to decide all the things, coming up with solutions, mostly on my own, is exhausting. I’m traversing all these new obstacles that didn’t exist the first time I had a website, or if they did, I was blissfully ignorant. I had no idea that anyone would actually pay attention to my little piece of the internet or that anyone would care what I had to say or how much skin I showed, but they did. And I’m trying to get back to that freedom while also being responsible and considerate and mindful; respecting boundaries that I honestly never considered nearly 30 years ago when this journey began the first time. The growth I’m describing pleases me. But it’s far less easy than it was before. But I can do this.

I uploaded more collages to my gallery, more poetry and artwork. I added plugins to include music in my posts. I looked into some kind of age restriction for my site, though a lot of that information seems contradictory and I’m also not sure if I should age gate the whole thing or just my photographs? I mean, my writing is really fucking graphic…and I’m so fucking tired right now. I slept a little under 6 hours last night, but I’m used to more. My body wants me to sleep and I hopefully will soon, but I wanted to write this and take a shower to get the sunblock off of me.

Age restriction(s). Visitor counter(s). Perhaps a plugin to include Google Sheets / Google Docs? I also need to create pages for my non-poetry related writing and my viewing / reading orders, movie reviews, etc. But I probably won’t get to most of that until I have more of my poetry ported over, at least my writing from 2011 onward. And I’ll ask Mark about the website stuff that I don’t quite get. That’s a lot but it seems like something worth doing and something I can accomplish.

I was planning on watching the new episode of Daredevil: Born Again (S02E04 “Gloves Off”) tonight, but I’m just too tired. I’ll try to watch it tomorrow. Season 3 of Euphoria begins this Sunday. I was caught up by the time Season 2 ended but that was over 4 years ago, so I don’t remember it very clearly. Eric Dane’s Cal Jacobs will be featured, which will be odd since Dane passed away recently – and other cast members have died since the end of Season 2.

Oh! And the pain that Aaron was having that led us to the clinic yesterday is possibly to do with stress and was helped in part by a visit to his chiropractor. Aaron found another office that seems promising in our neighborhood and will given them a try on Friday or Saturday but his usual chiropractor is at 50th Street (Manhattan); this would be much closer. Hopefully he continues to improve. He and I have been together for about 14.5 years! Crazy.

Okay. I need to keep this short. I need to sleep. And I need that shower.

“Things Like That Drive Me Out of My Mind”

I got Aaron to watch the 1997 film “The House of Yes” a long time ago. It’s a favorite of mine, based on the 1990 play “The House of Yes: A Suburban Jacobean Play”, by Wendy MacLeod.

Yesterday, knowing my love of the film, he took me to the Mannes School of Music to see a workshop of a new opera adaptation of the same work, which was a fascinating experience. The performers were students; they were all great. And I got to meet many of the creatives in passing. I also spoke briefly to the 2020 Pulitzer Prize winning Michael R. Jackson, who wrote the book, music, and lyrics for “A Strange Loop”, which I had loved when we saw it on Broadway – but I didn’t realize who he was until after we left. No. I talked to him about John Carpenter and the film “They Live”, which was on a shirt that he was wearing. lol

Years ago, also in part based on my love of “The House of Yes” but also my fanboy crush on Ewan, Aaron also took me to see “The Real Thing”, a play that then starred Ewan McGregor, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Cynthia Nixon and Josh Hamilton. I met them all briefly after the show and they were delightful; we got all their signatures on our poster – and I told Hamilton that I was a huge fan of “The House of Yes”, in which he played Marty – and thanked Ewan for “Velvet Goldmine”. <3

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