So, my “date” with Glenn went well, despite several delays. I made it outside again. I took the train despite not having my music (my headphones didn’t charge for some reason). And all was eventually right with the world. I even ate. There was wonderful conversation, a lot of laughter and some real emotion. Followed by a terrific show at 54 Below, where we both knew many of the people involved. It was great fun. And the music they played before and after the show was surprisingly goth, with songs by Siouxsie and the Banshees and Type O Negative. Interesting. I was very tired by the end of the night and we were driving several people back to the Heights with us so we said goodnight to Glenn and Christian and so many others. But it was a wonderful night.
Arriving home after a fun night out. 04-16-26
I was a little bummed that there was no Avengers: Doomsday trailer waiting at home for me, but they did show a trailer at CinemaCon; they just haven’t released it to the public and I’m not sure they ever will. The first trailer for Avengers: Endgame was shown at a con and they never ever released that trailer publically. We’ll see.
It was revealed that Kathryn Newton will be returning as Cassie Lang / Stature in “Avengers: Doomsday” – which we didn’t know. And young Wesley Holloway has been announced for the film and is rumored to be playing Steve and Peggy’s son.
They did release the final trailer for The Mandalorian & Grogu, which I think looks fantastic!
I need to go finish getting ready for bed. I’m dead tired.
slept very well. Then I cuddled with Aaron for 2 hours. I feel good. But I dreaded reading last night’s post as I really was tripping – but hey, it’s not bad! I have an on and off addiction to sleeping pills. I’ve been cutting back a bit. And this has made them hit me much harder. I say that like I’m tripping acid, and I can only imagine how hard that would hit me because I’m very much a lightweight. When Ambien hits me hard I see pretty colors and if I’m reading, the words drift off the page. That was happening last night while I was typing and it was like the words were floating out of the screen, which is when I realized what was happening. lol It hasn’t hit me like that in years.
I really am into Tori Amos’s “From the Choirgirl Hotel”, which again, was an album I listened to a lot when I was creating the original gothboy.com website. I keep going back to it. She has a new album that I haven’t listened too yet, but I’m content with this one for now.
I think I’m losing weight. I haven’t lost a lot, I’m sure, but I feel like I’m losing weight, which was a goal of mine, but not one that I’ve given a lot of thought to. I have a very complicated relationship with food. I have PTSD which is tied into food. And beyond that I was also raised in an environment where my education related to food was far from normal. And on top of all of that, I have idiopathic gastroparesis, or at least I’ve been told that I do – there is another diagnosis which I can’t remember, but they’re similar and it actually might be both. So it’s complicated.
04-14-26. Just before leaving home to get some food.
I am, however, making healthier choices of late. I was eating a lot of ice cream over the last several years. I think 3 quarts a week was my average? I’ve totally cut ice cream from my diet, which doesn’t mean I won’t potentially have it at Dairy Queen or something, but that I don’t keep any at home. Instead I drink smoothies, which means I replaced something unhealthy with something far more useful, which gives me everything I got from the ice cream but with none of the negative side effects. I’ve also cut way back on bread. I’m still eating bread, but less. Less cheese as well. For over a year I added cheese to nearly everything. To be fair, I was also adding chia seeds and flax seeds, but now I’m eating less cheese and just as many of the seeds. I also started buying fresh kiwi and snacking on that, which I’d wanted to do for years, which must sound strange, but again, my relationship with food is complicated. Oh, and the smoothies mean I’m having fruit every day! Which was definitely NOT the case before. And beyond the food choices, I’m starting to get out a lot more. Since the pandemic in 2020, I’ve mostly been a hermit when I’m in New York. I would maybe leave home 4 or 5 times a month, but there were times when I wouldn’t go outside for weeks at a time. But it is now April 16 and I’ve been outside 9 times this month and I have plans to go out tonight. I went out on the 14th as well, to pick up a pizza. Cheese and bread! But again, I’m eating far less and a healthier variety. For about a year we’ve been getting Little Caesars where we get 2 pizzas, one of them being the pretzel crust, which has so much salt that it has a warning on it! We had them delivered, always, so due to the cost we had to spend more to save a little on the delivery. But now I’m walking to the store, picking up one pizza, not two, and not getting the pretzel crust – saving money, getting exercise, eating less and eating healthier. And still having a pizza. But I have a slice, maybe two a day so it lasts just under a week.
04-15-26. At the A Train station at 181st.
Speaking of outside. I went for a walk yesterday. I was planning on going to my favorite park, Fort Tryon, but it was a bit later than I planned on and then just as I was getting ready to leave there were a flurry of messages from Aaron and Glenn about tonight’s events. I did try to go to the park but decided I’d take the train rather than walk there, only the train was late and I decided to just walk home so I could get myself a ticket to a show tonight, if I needed one. I stopped and got those kiwis on the way home at a new neighborhood market. I got all the things ready. I had a smoothie. Later as a snack I had some green olives, pecans, & sunflower seeds. I played some Zelda (Breath of the Wild) and then got ready for bed, which is when I posted last night.
Aaron and I have been chatting while he gets ready for work. He just looked over my shoulder and saw how I was organizing this post and told me he liked what I was doing: “I see what you’re doing. I’m picking up what you’re putting down. That’s a very handsome man on that subway!” lol
I’m looking forward to going out tonight. I’ll likely leave here shortly after 6. I’m meeting Glenn for a reservation at Serafina in midtown at 7. Then we need to be at 54 Below at 9, for the 9:30 show; the venue is just a few blocks away so we should be fine. And then the show is from 9:30 to 10:30 with another show at 11 so the venue needs to clear out quickly, and I’ll catch a ride home with Aaron and another one of the judges.
With Christian and Aaron. March 21, 2026.
Right. So after Glenn asked if we could meet today, Aaron told me our friend Christian was having a concert that night but I figured I should keep my plans with Glenn so I told Aaron I wasn’t going. Then yesterday Glenn asked if I’d like to go to that same show with him! It felt fated at that point. I mean, Glenn didn’t even realize that I knew Christian or that Aaron would be there! lol It’s so funny. But I’m happy it worked out this way. Aaron and I chilled with Christian last month after a Stonewall Chorale concert.
“Jaws” and “Guardians of the Galaxy” are forever linked in my mind due to my first real meeting with Glenn in August of 2014.
I’ve never hung out with Glenn one on one, which seems odd, in retrospect. I’ve hung out with his ex-wife a few times (who I adore). I usually see Glenn at parties or shows, but there have been smaller gatherings. I met him in passing in 2014, but didn’t officially meet him until August of that year, when we saw him in “The Magic Flute” on Martha’s Vineyard, which was my first opera; I just saw my 14th opera a few weeks ago. We stayed in the same house. Aaron, Glenn, his kids, and there were others there too. We swam in the ocean, near where “Jaws” was filmed. This was the weekend of August 1st, 2014. I know because Aaron and I always try to see the new Marvel films on opening night and we missed the opening of “Guardians of the Galaxy” to be on the island. Glenn and islands. I hadn’t thought of that before. We met in passing in Manhattan, then Martha’s Vineyard, and we’ve visited him twice on Mackinac Island, where his family has a home. Funny.
“Avengers: Doomsday” is likely to be teased at CinemaCon tonight.
Anyways, I’m excited for tonight. But, speaking of Marvel, tonight Marvel will be presenting at CinemaCon and I was hoping to just sit at home and take in the news, but I’m skipping Marvel to chill with Glenn and company. History repeating itself. lol
I’m trying to stay awake. I have stuff that I need / want to do that involves use of the TV, which Aaron uses on the weekends and evenings when he’s home, almost constantly. He plays a lot of video games and watches a lot of stuff to unwind. I could have used a smaller monitor but I haven’t wanted to. Plus, if the mood hits me, it’s easier for me to write when there aren’t a lot of distractions.
We had a good Saturday. We went to the NYC Botanical Gardens in the Bronx. It was our second visit; we’re members so we’re trying to go more often. I made the plans, which Aaron thanked me for. It was relaxing, fun and so very chill. We hold hands just about everywhere that we go but it has felt even more special of late given all the shit going on in our fucked up country. We went to the Orchid Show, which involved us being herded through a confined green house space, but everyone inside was lovely – except the people that worked there, who were needlessly rude, which everyone commented on. Later we walked around a bit then headed home. We didn’t try to see everything because, again, we plan on going more often.
When we got home we continued our “Re-Trek”. A couple of years ago now, we started watching all of Star Trek together in chronological order. We booked through Enterprise, Discovery and what exists of Strange New Worlds and we made short work of everything up to Star Trek: The Next Generation, but we’ve been dragging our feet for awhile now. Today we watched S03E03 “The Survivors”, which I don’t think I’d seen since it first aired in 1989. There was much that I didn’t remember, but I knew how it ended; likely because this story is retold a few times in Trek. I also remembered that Anne Ryan Haney played a character in it, though I wouldn’t have been able to tell you the actor’s name; I did know that it was the same actor from DS9’s “Dax” & the film “Mrs. Doubtfire”, both of which I love. The episode was okay. I’m much more familiar with the latter half of this season of TNG because I had everything from S03E13 “Deja Q” through Season 6 (?) recorded on VHS and I watched my favorite episodes multiple times. There are a couple of stories in Season 7 that I don’t think I’ve seen more than once or twice though, and not in decades.
I have mix playing which includes “In This Twilight” by Nine Inch Nails. I’ve always loved this song. When it was new I printed up the lyrics and included them in a collage (because, when I don’t I make collages?) – they were placed on my bedroom ceiling right above where I would lay my head.
I worked on various webpage items for 4.5 hours. So many old pictures. So many old memories. But enough for now.
The sun is blazing through the windows.
So many Trump headlines. War. Threats of annihilation. I don’t have the energy to spare too much time thinking about it all but it’s always there in the back of my mind. I have the luxury of letting it live in that space.
Tired.
I’m going to see if I can fall asleep with some Aaron cuddles.
I’m still thrilled to be back in this space. Goth boy. But trying to decide all the things, coming up with solutions, mostly on my own, is exhausting. I’m traversing all these new obstacles that didn’t exist the first time I had a website, or if they did, I was blissfully ignorant. I had no idea that anyone would actually pay attention to my little piece of the internet or that anyone would care what I had to say or how much skin I showed, but they did. And I’m trying to get back to that freedom while also being responsible and considerate and mindful; respecting boundaries that I honestly never considered nearly 30 years ago when this journey began the first time. The growth I’m describing pleases me. But it’s far less easy than it was before. But I can do this.
I uploaded more collages to my gallery, more poetry and artwork. I added plugins to include music in my posts. I looked into some kind of age restriction for my site, though a lot of that information seems contradictory and I’m also not sure if I should age gate the whole thing or just my photographs? I mean, my writing is really fucking graphic…and I’m so fucking tired right now. I slept a little under 6 hours last night, but I’m used to more. My body wants me to sleep and I hopefully will soon, but I wanted to write this and take a shower to get the sunblock off of me.
Age restriction(s). Visitor counter(s). Perhaps a plugin to include Google Sheets / Google Docs? I also need to create pages for my non-poetry related writing and my viewing / reading orders, movie reviews, etc. But I probably won’t get to most of that until I have more of my poetry ported over, at least my writing from 2011 onward. And I’ll ask Mark about the website stuff that I don’t quite get. That’s a lot but it seems like something worth doing and something I can accomplish.
I was planning on watching the new episode of Daredevil: Born Again (S02E04 “Gloves Off”) tonight, but I’m just too tired. I’ll try to watch it tomorrow. Season 3 of Euphoria begins this Sunday. I was caught up by the time Season 2 ended but that was over 4 years ago, so I don’t remember it very clearly. Eric Dane’s Cal Jacobs will be featured, which will be odd since Dane passed away recently – and other cast members have died since the end of Season 2.
Oh! And the pain that Aaron was having that led us to the clinic yesterday is possibly to do with stress and was helped in part by a visit to his chiropractor. Aaron found another office that seems promising in our neighborhood and will given them a try on Friday or Saturday but his usual chiropractor is at 50th Street (Manhattan); this would be much closer. Hopefully he continues to improve. He and I have been together for about 14.5 years! Crazy.
Okay. I need to keep this short. I need to sleep. And I need that shower.
I got Aaron to watch the 1997 film “The House of Yes” a long time ago. It’s a favorite of mine, based on the 1990 play “The House of Yes: A Suburban Jacobean Play”, by Wendy MacLeod.
Yesterday, knowing my love of the film, he took me to the Mannes School of Music to see a workshop of a new opera adaptation of the same work, which was a fascinating experience. The performers were students; they were all great. And I got to meet many of the creatives in passing. I also spoke briefly to the 2020 Pulitzer Prize winning Michael R. Jackson, who wrote the book, music, and lyrics for “A Strange Loop”, which I had loved when we saw it on Broadway – but I didn’t realize who he was until after we left. No. I talked to him about John Carpenter and the film “They Live”, which was on a shirt that he was wearing. lol
Years ago, also in part based on my love of “The House of Yes” but also my fanboy crush on Ewan, Aaron also took me to see “The Real Thing”, a play that then starred Ewan McGregor, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Cynthia Nixon and Josh Hamilton. I met them all briefly after the show and they were delightful; we got all their signatures on our poster – and I told Hamilton that I was a huge fan of “The House of Yes”, in which he played Marty – and thanked Ewan for “Velvet Goldmine”. <3
She messages me about appropriating my memories in a collage in which she dreams I never existed.
She finds it so fantastic that she attended a bar in the ‘90’s where her husband was dancing in a cavernous Detroit Ramada Inn.
Do I have any pictures without him holding me, she asks?
No. I don’t. I took him there on our first date in December 1995.
But I do have some pictures that she can’t erase me from…
That night he climbed into my bed and begged me to mesh nakedly together as I snapped photos and told him I would not be his excuse to sabotage his relationship with this woman.
Aaron says this is because I have standards. I doubt she would see it that way.
But I will not surrender my memories and she… will never know.
Written by Jason Wright January 10, 2018
Another poem originating from April 2017 scribblings on a train.
Hearing disappointment which matches THE SICKNESS INSIDE ME threatening to overtake me.
Breathe.
The train is already departing one six eight; perhaps this panic is for nothing?
Why do the only loud people in the car gravitate toward me?
Hungry. Terrified and hungry. Some things never change… but I can.
Relax. Breathe.
He cannot hurt me here. She is safe. And I will eat before long.
If the show has begun I will eat without fear and rest, knowing I’ve seen this particular show three times before, and I will be there for Aaron without compromising sanity or the denial of self.
If I make it there in time I will be collected and calm. I will take in this special show with no need of regret for I have controlled my fear and done my best to travel especially on the fucked up weekend transit.
Now relax. Breathe / Ground, and be the Jason that you want to be.
