Tag: Aaron Sanko

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“Memories of Green”

Memories. Some of them are vibrant and overwhelming. Others seem muted or faded as an old drawing.

Yesterday marked 10 years since the Pulse Nightclub Massacre, when 29-year-old Omar Mateen shot and killed 49 people and wounded 58 in a mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. We read about it 10 years ago today. I was so shaken. A couple of weeks later, at PRIDE (on June 24), the owners of the club were there on the pier and they read the names of the victims as I wept. Bob the Drag Queen performed, and so did Todrick Hall, who later released a documentary (“Behind the Curtain”) which features us in the audience + a NYC Pride sign that we had our picture taken with.

An acquaintance of mine, a kid who had a crush on me but was way too young for me when we met, Perris, was there at Pulse and had survived. He died in March of 2024 of complications from surgery, age 34.

A year ago, Aaron and I were at LaGuardia International Airport in Queens heading to Michigan for a visit with Aaron’s family + his 41st birthday:

“The man sitting across from us is flirting with a woman way out of his league and laughing like a Muppet on acid. I’m embarrassed for both of them.“

13 years ago, Aaron and I got word that work was wrapping up on our “new condo”, which is where I’m writing this post from. No longer new, and in my brain I think of it as an apartment, rather than a condo, but I’m not sure that really matters.

16 years ago, I was still happy with the Doctor Who episode that had aired the day before, S05E11 “The Lodger”, which features James Corden, who I thought was funny at the time, though I now find him to be completely obnoxious.

7 years ago today, Aaron and I arrived in our new hotel in San Francisco (for an opera conference) and later I had a reunion with Jen Beam; she lived across the Golden Gate Bridge, which I crossed for the first time on a bus. It seems like yesterday and forever ago all at once. I hooked up with several exes while we were there (Jen & Mark) but I only got fucked by one of them (Shawn)! With Aaron’s permission of course. We have a mostly open relationship but I don’t really take advantage of it much. That was the only time I hooked up with anyone without him, and I likely would have included him but he was busy and there were emotional things that needed to be worked through and discussed. It was very healing.

11 years ago, Mary Ellen was in town for Aaron’s birthday and took us to see “Finding Neverland” on Broadway, which featured Matthew Morrison & Kelsey Grammer; I remember they made a funny “Cheers” joke. We ate at the Jolly Monk that day. It was a difficult day actually, due to my own psychological bullshit, but I made the most of it.

14 years ago, last night, was the Goth Prom at Factor Night at Necto. I was a Necto / Nectarine Ballroom devotee from January 1994 – September 2012, with a few stops put in in the months that followed.

17 years ago today, my grandparents renewed their wedding vows. I took my then boyfriend, Michael Slaughter, with me. I didn’t know then but he’d already cheated on me more than a dozen times. But the day was lovely. And my sister Janice and I sang. My mother was there. Michael and I called it quits in early 2011. My mother died in July of 2021, while her father, my grandpa died last year.

Uncle Mike & Aunt Martha Curtis. My mom and dad.
My father (Doug) and my mother. You can just see her father behind her.
Seeing Grandpa cry in this photo made me cry.

Today’s music is “Memories of Green” from the film “Blade Runner”. I’ve not heard The New American Orchestra version in decades, and while I love the original Vangelis version, this is the version I owned when I was a kid. And it feels appropriate to share it here.

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“I’m Trying To Leave The Night Behind”

I did go to sleep early, after a brief chat with my sister. Anytime I say that I’ve spoken to my sister I mean Janice, my older sister. Our younger sister, Jamie, doesn’t speak to me. I don’t even have her phone #. I don’t know her address. I’ve never seen where she lives. And it’s not just that we’re distant, she’s vicious. And so after many, many years of this seemingly random and horrible behavior, it has come to a point where it feels like I only have one sister. I would not have it be so. But Jamie has given me no other choice.

I slept well. I sometimes have a fruity carbonated beverage on hand but I had water instead. The pain in my back haunted my dreams and woke me a few times. Aaron later told me that I cried out in my sleep. I slept for more than 8 hours. When I did finally get up, I found that while my back still hurts, quite sharply at times, it feels much better than it did yesterday, which is a relief. It doesn’t hurt when I stand still, which was not true yesterday.

June 10, 2026.

I usually make my smoothies with a high protein fiber enriched Boost drink (which equals 1 cup), + 1 cup of blueberries or cherries, a scoop of fiber, a scoop of coffee and a scoop of protein powder – with a splash of unsweetened oat milk. I tried making one without the Boost today (replacing it with a cup of the unsweetened oat milk). Actually, that’s how I first tried making one but I had found the flavor to be a little too intense for me, so this was my second attempt, which went a lot better. That cuts a bit of sugar from my limited intake. I will still drink the Boost but not with the smoothies and not as often. Aaron is against this, and maybe the nutritionist will feel otherwise as well. Aaron says that all the things in the Boost are good for me, but that’s true of water and you can still drown in it or die from drinking too much, via water intoxication / hyponatremia, which is when someone consumes water faster than their kidneys can process it, diluting their blood sodium to abnormally low levels and causing cells—including brain cells—to swell. Maybe I’m being extreme, but I don’t know what else to do. The new smoothie concoction didn’t bother me this time. It’s not as tasty as it was before, but it’s also not anywhere near as offensive as I felt it was the first time. Progress.

I’m wondering if maybe my sugar levels were raised randomly last week. I had a bad few days with my stomach, which is paralyzed, which leads to vomiting. Every day for nearly 25 years. August 13 will mark 25 years. Some days are much worse than others. And having had several bad days, my throat was sore. I bought some Luigi’s Real Italian Ice (Watermelon & Blue Raspberry), which have a lot of sugar in them, which is why I gave them up years ago. The second ingredient on the label is syrup blend (sucrose and corn syrup) followed by apple juice. They’re basically flavored ice with heaps of sugar – but they were something cold that felt good on my throat. I ate 3 of them the morning of my appointment. I also had a sip of cough syrup because it had a cough suppressant and when my throat is irritated from a rough night, I cough a lot. So…I’m wondering if this doesn’t spike my sugar levels and or my results. It’s possible, but I honestly don’t know enough about it to know for sure.

So I’ve already made some (one assumes) healthy changes to my previously improved diet. And my back isn’t as bad. And I have the nutritionist to see today. And I feel really good about how I’ve handled things that would have knocked me off an emotional cliff yesterday and likely would have ended in bloodshed. And now I have questions about what might have sparked this change & I’m hoping this spike was a fluke, but either way it wouldn’t hurt me to try to do better. And so that’s where I am this morning.

Aaron is having a rough morning already. He has had a rough couple of days actually and has been trying to take care of himself but as is often the case, the world collapsed when he wasn’t there. Sometimes in these moments I don’t know what to say to help, but this morning I felt like I was there for him and told him things he needed to hear.

Sometimes our relationship goes very smoothly. Most of the time, really. But it becomes easy to take it for granted. The last 24 hours have shown why we were work well together and that’s always heartwarming. He advocated for me when I got my news yesterday and made sure I would see who I needed to see – even if I did the heavy lifting myself – which was totally what I wanted to do. And this morning with that conversation, it felt like I was the only person who could say these things to him and that I might be the only person he would listen to. I also helped him take a cart full of returns to the UPS store yesterday and contributed to his sleep last night.

Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “I Find You’re Gone” by the German former synthpop band Wolfsheim (Markus Reinhardt and Peter Heppner), from their 2003 album “Casting Shadows”.



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Holding You Until the Sunrise”

June 7, 2026. After a 2 mile walk and a shower.

I did go right to bed after the last crazy entry. I finished a chapter of “The Downing Girl”. I’ve read it so many times already that part of me feels like there’s no need to finish it this time, and yet I’ve struggled so much with finishing books in the last year that part of me feels it is very important. And I do love this book. Truly. The one thing I don’t like about it as that the narrator repeats sections of the books at least a few times, and so having now read the book something like 15 times, I’ve read those passages 30 times, so I’m a little sick of those bits. lol But it’s my own fault! lol

I slept about 6 hours. Later I took a very brief but very restful nap before getting ready to go to IKEA with Aaron to get a new chair. In the meantime I had a long overdue chat with my old pal Darla DeCook, which was lovely. I’ve lost many people over the years – I mean, they’re dead – so having the luxury or reconnecting with someone is especially appreciated. We’ve both had a rough go of it at times, but we’re both still here. Hopefully we’ll have a phone call or Zoom or whatever in our near future.

I wore crazy earrings today, which were fun – and well received. On the way to and from IKEA, Aaron and I called his mom, his Aunt Karen, his Aunt Denice, his cousin Andrew and Jennifer Clemente. Not everyone answered, but everyone that did was delightful. Jennifer traded texts with me until later when we caught up on the phone while I drank a blueberry smoothie.

After chatting with Jennifer for a bit, about Tap Dancing Lessons, The Lost Boys Broadway musical and Spider-Noir (which she’s watching and I’ve been meaning to start) we said goodnight and I went for a walk where I met up with my friend Christopher Tefft for a brief walkabout while he got food. He was EXHAUSICATED, the poor thing. We might go to a bar together next week. I like that I’m getting out more and trying to connect. It doesn’t always work, but it has been happening more frequently. I also made tentative plans to go to a writers group with Isaiah tomorrow. I have therapy at 1pm. And Wednesday Aaron and I have eye doctor appointments. I will try to juggle these things while further exploring my ever evolving relationship with Aaron, sex, poetry, music, and perhaps dancing. I miss dancing. I dance at home but it’s not the same.

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“I Tried To Tell You”

Outside our building. June 7, 2026. This marked 35 days in a row that I’ve been outside.

I got outside briefly, after I went down to pick up a package. Later I went to the eye doctor with Aaron where we both made appointments for Wednesday, and then to T-Mobile where I finally got my new phone and Aaron got a smart watch. I wore a pair of new shoes to try out, which were quite comfortable.

Graduation. With Adam P, Kelli P (RIP), Erin / Elvis, Jennifer C. Darla D, ? & Paul F. June 6, 1996.

Later I played some Zelda (Tears of the Kingdom) and went to bed relatively early. Oh! Yesterday also marked 30 years (!?!) since I graduated at the top of my class, albeit 4 years later than I was originally going to!

Today I watched the season premiere of Interview with the Vampire / The Vampire Lestat, S03E01 “Detroit”, which I enjoyed a lot. This series has been so fantastic! If only the other shows that share the Immortal Universe were as good as this one. “Mayfair Witches” was dreadful when I tried to watch it, but I may do so again as I’ll have 6 or 7 more weeks before this season of this series arrives. “Talamasca: The Secret Order” was better, but it was very hit or miss; I’d have welcomed a second season but it was cancelled. “Mayfair Witches” might be fine, I don’t know, as I can only see it as an adaptation of some of my favorite books and I just think the adaptation is BAD, while “Interview with the Vampire” has been mostly spectacular. Anyways, I enjoyed the new episode and I look forward to seeing the rest.

I tried to see if Nathan or Chris Tefft were available for a walk but they were both busy. I ended up going to Fort Tryon park on my own, which is fine. I was just feeling social. 2 miles. I ate when I got home, after I dried off. I was very sweaty! lol

And now I’m winding down? Or I might stay up and try taking some photographs. I’m not sure. I like taking photos at the apartment when I’m alone because I can be more experimental, plus I like taking pictures in all of the rooms and changing clothes and all that, which is difficult to do if Aaron is here, even if he gives me space. I can’t do it when my aide is here either. And Aaron only goes into the office on Thursdays. That’s a very limited window. If he goes to pool tomorrow night I might be able to do it then, but I like going to pool too. He’s going to choir on Tuesday but I’ve been invited to a writers group that night at the same time, which I may or may not attend. I’d like to go, but I have so few opportunities to be alone. It’s not that I don’t love sharing time with Aaron; I just also value my alone time and it’s becoming increasingly rare that I have any.

Today’s song quote journal titles is from “Plenty” by Sarah McLachlan from her excellent 1993 album, ” Fumbling Towards Ecstasy”.

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“The Devil In Your Eyes”

I did get back to bed yesterday morning. I struggled with a migraine and my stomach was worse than the previous days. But I made it to my doctor’s appointment in Hell’s Kitchen. The last time I went to this office, 3 months ago, I learned that an old friend, Brian Lounsberry, had died. When I went yesterday there were reports that Anthony Stewart Head, aka Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, had passed away. It’s one of the hardest things to reconcile with, as we age, we see others pass from this life.

I started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on January 19, 1998. I remember the episode (S02E13 “Surprise”) and where I was and who I was with (Jennifer in the old apartment at Mapleridge in Ann Arbor, Michigan), what I was feeling before, what I felt during and after. And I quickly became obsessed with the series. I don’t feel that way anymore (because I have most of the series memorized), but during the show’s run and for several years after, the series was extremely important to me. It still pops up in my dreams on a daily basis. We’ve lost 3 cast members in the last 16 months, and at least 2 cast-members of the spin-off series, “Angel”, died years ago, with 32 year old Glenn Quinn (who played Allen Francis Doyle in the first 9 episodes) dying from an accidental drug overdose in 2002, and 33 year old Andy Hallet (who played Lorne across 4 seasons and 47 episodes) dying of congestive heart failure in 2009. May they all rest in peace.

I took the 1 train to 50th and walked to 52nd and 8th for my doctor’s appointment, which went smoothly. In and out, relatively fast (like a date I had once). I walked to Columbus Circle and took the A train home from there. When I got home I took a nap. I tried to eat, which didn’t go well. I wanted to be done for the day but there was an intimate party for our friend Vanessa that I very much wanted to attend. Thankfully that all worked out. But when we got home, I was done. I slept well that night.

I’m not sure what’s going on today. I was invited to attend a sex party by our friend Nathan, but I told him I’m probably not the best candidate. I’d want to talk to everyone and possibly document everything! lol And I’m guessing that’s frowned upon? There’s also the possibility that I would feel very uncomfortable and leave and be awkward, or worse, completely let go, have a blast, and then come home with some lovely new diseases! At the very least, I think about these things way too much. Plus…I likely don’t know anyone at this party and I’m not great at hooking up with strangers. Maybe it’s weird, but I like to LIKE the people that put themselves inside of me. lol

Today’s song quote journal title comes from “Back to Friends” by Sombr from their 2025 album “I Barely Know Her”.

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“One More Time to Kill”

May 29, 2026. Aaron and I, on our way back form the Vitamin Shop.

Friday night, Aaron got me out to pick up some protein for my smoothies from the Vitamin Shop downstairs. I was so worn out, but he knew I was on a roll of days going outside, so that was very nice of him. He’s awesome.

Aaron hosting (with percussionist Paige Andrews) at the Stonewall Inn 05-30-26.

Saturday (May 30) I went with Aaron to the Stonewall Chorale cabaret that was actually inside the Stonewall Inn. I feel increasingly close with the members of the choir and those who work with them. It’s really nice having all these people to look forward to seeing. Aaron was the MC, and he was amazing, as always. He also performed, which is always great. It was fun to see so many people having so much fun.

My stomach was dreadful again on Sunday, but I just chilled. I watched the first episode of the final season of “Euphoria” and picked up where I left off on “Grace & Frankie”; I have 2.5 seasons left of that series. I have a whole lists of series that I’ve begun but never finished and it would be nice to knock a few of those out this summer. I did get myself to go outside for a few minutes to keep my streak up.

Outside again. May 31, 2026.

On Monday (June 1) I felt like if I didn’t get out for a walk it might not ever happen. So I made sure that it did. I wasn’t sure if it was smart to walk 2 miles so I took the A Train to Fort Tryon Park and sat at my usual spot at Linden Terrace. I spoke to my grandmother, as I often do, but I let her go when squirrels approached me. I had brought some nuts to feed them this time which was really fun! I’ve become the old guy in the park feeding the squirrels and pigeons, as several variety of birds joined in the meal. It was very relaxing, breathing in the fresh air, feeding the animals and not having a care in the world.

I walked the full mile (and then some) home. And that felt great too! My stomach mostly behaved and later Aaron (who was at pool) had me take the elevator down to pick up a package, which the deliverer hadn’t left in the Amazon Lockers – which is always annoying because when they leave them out they often get stolen. I didn’t tell Aaron I was already in bed, I just went and got it. lol I did sleep really well that night though!

Out of bed to pick up a package for Aaron. 06-01-26.

On Tuesday I felt more like myself. I walked to and from the park (so over 2 miles). I fed the squirrels again, he stayed closer to me this time. I also spoke to my friend Paul on the phone, who I hadn’t spoken to in a long time. And I later got a call from Michael Slaughter.

I helped Aaron take some donations into a gay donation center then stopped in with him to see the choir before I wandered the West Village and took in some of the PRIDE. Then I headed home, snapped a few photos, read the news and got ready for bed. I slept pretty well. Cuddled with Aaron this morning. And got up, knowing I needed to catch up on my blog, and so here we are…

So today is June 3, 2026. I ordered a bunch of things from a wishlist of mine, which I’ve been waiting to see if I had the money for and I did. I also ordered some of Aaron’s birthday presents. And if I can get outside today, that will mark 32 days in a row that I’ve been outside the apartment. That’s fucking amazing. I feel really good about this.

I have therapy in an hour so I should eat or dress or whatever else I need to do before then. If I eat then I’ll have an hour for my stomach to calm down before I need to do anything else.

Oh. And “The Vampire Lestat” starts streaming on Sunday. I loved the first 2 seasons, which adapted “Interview with the Vampire” so I’m really excited about this – and so far, it has a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes! Hopefully it’s good. So I’m looking forward to that!

Okay. I should go.


But…today’s journal song quote is from “Never Enough” by The Cure, from their 1990 remix album “Mixed Up” – which was the first CD that I ever bought!

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“Love Never Seems to Last”

This entry feels like it’s going to be very unorganized. My brain is fried and I’m writing about several days, but here goes…

05-26-26:

I dreamed I was up late by myself. I had fallen asleep watching Pretty Woman and realized I had missed most of the movie, but as I thought back on the parts I missed, it was actually the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. I had not mistaken one movie for the other but it was somehow both films.

In the dream I lived with Aaron but he wasn’t home. I wondered where he was so late but as I was in bed (not our current bed – in my dreams our apartment is often different) I did not think to call him. When Aaron did arrive home he brought friends and I pretended to be asleep – only he didn’t even stop in to check on me. The friends were all black – the cast of a movie I saw once. One of them I’ve seen in several things and will try to remember his name later. I was a bit miffed but tried to get back to sleep and seemed to succeed. When I woke again Aaron still wasn’t in my room so I crept around the apartment (which was cavernous, filled with old things, curtains blowing in the wind, ala The Hunger) and I saw that Aaron was alone with only the one guy whose name I can’t remember. Aaron had put on my leather jacket and I knew right away that he was about to fuck this guy. I grabbed my phone, wanting to sneak around and watch and record but I kept running into problems, the way that people often do when they need to pee in dreams, only I think all these obstacles were meant to keep me from cumming. I was grabbing my dick. I was trying to record but accidentally called myself. I ran into an old coworker and though I stopped to explain to her (Jennifer White who was still Jennifer White but going by a new name with a fake accent) what was happening and she was sympathetic I had to sneak away from her to get back to the sex-cipades, but I couldn’t get over there. I knew the guy would be leaving soon so I feigned sleep again but the guy thought it was hot (and so did I) for him to insult me by getting Aaron to fuck his face near me so I squinted to see them having sex. The guy, oddly, had like a horse tail growing out of his lower back, or maybe he was cosplaying or something? I don’t really get that part. Eventually he woke me on purpose and I was trying to decide if I should act like I was offended and possibly scare Aaron in the process (which I didn’t want) or if I should just treat it like it wasn’t a big deal which might have led to either good or further bad behavior from the guest. I started to wonder about men like this and if they might want to hurt me by throwing away my stuff or damaging my property and that we should find ways to avoid that as I woke to find Aaron leaving the bedroom, naked (as he sleeps naked). I wanted to tell him I just had a sex dream about him but then I started replaying it in hopes of remembering it – then I snuck to the office to write this down.

Tuesday I went to the post office with Aaron and then walked to Little Caesars to get pizza. My stomach has been iffy since we left for FL on the 20th, so I didn’t go further, but it was nice being outside. I mostly worked on my website.

Wednesday. May 27. Feeling pretty rough.

Wednesday followed much the same pattern as Tuesday. I did get out for a minute but I was not feeling very good – I just wanted to make sure I was staying in because I didn’t feel well, and not because I couldn’t bring myself to get outside.

05-28-26:

I dreamed of seeing Steve Groff at church. I tried to take a selfie with him and Grandma but we moved and when I asked for another grandma said no. I left them there. I was in Aunt Thelma’s yard, trying not to be seen by cars (driven by thieves) by hiding behind trees. Later, Steve joined me at my apartment and he started playing the Pretty in Pink soundtrack and I said that I had meant to play the same thing and to tell him that everytime I hear it I think of him but that I didn’t know how to communicate that to him without sounding crazy because it has nothing to do with him. I asked him if he’d seen a movie or heard the music it featured and he said no in a fearful, almost lustful tone. The film featured a serial killer who murdered a man who lived in an old bus / sailboat on the beach who was insane, infected with vermin that could be washed from his skull but never would be before he died. The killer was a gay erotic ideal, leather clad and muscles and I compared Steve to this man. He explained that they (his family) had almost gotten out during Covid and they had planned against the government, but I knew the story somehow and knew it was empty. Later, Amber and Laurie visited me and I told them that on my birthday Jennifer and Autumn had visited me and that we’d exchanged poetic verses inscribed on artistic objects of our own designs. One of my old ones was found by Amber (a seemingly wooden square, in a thicker than usual picture frame, painted black with white highlights (something like lightning or squiggly lines but was it white on black or black on white – and there were words as well) with a poem inscribed. I tried to draw it when I woke up but the drawing didn’t do it justice.

After waking I saw various things (above) that felt connected to what I’d dreamed. Later I went out for another walk but that was cut short by unexpected rain. I took some pictures though, which I tried to have some fun with.

I worked on a guide to Torchwood that incorporates the Big Finish audio adventures; the final entry in the monthly range was released this week and I loved it. It’s one of my top 3 entries in that series, all of which features Ianto Jones and tie into bigger events.

“Broken” ties into several first season Torchwood episodes. The new “Fare Well” covers Ianto’s supposed first day at Torchwood One (but fans know this is his second first day after the previous one was wiped from his memory) + a mission set shortly before “Children of Earth”, when SPOILER, Ianto’s character was killed in 2009. Another entry, “Coffee” covered Ianto’s time at Torchwood Three and ends after his death. Ianto was always my favorite Torchwood character; even before the character’s death I had a little shrine to him on my bedroom wall.

I did not sleep well last night. I went to bed very late (early this morning) and I had therapy at 10am. I was going to go back to bed but that didn’t pan out. I’d like to get out for a walk but that seems more and more unlikely. I’m disappointed in myself for not getting out more this week but my stomach has just been horrible. Maybe it will happen? We’ll see.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Dreaming of the Queen” by Pet Shop Boys from their interestingly packaged 1993 album “Very”.

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“He’s Gone”

Various pieces by artists inspired by The Drowning Girl.

I slept well again, thankfully. I didn’t go to choir last night. I had a bit of a headache and I’d already been out and my stomach was iffy. I did get some packing done. And I sent a digital copy of Caitlín R. Kiernan’s The Drowning Girl to my new friend Linda. On the one hand, I think that Linda might love this book, as I do. And on the other hand, I know that sales help Kiernan, who is struggling to pay some bills right now. So this seemed like a good idea. I love this book so much and I’ve probably gifted it to at least 7 people over the years, which is not something that I typically do. I’ve given copies to Mollie Baker, my sister Janice, my ex-gf Jennifer, my cousin Katie, Aaron has listened to the audiobook. I’ve also recommended it countless times. I know my friend Isaiah Pittman is trying to read it. It’s so inventive and it moves me, and if I like you, I’ll probably recommend it to you. And anyone who loves the book might want to check out her collections, “To Charles Fort, With Love” and “Houses Under the Sea”, which both feature stories that tie into the novel. There are likely others, but I’m kind of pressed for time at the moment and I don’t want to ramble for too long! Suffice it to say, that if you’re reading this – and I honestly don’t know that anybody actually is, then I highly recommend The Drowning girl and Kiernan’s work in general. You can find more of her work on her Amazon page (which I don’t get any money from – I just think she’s worth reading) and I’m sure there are other links that would help her even more. I should just ask her.

And it’s the morning of a travel day. We won’t be leaving the apartment for about 4.5 hours; we like to get to the airport a couple of hours before our flights, just in case anything goes wrong. Our flight to Orlando boards around 5pm and we should arrive by around 9pm. Then it’s about an hour to our house. And we’ll likely get inside, try to get settled and go to bed soon after. So, hopefully I’ll be in bed in about 12 hours.

Today’s song quote title comes from “He’s Gone” by Saint Etienne, from their 1994 album Tiger Bay. An acquaintance of mine with really great taste in music, Steven Rink, posted this song on Facebook when he was moving from New York to the West Coast and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. I’m not headed for the West Coast today, but I’m leaving New York and so it felt appropriate.

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“Step Inside My Head”

I just took a Xanax. There was awhile, years ago, when I would take them quite often. But just like with other methods that worked for me but were perhaps not the healthiest choice, I’ve severely limited my intake of this drug. For awhile it was a crutch, but now it is a tool that I can allow myself to use when I need it, and tonight I needed it.

I’m stressed. And I’m panicky beyond my circumstances. Aaron’s life is going through some major changes so I’m afraid that I seem selfish to be feeling like this, but that’s one of the contributing factors. His personal stress and his challenges affect my own. I like being stronger for him, but this week there are more issues than I usually have to deal with, and it’s the same for him, though he’s dealing with far more than me and much more gracefully.

Others issues include our upcoming travel. Sometimes I get so nervous before hand and it’s generally worse when I’ve not travelled in a few months. Before I moved to New York I had flown a few times. A trip to Florida. A trip to Las Vegas. A trip to San Francisco. But now we’ve flown so many times that I feel foolish for being nervous at all, but I am. We’ve probably flown to Michigan more than 30 times at this point. We’ve flown to Florida at least 6 or 7. We’ve flown to San Francisco, and London, and Rome, Barcelona and Texas. And thinking about it that way I probably don’t have anything to worry about, and yet I do.

I also feel a bit odd that I didn’t really get out today. Sure, I walked to the front of our building and stood outside a moment, but it’s not the same as walking a mile or two. And I only went out because I wanted to confirm that I could go out and that my desire to stay in wasn’t based in my weird fear of going outside. So that’s what I did. I got outside, I ate, I showered in the cold water. That’s another thing. Something wrong with our water pressure and we don’t have hot water. I’m trying to be an adult about this. So many people don’t even have water and I’m upset that the water isn’t warm enough? I noted earlier that it does keep me from lingering there. I wash and I get out. But I love taking my time in a hot shower. It’s where I do some of my best thinking.

My aide, Celine, who is a saint, is also not here this week. One of her cousins was murdered. It was so horrible! And they’ve had to wait a crazy amount of time for the funeral due to the investigation. And so I hope her travel goes smoothly and that she and her family can find some amount of healing from being together. When she’s not here it becomes even clearer how much she does for me. I’m aware otherwise and very grateful and I always, always thank her and speak well of her to her employers but it’s one other thing that this week is throwing at me.

I’m a whiner. I’m a glass half-empty kind of guy. But I’m trying not to be. Writing this is helping. I try to change the way I think. I try to reshape my thoughts and feelings, without denying them. I feel good that I let myself take the Xanax and that I don’t abuse it. I don’t think I’ve taken any in months, and I certainly haven’t taken a whole pill. But I’ve gotten better at recognizing when I need it and giving myself permission to take it. When I first started treatment with it, nearly 2 decades ago, in Michigan, I would let things get so bad before I took it, that the anxiety would get out of control. I would be shaking and on the verge of collapse. But I don’t let that happen anymore. It helps knowing what the drug can and cannot do for me. There are limits. The drug has limits. I have limits.

Another issue. I’m heading to doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I’ve gotten pretty good at getting to this building in the past, via 2 different trains. I mean, I usually take 2 trains to get there, not that I choose one or the other. But the stop that is near this building is closed. So the second train is pretty pointless. And I’ll need to walk pretty far to get there. There are buses that I could take but I’ve never trusted the bus system here. I find it very difficult to decipher the signage for busses here – but I’ve recently learned that others I trust have the same troubles. And so I will walk. It should take about 30 minutes on the train and then about 20 – 30 minutes of walking to get to the office. And then I get to come back the way that I came. And that will likely be all the walking I do tomorrow. I worry that I’ll get that leg pain again though.

I did get a lot done on my website. It took me hours and I’m convinced this will just make me seem that much more insane: I uploaded 36 more collages of ME. I compulsively make collages of all sorts of things but for my photos section I’ve put over a hundred collages of my face and other bits. It’s excessive. And yet I know that I have thousands more photos. But at least for now I think I’ll take a break from all that. It will give me time to get new pictures. lol Not something I need really, but I do like contrasting new and old photos. I tried to include pictures from the last 6 years in with the rest. We’ll see how that all shakes out. Perhaps I’ll cut way back on the number of collages here and just alternate them every now and again to keep it fresh? I don’t have a lot of feedback to go on, by design. People are such assholes online and I don’t want to have to deal with them, but that means I can’t accept any of the compliments either. Oh well.

I need to pack my backpack up now and get ready for bed. I need to get up by 9 and leave by 10. I’ll probably have a smoothie before I go.

Tonight lyric quote is from “Broken Head” by Catherine Wheel, from their essential 1993 album “Chrome”.

I’d share a link to the song here but Spotify is being shitty again. Which is why I’ve started including these photos and mentions of what the fuck I’m getting my title quotes from.

Edit: It’s Tuesday morning, May 19, 2026. I’ve had my smoothie. And Spotify is working so I’m adding the link to the song:



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“All The Things You Do To Me We Could Exaggerate”

I walked .02 miles to a local grocery store. I picked up a head of cauliflower, some mushrooms and the waffles that my dietician recommended. After I took that home the weather was so lovely that I changed and walked to the park. When I go to Fort Tryon Park, I love to sit in this area called the Linden Terrace, where I often call my grandmother as I take in the view of the Hudson River and New Jersey across the river. On my way to the park I had a resurgence of this pain that I sometimes get in my ankles / shins. I sat on a bench just outside the park and called my sister, Janice, who I spoke to for about 20 minutes, eventually walking into the park and continued to chat with her. There were so many squirrels in the park today, many of them approaching me in a way that I’ve never seen before; I assumed that many people feed them and this was confirmed by my friend Nathan later. Walking to Linden Terrace from our apartment is exactly a mile. I felt good and the pain had gone. I took a longer, more scenic route home, so I’m sure I walked about 3 miles today. And that’s me being out 13 days in a row.

I passed this woman feeding pigeons on my way home. 05-15-26.

I traded texts with Janice and Nathan. I had some nice moments with Celine and Aaron. And I just chilled for the rest of the afternoon.

Aaron is taking me to a Stonewall Chorale party tomorrow that will feature a talent show in which none of the performers can sing as their talent. I’m reading a poem, but I’m not sure which title I’ll pick. I’ve narrowed it down to a few, but I think it will depend on how the audience seems. Really, I’d share all of them if I could. Not because I think I’m an amazing writer, but because I have a very hard time deciding anything! lol

I’m staying up a bit later tonight to get some stuff ready for that and I haven’t really gotten ready for bed yet. If I get to bed by 1am I should be fine.

Today’s title quote is from “Rebirth of the Cool” by The Afghan Whigs from their 1992 album “Uptown Avondale”.

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