Tag: Aaron Sanko

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“Emotional Images Drawn with a Single Line”

The other day, someone described my body as toned. Did I already mention that? lol The idea that anyone would ever is laughable. And yet…here are the very small muscles to prove it! lol I took these before bed on Thursday (October 1). I mention this because I’ve started lifting weights since then. I bought a set of very light weights about a year ago? I never did anything with them before though. But since I have these little muscles I’m trying to use them. I feel a little silly, lifting. I don’t really know what I’m doing at all, but I can feel the muscles working, which is fascinating for someone who’s never experienced such a thing before!

On Friday, October 2, the weather was sort of all over the place. It was sunny. It was cloudy. It was like a hot summer day, but then suddenly overcast and almost raining. This kind of stuff affects my mood a lot. I decided I needed to get outside. As I got ready to shower, I had the funniest thought and wondered if my new muscled hadn’t been a dream! But they were still there, I checked. I’ve always had a little bit of a belly, ever since I was a kid. It didn’t matter how thing I was, I always had a belly. I suspect this is because I was malnourished, having never eaten in a remotely healthy manner, and struggling to eat at all a child – actually, struggling to starve myself due to trauma. For the first time, I wondered if I might be able to lose the belly and what I might look like if I did. I guess I’ve thought about it before, but it never seemed like an actual possibility. But now? I’m eating really healthy – far healthier than any other time in my life. It’s not even close. And I’m seeing real signs of physical improvement, in a way that I never have before. So maybe it’s possible? I’m not sure I have the positivity to believe that it could really happen, but I’m at least thinking about it, which I haven’t let myself do in decades.

So I showered and shaved and got ready to go out. I decided on no eyeliner or jewelry. Just to be different. I wasn’t sure where I was going. I considered heading to a library in Inwood to see my friend Isaiah. I also thought I would like to walk there through Fort Tryon Park, but I wasn’t sure if I could make it before they closed, as the path through the park is far more circuitous than just walking up Broadway, which felt disappointing, and made me wished I’d stepped outside sooner. I also considered walking to the Little Red Lighthouse under the George Washington Bridge, as I’ve not been there in over a year and it’s a walk I thought I could handle. But that made me realize I still wasn’t sure how people got onto the G.W.B. anymore, given the construction that has been going on since the last time I walked across. So I headed in search of the answer, and found it, surprisingly quickly. The entryway is around 180th Street & Cabrini Avenue. I hadn’t actually planned to walk across the bridge and the shoes I was wearing weren’t as comfortable as I had hoped, but I started across. I only made it about a quarter of the way, but that’s a lot further than it might seem, as the path before the bridge is oddly curvy and forces you to walk much further than if you were moving directly from point to the other.

I headed home after that little adventure. I felt like I could walk a bit more but I was sweaty and I didn’t like the shoes I was wearing. I went home, showered the sweat off, put on my eyeliner and makeup, changed, and did my usual 2 mile hike to Fort Tryon’s Linden Terrace and back. Collectively, I had walked much further than I usually do and on my way home I could really feel it and my legs were sore the next day. I stayed in on Saturday but I used the weights again.

I had trouble sleeping Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I went to be very early on each night, woke up after 4 or 5 hours, got up and struggled to get back to sleep later, as I knew I had to be up at 7 each day to help motivate Aaron, which is favor he asked of me. He’s been depressed, and morning activity has become something quite difficult for him. I’m happy to help him, only I struggle with keeping the same hours. I’ve had a lot of success sleeping at night the last few years – again, far more success than at any other time in my life, but there are activities that I can only accomplish at night when Aaron is asleep. Work on my website can be tricky when Aaron is working out of the same office because he projects his voice when he’s in a Zoom meeting or on the phone, and it’s quite loud. Sometimes I can hear him through headphones when I’m at the opposite end of the apartment and through several doors, so imagine trying to work through that with us in the same room. It’s not that I don’t want to be around him; its that we need very different environments to work effectively. I also need the lights to be dimmed or shaded as my eyes are very sensitive to light. Bright (even normal) lights are distracting and can cause me migraines. He needs the light for his video appointments and his general wellbeing. So my working in the office at night is generally a good way for me to get a lot done, even if it means I come to bed late. But if I come to bed late now, I can’t sleep in because I need to be up at 7 to help Aaron. It’s a conundrum. But it’s been a little less than a week since he asked me for the help. I’m hoping we either fall into a rhythm that works for us both, or we come up with some other option. I’m just not sure what that will be.

Last night was rough. I woke up around 11:30pm after going to bed around 7. I think I would have gone right back to sleep but I was concerned about Aaron, who was still not in bed. I got up. But in getting up I woke up fully and stayed awake. I got a lot of work done on several projects, but when I would have gone to bed at 5, I worried that if I did go to bed and it took me a bit to get to sleep, I would need to get up at 7 so that I could assist Aaron. So I decided to stay awake instead. But when I spoke to Aaron at 7, he said he appreciated this but that I could just go to sleep. On the one hand I was grateful and fell asleep in Aaron’s arms. But on the other hand I was annoyed that I wasn’t able to go to bed sooner for fear of fucking things up later. It’s not like I could ask him if it was okay while he was sleeping.

Today has been a mixed bag. The weather was overcast and gloomy. And the work I’ve been doing on my website, is mostly related to my Marvel Cinematic Multiverse viewing order – as I’ve found new ways to present the information that I find really exciting – but it’s also a lot of work. And I’d like to finish a bit more, a lot more really, before showing friends. But not finishing this stuff is frustrating. It’s like there’s no payoff for all the work.

Aaron had gone to choir practice and I was so depressed I felt like cutting, honestly, which I suppose would have been ironic, since the scars on my wrists are from a suicide attempt 30 years ago today. I wasn’t thinking suicide though. But the idea of cutting popped up and I decided to combat that as best as I could. I shaved and showered. I ate. I had pita, hummus, nuts, lettuce and olives. Later I had a smoothie. I dressed. I danced. I danced alone in my apartment, which was fun. And I used the weights again. Later I decided to work on another viewing order that I knew I could finish in a short span of time and now there’s a viewing order for the Underworld franchise.

Aaron arrived home just as I started writing this. He had fallen and injured himself in the street. I’m concerned. I got him to take some Ibuprofen and asked he wanted to go to the clinic across the street. He wants to stay in tonight and if it’s bad tomorrow he’ll go, but he did take the ibuprofen.

Oh! I don’t think I mentioned this but the other day I updated my NSFW Photo Collages with 6 more entries. And I think that’s all the news I have for now.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Dead Enough For Life”, a song by Norwegian electronic music band Icon of Coil, from their 2004 album “Machines Are Us”, which is one of the songs that I was dancing to earlier. It’s on a playlist I often listen to when I walk and I used to hear it at the club a lot.

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“All the Poetry and the Trunk You Kept Your Life In”

I did cuddle with Aaron yesterday morning. Then we showered together. I stayed in. I had been excited to return to Zumba Class this week, but I had a migraine so I didn’t go. I slept pretty well that night though.

This morning I woke up around 5, inspired to work on my website, solving several problems with my Marvel viewing order. I worked on it for hours but I got a lot done. I returned to Aaron around 7 or 7:30 to shower, then went back to working on my site. I took a brief nap at one point. But I was at my computer most of the day. At around 4:30 pm I felt I needed to get outside. I shaved and showered, dressed and did my 2 mile walk to Fort Tryon and back. I passed a film crew at one point but didn’t stop to see what they were working on. I also walked by Nathan, a guy that Aaron and I hooked up with several months ago. We waved, but we didn’t stop. He was walking with someone who I think is his roommate. Part of me thought: I’ve become one of those gays that slightly acknowledges people I’ve been intimate with as we encounter each other, without saying hello. But I was walking, and he didn’t call out or anything, and I don’t know what was going on. I wasn’t bothered, but it was an odd moment.

I was wearing a Concrete Blonde shirt, from the “Bloodletting” album, which I love. I listened to it as I walked. I got a spinach wrap at Starbucks on my way home and also stopped to get some more pita bread from the grocery store. The wrap was delicious. I showered the sweat from the walk off, started listening to “Mexican Moon” (also by Concrete Blonde) and decided to write this.

As I started this, Aaron arrived back home, after having moved the car to a new parking garage that will save us $300 a month. That’s nice. I showed him the new (final) VisionQuest trailer, which he liked – and I loved. I can’t wait to see it!

I’m starting to wind down. I might play some Zelda before bed.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Caroline”, a song by American alternative rock band Concrete Blonde from their third studio album, “Bloodletting”, which was released on May 15, 1990. The album features guest appearances by R.E.M.’s Peter Buck and Wall of Voodoo’s Andy Prieboy. “Caroline” was released in September 1990 as the third single and was written by Johnette Napolitano, and produced by Concrete Blonde and Chris Tsangarides. Mike Boehm, writing for the Los Angeles Times, described “Caroline” as “a mysterious, gorgeously evocative song that recalls Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rhiannon’.” In a review of Bloodletting’, Marc D. Allan of The Indianapolis Star wrote, “‘Caroline’ is a good example of the band’s strengths. Napolitano’s lush vocals, combined with Mankey’s eerie guitar, create a subtle but powerful piece of pop.” In a retrospective review, Ned Raggett of AllMusic described the song’s lyrics as “addressing a departed friend”. I don’t recall the song from the time, but when I bought the album several years later it quickly became my favorite track, though I love all of the songs and seldom ever just listen to a single song from it, rather I listen to the whole thing.

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“Only Fools Do What I Do”

Saturday (09/26/26) Aaron and I did go see Avengers: Endgame Encore, which we both enjoyed. The theater was mostly sold out – not every seat was full, but every row was nearly full, with just a seat here or there empty. I wasn’t sure how many people would go to see a release of a 7 year old film, even with a few new scenes. It was a good time. People cheered, gasped, clapped, laughed and cried in the appropriate scenes, even though most of them had seen the film before. I cried 3 times myself. The new material amounted to 2 fun introductions + a new final scene & 3 credit scenes. All of it was amazing. Aaron and I are both very hyped for Avengers: Doomsday in December and various other upcoming Marvel projects.

I was very uncomfortable before leaving for the film. I was bleeding a little from my surgery (which was expected), but it was not pleasant. But I pushed through because Aaron was so excited to see the movie and I’m glad I did because it really was a fun experience. And because I knew the movie very well, I didn’t feel bad heading to the bathroom a couple of times. We didn’t end up watching any Star Trek. We still haven’t actually. When I do think of watching Strange New Worlds, Aaron isn’t around. And when he’s around, I don’t want to watch it at all. It just hasn’t been good enough. And also, I’ve just not been watching much of anything lately – while Aaron has been watching more than ever. I think he’s binged all of “Loki” since seeing the movie. I don’t think I’ve watched anything.

On Sunday (09-27-26) we stayed in. and mostly worked on our own projects. He mostly watched TV and played video games. I worked on my website and also played video games. I’m still playing Breath of the Wild. Still reading Magic’s Pawn. Nothing much has changed really. Oh. Except that on Sunday I weighed myself and I was down to 180.4.

I’ve said this a lot lately, but again, this is the lowest I’ve weighed in years. I’m still about 10 lbs over what I used to weigh most of the time, but I’ve come a long way. I’ve lost 40 lbs since last year and 30.6 of those lbs have been lost in the last 6 months. I’m doing really good work on my health. I feel good. There are other parts of my life that need work, but it’s a balance and a process and I think healthy ties into nearly everything else, so that’s really good.

Also, the pain from my September 18th procedure is gone now. That’s nice. And in the last few months I’ve struggled to feel sexual in any way, and I feel like some of that is coming back, due in part to several therapies and self-love type experiments. And all of that is contributing to my sense of wellbeing. There’s a lot of stress in my life currently, having to do with money and people that I love who need help (not with money) and I want to be there for them, and I’m worried that I’ll fuck that up somehow. But otherwise, I’m doing pretty well.

On Monday (09-28-26) I went out with Aaron to attend one of his pool games at the Metropolitan Bar in Brooklyn. I’d been there before with him, but it had been several years. Fun was had. I met several new players, one of whom, Parker, carried on a fun conversation. I also met random bar people (Tyler, Michael & Joseph), who entertained me. Those 3 and a 4th are roommates who live in Ridgewood. Michael and Joseph are brothers; Michael is 7 years older than Joseph, in his 30s while Joseph is 26 – they’re both from Georgia. Tyler is from Minnesota. They were so much fun to talk to. I hope we cross paths again someday, or if not, that they just continue to be fun people.

I stayed in on Tuesday (09-29-26). I had therapy, which was productive. And I got a lot of work done on my Marvel Multiverse Guide, finding a new format that seems to be perfect – except later I found that there was a problem that I either need to solve now or run into it multiple times, which would be exhausting. So I had to stop. Which was frustrating. So, I did a rudimentary guide for A Song of Ice and Fire, so I could feel like I finished something! lol

Aaron went to choir for the first time this season. I was working on all that and had some success and something I’ve struggled with for years. It doesn’t mean I’m cured, but it’s a positive experience and that’s good. Later I spoke to my grandmother on the phone before heading to bed, just as Aaron arrived home. I slept from about 10 to about 3. I got up to pee and came back to bed but the TV was on and it seemed to be too bright. I couldn’t tell if it was actually brighter than normal and that I should risk adjusting it (and possibly waking Aaron) or if I was just being hypersensitive to any light (which can be a problem for me), so I just decided to get up. I knew I wanted to work on my site. I worked on several collages, which will be posted at a later time – as I want to randomize them and post several at once. Then I wrote a poem, inspired by that collage. And then I wrote this blog entry.

I need to go shower with Aaron now (or cuddle if there is time).

All the songs from this Troye Sivan album are still stuck in my brain, so I just picked another of the songs today. “Fools” is where this blog entry title springs from, from “Blue Neighborhood”.

I really do need to run!

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“Today Was Gonna Be The Day”

I’m having a slice of Dave’s Good Seed thin sliced bread, toasted with butter and chia seeds. Peanuts, almonds, pecans, some plantain chips and a kiwi. Sipping a buka black raspberry bai boost. It’s a bit after midnight, so September 22, 2026.

Yesterday, Monday, September 21, I went to bed around 5am. I hadn’t noticed it was so late but I managed to sleep without my usual dose of sleeping medication, which was nice. I also read a bit more of “Magic’s Pawn”, which I’m reading very slowly. I believe I’m in Chapter 4. Honestly, I usually start with this chapter, as that’s when I feel like the book starts getting good, but since I’m waiting for a sequel to be released, I decided I’d read the whole book this time.

I slept until around noon. So, about 7 hours. I wanted to eat healthy today and I wanted to make sure I got outside and got some exercise. I managed to do all that. I had a couple of blueberry / zucchini smoothies. I had a pita with lettuce, hummus and Italian salad dressing. I had an egg wrap with hummus and olives. I walked 2 miles. My legs were fine, no pain, no discomfort, but walking home I was sweating and my nose was running. I was tired. I showered and took a brief nap. Later I had 8 tots, 4 cauliflower, 4 broccoli and cheese. I also had some fiber infused water.

I played a bit of Zelda, but not too long. Maybe an hour? I worked on my website a bit.

Aaron didn’t go to the clinic today. He called into work but felt a bit better as the day went on. That’s good. He skipped going to pool though. He’s stressed and sick and tired. We’re having some money problems and he was putting in a grocery order on my Amazon card and I told him I didn’t feel comfortable using that card until I can pay it off. He said that we’d be able to do that on Friday, and I told him that I would then cancel my groceries until that happens – and that I have food, which I can stretch out until then. He was upset. He said that his money problems are now affecting my eating, but really, if it’s gonna change on Friday I’ll be fine. I mean, another goal of mine today was to not spend any money, and I didn’t. I didn’t buy anything. I didn’t take the train. I didn’t go to Starbucks. I should also have some food stamps left that I can pick something up at the grocery store this week.

I’m tired. Maybe I should go to bed.

Oh. I rescheduled a test I was going to have with my cardiologist this week, until I can fully heal from Friday’s procedure. I have therapy tomorrow (or later today, I should say).
If I go to bed I can read a little before I pass out. But I might linger a bit here first. We’ll see.


Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Wonderwall” by Oasis as covered by American musician Ryan Adams, which was released on “Love Is Hell”, his fifth studio album, which was originally released as two EPs, “Love Is Hell pt. 1” (which featured the track) and “Love Is Hell pt. 2”.

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“Where All That’s Bad Is Good”

I stayed in Saturday (09/29/26), after staying up all night and sleeping for about 7 hours. The pain from Friday’s procedure was worse when I woke, but it waned with medication. I worked on several viewing orders (completely reworking and simplifying my American Horror Story viewing order) and also on a writing project that I likely won’t share here because, honestly, I’m not sure it’s legal to post. But posting it somewhere doesn’t really feel like the point anyways; it’s totally personal and just for me.

Poor Aaron. I’ve mostly gotten over the cold we both had, but his seems to have moved deeper into his lungs. He’s going to the clinic tomorrow to see what they say.

I went to bed relatively early on Saturday and slept in on Sunday (09/20/26). Aarn had said that he wanted us to watch some Star Trek this weekend so I suggested we try to catch up on Strange New Worlds, as we were 4 episodes behind and the season will end this Thursday. We were both kind of dreading it as we’ve been very unhappy with the season so far, but we were also both pleasantly surprised but what we saw. First we watched S04E06 “Off-Hour”, which was a take on disaster movies. Each episode of Strange New Worlds of late has a gimmick, a genre, and they’ve often felt redundant or pointless. This episode felt like Trek. It was well written, well acted and well produced. Everything looked great and though some of the violence seemed a bit more graphic than we’d like, it fit the scenario. I would say this was easily my favorite episode of these last two seasons (3 & 4). We decided to watch another episode (S04E07 “Like Chronitons Through the Hourglass”), which we also enjoyed. It wasn’t as good as the previous installment, but was better than anything else this year. I knew some stuff about this one before I watched and I was a bit surprised how much I liked it as it’s essentially a sequel to an episode I don’t love, and I knew it would be providing things I wanted, but in a soap opera scenario that I wasn’t interested in. Most of it worked. The soap opera element was used a little bit longer than I would have liked, but considering all that could have gone wrong with that story, I was relieved how well it did all hold together. And I also felt that Anson Mount, who tends to be one of the weaker elements in this series, felt like he gave a great performance here.

As of now, we only have 9 episodes left of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, 3 episodes this season, 6 episodes next season. Before watching these 2, I was ready for it to end. Now…I’m still ready for it to end. I like more of it than I don’t, but even if the next 3 episodes knock it out of the park (which I doubt), this is still the weakest season of the series to date, and Season 3 wasn’t a winner either – indeed, I’ve liked each season less, as a whole, than the season which preceded it. I practically begged for this series to be made after Season 2 of Discovery reintroduced Pike’s Enterprise, but this is not what I had envisioned, and I know that’s not really the job of those who make the show, to make everything the way that I would want, but for me, Strange New Worlds has been the biggest disappointment for this Star Trek fan of any series in the modern era. There’s just so much untapped potential here – but I’m not sad that it’s ending, because I’m not at all convinced they would explore the characters in any more depth then they already have, which is to say, hardly at all. They are so keen on getting to Kirk and company, that they barely scratched the surface of Pike and his comrades. I don’t get it.

The pain increased as the day wore on. Aaron was playing the new Wolverine game. I decided to distract myself by replaying my favorite video game: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, which I’ve done many times at this point. I played for maybe an hour. And now I’m trying to get some work done on a few projects. Today has just been a bit blah. Hoping to get back in the groove this week.

Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “The Ballad of the Witches’ Road”, a song from the Marvel Studios Disney+ television miniseries Agatha All Along, written by composers Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez.[1] Eight versions of the song were used throughout the series; the main version is referred to as the “Sacred Chant Version”, but the one stuck that is most often stuck in my head is a mashup by Andy Wu that combines it with “Bloody Mary” by Lady Gaga, and in the video, also includes imagery from the series “Wednesday”, known as “The Ballad of the Bloody Mary Witches’ Road”:

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“To Drag You Down With Me”

Today was tough. A lot of serious discussions with Aaron: money, banking, trust, communication – but all of it was productive. Later there was therapy with Anna, who backed up everything I was thinking and feeling, supportive but honest. I followed that up with a long overdue conversation with Katie and also went for a two-mile walk, which was complicated by my cold symptoms – my nose would not stop running. But I was walking pretty quickly with no leg pain and realizing just how strong I’ve become.

Oh. Before all of that, this morning I had egg white, with chia seeds, some seasoning & a bit of parmesan cheese. And a bit after 1 I weighed myself, figured I’d probably gained a bit of weight, a normal amount of weight, but I’d actually lost some, even with the food. 182.8lbs. I’m aiming for 168 / 170, so I have a ways to go, but I started at 220, so I’m doing great. Even with a cold, less exercise and being a little less strict with my diet. That is astounding to me. I was 211 in March, so I’ve lost over 28 lbs in 6 months – and initially, I wasn’t even trying to lose weight, but just making some healthier choices. Crazy.

When I got home from my walk., I showered off the sweat and worked on my website for a few hours, adding more details to my new DC Extended Universe / DCU page. It’s ironic that I’m putting so much effort into something that I don’t actually enjoy that much. To me, this series of films and TV are sometimes fantastic but more often horrible, while the MCU is usually fantastic and sometimes…less so. Which is weird, because I like DC comics more than I like Marvel, and I’ve also enjoyed more DC adaptations over the years than Marvel. But I guess the MCU is very clearly something special, even removed from the comics conversation, as it is easily the highest grossing film franchise in history.

I’m tired. I’m not too hungry but I just had an olive / hummus egg wrap, as I’ll need to fast starting at 1am through my doctor’s appointment at 1pm. Just water and medication or it will fuck up my bloodwork and I don’t want that again. I also have a video appointment in the morning for a possibly hypnotherapist (though I’m not sure that’s the right title, which is part of what the interview will clear up); this particular therapist has been recommended by two of my doctors, wholly separate from one another, so I’m checking her out and we’ll see how that goes.

I might go to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open.

Today’s song quote journal entry title is from “Fascination Street”, by English rock band the Cure from their eighth studio album, “Disintegration” (1989), though I first heard the extended version, which was included on the Cure’s 1990 remix album “Mixed Up”, the first Cure album I ever owned, and the first CD I ever bought.


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“If Only Tonight We Could Sleep”

I stayed up working on my website Wednesday night, fixing this and touching up that. I did go to bed Thursday morning for about 6 hours. I then worked on my website all day Thursday, mostly working on a new DC Animated Universe page, which is new to this site, but is a project I’ve worked on and off for about 20 years. I have so many notes and spreadsheets, none of it very organized, that it’s all very confusing. So I spent the day laying down a lot of the groundwork for that. I updated other pages too. And I also got a bit of poetry written.

But now I’ve been up all goddamn night. I couldn’t really help it tonight. I had so much on my mind and I wanted to contemplate and write and just be HERE. I had forgotten that someone was coming to fix our bedroom light this morning so I was panicked but Aaron (who got up to pee) told me that the light in question hadn’t arrived, so I’m off the hook for now. I’m still getting ready for bed though, having taken some cough Nyquil Cold & Flu to keep my coughing at bay while I attempt to sleep. This cold really hasn’t been that bad overall. It’s inconvenient as Jennifer is in town with her brother and I likely would have seen her, had I not been sick. But I mean, compared to Covid-19, which gave me hallucinations both times I had it – the last time involving a spectral image of my father trying to convince me to cut out my own eyes, this feels pretty mild.

While I didn’t go out, partially because I’m taking it easy for now because I’m sick, and partially just because I didn’t really want to, I did eat pretty well. I had a couple smoothies (cherries, blueberries & zucchini), pita bread, lettuce, hummus, olives, cauliflower tots, water (with fiber) and Bai Berry Boost beverages. I was also pleasantly surprised to see that I hadn’t gained any weight in Michigan, despite not always being able to stick to my healthier diet and having a bit less exercise, I think. I did eat better than I have on other trips home. But yeah, I actually lost a couple of pounds. I weighed 183.8 yesterday. I’m nearly in the 170s!?! 170 would be perfect for me. And we’ll see what my doctors say.

Also in Michigan, I noticed, randomly while stretching, that I have muscles growing in my arms. That’s never happened before. Never ever. I haven’t even been lifting weights or anything yet. But that’s encouraging. I can only assume that this has to do with my diet, which again, has become drastically healthier this year, with choices that don’t feel like work at all because I really do enjoy them. The amount of fruit and vegetables, plus supplements, fiber etc. which have been successfully added to my daily diet is really fascinating to me and if anyone is reading this, I’m sure you’re tired of hearing about it, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get tired of talking about it.

Alright. I need to go to bed, where I will likely read a page or two of “Magic’s Pawn” before I close my eyes. I hope I sleep a long time!

This journal entry title song quote is from “If Only Tonight We Could Sleep”, a song by English rock band the Cure. It is fourth song on the band’s seventh studio album “Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me”, which was released in 1987.

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“This Is Where We Used To Live”

Sunday, August 30, 20026. I went to sleep last night (Saturday, August 29) around 11pm after being crazy tired and reading maybe a page or two of my book. I woke up twice. I managed to get back to sleep. My dreams were dull. Aaron and I took over a bar / gas station / restaurant and he gave me a jukebox that only took cassette tapes and .45 records. The gift was shared with one of his lovesick lines about me, which always make me smile. Jennifer Clemente stopped through, buying those collectible bobbleheads? There was more that I don’t remember. At the end I was driving, following directions, and I made a wrong turn, ending up on a recurring nightmare image that I’ve not seen in a long time, in which I go over a bridge which is so tall and that I get frightened as I drive up the first side of it. I pulled over in the dream and walked back down.

I woke around 6. Got back to sleep again, briefly, woke up at 7. Got up. Made a blueberry zucchini smoothie. I added too much almond milk, but it’s fine. I’ll finish getting ready pack up the things I needed to use this morning. And I need the uber to pick me up in about 2 hours.

The Uber was easy and early. My bag was 7 lbs heavy and cost $100. I paid with Amazon card but know now in future to always use American Express as they reimburse us. I would have tried but the card had failed several times this week, even after Aaron said he fixed it. I used it to by snacks (after I breezed through security): mixed salted nuts, Smart Water and plantain chips. I went to the Sky Club to chill with a vodka neat. I called my father (David), my grandmother and my cousin Linda. My flight started boarding at 12:15, which is when I got onboard. Though I don’t “look like it”, I’m legally disabled and I always worry about not having enough time to get settled so I always board early and I’ve only been hassled about it once, by another passenger, and I called them out on their bullshit, loudly. The flight was calm. The man sitting next to me was a giant, tall and muscular, had to raise the armrest between us to sit down, but he wasn’t unruly, and mostly slept.

Detroit Metro was like coming home, which I suppose it is. I’ve now flown there so often that I know my way around pretty well. I knew right where to go and what to do. And Aunt Marge was on time. She got me to Mooreville and I got to visit with Grandma, Janice, Jill, Marge & Mike, Linda, Marion, Joy and Nate. Mary Ellen stopped in to drop the car off and was thrilled about her farm fresh tomatoes. I left as soon as decency (and Joy) would allow. I was tired and hungry and aching for a shower, but also nervous about driving after so long, getting groceries before the store closed, getting checked into my hotel, and unloading everything on my own before I could relax, shower, eat and unwind…but I did all those things. It took me awhile to get to sleep and I woke a few times but I slept more often than not.

Side note: Joy. My cousin has been going through something. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel like it must be grief. Both her father Dwight and step-father Marvin died in December. It makes sense that she would be grieving and I hope that’s all it is, but I’ve spoken to her many times in the last few months and she always sounds stoned. She calls at all hours and it’s very difficult to hold a conversation with her. She’s not cruel. She’s very nostalgic and sweet! But she doesn’t respect my time or my boundaries at all. I’ve also now seen her in person twice this summer and both times I’m sure she was on drugs. This last time she annoyed several people who were there (as I was later told) and she lied to my face. She recorded a video of a very sensitive conversation. I asked at the time if she was recording and she said no. I know she actually did record it because she sent me the video. It starts with me asking if she’s recording and her lie to me that she isn’t. When I called her on this behavior she said I was being mean. She also played loud music when others were trying to speak and I later learned that she stayed at my 95 year old grandmother’s home until after 10pm, despite one of the concerns of my visit being that we might keep grandma awake too long. That’s far from the whole thing, but it’s enough. I worry that there might be something psychologically going on with her, some sort of mental illness. Sometimes people are compared to children as an insult, but several people who spoke of her behavior after compared her to a child and I could tell, they weren’t trying to be dismissive or insulting, she really did behave like a child would. The lie about the video sounded like something a 3 year old might do, thinking they were being clever. She’s 52. I was angry about the lie, but more than anything, I’m just really worried about her. I reached out to a relative closer to her who might be better equipped to help and also, just to see if I was overreacting, but not only did they agree that my concerns were valid, they had different but similar experiences that mine added context too. So I hope this works itself out. I’m not sure what else I can do. I don’t live there. And I don’t think talking to her about it will help at all. She’s told me things that she should be communicating to a doctor. Her mother, who I also adore, is surely also grieving the deaths of her husband and ex-husband, so I didn’t feel right reaching out to her. I really hope I’m worrying over nothing. I just don’t think that I am.

Monday, August 31.

Joy sent me the video this morning but I’ve explained that already.

I was up and ready when Aaron and Bernard arrived. It was wonderful to see them. Bernard had injured his thumb somehow, and on their trip to Michigan, they’d spoken to Bernard’s mother who was extremely weak; they had an ambulance take her to hospital and Bernard left to join her right away.

Aaron and I decided to stay in and relax. It was raining and we’d both had some stressful days, and we didn’t really have any plans for the day. I tried to set something up with Darla for Tuesday but she’s come down with a cold. Jennifer wanted to see us so we’re going to have Aaron’s haircut appointment at 3. Then we’ll pick up Jennifer from the V.A. Hospital in Detroit for some dinner before we take her home. Aaron’s sister may join us as well. Jennifer will actually be in the New York area when we get home so we may get to see her twice in 1 month, in 2 different States. Oh, and we’re meeting my dad and Janice Wednesday evening. And when we’re in town for Aaron’s appointment, we will likely stop by his mom’s to pick up some stuff we need for camping. Bedtime.

Tuesday, September 1, 2026. I struggled to sleep. I woke up several times. The air doesn’t really cool down much in the bedroom, which is where I like it to be cool. We bought a fan, which helped a little.

When I did get up, at 9, I felt relatively well rested. And I got up and had a smoothie. Aaron told me that Bernard fractured his thumb and that his dear sweet momma had sepsis and was basically comatose now. The news seemed to get worse throughout the day, though we tried to make the best of it. I shaved and showered while the news poured in. Later, Aaron took me over to see where I used to live on Longshore Drive & Wright Street. This is where I lived when I met Aaron. Then we went to the place he had lived when I met him.

The prognosis for Miss Peggy improved. They discovered the cause of her infection was an untreated kidney stone and performed a procedure to remove it. They also learned what kind of bacteria was causing her trouble, which allowed them to more effectively treat her exact condition. This made everything in the day feel far more hopeful.

We went to Detroit to see Jenna Drudi, Aaron’s fantastic hair stylist from days gone by, and we all got along famously. It was great to hear all their fun stories. She has a fucking amazing voice. She really needs to do a podcast!

Soon after we met Aaron’s sister Tristan for dinner at Ottava Via, in the historic Corktown neighborhood. The vibe was mostly chill (until later when it got very crowded), the food was delicious and the company was exquisite. Jennifer Clemente was planning on joining us but had to cancel as she was working late. We made plans to see her the following night.

After the dinner we parted ways and met up with Bernard and “Andy Pandy” at a spare apartment he owns? Bernard and Aaron worked on legal details concerning Bernie’s mother and plans of care. Andy and I chit-chatted, having met briefly in 2012 but never really talking. We had about as much fun as we could under the circumstances and I shared several of my viewing orders with Andy. And then Aaron I headed back to the hotel, stopping to get a few things from Meijer.

Wednesday, September 2. We tried to return items to Amazon via several locations but the struggle was real! Then we stopped by Mary Ellen’s for camping supplies before heading over to pick up my father and meeting Janice, Jordan and Jennifer for dinner. Earlier I had a spinach feta wrap from Starbucks, which quickly became a favorite of mine. I’d had a couple of them back in 2012 but my stomach couldn’t handle them at the time – it seems to be doing better now. I had a bit of a panic attack in the car having to do with something that happened a few years ago, which was brought forward by unexpected news. But I think I managed relatively well, grounding, talking to Aaron. I’ll need to talk to my therapist about that at our next appointment. Dinner went better than expected. Janice had also noticed Joy’s bizarre behavior. I think I steered the tone from “Joy is behaving like this and it’s annoying” to “Joy has been behaving like this for months, I think something bigger is going on and now we’re all very concerned”. Jennifer got to meet my dad. I got to speak to Jordan. Everyone got along. I sat between Janice and Dad, across from Aaron, who sat between Jordan and Jennifer.

On Thursday September 3rd, packing up the car for the camping trip was a nightmare. We had way too much stuff. The drive to the campground was stressful because of a storm we drove through, but otherwise the trip was fun. Not too long, listening to Good Hang. When we arrived we had to wait for a family of deer to move. Jesse, Mark and Mary Ellen were all in the office, checking in at the same time. We got situated. I was surprised to see Lisa, Andrew and Lindsey all arrive on Thursday as well. I think Jenn and her daughters were both there that day also? It’s a blur now. We didn’t do campfires that night; everyone was tired.

I’m not going to post all the pictures or talk about everything we did. It was a lot. And lots of people that I love were there. They know who they are – so if I miss anyone, it’s just that I’m very tired, so I’m going to rush this last part!

Friday, September 4, we spent time with family. Emily and Zach arrived that day. Tristan, Jasper and Mark Mora arrived that day, as did Andrew’s friends Sandy and John. Jasper fell in love with Sandy at the campfire that night. All was well. My cousin Chris arrived. I think Jocelyn (who lives in Iowa), Lisa’s cousin, also arrived that day. Saturday, September 5 we went kayaking, and I made my first solo trip, figuring it was some good exercise and a fun experience, which it was, though I was tired after. I also started coming down with a cold, or at least I noticed that I was. Tristan, Jasper and Mark Mora left that day. Chris stayed one more night but left in the morning. I mostly hibernated on Sunday, September 6. I made it known I had a cold and that I just wanted to keep everyone free of my germs. We did go to town for cough drops and pizza. I slept okay. But several others (Aaron, Liam, Lindsey, Andrew & later Chris) had cold symptoms as well, so it was going around. Most people left Monday, including Jesse though he left later in the day than most. Tuesday we headed out of Michigan, not stopping at Grandma’s, to keep her safe from the cold we both had. We stopped for the night in Altoona, Pennsylvania, and drove the last 5 hours or so home to New York today, arriving home around 2pm.

We unpacked and tried to relax. We ordered some groceries. Later, Aaron and I watched another episode of Strange New Worlds Season 4, as we were 3 episodes behind and would have been 4 episodes behind tomorrow. Unfortunately, we both really hated this episode (S04E05 “Level-Five Transporter Accident”) and we are both extremely disappointed in this series, which had a promising first couple of seasons, but Seasons 3 & 4 have been progressively worse. There are only 11 more episodes of this series, but it is really bad. I’m hoping the series improves before the end, but unfortunately, it will never be remotely close to what I had hoped it could be. Which, it’s not the creatives job to meet my expectations…we’re just really bummed that Star Trek seems to be ending this era with a whimper, rather than the bang that, again, we’d hoped for.

Aaron just went to bed. I should go to bed but I’m also a bit hyper and there’s so much I want to work on, so we’ll see where I end up.

Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “The Old Apartment” by the Canadian alternative rock group Barenaked Ladies, from their 1996 third full-length studio album, “Born on a Pirate Ship”. I’m not a huge fan of the band myself, but my partner loves them and once skipped school to score tickets to one of their shows. I’ve also had this song stuck in my head since we actually did go see our old apartments, so this seemed appropriate.

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“Welcome To My World of Truth”

Yesterday was rough. Aaron left that morning. I stayed up for a grocery delivery but then slept for 4 hours. I have some health stuff that is really not fun, which I’m not up to sharing at the moment. This place is really therapeutic for me but there’s a level of mistrust for those who might be reading it which I’m not sure how to get over. My original website had a comment section, and tons of ways to contact me, but I was far more naive then and I dread such contact now, even as I display so much of myself here. I know from statistics that a lot more people come here than I ever expected, but I don’t know who they are or what their interest is. Perhaps I should try to change that? But for now, there’s so much work to do that it’s not a priority.

I woke up in a haze, and I had messages from my cousin Joy and my friend Isaiah. I took the time to respond and showered and shaved. I was feeling down about several things and when I got out of the shower I could hear my downstairs neighbors shouting about a leak in their apartment. The super has seen this leak which he equated to a tiny little drop of water, but I’m not sure why this leak wouldn’t happen every time we shower if that was the cause – or why the leak stopped for years and has returned. There’s a lot of questions. But maybe this will lead us to some kind of answer. The super didn’t seem worried about it too much – and he was also clearly upset at being dragged into this on a Saturday, when he’d been taking a nap.

I walked to Starbucks for some tea, but really just to get outside and walk off some of what I was feeling. I also took a Xanax. I don’t take it often, but when I need it I’m glad that I have it. I spoke to Aaron & Bernard about what happened while I walked. That helped. When I got home I had a relatively long chat with Paul Dunn, an old acquaintance of mine, who hooked up with me around January 2001. The conversation was welcomed, friendly and illuminating. But I wanted to try to sleep, so I said goodnight. I chopped up some zucchini to freeze for my smoothies, using the last of the already prepared vegetable to make a cherry zucchini smoothie. I usually have coffee in my smoothies but I skipped it to help with the sleep. I had hoped to get some cleaning done, but yesterday wasn’t the day for it and if I started then I’m sure I’d have been up all night. I also wanted to work on several viewing guides.

I haven’t watched any television the last week. I have quite a lot to watch, or that I want to watch, and I might try to get to those this week as well.

I went to bed that night with some Nyquil, due to some throat irritation from my gastroparesis. I didn’t expect to sleep more than a few hours. I mean, I’ve been on sleeping medication for months and I’ve struggled sleep 6 hours, but I slept 12 hours without trying – getting up 3 or 4 times to pee, thanks to the diuretics I’m also taking (for kidney stones).

I had a morning phone call with Aaron and Bernard who were on their way from Virginia to Florida. I let Aaron know that I’d just read that tickets for Avengers: Endgame Encore are rumored to go on sale tomorrow. Then I had a smoothie and decided to work on a guide to Anne Rice’s Immortal Universe, which went well. I worked on it for hours, which was lovely.

When I took a break, a package meant for Florida arrived here and I called Aaron to let him know and to check in. I realized I was hungry and decided it was time to eat, but first I weighed myself. 186.4 pounds. Wow. That’s the least I’ve weighed in years. And I’m much closer to my goal of 170 pounds than I thought I would be at this point, so that’s great news. In 5 months I’ve lost 24.6 pounds. No diet pills. No starving myself. Just eating smarter and being a little more active. That amazes me. Which is probably obvious since I talk about it all the time now. lol

I think I’m going to have the last of those broccoli cheese tots. I really liked them.

Oh! And a big Happy Birthday to my sister Janice Jeffrey and our father David Wright! <3 I should be seeing them in a little over a week. But these pictures are from a few months ago, when I saw them in June.


Today’s journal title song quote is from “Underneath” by openly gay American singer Adam Lambert, from his second studio album, “Trespassing”, which was released on May 15, 2012. The album debuted at number one on the Billboard 200, selling 77,000 copies in its first week, making Lambert the first openly gay artist to do so in history.

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“I Don’t Want To Be Alone, Where Is My Baby?”

I slept about 6 hours but I tossed and turned, waking up in a very uncomfortable position. My back hurt a little. When I was a kid I slept on the floor and didn’t sleep in a bed until I was around 10? When I would sleep on the floor I’d roll in my sleep, waking in a very different place than when I fell asleep. It’s the same now at times in bed, only I don’t roll out of the bed, thankfully. lol

When I got up around noon, after stretching and responding to some texts, I weighed myself again. 189lbs. I was a bit surprised by that. I was 189.4 yesterday, but I expected to weigh a bit more today. People, I’ve learned this year, gain and lose a few pounds most days and I figured that yesterday’s reading was me at my lower end of that scale, but apparently not. Hopefully this trend continues. I want my PCP to be shocked at my results next month. lol And then I plan on switching doctors. I’m still pissed about how my results were fucked up back in June and the tailspin that I very narrowly avoided.

I had a blueberry zucchini smoothie for breakfast. Later I tried some broccoli cheese tots, which I enjoyed. I worked on my website, starting a DC Multiverse page – which is in a very early stage. My friend, Michael Anderson, who often consults me for viewing orders recently asked for my Arrow Multiverse order. I gave him what I had finished, which he said was perfect. I have it saved as a Google Spreadsheet, but now I’ve started converting that information to be displayed here. But I want to do something beyond the Arrowverse. I mean, the Arrowverse interacts with the DC Extended Universe (in their adaptation of “Crisis on Infinite Earths”), which clearly ties into the current DC Universe. So I’ll try to break it all down here.

After working on that for several hours I shaved and I showered. I was thinking of my mom again, so wore the elephant key chain she gave me out to get more unsweetened black iced tea. It helps me feel closer to her. When I got back some repairmen came by to fix our washer / dryer – which seems to have been an easy fix actually, so that’s nice – if that’s what was the problem. Aaron is getting ready and packing. He’s leaving tomorrow morning with Bernard, heading to Florida for a week before he & Bernie drive to Michigan on the 30th. I’ll be flying to Michigan that day to meet them, and we’ll be out of New York until September 9. I shouldn’t have to travel again until Thanksgiving (Florida) and then Christmas (Michigan again). Anyways, I’m bummed that Aaron will be gone. I don’t mind being on my own and I do cherish my alone time during the day, but it’s different when Aaron is gone for days at a time. I don’t freak out or anything – but it’s difficult to sleep when his side of the bed is empty. It feels wrong. I’m sure lots of couples can relate.

I just had a cherry zucchini smoothie. I may have some pita bread later with lettuce, or possibly an egg white wrap with olives and hummus, or possibly both, depending on how long I’m awake. I feel tired now, but I’ve had trouble getting to bed this early for at least a week so it seems unlikely that I’ll just fall into bed anytime soon.

Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Where Is My Man”, a song from 1983 by the American singer and actress Eartha Kitt, which appeared on her 1984 album I Love Men. The song was co-written by openly gay comedy writer Bruce Vilanch along with musicians and producers Fred Zarr and the also openly gay Jacques Morali. As far as I know I’d never heard this song until earlier this year. I love it.

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