Tough day, which started out good. I had a productive therapy session. I also watched some TV, watching the first episode of “Spider-Noir” and continuing my re-watch of Star Trek: Discovery. The former reminds me a lot of “Agent Carter”, which is a good thing. And the latter viewing featured one of my favorite episodes, so that was all good. I got STD tests on Friday, which all came back clear and that was also good news…
But I had some blood work done at my doctor’s appointment on Friday, which goes with the STD testing. I expected good or great results. I mean, I’ve been more active in the last month. I cut out ice cream a few months ago. I started drinking smoothies. I cut back on chips and snacks. And I’ve been adding fiber to everything for at least a couple of years. I just felt like everything was going great. But it’s not. Oddly, I was fine at my last appointment 3 months ago. So this really knocked me on my ass.
And while I freaked out a bit… I mean, I felt like I was hit by a train, I didn’t cut. I didn’t cry. I didn’t give up. And what I did do was let myself have a Xanax. Then I drank some water and I made an appointment with a nutritionist – because food and I are not the best of friends, and there’s a lot that I don’t understand, so I’ll need that help. And I made an appointment with one of my primary doctors (because I officially have 2). I got outside. I also cancelled my night out with Isaiah and his poetry group. I just didn’t feel up to meeting new people and pretending I was fine. I’m not fine. But I’m also not destroyed. I’ll improve. I can do this. It’s just a bit of an unexpected setback and I don’t think getting better is going to be fun, which sucks.
On top of that I started having horrible lower back pain that can sometimes mean a kidney stone is moving, and I know for certain that I have at least 2, which my doctors have been monitoring on an annual basis. But they have provided me with medication for when these things occur, which I took when I realized something might be going on.
I’m actually very tired. I slept 6 hours last night and expected to sleep more but that didn’t happen. Maybe I’ll get to bed early.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Seven Devils” by Florence + the Machine, from their 2011 album “Ceremonials”.