Author: Jason Wright

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“Every Single Memory Has Become a Part of Me”

Sunday (10-11-26) there was a huge storm, with flood warnings for much of Manhattan. I was still having trouble eating and I wasn’t sure why. Aaron and I were talking and I remembered that when we watched Season 3 of “Heartstopper” a few months ago, that the disordered eating scenes hit me really hard but I couldn’t remember why. I later looked up what I wrote about it in my blog at the time, and I read that to Aaron. He commented that he loved my writing, which is something he’s told me many times, but it somehow always surprises me. Later, remembering how I would starve as a child until I felt safe, I realized that this was the problem. There’s an ongoing conversation between me as I am now, and my childhood self. It began in 2006, and has continued over the years as it has proven useful to me, but every now and again I lose sight of this, and it always ends badly when I do. I realized I had not fed my childhood self in a long while, which is to say that when I changed my diet this year I had assured him that this wasn’t a problem and that we weren’t excluding foods that made him feel safe, even if I was eating them less often. I let him know I was going to get him some food he could eat and I started relaxing almost instantly – even as the conversation continued. I calmed him down. I got him what he needed. And things improved drastically. I walked through the heavy rainfall to Starbucks for me, and to the grocery store to get him some chips. That probably sounds crazy, but it’s effective. Nobody took notice of him when I was a kid, when I was him, and so I look after him. Aaron says it sounds like I’m parenting him, and I suppose that’s true.

Lately, things have been really rough. A lot of stress has been coming my way. And a lot of different triggers. I think I’ve managed most of these problems successfully. But I’m just noting that things haven’t been this rough in a long time. I’ve started taking Xanax again, a bit more often than I usually do. I used to take it every day, for years. But I learned other coping skills and those are usually enough. I keep a prescription open and I do use it when I need it, but I’ve needed it more lately. I’m glad that I have it and I feel I’m using it responsibly. I just need to pay a bit more attention to what is going on in my life to make this so much more difficult than it had been.

Oh. On Sunday I watched the first episode of “Avatar: Seven Havens”, which I enjoyed. The episode, plus 2 others, were released on Friday. I’ve only seen a few “Avatar: The Last Airbender” episodes, which I started a few years ago, but didn’t stick with it – even though I enjoyed it a lot. I decided to start over and watched the first 3 or 4 episodes, which again, I enjoyed. I’d really like to see more of his universe and I know it would mean a lot to my cousin Katie, who loves it. It’s not that it doesn’t interest me, but I feel like it’s increasingly difficult for me to stay focused on any one thing, which bothers me, but I kind of like the idea of watching the new series as it unfolds, while catching up on the older stuff. Hopefully I can stay focused on it. I mean, even with everything they’ve announced there’s less than 300 installments, and many of those won’t be available in the near future, so I have no excuse really. I’ll try.

I went to bed early, as I’ve been doing lately, and after reading a big chunk of “Magic’s Pawn”, I slept most of the night, getting up with Aaron after we cuddled for about an hour. Later, I realized that my therapy session, which I thought was on Wednesday is actually on tomorrow, when I need to be with Aaron for his therapy, so I had to move the appointment, which brought on more stress. I decided I needed to go for a walk, and it was about 72 degrees out, much warming than the day before, which had been in the high 50s. I walked to Fort Tryon Park, which is my goto, and as I sat on a park bench, “In This Life” by Madonna started playing on my LGBTQ+ Playlist – and this made me laugh as the first line of the song is “Sitting on a park bench”. My life has become a sad 1992 Madonna song. It came out in October too – I remember well, because it was was released around the same time as Anne Rice’s “The Tale of the Body Thief”, which I was reading. I headed home. I took a shower with Aaron and talked through some stuff with him which made us both feel better.

I weighed myself after the shower and I was shocked to see that I’d lost weight, despite wolfing down the chips I got for Little Jason the night before. I’ve basically lost 40 pounds since last year. That’s crazy.

They released the titles of all 8 episodes of VisionQuest today:

S01E01 No Strings (October 14, 2026)
S01E02 Theseus (October 14, 2026)
S01E03 Reboot (October 21, 2026)
S01E04 Malware (October 21, 2026)
S01E05 Firewall (October 28, 2026)
S01E06 Deadlock (October 28, 2026)
S01E07 Immolation (November 4, 2026)
S01E08 Forever (November 11, 2026)

I love the the titles. The first is clearly tied to Ultron, who says the line in “Avengers: Age of Ultron”, while the second installment features a reference to the Ship of Theseus, also known as Theseus’s Paradox, which was the crux of an argument made by Hex Vision (in “WandaVision” S01E09 “The Series Finale”) that started White Vision on the journey that we will seemingly finally see in this new series. Very cool. Reviews are out now and while there are people that didn’t like it, they seem to not like it because it’s mired in M.C.U. continuity, but that’s one my favorite things, so I suspect I’ll enjoy it quite a lot. Reviewers who seem to dig the M.C.U. as much as I do seem to have loved it. The episodes are released at 9pm, which might be rough for me. I’ve been going to bed really early. But maybe I’ll get up early so I can watch them – or stay awake. We’ll see.

I’m already tired, and I have the beginnings of what could be a really bad migraine, so I’m going to get away from my computer, and I might take some painkiller. I’ve been hesitant to take any lately as I feel I was taking it too often, when often my pain either doesn’t improve from the meds, or often, if I just wait it out, it improves on its own. This feels different though, so I will treat it accordingly.

Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Jesus to a Child” by English singer / songwriter (and gay pop culture icon) George Michael, from his 1996 third solo studio album, “Older”. The song is a melancholic tribute to Michael’s late lover, Anselmo Feleppa, who died of AIDS related complications in 1993. George Michael was one one of my rare celebrity crushes and I wept for him when he died on Christmas day, 2016, nearly 10 years ago, at the age of 53. One of the odd vagaries of existence, is that if you live long enough, when others don’t, you can eventually be older than them. When he died I was 42, but next year, if I’m lucky enough to live that long, I too will be 53. It fucks with my head. I mean, if I live to be 54, I will be the one who is OLDER. So weird. So sad.

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“Never Let It Be Said I Was Untrue”

Friday morning’s appointment (10-09-26) with Aaron went well, I think. I’m glad his treatment is going well. Our friend Bernard was going to drive us but had some medical problems and had been in the E.R. the night before, so we took an Uber, which was expensive. Aaron asked if I might do some of the driving from now on, driving us from his appointments from White Plains to just outside Manhattan, and that by then he should be able to park the car. I’ve never really driven anywhere near New York, even though I’ve lived here for 14 years, but I agreed I could do that. Aaron appreciated my attentiveness and support.

The trip wasn’t without its triggers and I wrote something new, though I’m not sure that it’s any good. It served its purpose. I was tired all day and took a few naps. I went to bed early, before 7pm, slept until around midnight, then got up until around 4am (10-10-26) and went back to bed, cuddling with Aaron for a big chunk of that time. I had good dreams, though I can’t remember the details now. When I woke I worked on my Marvel Viewing Order, which is far from finished, but is finally in a less embarrassing state – I don’t mind if people stumble on it now, and I might ask a few friends for feedback. I updated several other pages also.

I showered, ate, and checked to see if there was any Star Trek news from NYCC, the main piece being that Season 2 of Starfleet Academy will arrive in March of 2027. That series was cancelled earlier this year (which seemed to be political in nature) and the final season of Strange New Worlds will also be released next year – and this era of Trek that began with the first Kelvin Timeline film in 2009 will come to an end. They’re working on a new movie but it will be a new creative team with no ties to the old, as far as I know. I loved a lot of this era, but I’ve had a few disappointments as well – most notably, Season 2 of Star Trek: Picard and the 2 recent seasons of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds + Section 31 – otherwise I was pretty happy with everything.

Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “The Ubiquitous Mr Lovegrove” by British-Australian neoclassical darkwave band Dead Can Dance, from their 1993 sixth studio album “Into the Labyrinth”, which I first heard in late 1994 (via Gene Warrick), though at the time, I assumed it was much older than that. Gene was a creep, and a rapist, so I used to have really bad associations with a lot of the music that he played for me, but I eventually softened on Dead Can Dance, New Order and Kate Bush – but I’ve never really come to enjoy Christian Death.

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My Ketamine Love

In the chains of delight
in the troupe of the duped…

In the plains of deep white
in this group with no group…

As the dopamine grows
to the heights of the slain…

As the ketamine flows
and ignites in his brain…

It is then that I write
and listen
and cry…

As again with last rites
we christen goodbye.

Written by Jason Wright
October 9, 2026

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“A Spray of Stars Hit the Screen”

I stayed in on Monday (10-05-26). I didn’t feel great. Aaron stayed home also, skipping pool, due to his leg injury. I was planning on going with him if he did go, but I was fine staying home.

Tuesday (10-06-26) I needed to get out for a bit and I was hungry. I went to Starbucks and got the spinach feta wrap and stopped at the pharmacy on the way home, only the line was so long and I didn’t need to pick up the prescription that had been filled because I still had some.

Later I got the test results from my anal pap. I had been dreading the news. At my age, as a sexually active bottom, the chances were very high that I had HPV, but I had consoled myself with the knowledge that coming of age during the AIDS crisis, most of my partners had worn condoms. Additionally, most of my lovers weren’t one night stands, but relationships, some of whom likely had never been exposed to the virus (strict tops who less experienced than me) or in some cases, had been vaccinated. Aaron, who has been my central partner for nearly 15 years, was vaccinated before we met. And in that 15 year time (that’s 15 years this month), I’ve slept with 4 other men, 3 of them with Aaron. All of them have used condoms, save one, who didn’t fuck me. And I was also vaccinated several years ago as at the time, they couldn’t find anyone who would test me, and my thinking was that if they couldn’t prove that I had it, then I wanted the very expensive vaccine, which I got, paid out of pocket and have never regretted. All that to say is that while I knew I might have it, there was a good chance that I didn’t. I was told that I’d get 2 results and that the first is often a false positive, so I just waited until I had both. But both were negative. I’m HPV negative. I still can’t quite believe it. And it doesn’t make me any less angry that they didn’t allow men to get the vaccine when I asked for it in my 20s.

Wednesday (10-07-26) I had an early morning appointment at my cardiologist’s office. A hot guy (Roman) performed the test. They listened to and scanned my heart. The results all seem normal, which I suppose is good. There was one oddity, but it wasn’t marked as being an issue, but honestly I don’t really understand the test or the results so I’ll wait for the doc to let me know how I’m doing. I’ve been considerate of my heart health ever since my cousin Michael, who is one month younger than me, had a heart attack a few years ago. Scared the Hell out of me, which I told him when I saw him in the summer of 2025. Tuesday night, Aaron went to choir and I wanted to go with him to see everyone, but we had a grocery order that I needed to wait for so I played some Zelda and watched some SVU. I was a little bummed to see that I had somehow gained 7 pounds. Well, 4 really. I weighed 180 for a single day and then I was hovering around 183 or so. Then today I was 187.

Thursday (10-08-26) I woke up feeling like I wanted to work on my Marvel viewing order, unraveling a particularly continuity heavy knot (events surrounding 2016’s “Captain America: Civil War”) which took most of the day. All of it, really.

I was happy to see that I’d somehow lost 5 pounds. So I’m back to 182.8. I love eating these Veggie Tots (which are delicious treats which count as an entire serving of vegetables), but I’ve noticed they seem to linger in my body for a lot longer than I would expect – and I weigh a lot more with them inside me. The thing is, they ‘depart’ days later, so the weight gain is always short lived, but it keeps me from having them as an every day snack. Food is weird. Especially for me, since I’ve tended to avoid thinking about it most of my life.

As I was unwinding, more Marvel news started pouring in. Partially because VisionQuest (which begins on Wednesday, just 6 days from now) has been released to critics in full, and it’s getting very good reactions so far. And also (and I’m not sure why this slipped my mind) but Marvel TV had a panel at NYCC today, in which they announced and confirmed several fun things. I knew they were having something at NYCC, and I knew it was in October, but my brain had not processed that it was now October and that I should be looking for this news to pop up. lol

VisionQuest Release Strategy:

VQ S01E01 10-14-26
VQ S01E02 10-14-26
VQ S01E03 10-21-26
VQ S01E04 10-21-26
VQ S01E05 10-28-26
VQ S01E06 10-28-26
VQ S01E07 11-04-26
VQ S01E08 11-11-26

2 episodes a week until the final 2 episodes – both of which will more than an hour long. All the episodes are pretty long compared to previous shows. Nice. Again, the full series has been released to critics, and the ones I follow, one of which was NOT excited for this series, are raving about how good it is! The review embargo lifts on Monday, so I’ll have to do my best to avoid spoilers – but it is nice to have something to look forward to.

Avengers: Doomsday has a new poster, which was released last weekend. It features the Latverian Witches that were revealed at SDCC (pictured just above). New rumors seem to indicate these characters won’t actually be a big deal, but I feel like this is a misdirect. If they weren’t important, why tease them so effectively? Why tease their costumes at a fan event where they changed the costume every day with a different color? Maybe they aren’t anything at all. But I think they are. I hope they are. I feel like they’re doing a really great job of keeping spoilers at bay for this film, that, or I’m getting better at avoiding them. But when the costume was originally revealed, I really hoped that the final version would be scarlet, if you know what I mean, but instead they switched the costume to that of Doom. But the more distant witch in the poster certainly seems to be scarlet. <3

Season 2 of Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man is confirmed for January 13, 2027. It will feature the Alien Costume, Daredevil (Charlie Cox), Doc Oc and Scorpion will return, and we’ll meet Spider-Gwen. I loved the first season so I’m excited for this. Also, it was strange to be working on the placement of the series for hours today, and then have news about Season 2 come pouring in! Season 3 is also in the works and I wonder how many seasons the series will run for? Also, I loved the parallels with the 616 Spider-Man in the first season and I wonder if they’ll continue to toy with that?

Marvel Zombies will return in a series of 2-part Halloween Specials, released in 2027, 2028 & 2029 – with the final special described as a culmination of the whole story (so presumably the ending). The first special, The Winter Soldier, will explain Bucky’s whereabouts in the previous saga and will reportedly be filled with revelations. The second special, The Fist of Khonshu will presumably be about Blade Knight, the badass iteration of Blade / Moon Knight introduced in Season 1 of Marvel Zombies. I have loved the Marvel Zombies since the story was introduced back in Season 1 of “What If…?” (S01E05) back in 2021, and it was my favorite episode of that series overall, so I’m thrilled that the story will continue, but I’m also slightly disappointed that we have to wait until 2029 to see how it ends.

Also, there is a mysterious SECRET live action series coming in 2028 titled “Zodiac”, which they will be casting soon (so rumors are expected) and that will film in 2027 in London. It was mentioned that there are clues in the logo, and it at least implies a connection to S.H.I.E.L.D., but in what capacity? Clark Gregg (aka as Phil Coulson) shared the post about the series. Could this imply that it is a sequel to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? What does this mean? We’ll see.

X-Men ’97 will return next year for Season 3, which we already knew, but that’s about all we know. I believe a 4th season was also already announced, so expect that in 2028.

The news was welcomed. But I was exhausted and Aaron had made plans for us this morning, so I headed to bed. I believe I fell asleep between 10 & 11. I woke up around 4. I thought I’d be able to get back to sleep but after struggling to do so for 1.5 hours I got up around 5:30, made a smoothie and wrote this. Well, I adjusted it. I had scribbled it down last night before bed, but decided at the time that I’d edit it later as I was just too tired at the time.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Kiss Them for Me”, by English goth rock band Siouxsie and the Banshees, which was released in 1991 as the first single from the band’s 10th studio album, “Superstition”. According to Wikipedia, upon its release, the single received enthusiastic reviews. “Kiss Them for Me” became their most successful single in the US peaking at number 23 in the Billboard Hot 100. Billboard also ranked it as the second most-played song of the year on American alternative music radio. I couldn’t have told you any of that. I bought their second singles compilation, “Twice Upon a Time – The Singles” in late 1992 because I loved the song “Face to Face” from that year’s “Batman Returns”. I was only vaguely aware of the band at all, and I didn’t really know what to make of them. I ended up loving the entire album, but not having experienced the singles as they were released, I didn’t really grasp the experience of how each song hit and / or when. That was also 2 years before I went to my first club, which is where I heard most of my music, and I was delighted to learn that they were in heavy rotation at such venues, as I’d thought of them a s niche sort of quirky band that I had discovered that nobody else seemed to like. lol The early 90s were such a different time!

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“Emotional Images Drawn with a Single Line”

The other day, someone described my body as toned. Did I already mention that? lol The idea that anyone would ever is laughable. And yet…here are the very small muscles to prove it! lol I took these before bed on Thursday (October 1). I mention this because I’ve started lifting weights since then. I bought a set of very light weights about a year ago? I never did anything with them before though. But since I have these little muscles I’m trying to use them. I feel a little silly, lifting. I don’t really know what I’m doing at all, but I can feel the muscles working, which is fascinating for someone who’s never experienced such a thing before!

On Friday, October 2, the weather was sort of all over the place. It was sunny. It was cloudy. It was like a hot summer day, but then suddenly overcast and almost raining. This kind of stuff affects my mood a lot. I decided I needed to get outside. As I got ready to shower, I had the funniest thought and wondered if my new muscled hadn’t been a dream! But they were still there, I checked. I’ve always had a little bit of a belly, ever since I was a kid. It didn’t matter how thing I was, I always had a belly. I suspect this is because I was malnourished, having never eaten in a remotely healthy manner, and struggling to eat at all a child – actually, struggling to starve myself due to trauma. For the first time, I wondered if I might be able to lose the belly and what I might look like if I did. I guess I’ve thought about it before, but it never seemed like an actual possibility. But now? I’m eating really healthy – far healthier than any other time in my life. It’s not even close. And I’m seeing real signs of physical improvement, in a way that I never have before. So maybe it’s possible? I’m not sure I have the positivity to believe that it could really happen, but I’m at least thinking about it, which I haven’t let myself do in decades.

So I showered and shaved and got ready to go out. I decided on no eyeliner or jewelry. Just to be different. I wasn’t sure where I was going. I considered heading to a library in Inwood to see my friend Isaiah. I also thought I would like to walk there through Fort Tryon Park, but I wasn’t sure if I could make it before they closed, as the path through the park is far more circuitous than just walking up Broadway, which felt disappointing, and made me wished I’d stepped outside sooner. I also considered walking to the Little Red Lighthouse under the George Washington Bridge, as I’ve not been there in over a year and it’s a walk I thought I could handle. But that made me realize I still wasn’t sure how people got onto the G.W.B. anymore, given the construction that has been going on since the last time I walked across. So I headed in search of the answer, and found it, surprisingly quickly. The entryway is around 180th Street & Cabrini Avenue. I hadn’t actually planned to walk across the bridge and the shoes I was wearing weren’t as comfortable as I had hoped, but I started across. I only made it about a quarter of the way, but that’s a lot further than it might seem, as the path before the bridge is oddly curvy and forces you to walk much further than if you were moving directly from point to the other.

I headed home after that little adventure. I felt like I could walk a bit more but I was sweaty and I didn’t like the shoes I was wearing. I went home, showered the sweat off, put on my eyeliner and makeup, changed, and did my usual 2 mile hike to Fort Tryon’s Linden Terrace and back. Collectively, I had walked much further than I usually do and on my way home I could really feel it and my legs were sore the next day. I stayed in on Saturday but I used the weights again.

I had trouble sleeping Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I went to be very early on each night, woke up after 4 or 5 hours, got up and struggled to get back to sleep later, as I knew I had to be up at 7 each day to help motivate Aaron, which is favor he asked of me. He’s been depressed, and morning activity has become something quite difficult for him. I’m happy to help him, only I struggle with keeping the same hours. I’ve had a lot of success sleeping at night the last few years – again, far more success than at any other time in my life, but there are activities that I can only accomplish at night when Aaron is asleep. Work on my website can be tricky when Aaron is working out of the same office because he projects his voice when he’s in a Zoom meeting or on the phone, and it’s quite loud. Sometimes I can hear him through headphones when I’m at the opposite end of the apartment and through several doors, so imagine trying to work through that with us in the same room. It’s not that I don’t want to be around him; its that we need very different environments to work effectively. I also need the lights to be dimmed or shaded as my eyes are very sensitive to light. Bright (even normal) lights are distracting and can cause me migraines. He needs the light for his video appointments and his general wellbeing. So my working in the office at night is generally a good way for me to get a lot done, even if it means I come to bed late. But if I come to bed late now, I can’t sleep in because I need to be up at 7 to help Aaron. It’s a conundrum. But it’s been a little less than a week since he asked me for the help. I’m hoping we either fall into a rhythm that works for us both, or we come up with some other option. I’m just not sure what that will be.

Last night was rough. I woke up around 11:30pm after going to bed around 7. I think I would have gone right back to sleep but I was concerned about Aaron, who was still not in bed. I got up. But in getting up I woke up fully and stayed awake. I got a lot of work done on several projects, but when I would have gone to bed at 5, I worried that if I did go to bed and it took me a bit to get to sleep, I would need to get up at 7 so that I could assist Aaron. So I decided to stay awake instead. But when I spoke to Aaron at 7, he said he appreciated this but that I could just go to sleep. On the one hand I was grateful and fell asleep in Aaron’s arms. But on the other hand I was annoyed that I wasn’t able to go to bed sooner for fear of fucking things up later. It’s not like I could ask him if it was okay while he was sleeping.

Today has been a mixed bag. The weather was overcast and gloomy. And the work I’ve been doing on my website, is mostly related to my Marvel Cinematic Multiverse viewing order – as I’ve found new ways to present the information that I find really exciting – but it’s also a lot of work. And I’d like to finish a bit more, a lot more really, before showing friends. But not finishing this stuff is frustrating. It’s like there’s no payoff for all the work.

Aaron had gone to choir practice and I was so depressed I felt like cutting, honestly, which I suppose would have been ironic, since the scars on my wrists are from a suicide attempt 30 years ago today. I wasn’t thinking suicide though. But the idea of cutting popped up and I decided to combat that as best as I could. I shaved and showered. I ate. I had pita, hummus, nuts, lettuce and olives. Later I had a smoothie. I dressed. I danced. I danced alone in my apartment, which was fun. And I used the weights again. Later I decided to work on another viewing order that I knew I could finish in a short span of time and now there’s a viewing order for the Underworld franchise.

Aaron arrived home just as I started writing this. He had fallen and injured himself in the street. I’m concerned. I got him to take some Ibuprofen and asked he wanted to go to the clinic across the street. He wants to stay in tonight and if it’s bad tomorrow he’ll go, but he did take the ibuprofen.

Oh! I don’t think I mentioned this but the other day I updated my NSFW Photo Collages with 6 more entries. And I think that’s all the news I have for now.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Dead Enough For Life”, a song by Norwegian electronic music band Icon of Coil, from their 2004 album “Machines Are Us”, which is one of the songs that I was dancing to earlier. It’s on a playlist I often listen to when I walk and I used to hear it at the club a lot.

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“All the Poetry and the Trunk You Kept Your Life In”

I did cuddle with Aaron yesterday morning. Then we showered together. I stayed in. I had been excited to return to Zumba Class this week, but I had a migraine so I didn’t go. I slept pretty well that night though.

This morning I woke up around 5, inspired to work on my website, solving several problems with my Marvel viewing order. I worked on it for hours but I got a lot done. I returned to Aaron around 7 or 7:30 to shower, then went back to working on my site. I took a brief nap at one point. But I was at my computer most of the day. At around 4:30 pm I felt I needed to get outside. I shaved and showered, dressed and did my 2 mile walk to Fort Tryon and back. I passed a film crew at one point but didn’t stop to see what they were working on. I also walked by Nathan, a guy that Aaron and I hooked up with several months ago. We waved, but we didn’t stop. He was walking with someone who I think is his roommate. Part of me thought: I’ve become one of those gays that slightly acknowledges people I’ve been intimate with as we encounter each other, without saying hello. But I was walking, and he didn’t call out or anything, and I don’t know what was going on. I wasn’t bothered, but it was an odd moment.

I was wearing a Concrete Blonde shirt, from the “Bloodletting” album, which I love. I listened to it as I walked. I got a spinach wrap at Starbucks on my way home and also stopped to get some more pita bread from the grocery store. The wrap was delicious. I showered the sweat from the walk off, started listening to “Mexican Moon” (also by Concrete Blonde) and decided to write this.

As I started this, Aaron arrived back home, after having moved the car to a new parking garage that will save us $300 a month. That’s nice. I showed him the new (final) VisionQuest trailer, which he liked – and I loved. I can’t wait to see it!

I’m starting to wind down. I might play some Zelda before bed.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Caroline”, a song by American alternative rock band Concrete Blonde from their third studio album, “Bloodletting”, which was released on May 15, 1990. The album features guest appearances by R.E.M.’s Peter Buck and Wall of Voodoo’s Andy Prieboy. “Caroline” was released in September 1990 as the third single and was written by Johnette Napolitano, and produced by Concrete Blonde and Chris Tsangarides. Mike Boehm, writing for the Los Angeles Times, described “Caroline” as “a mysterious, gorgeously evocative song that recalls Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rhiannon’.” In a review of Bloodletting’, Marc D. Allan of The Indianapolis Star wrote, “‘Caroline’ is a good example of the band’s strengths. Napolitano’s lush vocals, combined with Mankey’s eerie guitar, create a subtle but powerful piece of pop.” In a retrospective review, Ned Raggett of AllMusic described the song’s lyrics as “addressing a departed friend”. I don’t recall the song from the time, but when I bought the album several years later it quickly became my favorite track, though I love all of the songs and seldom ever just listen to a single song from it, rather I listen to the whole thing.

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“Only Fools Do What I Do”

Saturday (09/26/26) Aaron and I did go see Avengers: Endgame Encore, which we both enjoyed. The theater was mostly sold out – not every seat was full, but every row was nearly full, with just a seat here or there empty. I wasn’t sure how many people would go to see a release of a 7 year old film, even with a few new scenes. It was a good time. People cheered, gasped, clapped, laughed and cried in the appropriate scenes, even though most of them had seen the film before. I cried 3 times myself. The new material amounted to 2 fun introductions + a new final scene & 3 credit scenes. All of it was amazing. Aaron and I are both very hyped for Avengers: Doomsday in December and various other upcoming Marvel projects.

I was very uncomfortable before leaving for the film. I was bleeding a little from my surgery (which was expected), but it was not pleasant. But I pushed through because Aaron was so excited to see the movie and I’m glad I did because it really was a fun experience. And because I knew the movie very well, I didn’t feel bad heading to the bathroom a couple of times. We didn’t end up watching any Star Trek. We still haven’t actually. When I do think of watching Strange New Worlds, Aaron isn’t around. And when he’s around, I don’t want to watch it at all. It just hasn’t been good enough. And also, I’ve just not been watching much of anything lately – while Aaron has been watching more than ever. I think he’s binged all of “Loki” since seeing the movie. I don’t think I’ve watched anything.

On Sunday (09-27-26) we stayed in. and mostly worked on our own projects. He mostly watched TV and played video games. I worked on my website and also played video games. I’m still playing Breath of the Wild. Still reading Magic’s Pawn. Nothing much has changed really. Oh. Except that on Sunday I weighed myself and I was down to 180.4.

I’ve said this a lot lately, but again, this is the lowest I’ve weighed in years. I’m still about 10 lbs over what I used to weigh most of the time, but I’ve come a long way. I’ve lost 40 lbs since last year and 30.6 of those lbs have been lost in the last 6 months. I’m doing really good work on my health. I feel good. There are other parts of my life that need work, but it’s a balance and a process and I think healthy ties into nearly everything else, so that’s really good.

Also, the pain from my September 18th procedure is gone now. That’s nice. And in the last few months I’ve struggled to feel sexual in any way, and I feel like some of that is coming back, due in part to several therapies and self-love type experiments. And all of that is contributing to my sense of wellbeing. There’s a lot of stress in my life currently, having to do with money and people that I love who need help (not with money) and I want to be there for them, and I’m worried that I’ll fuck that up somehow. But otherwise, I’m doing pretty well.

On Monday (09-28-26) I went out with Aaron to attend one of his pool games at the Metropolitan Bar in Brooklyn. I’d been there before with him, but it had been several years. Fun was had. I met several new players, one of whom, Parker, carried on a fun conversation. I also met random bar people (Tyler, Michael & Joseph), who entertained me. Those 3 and a 4th are roommates who live in Ridgewood. Michael and Joseph are brothers; Michael is 7 years older than Joseph, in his 30s while Joseph is 26 – they’re both from Georgia. Tyler is from Minnesota. They were so much fun to talk to. I hope we cross paths again someday, or if not, that they just continue to be fun people.

I stayed in on Tuesday (09-29-26). I had therapy, which was productive. And I got a lot of work done on my Marvel Multiverse Guide, finding a new format that seems to be perfect – except later I found that there was a problem that I either need to solve now or run into it multiple times, which would be exhausting. So I had to stop. Which was frustrating. So, I did a rudimentary guide for A Song of Ice and Fire, so I could feel like I finished something! lol

Aaron went to choir for the first time this season. I was working on all that and had some success and something I’ve struggled with for years. It doesn’t mean I’m cured, but it’s a positive experience and that’s good. Later I spoke to my grandmother on the phone before heading to bed, just as Aaron arrived home. I slept from about 10 to about 3. I got up to pee and came back to bed but the TV was on and it seemed to be too bright. I couldn’t tell if it was actually brighter than normal and that I should risk adjusting it (and possibly waking Aaron) or if I was just being hypersensitive to any light (which can be a problem for me), so I just decided to get up. I knew I wanted to work on my site. I worked on several collages, which will be posted at a later time – as I want to randomize them and post several at once. Then I wrote a poem, inspired by that collage. And then I wrote this blog entry.

I need to go shower with Aaron now (or cuddle if there is time).

All the songs from this Troye Sivan album are still stuck in my brain, so I just picked another of the songs today. “Fools” is where this blog entry title springs from, from “Blue Neighborhood”.

I really do need to run!

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I Know What You Are

I dream about you
and the way that you taste.

You are the MONSTER
who I can’t replace.

A minister fired
for dealing desire.

Sinister plyer
of feelings inspired.

The singular choir
who sings and then shoves me.

You are the spire
that towers above me.

You are the fire
which quells and then gloves me.

You are the liar
who tells me he loves me.

Written by Jason Wright
September 30, 2026

For Michael

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“I’m Down to My Skin and Bone”

This week has been tough. I’ve never done well with the change of the seasons and that’s what this week has felt like to me. Cooler weather can be fun, but we’re in that odd zone where if I go out side and I wear too little, I’m very cold, and if I wear just a little too much, I sweat profusely. Blah. I’m not a fan. But I’ll adjust. I always do.

The pain from my minor surgery on the 18th intensified on Tuesday the 22nd & Wednesday the 23rd, but seemed to disappear completely on the Thursday 24th, and remained gone for most of Friday the 25th before returning that night. Not so bad as it was but not as good as before. We’ll see how it goes today.

I got out for another walk on Wednesday, but I didn’t feel like walking to the park so I walked to an grocery store on Broadway that I used to get my food at every week, for years, only it’s not been years since I stepped into the place. I was curious what the prices were for foods that I usually have delivered these days, and it did seem to suggest that my deliveries are a bargain. I wore my old Hellraiser shirt that I bought in the 90s from Middle Earth in Ann Arbor, Michigan. My friends Paul & Darla had both gotten the same shirt from there. I’m still in touch with Paul and Darla, and Darla says she thinks she still has this shirt too, but Middle Earth has been gone for years.

Outside the grocery store there was an open patch in the sidewalk with flowers growing – which isn’t uncommon in New York. But what is very uncommon, is for those flowers to be Sunflowers. Giant yellow sunshine. We used to have have them growing in our garden on our farm in Michigan and seeing them here in the city made me smile.

I took the long way home, past one of the impressive churches in The Heights. When I got home I showered, and later put on a long sleeve shirt because the bedroom was chilly. Aaron said that I looked cute.

On Thursday I chopped up more Zucchini for our smoothies. It’s weird. A few months ago I’d never had a zucchini and now I have some every day. I can’t say that I crave them, because I don’t taste them at all, but I do like that I get nutrients from the various foods that I eat now, including this one.

Later I went for another walk, to another grocery store and compared prices again. Then, as before, I walked here and there. I ended up at 168th and took the train back to 181st, where I bought some whole wheat pita bread. On the train, a young woman approached me. When people come at me in public I still have this urge to put my guard up, because when people did this in Michigan they were invariably rude. In New York, when people approach me it is always with a compliment. This woman said she was sorry for staring but that my eyeliner was incredible and could I tell her what I use. I thanked her for the compliment and told her that I didn’t know what brand it was because I never pay attention. I buy 3 or 4 eyeliners from a beauty shop less than a block from where I live (she knew the one as soon as I listed my address) and I get that many because they don’t let you buy 1 with a credit card. I told her that I suspect it’s just practice, because I’m old. lol But I wished I’d had a brand to give her as I feel like I didn’t give her anything in value in return for the compliment, other than my thanks. Maybe I made her smile, and that’s something.

I was annoyed most of that day. The season finale of Strange New Worlds is out and the re-release of Avengers: Endgame (Encore), which has new footage and I’d been looking forward to both for months. We initially had plans to see both but I cancelled the Avengers due to my pain levels a few days before – and now I was painless, but having to dodge spoilers, which I hate doing. And SNW, has been so aimless the last few seasons that I’ve started to dread watching it, but the season finale is something I’ve been looking forward to – but to get there, I need to find time to watch 2 other episodes with Aaron and I just didn’t feel up to it. So, minor annoyances, but annoyances none the less. We have tickets to see Avengers: Endgame: Encore on at 1pm today and we can also try to get through Trek.

Friday I felt frazzled. Worn out. Low energy. I’d maintained weight – which is to say, that I hadn’t lost any, but that’s I’d also not gained any, which felt odd. Like I was treading water, or like nothing I was doing mattered. I’d actually gained some weight early in the week, which was annoying, but then I’d lost some of it…but now…nothing. The weather wasn’t fun and, after waking up at 3am, I worked on my website for something like 12 hours with no breaks. I just lost myself in working on a Star Wars viewing order, which is frustrating because I don’t want to share it until it is done, and it’s just taking a lot of time and energy, which I didn’t suspect. I have all these things as Google Sheets, but putting all that information into a new format is tricky and time consuming and my photoshop program was fucking with me for some reason. It was obnoxious. In the end I cranked out a page for the 4 Cat People films so I could post something, and then watched the season premiere of American Horror Story (S13E01 “13”) which was fine, but I feel like this season (which seems just as uneven as most of Ryan Murphy’s work) will land better if I re-watch what I’ve seen (“Freak Show”, “Asylum”, “NYC”, “Roanoke”, “Murder House” + bits of “1984”, “Hotel”, “Double Feature”, “Delicate”, & “Apocalypse”) and also watch what I’ve missed (preferably in the new order I’ve come up with) – as it’s essentially a sequel to everything else they’ve already done. I just don’t know that I can get through all of that. Later, my pain returned. Not as bad as before, but worse than it was. I played some Zelda, (which I’ve been finding very relaxing), read a bit and then went to sleep.

I woke up a few times but got back to sleep. I finally got up around 6am. I weighed myself and was very surprised to see that I’d lost weight again. I would have thought it was the reverse. But I’m actually lower than I have been in years. Again. I don’t like how my mood is so easily affected by my weight. I’ve never been like this. I mean, for years I struggled to keep weight on, and now that I’m losing it, with much more success than others that are close to me, I should be happier. I feel accomplished, but I also don’t really understand some of it. This week, my energy hasn’t been as good as it has at other times in this journey – I’ve exercised less. So I’m not clear how I’m losing weight. I guess I did have a lot of snacks last week, which I’ve mostly curtailed this week, but I wouldn’t imagine it having such a huge effect. I’m at a loss. I don’t understand. And I’d like to understand. I think if I understood how this all worked I could obsess over it less.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Ease”, a song by Australian singer Troye Sivan, from his 2015 first studio album “Blue Neighborhood”, which I purchased the day it was released, having randomly discovered his 2014 EP “Happy Little Pill”, which quickly became a favorite. I really only knew him as the kid who’d played James “Logan” Howlett, aka Wolverine, in the 2009 film “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”. But I liked what I heard and I quickly became a fan. I heard something that reminded me of him the other day and I’ve been listening to “Blue Neighborhood” while I’ve been walking this week; it makes me nostalgic for traveling around Manhattan, because I used to listen to it on the train a lot. I don’t usually just play a single song from the album, I usually listen to the whole thing, so it was difficult picking one today, as they’re all sort of swirling in my head. Music gets stuck in my head all the time – sometimes to a degree that annoys me. I’m sure that others experience this, but I also think that most people don’t have this nearly constant soundtrack going on in there heads, or maybe not to the same degree. It feels like a problem. Intrusive thoughts. Ugh.

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“Today Was Gonna Be The Day”

I’m having a slice of Dave’s Good Seed thin sliced bread, toasted with butter and chia seeds. Peanuts, almonds, pecans, some plantain chips and a kiwi. Sipping a buka black raspberry bai boost. It’s a bit after midnight, so September 22, 2026.

Yesterday, Monday, September 21, I went to bed around 5am. I hadn’t noticed it was so late but I managed to sleep without my usual dose of sleeping medication, which was nice. I also read a bit more of “Magic’s Pawn”, which I’m reading very slowly. I believe I’m in Chapter 4. Honestly, I usually start with this chapter, as that’s when I feel like the book starts getting good, but since I’m waiting for a sequel to be released, I decided I’d read the whole book this time.

I slept until around noon. So, about 7 hours. I wanted to eat healthy today and I wanted to make sure I got outside and got some exercise. I managed to do all that. I had a couple of blueberry / zucchini smoothies. I had a pita with lettuce, hummus and Italian salad dressing. I had an egg wrap with hummus and olives. I walked 2 miles. My legs were fine, no pain, no discomfort, but walking home I was sweating and my nose was running. I was tired. I showered and took a brief nap. Later I had 8 tots, 4 cauliflower, 4 broccoli and cheese. I also had some fiber infused water.

I played a bit of Zelda, but not too long. Maybe an hour? I worked on my website a bit.

Aaron didn’t go to the clinic today. He called into work but felt a bit better as the day went on. That’s good. He skipped going to pool though. He’s stressed and sick and tired. We’re having some money problems and he was putting in a grocery order on my Amazon card and I told him I didn’t feel comfortable using that card until I can pay it off. He said that we’d be able to do that on Friday, and I told him that I would then cancel my groceries until that happens – and that I have food, which I can stretch out until then. He was upset. He said that his money problems are now affecting my eating, but really, if it’s gonna change on Friday I’ll be fine. I mean, another goal of mine today was to not spend any money, and I didn’t. I didn’t buy anything. I didn’t take the train. I didn’t go to Starbucks. I should also have some food stamps left that I can pick something up at the grocery store this week.

I’m tired. Maybe I should go to bed.

Oh. I rescheduled a test I was going to have with my cardiologist this week, until I can fully heal from Friday’s procedure. I have therapy tomorrow (or later today, I should say).
If I go to bed I can read a little before I pass out. But I might linger a bit here first. We’ll see.


Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Wonderwall” by Oasis as covered by American musician Ryan Adams, which was released on “Love Is Hell”, his fifth studio album, which was originally released as two EPs, “Love Is Hell pt. 1” (which featured the track) and “Love Is Hell pt. 2”.

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