Tag: Aaron Sanko

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“I Did All My Best To Smile”

This week there was Marvel news and I’m sure there will be more tomorrow. This excites me. I’m a huge Marvel fan, so there’s that.

I got outside for several walks this week. I’ve lost weight. I was actually thinking that I weighed 207 pounds in March, but it turns out, I actually weighed 211 pounds then – and I now weigh under 194, so that’s a considerable amount of weight lost, and I’ve not been doing anything crazy. I’m just making healthier choices in my diet and getting a bit more exercise than I had been. So that’s pretty exciting, because since I’m enjoying this time, I feel like this might be something I can keep up with and not worry about it all coming back, as I’ve heard others talk about. I was originally aiming to get to 180lbs but my program says that my ideal weight 172lbs. It also told me recently that my “metabolic age” was 52, which I thought was fair since I’ll be 52 in just a few weeks, but now I’m down to age 51, so I’m assuming that’s a good thing? I’m so clueless about this stuff. But that’s just what I make sure to tell my doctors. Treat me like I don’t know anything, because if it relates to food or exercise, I probably don’t know much! lol But I’m doing great. And I think I’m finding a good balance between what I love, what I enjoy and what is good for me. It’s not about giving up everything, it’s about balancing it out with other options, which I also like. My snack plates lately are all fruits and seeds and things, but I legitimately didn’t notice or think about it until Aaron pointed it out to me. I just thought they were fun choices. lol Oh, and I’m cutting some sugar from my smoothies now; putting 3 quarters of a cup of fruit in (instead of a full cup) and then using a quarter cup of zucchini, which is great for you, apparently, but which I’d never had before. I can’t taste a difference, so that’s great.

I’m so fucking tired. I woke up at 2am when Aaron got up for something. And then I realized that today was Brian Lounsberry’s 50th birthday. Or it would have been. And then I knew I needed to write something and I got up. And I did write something. And also rewrote an older poem that I’ve often referred to, but have never been truly happy with. So that’s accomplished. I should probably be trying to write this in some semblance of order.

Monday we got the first “Avengers: Doomsday” trailer, which I posted. Excited for that. Tuesday we got the final “Spider-Man: Brand New Day” trailer and I’m excited for that. Later I took the train to the park and then walked home, which is about a mile.

July 21, 2026. Not bad for nearly 52 and having been 220 lbs in my recent past.

Tuesday (July 21) I had therapy that went well. I’m sure there was some kind of drama that day but I can’t remember what it was. Oh. And we watched another Star Trek: The Next Generation episode (S03E10 “The Defector”) – which we both enjoyed and had both forgotten most of. Indeed, I had mistaken the plot in my head for a completely different subplot from a different Trek episodes (S06E14 “Face of the Enemy”), which in my defense, also involves the Romulans and a defector, but in that case, it’s a human defector who joined the Romulans and returns to the Federation – I remember that actor and that story and assumed that this Season 3 Romulan episode about a defector was the same thing. But it wasn’t. lol So that was kind of funny.

Wednesday (July 22): Aaron went on a walk with me. We went to Starbucks on our way home and the barista complimented my “whole vibe”, which I’m not sure I thanked her for, which makes me feel like a jerk. Really, I’m just caught off guard when people compliment me.

Thursday (July 23): I went for a walk. There was plenty of drama though. We’re going to Florida next week, but it’s quite a lot of stress for me as I’d rather not travel and I wasn’t planning on going at all, but the trip got moved up and if I want to see Spider-Man with Aaron, which I do, I have to go. And there are issues with me going but we talked it out and we’re reducing the risk of all that as much as we can – and if it’s bad, I’ll either come home earlier, or go to a hotel or something.

Later I rewatched “Thunderbolts*” for the first time since seeing it in theaters. I think I enjoyed it about the same as the first time, but I forgot how much I cried during the second half, so I was bawling for awhile. lol Then right after that, Aaron and I watched the new Season 4 premiere of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (S04E01 “Valles Marineris”), which we both enjoyed, despite both of us being a bit distracted by other things.

Also, someone betrayed Aaron this week. I’m sure he had his reasons, but it was really horrible and I knew that Aaron was hurt but I didn’t think there was much that I could do. On top of that, it left him in a very precarious position as far as his company is concerned, but that was solved in a truly gracious manner that I will forever be grateful for.

I went to bed after Trek, going to bed around 9 and drifting off around 10. And then Aaron woke me up around 2 and now we’re up to date.

I’m going back to bed.

Today’s journal title song quote comes from “Song to the Siren” by various different bands that I enjoy, but the most popular seems to be This Mortal Coil; but it was written by by Tim Buckley and Larry Beckett and released by them in 1970. The version by This Mortal Coil was released as their first single in 1983 and then on their album “It’s End in Tears” in 1984.

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“Most Unusual, So Peculiar”

The weekend, which was quite sexy, featured some reconnecting with some friends (via text), uploading lots of older poems (about 100 I think), creating and posting several more Jason collages (which makes me feel very vain, even if I’m cutting everyone else out to protect them) and finally watching 2 major finales: “Heartstopper Forever” and the Season 1 finale of “The Vampire Lestat (S01E07 “The Failures”) – both had me crying.

Aaron and I watched “Heartstopper: Forever” on Saturday (after finishing Season 3 on Friday). We both felt the film served as a very good series finale, which are always very difficult to pull off in a satisfying way. We felt that it wasn’t quite perfect, but again, was better than average – or – one of the better series finales that we’ve ever seen. I was impressed by several elements, including a powerful scene calling out the rollback of trans rights, and also how the film (and the series in general) did a really good job of giving everyone a moment to shine before all was said and done.

The season finale of “The Vampire Lestat” was weird and a little disjointed, but similar to “Interview With the Vampire”, this feels like the first half of a larger story, even if the next half is a different novel, “The Queen of the Damned” – but that’s how the books felt too. The story for the episode gave rise to adaptations of several moments from the novels, including a horrific aside from “The Vampire Armand” and what I think was a reference to “Memnoch the Devil” – but I read both of those books when they were new and haven’t ever read them again – more than 26 years ago? So I’m amazed that I remember these things. I should reread them all. A few years ago I reread the first 3 and started the 4th + I reread “Prince Lestat”, “The Witching Hour”, “Lasher” and part of “Taltos”. I’d like to read all of Rice’s novels someday. I read nearly everything up to “Blood Canticle” but there are several after that which I never even owned, so there’s a lot left to explore.

As I mentioned briefly, there were some sexy shenanigans this weekend, which I won’t share here. And there were also plans for more, which is exciting.

Edit: I lied, as I feel I won’t remember what the fuck I was talking about if I ever read this again. lol There was a threesome. I don’t need to go into the details because I’m sure I’ll remember those. lol I have an odd history with threesomes, actually. There were several in the 90s, but I was always the third and most of those were boy / boy / girl. But in my current relationship (which has lasted nearly 15 years so far) I’ve had 3 threesomes (all men), all of which have been spectacular in very different ways, though not without consequence. Still, overall, the experiences have been extremely positive. That should do it.

I might be going on a trip back to the Florida house. But that remains unclear. If I go, it would likely be over a week from now. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about that, but maybe I’ll talk about that more when I’ve decided.

This week will mark the beginning of the penultimate season of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, which I’m mostly excited about. I didn’t actually love Season 3 (which I’ve never rewatched) and I feel like I don’t really want to rewatch it or Season 4 until we have Season 5, which won’t likely arrive until next year. I hope the series ends well. But also, I’m curious to see how this season plays out. And despite how it might sound, I do look forward to seeing the entire series in context – I’m just a little sad that we only have 16 episodes left and that it might take a long time to get those last 6.

The other big news coming this week likely has to do with Marvel. Tickets for Avengers: Doomsday go on sale this week and Marvel returns to Hall H at San Diego Comic Con this Saturday – so the first trailer is likely imminent. There will also likely be news of other Marvel programs on the way; Spider-Man: Brand New Day opens next week, but there other projects in the pipeline like Avengers: Endgame Encore, VisionQuest, Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man Season 2, Daredevil: Born Again Season 3, Spider-Man: Beyond the Spider-Verse, X-Men ’97 Season 3, Marvel Zombies Season 2 and probably others, so there’s a lot that could be discussed. Personally, I’m hoping for news about VisionQuest which is what I’m most looking forward to – and nervous about. But…keeping in line with tradition, we have something scheduled during the panel, which means that my plans to sit at home reading the news as it pours in, are unlikely, unless I’m not feeling well that day or just decide otherwise. We’ll see.

Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Status Report” which a song on the soundtrack to a musical episode of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (S02E09 “Subspace Rhapsody”) featuring the cast discovering that they are all singing for some reason. I love this episode.





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“My Superstitious Games”

What happened this week? Well, I got outside a few times but stayed in a lot as well, mostly because we keep getting alerts that our air quality is poor and on some days there have been alerts that it could be dangerous for anyone to go outside. Nightmarish stuff.

Wednesday I watched the new X-Men ’97 episode (S02E05 “Weapon X, Lies, and DVDs”) and another of the original animated series (S03E19 “Love in Vain”) – which means I have 2 seasons left of the original show and 4 more of the current season of the newer program. Later that night I had a bit of a freakout about food. I wanted to cut for the first time in a long time, and many of the things I would normally do to ride that wave out weren’t possible. It was incredibly hot outside. Our water was being worked on so I couldn’t take a shower. And I couldn’t actually tackle food because the water line is in the kitchen, so there was a guy in there working on it, and the counters were covered with his tools. It was tricky, but I was able to communicate with Aaron, who was wonderful.

Once I’d calmed down, we started watching Season 3 of Heartstopper. I watched the initial season in a single sitting before getting Aaron into it. We binged Season 2 together the day it was released but I’ve put off watching Season 3 because I knew it had a major storyline about disordered eating – and I was worried that could be triggering (which it was) – but the film that wraps up the whole series was released today so now’s the time to watch it all.

The thing is, at a certain point, the character in question speaks to his parents about it, having written down his thoughts in advance, and asks for help. I did that too, 30 years ago, in late May of 1996. The character also says that he feels like something horrible will happen if he eats. That was jarring. That’s what happens with me. And I’ve never heard anyone else describe it that way. I told my therapist about this on Thursday and she said she’d also never heard anyone describe it like that. The reason is, the character also has OCD (which I don’t), so he has all these rules in place about how and when he can eat. But that’s where we are different. My disordered eating is the result of trauma, related to food, but the food part is essentially a symptom of my PTSD. Still, it was very similar. And hearing it outloud on a TV show I was crying. And Aaron, who has heard me all this time, he was crying. And we were also both crying because the character’s boyfriend is in a similar position to what Aaron has had to learn and struggle with due to my condition. It really resonated. Due to the ongoing story we watched the season in bursts, rather than in one go, so I could make sure that I was okay. But we finished the last episode a bit ago (On Friday, July 17, 2026) and we’ll watch the movie tomorrow. The season has been rough, but very good and I’m hoping the movie wraps the stories up nicely.

As mentioned already, I saw my therapist (in person) on Thursday. I wore a Catherine Wheel shirt. I’ve really enjoyed getting dressed up and going out lately. Maybe it’s because I’ve lost some weight? Or maybe it’s because I’ve come to the conclusion that wearing sunblock, which I’ve always hated but needed due to my vitiligo, is probably why I look so much younger than basically everyone I grew up with – so I look forward to wearing it now. My appointment went well. I had a lot to talk about with the TV story and how I’d dedicated the black iced tea to my mom the week before. She was surprised that it has been 5 years since my mother died. We’d had 2 or 3 weeks off from each other when I told her originally, and I will always remember her shock that my mother had passed, and how I was dealing with it, and all the things that came with that.

I went to bed early last night. I didn’t really sleep well though, doing my old split shift routine, where I sleep for 4 hours, get up for a few, then lay back down for another couple of hours. It’s fine. I felt rested. And I ate well today. A lot of fruit, veggies, water, smoothies, nuts and seeds. I just ordered some more varieties to try in the coming days. I’m very tired but wanting to finish this before I sleep. I did several collages for my photos section. I wrote a new poem the other day, though I’m not sure I like it. I need to start posting more poetry again soon, and movie reviews. I was doing so well at first but it’s become a bit intimidating; I don’t like trying to find where I left off – I’m so disorganized!

Today’s journal entry title music quote is from “Crank” by Catherine Wheel, from their 1993 album “Chrome”. I didn’t discover the band until 1993, but I found them by randomly picking up their first CD – and they became my favorite group. I also didn’t learn that the second album existed until 1995 when they used to play this song at City Club in Detroit. I was so associated with the song that one of my friends (Steve) came rushing to tell me that my song was being played. I’ve probably shared this song here before and likely will again. Love this band. Love this track. Love this album.

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Recent Events

Exhibited signs
describe a voyeur…

Prohibited lines
inscribe this auteur…

I am subliminal
inside my screams.

I am a criminal
inside my dreams.

The fire divides me…
Desire inside me

provokes the despairing
with no stroke or sound.

The fair sky has reddened…
Disguised Armageddon…

Smoke alarms blaring;
no smoke to be found.

I dream of eavesdropping.
My heart isn’t stopping.
As man that we watch speaks the same words as me.

Lies leave the feared thrall.
Eyes see as tears fall.

Time stops as stopwatch seeks the crosswords in me.

Written by Jason Wright
July 16, 2026

These were just a handful of musings about different things from my week. For instance, our smoke alarms (which are very loud) went off several times for no reason that we can fathom. But there was heavy smoke in the sky from forest fires in Canada, which made the sky look really creepy, which someone described to be as “Armageddon like”. I had dreams of listening in on conversations and sexual experiences. I also had something like nightmares after watching several YouTube videos about serial killers. Go figure! lol

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“I Don’t Have Nothing to Say”

I did stay home today. I played Mario Kart with Chris and Tristan and Aaron when it was time, but they had been out in the heat and I think it had made Aaron a little cranky; he didn’t have a chance to clean up in the same way that they had, and we also had far less time together than originally scheduled. I got some work done on several projects. And I tried to catch up on some of the TV I’ve fallen behind on. I watched:

X-Men ’97 S02E01 Days of Past Future
X-Men ’97 S02E02 A Force to Be Reckoned With
The Vampire Lestat S01E03 or Interview with the Vampire S03E03 Toronto

The new season of X-Men ’97 is still as good as the first, with several moments that made me cheer and / or tear up. But I cry during everything, so YMMV. Lestat continues to be a very different (and slightly less even) adaptation than Interview With the Vampire. It’s not bad but I’m not certain that some of the new framing actually works, and won’t know until I can see the completed picture. There are many changes to the source material, like the previous adaptation, but there were many lines that I knew were actually from the book, so I’m engaged with the material and curious to see where the series goes next. I do have another episode, with another airing tomorrow, but I think I’m done for the night – though I may watch them tomorrow? I also have another X-Men ’97 episode to watch, with another out this Tuesday, but I think I’m done with that as well for now. I’m enjoying both series and want them to last – only both have relatively short seasons; Season 1 of Lestat (which is how I think of it) is only 7 episodes long and will be done 2 weeks from tomorrow, while X-Men ’97 has 9 episodes this season and will be done 5 weeks from Tuesday. And I have plenty more to watch, which is nice, but is also starting to feel like work, rather than fun.

It was raining, but I think it has stopped.

This journal title song quote is brought to you from “Raining in Baltimore” by Counting Crows, from their 1993 debut studio album, “August and Everything After”, which never fails to conjure memories of that autumn when I was dating Jeff Rodriguez, but also Shawn Foreman (circa summer of 2000), who loved them. I’ve got lots of memories tied to various songs from the album as well, including this one, which I tried to mix with a spoken word piece (which tied into the lyrics of the song rather nicely) – and which likely would have worked, only I got sidetracked by another project and just never got back to it.

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“Don’t You Think It’s Time for Bed?”

I’ve been meaning to write the last few days but I’ve gotten a bit behind. I did major updates on the photos and viewing orders, and we’ve been busy with other things. I’d probably skip this tonight as well, but we’re going to have visitors this weekend and our schedule is packed. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do everything that Aaron has planned but I’ll try.

Back to our Michigan trip. On Sunday (June 28, 2026), we visited my maternal grandmother (Frances), my youngest maternal aunt (Marge), and my older sister (Janice), with cameos by a couple of cousins, Marge’s oldest son (Michael) and his son (Dajr). I feel like I’m describing all this rather oddly, but I’m really tired – so forgive me.

Grandma told us the sweetest thing before we left. When I met Aaron in late 2011 he was preparing for a February concert, The Broadway We Love, which featured him singing all these Broadway tunes for charity. There was a cd of the concert, which I gave to my grandmother and I knew she listened to it at the time, but she told Aaron that she still listens to it and that when he sings about cellophane, she rocks her shoulders back and forth and it makes her feel good. She doesn’t really follow musical theater, but I knew right away she was talking about the song “Mr. Cellophane” from the 1975 American musical “Chicago”. It makes me smile every time I think about it.

We left around 5:30 to meet our friend Jessie and my oldest Nephew Justin at Pizza House in Ann Arbor. Justin had never been there, which shocked me. We told him all sorts of stories about our adventures there in the past and the conversation in general was really great. Justin and Jesse are some of the most interesting people I know, and everyone was pleased with food, and the evening was lovely.

After dinner we went to Uplift to play some pool, unaware that they were hosting a drag event, so there were far more people that the previous time we went there. Pool was played. Drag was performed. We said goodnight to Jesse and drove Justin back to his car. He seemed interested in going camping with us. I wonder if that will happen?

We headed back to the hotel. I packed most of my things and went to bed. We sorted everything in the morning and we headed to the airport. Later we learned that my medication that had seemed to have never been sent had actually arrived within 24 hours of us but they just never sent me a tracking number – but by the time we found out we were already in New York. So the saga of the meds continues. We got some more out of pocket from a local pharmacy until we can get the one that was sent to Michigan.

I randomly got bumped up to First Class. I was in the first row all by myself. It didn’t actually feel like much of an upgrade but I was reading all the way home, so it was fine. I finished reading “Rock” yesterday? Or maybe the day before? I don’t know. The the first book I’ve finished in ages. I found out there is a sequel or a spin-off or something, which I downloaded but I haven’t started it yet. I had therapy on Tuesday, which went well. I’ve spoken to Katie this week. Aaron’s sister and brother-in-law will be arriving tomorrow for a weekend of fun.

I’m behind on all my TV shows. So many. I’m watching “Daredevil” (Season 3), rewatched Star Trek: Discovery (on Season 3 of that too), I’m 2 episodes behind on “The Vampire Lestat”, with a third arriving this Sunday. I’m 3 episodes behind on “X-Men ’97”. I’m 7 episodes behind on “Spider-Noir”. I’m sure there’s more. It’s starting to bother me though. I just never seem to have time, despite staying mostly indoors this week due to the heatwave.

I’ve continued to eat healthy since I got home. In Michigan I had McDonald’s a couple of times, and had some chips. But I also had smoothies and egg whites while I was there, which was nice. I feel like there’s more but I’m so tired, I just want to go to bed.

Aaron and I continued our Re-Trek with TNG S03E05 “The Bonding”, which continues the streak of good or great Season 3 episodes. I had some minor quibbles. Deanna Troi’s heterosexist comment of a future wife for Jeremy Astor felt outdated and annoying. How spoiled I have become by modern Trek! There were a few other bits, the most glaring being that Jeremy Astor is set up to be a recurring character of a sort but he never even mentioned again, or at least not that I can remember. It feels like a rare misstep with Worf’s storylines. This also felt like the first of the Deanna / Worf storylines, which continue throughout the series. I look forward to seeing more soon, but I doubt we’ll be able to see any until after this weekend, unfortunately.

Today’s song quote title comes from “Sexy Nerd” by Jonny McGovern; a song from his 2012 album “The Gayest of All Time”, which started playing on my phone as I was finishing this post. It’s on a playlist I made on Amazon Music titled “LGBTQ”.


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“Don’t Think I’ve Left You All Behind”

So, Aaron and I are home after several days away. Here’s how June 24 & June 25 unfolded…

Wednesday (June 24, 2026), Aaron and I flew to Michigan out of Great Plains, New York, which we’d never done before, usually leaving from LaGuardia, JFK or Newark. It was fine, though much smaller than what we’re used to. I found it charming. Aaron didn’t love it, but our flight was smooth and fast, with no troubles.

Aaron’s mother, Mary Ellen, and her longtime boyfriend Mark, picked us up from the airport, as they often do. They let us borrow Mary Ellen’s car but we went to a restaurant together. The food was good and the company was great. I was happy to be with them and happy to be back in Michigan. I love Michigan. It isn’t home anymore, but it is packed with memories and many people that I adore. We headed to our hotel. I toyed with going out but decided to stay in as I can get worn out pretty easily and we had a lot planned. I read a bit before bed – and I slept well, which isn’t surprising as I’d gotten up very early. Oh…and as I was off the medication that had been crushed in the mail, I was sick all day.

On Thursday (June 25, 2026), the pharmacy let me by purchase 7 days worth of my meds out of pocket. My online pharmacy was supposed to have sent me more but they never sent a tracking number so I figured it was delayed. Aaron went to the rehearsal for his cousin’s wedding. Meanwhile, my sister Janice picked me up and then our father (with my nephew Jordan along for the adventure), taking us to Aubree’s Pizzeria & Grill (the same place I’d gone the day before). Our cousin Joy and her partner Nate joined us as well. A fun time was had by all. After we parted ways with Joy and Nate, Janice took Jordan to Kroger to get groceries and then we dropped him off, followed by our father soon after.

Janice took me to pick up Aaron’s dry cleaning for the wedding and then we headed out for Mooreville to visit with Grandma (Frances Phillips), our step-father (Douglas L. Canell) and our Aunt Marge White. I took lots of pictures of the countryside on our way from Ann Arbor; I’ve always thought it was beautiful there, but I didn’t start taking pictures of it until after I moved to New York.

I had such a wonderful visit with my family.

Janice drove me back to my hotel. I got ready for bed. I read more of my book and slept well again.

To Be Continued…

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Pink Pony Club” from the 2023 debut studio album by the American singer-songwriter Chappell Roan, “The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess”.

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“We Took Photographs of Everything”

On Wednesday (June 17) Aaron and I had an eye doctor appointment, only to find out that my insurance only covers a visit every two years, so I headed home. I had a VNS monthly interview; I was recently recertified for services. There was a new Spider-Man: Brand New Day trailer and tickets went on sale for the movie.

That night after I got read for bed I had a phone conversation with my cousin Joy, which was long overdue, delightful – but extensive. So extensive that I didn’t actually get to bed until about 3am. Fine.

I slept well, though waking up without Aaron (on June 18) was a shock. The week has flown by and I’d forgotten that Aaron was working from the office. Additionally, there had been storms off and on and I woke up with a severe migraine that got worse. I took all the things and I did laundry in preparation to attend Aaron’s Stonewall Chorale Pride Concert, which I’d asked Aaron to get me a ticket for, so I did not want to cancel, because I only had a ticket because I asked, plus I love the choir and I wanted to be there for the fun! Only, again, the migraine didn’t leave and later I learned that Aaron hadn’t gotten me the ticket, so I begged out of going to get a ticket at the door and stayed home. I didn’t go out. I didn’t watch TV or movies or read or play video games. It was so bad that I couldn’t really do anything fun. Aaron later assured me that this was the right call as there was a bit of drama, a late start to the show and there was no air conditioning. Bullet dodged. I still would have liked to have gone to support him and to see everyone though. I guess Victor Garber was there and I would likely have said hello to him. Oh well.

I updated my photos section this morning. I have more updates I’d like to do. And I’m still behind on several viewing orders that are in various stages of preparation, so I have stuff to work on. Aaron has today off and at some point, likely after 6, we’ll watch The Sound of Music. We got our Spider-Man: Brand New Day tickets today. July 30 at 3pm. Awesome.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Dream State (Run From It)” by American post rock band Son Lux, from their fifth studio album, Brighter Wounds. It was the theme song to HBO’s “The Vow”, which I’ve been rewatching.

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“I Kept Waiting For You to Find What I See in You”

June 16, 2026. Aaron’s 42nd Birthday. He was 27 when I met him. He bought me the Zelda Pride shirt last summer. I gave him the Star Trek Pride shirt today. <3

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I cuddled and showered with Aaron on the morning of his 42nd birthday. He had to work. Meanwhile, I scheduled multiple appointments with multiple doctors: a possibly hypnotherapy appointment that both my therapist and G.I. Specialist have been recommending (which took jumping through several hoops to accomplish), the bone density test that my G.I. Doctor recommended, the endocrinologist that my favorite doctor recommended + an appointment for an anal pap smear, which he’s wanted me to have for years but in the past, nobody in New York didn’t them for men, but now he has someone who does. So that was a lot. At least for me. I tend to struggle with making any appointments at all, but several of the appointments pertain to things that should have been taken care of (or at least checked out) a long time ago, so it felt like overdue and also very satisfying to get that stuff done. At one point my bone density test was scheduled for this Friday, but Aaron has the day off and wants to spend it with me, so I moved it to Monday, which he appreciated – and said he’ll drive me to that appointment to make up for the delay.

The parking structure used to host a gay bar.

I had ordered 3 gifts for Aaron but I didn’t get gift bags or wrapping paper. I decided I’d go find some. Only I went to Target and several pharmacies and nobody had either item. And I didn’t even see anything that looked like it might be an option. But as I wandered through the Heights, looking for a solution, I happened across this location, which was the home of a gay bar when we first moved to New York. Our sublet was at 173rd and Broadway, a little less than 4 blocks away. I went there a few times. It was called “No Parking”, which was ironic, since it was located inside of a parking structure. I just looked it up, and the bar opened in 2006 and closed in 2014. I knew it had been gone a long time, but I also knew I’d been there in early 2013. And here are the photos to prove it: This is me, Addison, Alyssa “Aly” Thomas and Jose Antonio Ponce. I worked with Addison and Alyssa at Starbucks and Jose was a cute customer of ours.

I stopped at my pharmacy on the way back to pick up some medication, and I was a sweaty mess when I got home from the excessive heat. But I had to jump right into a meeting with someone to finish scheduling one of those appointments I spoke of earlier. I also spoke to my cousin Katie for a bit and realized I could wrap Aaron’s gift with tissue paper I’d gotten for an art project last year. I wrapped his 3 gifts with different colors: Red, Black and Blue. He loved his presents. And then he was off to choir.

My eating in the last several days has been great and fun. I hope it lasts. I’ve started eating pitas, which probably sounds silly to most people, who’ve had them all their lives, but I’d never had one before. They’re really good – and the opposite of what I generally enjoy. I was looking over what I’ve been eating lately, and without even trying too hard, for the last several months I’ve drastically increased my servings of fruit and vegetables. Yesterday for example, I had a cup of blueberries, a cup of cherries, some green olives, chickpeas, sesame seeds, chia seeds, flax seeds, french onion & lettuce. The day before was similar but also featured broccoli, cauliflower & zucchini. And again, this has just sort of fallen into place in a way that seems magical to me. If you’d told me my diet would be so markedly changed last year, I wouldn’t have believed you. I would have thought it impossible. Truly impossible. This change is in complete opposition to my previous experiences. But this is in part why I’ve been in therapy for so long. I’m just starting to see some results and that’s really gratifying.

The night wound down and I got ready for bed. I’m re-watching The Vow. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because I engage with it but can do so without paying a lot of attention, having seen it before. I watched an episode, then shut it off and fell asleep shortly after 10. I woke up at 4, had a blueberry smoothie and wrote this.

Today’s journal entry music quote comes from “Cherry”, the 2013 single from former electronic music band Chromatica.

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“There’s Promise in the Air”


When I saw my dietician on Wednesday, she gave me a mountain of new information to incorporate into my life. I was grateful. I told her I was, because although she communicated a lot of information that wasn’t always easy to hear, she did this with compassion and humor, with wit and with care. I have already tried several things she recommended, which have been emotionally complicated to say the least. But she gave me some worksheets with some notes and I sat down today to try to make sense of them. I asked Aaron questions as he’s quite educated on these topics and he loves me, so he’s very careful with what he says and how he presents things, but he’s also clearly excited to see that I’m considering these things in a healthier way than I ever have in the past.

We put in a grocery order, which features mostly healthy foods and several of which I’ve never tried before. And I’m thinking about meals in the day and what they need to accomplish, which isn’t really how I’ve done this sort of thing in the past. I did try a few times, in therapy, but figuring out this or that food and the ramifications of them really dragged me down. This feels different, but like an extension of the work I did there. I think I’m going to have an interesting conversation with my therapist this week.

I’m excited for the possibilities of my personal growth in these matters, but I also know that I’m going to need to practice what I’m learning. I don’t want to be complacent or to fail because I’m not paying enough attention. The part of me which has been trapped within the trauma of my childhood is paying attention and so far, he seems curious, even if he throws a tantrum now and again. I think he knows I’m trying to help him just much as I’m trying to help myself and that’s appreciated. It’s only when I ignore him that things get really bad.

I took care of some banking stuff. I’ve been handling my “banking stuff” for something like 10 years now? And off and on before that. But it used to be very stressful. And right now, it’s not. And that’s nice.

I bought a Xanadu shirt. It was on sale.

I also tried to write down what I need to accomplish at my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My doctors are awesome, which is why I see them, but I can really struggle with talking to them about the things that matter. It’s like my brain falls out of my head every time I go into those places. I’ve worked to overcome that, with some positive effect, but it’s still a struggle. Part of that work has involved preparation, like I’m doing now. Hopefully I can avoid any real trouble tomorrow and pave the way for more positive experiences in the near future.

I would like to speak to Jessica A. Gerson, PhD, about possibly joining one of her groups. She’s a psychologist who does group work, sometimes involving hypnosis, to help people dealing with G.I. disorders. Both my therapist and my G.I. doctor have separately recommended Dr. Gerson to me, which is kind of funny, because my G.I. doctor and my therapist are friends also. I like that they all know one another. They can also all see each others notes in my file, which is how I feel all medical teams should be – as they’re all treating me, I’d rather they have all the information to work with. I can’t make an appointment (or broach the subject) with Dr. Gerson today though because of office hours. I’d like to try to do so before my therapy appointment later this week, just so I can tell my therapist I did. I mean, I want to do it for myself, but I’m also aware that I’ve been talking to my therapist about it, off and on, for at least a year – and I had totally forgotten about it in recent weeks, even with my other doctor also recommending the treatment. I don’t want to lose this chance because I can’t focus on it.

I need to reapply for my Snap Benefits which I could do today. It has to be done by August and I do want to do it today but I also need to find time to eat and spend time with Aaron, and I also want to go for a real walk, as I haven’t done so in days. Actually yesterday marked the first day I didn’t go outside at all after 41 consecutive days going out. I was exhausted yesterday, barely sleeping the night before and I wanted to push through and go out but then our elevator was down again and I just thought, fuck off. Instead I got ready for bed and I slept very well. But I want to get outside today. I don’t want there to be a habit of not going out.

Also, I need to remember that I want to try to get in touch with Alec on the second floor. And Isaiah. And Christopher. Actually, Christopher spoke about me going to a bar with him this Tuesday. Maybe I can do that? We’ll see.

Today’s journal entry song quote comes from “Magic” by Olivia Newton-John from the soundtrack to the 1980 movie musical, “Xanadu”. My sister had this record when I was a kid, the 45. I could read the word Xanadu and assumed it was the company logo of the record company, somewhat ironically, given some of the subject matter in the film. I also thought the song was about my sister. I later caught the TV premiere of the film, by accident, and was shocked to learn that this was where the music came from. A few years later, when we had a VCR, I recorded it of television and it became a favorite of mine. I owned the soundtrack on cassette and CD. I have a digital copy. And though it’s become a somewhat iconic gay favorite, it feels very personal to me, and while I’m happy that others enjoy it, I think I would hate to see it in a theater where everyone was singing along to the film. But I feel the same way about the Rocky Horror Picture Show – which I’ve seen with the audience participation multiple times, but I knew then, that aside from seeing friends perform, I’d much rather see the film at home. And that’s really how I am now with movies in general.

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