Aaron and I voted early yesterday afternoon. October 28, 2026. We also watched another TNG episode, with S03E13 “Deja Q”. I went to bed early, falling asleep around 11, but I woke up at 3am (October 29, 2026) and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I got up and worked on my website for a minor update but accidentally deleted all my menus! So that was a stressful time consumer. After that I knew I wasn’t getting back to sleep. I took half a Xanax, shaved and showered, then cuddled with Aaron for about 40 minutes before we got up for his appointment, which went smoothly. I drove us home again, which I handled well despite there being a detour. I spoke to Mollie Baker, briefly on the phone, then tried to relax.
I took a nap. When I woke up I picked up my phone and immediately got a text from Jason Brooks. I had messaged him on Sunday to let him know that Walter Koenig had died – and that he and I are both now older than Patrick Stewart was when he filmed the Star Trek episodes that Aaron and I are watching. I thought that would get a laugh, or something – and this message seemed to be in response to that, only it didn’t really make sense. Fearing the worse, I looked online and sure enough, Patrick Stewart had died at the age of 86. I’ve been in a bit of shock ever since reading that, I think, because I haven’t spent a great deal of time speaking about Patrick Stewart and this week I have. It’s weird. Jarring. His final film will be “Avengers: Doomsday”, which Aaron and I already have tickets for. The film opens the same day as “Dune: Part 3”, which is another oddity, in that Patrick Stewart played the role of Gurney Halleck in David Lynch’s 1984 “Dune” film.
I don’t often cry when celebrities die. It’s not that I don’t care, but I don’t really know them, you know? I cried when George Michael died, which will be 10 years ago this Christmas. And a little while ago, in the shower, I shed tears for Sir Patrick Stewart. Godspeed Captain.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Look Away”, a non-album 2016 single by Eli Lieb and Steve Grand, who are both openly gay.
Sunday (10-11-26) there was a huge storm, with flood warnings for much of Manhattan. I was still having trouble eating and I wasn’t sure why. Aaron and I were talking and I remembered that when we watched Season 3 of “Heartstopper” a few months ago, that the disordered eating scenes hit me really hard but I couldn’t remember why. I later looked up what I wrote about it in my blog at the time, and I read that to Aaron. He commented that he loved my writing, which is something he’s told me many times, but it somehow always surprises me. Later, remembering how I would starve as a child until I felt safe, I realized that this was the problem. There’s an ongoing conversation between me as I am now, and my childhood self. It began in 2006, and has continued over the years as it has proven useful to me, but every now and again I lose sight of this, and it always ends badly when I do. I realized I had not fed my childhood self in a long while, which is to say that when I changed my diet this year I had assured him that this wasn’t a problem and that we weren’t excluding foods that made him feel safe, even if I was eating them less often. I let him know I was going to get him some food he could eat and I started relaxing almost instantly – even as the conversation continued. I calmed him down. I got him what he needed. And things improved drastically. I walked through the heavy rainfall to Starbucks for me, and to the grocery store to get him some chips. That probably sounds crazy, but it’s effective. Nobody took notice of him when I was a kid, when I was him, and so I look after him. Aaron says it sounds like I’m parenting him, and I suppose that’s true.
Lately, things have been really rough. A lot of stress has been coming my way. And a lot of different triggers. I think I’ve managed most of these problems successfully. But I’m just noting that things haven’t been this rough in a long time. I’ve started taking Xanax again, a bit more often than I usually do. I used to take it every day, for years. But I learned other coping skills and those are usually enough. I keep a prescription open and I do use it when I need it, but I’ve needed it more lately. I’m glad that I have it and I feel I’m using it responsibly. I just need to pay a bit more attention to what is going on in my life to make this so much more difficult than it had been.
Oh. On Sunday I watched the first episode of “Avatar: Seven Havens”, which I enjoyed. The episode, plus 2 others, were released on Friday. I’ve only seen a few “Avatar: The Last Airbender” episodes, which I started a few years ago, but didn’t stick with it – even though I enjoyed it a lot. I decided to start over and watched the first 3 or 4 episodes, which again, I enjoyed. I’d really like to see more of his universe and I know it would mean a lot to my cousin Katie, who loves it. It’s not that it doesn’t interest me, but I feel like it’s increasingly difficult for me to stay focused on any one thing, which bothers me, but I kind of like the idea of watching the new series as it unfolds, while catching up on the older stuff. Hopefully I can stay focused on it. I mean, even with everything they’ve announced there’s less than 300 installments, and many of those won’t be available in the near future, so I have no excuse really. I’ll try.
I went to bed early, as I’ve been doing lately, and after reading a big chunk of “Magic’s Pawn”, I slept most of the night, getting up with Aaron after we cuddled for about an hour. Later, I realized that my therapy session, which I thought was on Wednesday is actually on tomorrow, when I need to be with Aaron for his therapy, so I had to move the appointment, which brought on more stress. I decided I needed to go for a walk, and it was about 72 degrees out, much warming than the day before, which had been in the high 50s. I walked to Fort Tryon Park, which is my goto, and as I sat on a park bench, “In This Life” by Madonna started playing on my LGBTQ+ Playlist – and this made me laugh as the first line of the song is “Sitting on a park bench”. My life has become a sad 1992 Madonna song. It came out in October too – I remember well, because it was was released around the same time as Anne Rice’s “The Tale of the Body Thief”, which I was reading. I headed home. I took a shower with Aaron and talked through some stuff with him which made us both feel better.
I weighed myself after the shower and I was shocked to see that I’d lost weight, despite wolfing down the chips I got for Little Jason the night before. I’ve basically lost 40 pounds since last year. That’s crazy.
They released the titles of all 8 episodes of VisionQuest today:
I love the the titles. The first is clearly tied to Ultron, who says the line in “Avengers: Age of Ultron”, while the second installment features a reference to the Ship of Theseus, also known as Theseus’s Paradox, which was the crux of an argument made by Hex Vision (in “WandaVision” S01E09 “The Series Finale”) that started White Vision on the journey that we will seemingly finally see in this new series. Very cool. Reviews are out now and while there are people that didn’t like it, they seem to not like it because it’s mired in M.C.U. continuity, but that’s one my favorite things, so I suspect I’ll enjoy it quite a lot. Reviewers who seem to dig the M.C.U. as much as I do seem to have loved it. The episodes are released at 9pm, which might be rough for me. I’ve been going to bed really early. But maybe I’ll get up early so I can watch them – or stay awake. We’ll see.
I’m already tired, and I have the beginnings of what could be a really bad migraine, so I’m going to get away from my computer, and I might take some painkiller. I’ve been hesitant to take any lately as I feel I was taking it too often, when often my pain either doesn’t improve from the meds, or often, if I just wait it out, it improves on its own. This feels different though, so I will treat it accordingly.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Jesus to a Child” by English singer / songwriter (and gay pop culture icon) George Michael, from his 1996 third solo studio album, “Older”. The song is a melancholic tribute to Michael’s late lover, Anselmo Feleppa, who died of AIDS related complications in 1993. George Michael was one one of my rare celebrity crushes and I wept for him when he died on Christmas day, 2016, nearly 10 years ago, at the age of 53. One of the odd vagaries of existence, is that if you live long enough, when others don’t, you can eventually be older than them. When he died I was 42, but next year, if I’m lucky enough to live that long, I too will be 53. It fucks with my head. I mean, if I live to be 54, I will be the one who is OLDER. So weird. So sad.
Yesterday was rough. Aaron left that morning. I stayed up for a grocery delivery but then slept for 4 hours. I have some health stuff that is really not fun, which I’m not up to sharing at the moment. This place is really therapeutic for me but there’s a level of mistrust for those who might be reading it which I’m not sure how to get over. My original website had a comment section, and tons of ways to contact me, but I was far more naive then and I dread such contact now, even as I display so much of myself here. I know from statistics that a lot more people come here than I ever expected, but I don’t know who they are or what their interest is. Perhaps I should try to change that? But for now, there’s so much work to do that it’s not a priority.
I woke up in a haze, and I had messages from my cousin Joy and my friend Isaiah. I took the time to respond and showered and shaved. I was feeling down about several things and when I got out of the shower I could hear my downstairs neighbors shouting about a leak in their apartment. The super has seen this leak which he equated to a tiny little drop of water, but I’m not sure why this leak wouldn’t happen every time we shower if that was the cause – or why the leak stopped for years and has returned. There’s a lot of questions. But maybe this will lead us to some kind of answer. The super didn’t seem worried about it too much – and he was also clearly upset at being dragged into this on a Saturday, when he’d been taking a nap.
I walked to Starbucks for some tea, but really just to get outside and walk off some of what I was feeling. I also took a Xanax. I don’t take it often, but when I need it I’m glad that I have it. I spoke to Aaron & Bernard about what happened while I walked. That helped. When I got home I had a relatively long chat with Paul Dunn, an old acquaintance of mine, who hooked up with me around January 2001. The conversation was welcomed, friendly and illuminating. But I wanted to try to sleep, so I said goodnight. I chopped up some zucchini to freeze for my smoothies, using the last of the already prepared vegetable to make a cherry zucchini smoothie. I usually have coffee in my smoothies but I skipped it to help with the sleep. I had hoped to get some cleaning done, but yesterday wasn’t the day for it and if I started then I’m sure I’d have been up all night. I also wanted to work on several viewing guides.
I haven’t watched any television the last week. I have quite a lot to watch, or that I want to watch, and I might try to get to those this week as well.
I went to bed that night with some Nyquil, due to some throat irritation from my gastroparesis. I didn’t expect to sleep more than a few hours. I mean, I’ve been on sleeping medication for months and I’ve struggled sleep 6 hours, but I slept 12 hours without trying – getting up 3 or 4 times to pee, thanks to the diuretics I’m also taking (for kidney stones).
I had a morning phone call with Aaron and Bernard who were on their way from Virginia to Florida. I let Aaron know that I’d just read that tickets for Avengers: Endgame Encore are rumored to go on sale tomorrow. Then I had a smoothie and decided to work on a guide to Anne Rice’s Immortal Universe, which went well. I worked on it for hours, which was lovely.
When I took a break, a package meant for Florida arrived here and I called Aaron to let him know and to check in. I realized I was hungry and decided it was time to eat, but first I weighed myself. 186.4 pounds. Wow. That’s the least I’ve weighed in years. And I’m much closer to my goal of 170 pounds than I thought I would be at this point, so that’s great news. In 5 months I’ve lost 24.6 pounds. No diet pills. No starving myself. Just eating smarter and being a little more active. That amazes me. Which is probably obvious since I talk about it all the time now. lol
I think I’m going to have the last of those broccoli cheese tots. I really liked them.
Oh! And a big Happy Birthday to my sister Janice Jeffrey and our father David Wright! <3 I should be seeing them in a little over a week. But these pictures are from a few months ago, when I saw them in June.
Today’s journal title song quote is from “Underneath” by openly gay American singer Adam Lambert, from his second studio album, “Trespassing”, which was released on May 15, 2012. The album debuted at number one on the Billboard 200, selling 77,000 copies in its first week, making Lambert the first openly gay artist to do so in history.
I didn’t go to the party Saturday evening. I tried to get ready for it and so much was going wrong that I was quite stressed, but once I decided not to go (and had a rare Xanax) I calmed down considerably. I walked Aaron to the lot where our car was parked and then continued walking for a bit, first to Bennett Park and then heading back home. Oh, and I did text Ilyssa and Christopher. 🙂
The Marvel Comic Con news was slightly disappointing – but it was what I was actually expecting. Before it started I remembered that D23 is happening next month and how they have separated film and series news between the two presentations, so I figured we wouldn’t be getting the news I most wanted, which was for VisionQuest – which I do expect we’ll learn about at D23. They did make a few big announcements, including that Ryan Gosling will star in a Ghost Rider movie in 2028 & that Black Panther III will be out in December of 2028, with David Jonsson playing an adult version of T’Challa’s son from “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever”; how the character is aged up is rumored to be explained in next year’s “Avengers: Secret Wars”. Letitia Wright and Winston Duke are also confirmed to be returning in that movie (as Black Panther / Shuri & M’Baku), while Denzel Washington was revealed to have a role in the movie a long while ago. Ryan Coogler will also return to direct. I don’t really care about Ghost Rider. I’ve never been a big fan, though I did enjoy the version on Season 4 of “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”, played by Gabriel Luna. But I’m hyped about the Black Panther trilogy being completed 10 years (and 8 years and 10 months after the first film). That’s cool
There was also an “Avengers: Doomsday” panel, with another trailer, which hasn’t been officially released publicly. I’ve not watched the bootlegs because I’d rather wait to see it in high quality. But reports suggest the new trailer is even better than the first, with more context for who Doom is and what the film might entail. And though I was already aware the character would be returning, Hayley Atwell was on-hand to confirm that Peggy Carter will be in the film. Ryan Reynolds also made an appearance, which implies the the character MIGHT be in the movie. I’ve heard rumors that he is, but I try to avoid spoilers so I don’t actually know if he is or not, and I’d rather not know unless they officially announce it. Though, I suspect there are more than a few characters returning in either “Doomsday” or “Secret Wars” that we don’t know about, or at least I don’t, which is fine with me. Oh. And sadly, the Latverian Witch display did not feature a Scarlet Witch reference on the final day, and while many people are buzzing about her possibly returning, if it’s in “Doomsday”, we just don’t know yet. I’ve heard from a reputable source, that even if she’s not in the movie, she will be back soon. I just hope it’s true. I very much want Wanda, Vision, Billy & Tommy (and Agatha) to be reunited.
They did not announce the new “X-Men” film, despite it being in development and likely coming out in 2028. It’s rumored that they didn’t talk about it so as not to spoil anything from “Spider-Man: Brand New Day”, which opens on Thursday – and if so, there’s a very good chance that they’ll announce that at D23. And I’m looking forward to that for sure.
Sunday. I ate well, healthy. I went for a walk around the neighborhood, twice. Really it was one walk but I stopped by the apartment to drop off some groceries (pita bread and grape fruit yogurt), then headed out again. I’m sure I walked at least a mile, probably more. I was really pushing it.
I didn’t spend much time with Aaron on Sunday. When I was home he was really into watching Marvel. He told me that he wanted to watch Star Trek with me, but when he’s really into something, I have a difficult time interrupting him, even when I know he wants me to. It’s weird. It’s been a problem over the years. I was also just very tired after my walk. I didn’t sleep, but I was physically tired.
This morning (well, it was around noon) I weighed 190.4 lbs. I’ve lost over 30 lbs since 2024, 21 of them since March. It’s exciting to see results from what I’m doing, but it’s weird too. I’m really into it, but I’m trying constantly to let myself relax and not worry about it. I mean, despite being 20lbs overweight now, I’ve vastly improve since my last doctor’s appointment, well, the one where I got really horrible feedback and weird test results that were totally invalidated by their methods. But I’m excited to return and prove them wrong. A pound or two off is easy to ignore because people gain and lose a few pounds pretty regularly, but this can’t be ignored. All of my health scores have improved. All of them. Some of them still rank as higher than what they should be, but the improvement is impressive. And that makes me happy. that’s all. And I’m happy with what I’m eating. Today I’ve had a smoothie (Boost, protein powder, fiber, coffee, blueberries, almond milk, zucchini), several bottles of water with fiber, 2 pita breads with lettuce, hummus & Italian dressing, a piece of toast (high fiber bread) with chia seeds, a kiwi, and a mix of olives, almonds, pistachios, peanuts, sunflower seeds and pecans. That’s so different from when I was eating ice cream and potato chips every day.
I stumbled on this pendant, the central one with greyish stone, which my cousin Starr had given to me years before. She was wearing it and I told her I liked it and she immediately took it off and gave it to me. She was like that. That was also the last time I ever saw her alive. She died on January 31 of 2001. I thought about her while I got ready to go out. It was really just a series of moments, but she was very special and I can still remember how she looked and what her voice sounded like. She was one the relatives I came out to when I was finally telling more people and she was really lovely.
Also on my way out I traded calls and message with Mark Adams. He and his daughter Raven are watching most of the mainline Marvel Multiverse entries, in release order, as that’s how Raven wants to do it. I gave them a list and they’ve been following it. He said that they’ve finished “Thor: Love & Thunder” and will begin “She-Hulk: Attorney at Law” soon. They had been watching “Moon Knight” the last time I saw them, which means they’ve also seen “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” and “Ms. Marvel” since then, which I hadn’t thought of, so I didn’t ask what they thought of them. I’ll have to remember to talk about that next time.
I went for another walk today. It was overcast, very warm and extremely humid but I enjoyed the exercise. I had to stop at the pharmacy on the way home to fill a prescription that I’ll be out of before we return from FL. It was so HOT in that store. I was sweating a lot. When I got home my shirt was soaked through and I showered for the second time – I usually shower and shave before I leave as well, like I did today.
And then I sat down to write this while I ate. I really shouldn’t eat at my computer but I keep doing it just the same.
Today’s journal title song quote is from “The Only Living Boy in New York” by Simon & Garfunkel, which is the eighth track from the duo’s fifth and final studio album, “Bridge over Troubled Water”. The song was also issued as the B-side of the duo’s “Cecilia” single. I’d heard a lot of their music growing up, “The Sound of Silence” being one my mother’s favorite songs, but somehow I’d never heard this one (or I at least I didn’t remember it) until it was used in the final scene of the HBO film version of Larry Kramer’s “The Normal Heart” (2014), which I didn’t see until September 19, 2016 – and it was fucking incredible. I’ve since seen it at least twice more, and I’ll likely always associate the song with that movie.
I just took a Xanax. There was awhile, years ago, when I would take them quite often. But just like with other methods that worked for me but were perhaps not the healthiest choice, I’ve severely limited my intake of this drug. For awhile it was a crutch, but now it is a tool that I can allow myself to use when I need it, and tonight I needed it.
I’m stressed. And I’m panicky beyond my circumstances. Aaron’s life is going through some major changes so I’m afraid that I seem selfish to be feeling like this, but that’s one of the contributing factors. His personal stress and his challenges affect my own. I like being stronger for him, but this week there are more issues than I usually have to deal with, and it’s the same for him, though he’s dealing with far more than me and much more gracefully.
Others issues include our upcoming travel. Sometimes I get so nervous before hand and it’s generally worse when I’ve not travelled in a few months. Before I moved to New York I had flown a few times. A trip to Florida. A trip to Las Vegas. A trip to San Francisco. But now we’ve flown so many times that I feel foolish for being nervous at all, but I am. We’ve probably flown to Michigan more than 30 times at this point. We’ve flown to Florida at least 6 or 7. We’ve flown to San Francisco, and London, and Rome, Barcelona and Texas. And thinking about it that way I probably don’t have anything to worry about, and yet I do.
I also feel a bit odd that I didn’t really get out today. Sure, I walked to the front of our building and stood outside a moment, but it’s not the same as walking a mile or two. And I only went out because I wanted to confirm that I could go out and that my desire to stay in wasn’t based in my weird fear of going outside. So that’s what I did. I got outside, I ate, I showered in the cold water. That’s another thing. Something wrong with our water pressure and we don’t have hot water. I’m trying to be an adult about this. So many people don’t even have water and I’m upset that the water isn’t warm enough? I noted earlier that it does keep me from lingering there. I wash and I get out. But I love taking my time in a hot shower. It’s where I do some of my best thinking.
My aide, Celine, who is a saint, is also not here this week. One of her cousins was murdered. It was so horrible! And they’ve had to wait a crazy amount of time for the funeral due to the investigation. And so I hope her travel goes smoothly and that she and her family can find some amount of healing from being together. When she’s not here it becomes even clearer how much she does for me. I’m aware otherwise and very grateful and I always, always thank her and speak well of her to her employers but it’s one other thing that this week is throwing at me.
I’m a whiner. I’m a glass half-empty kind of guy. But I’m trying not to be. Writing this is helping. I try to change the way I think. I try to reshape my thoughts and feelings, without denying them. I feel good that I let myself take the Xanax and that I don’t abuse it. I don’t think I’ve taken any in months, and I certainly haven’t taken a whole pill. But I’ve gotten better at recognizing when I need it and giving myself permission to take it. When I first started treatment with it, nearly 2 decades ago, in Michigan, I would let things get so bad before I took it, that the anxiety would get out of control. I would be shaking and on the verge of collapse. But I don’t let that happen anymore. It helps knowing what the drug can and cannot do for me. There are limits. The drug has limits. I have limits.
Another issue. I’m heading to doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I’ve gotten pretty good at getting to this building in the past, via 2 different trains. I mean, I usually take 2 trains to get there, not that I choose one or the other. But the stop that is near this building is closed. So the second train is pretty pointless. And I’ll need to walk pretty far to get there. There are buses that I could take but I’ve never trusted the bus system here. I find it very difficult to decipher the signage for busses here – but I’ve recently learned that others I trust have the same troubles. And so I will walk. It should take about 30 minutes on the train and then about 20 – 30 minutes of walking to get to the office. And then I get to come back the way that I came. And that will likely be all the walking I do tomorrow. I worry that I’ll get that leg pain again though.
I did get a lot done on my website. It took me hours and I’m convinced this will just make me seem that much more insane: I uploaded 36 more collages of ME. I compulsively make collages of all sorts of things but for my photos section I’ve put over a hundred collages of my face and other bits. It’s excessive. And yet I know that I have thousands more photos. But at least for now I think I’ll take a break from all that. It will give me time to get new pictures. lol Not something I need really, but I do like contrasting new and old photos. I tried to include pictures from the last 6 years in with the rest. We’ll see how that all shakes out. Perhaps I’ll cut way back on the number of collages here and just alternate them every now and again to keep it fresh? I don’t have a lot of feedback to go on, by design. People are such assholes online and I don’t want to have to deal with them, but that means I can’t accept any of the compliments either. Oh well.
I need to pack my backpack up now and get ready for bed. I need to get up by 9 and leave by 10. I’ll probably have a smoothie before I go.
Tonight lyric quote is from “Broken Head” by Catherine Wheel, from their essential 1993 album “Chrome”.
I’d share a link to the song here but Spotify is being shitty again. Which is why I’ve started including these photos and mentions of what the fuck I’m getting my title quotes from.
Edit: It’s Tuesday morning, May 19, 2026. I’ve had my smoothie. And Spotify is working so I’m adding the link to the song:
I’m wearing Sean’s Tori Amos shirt which he gave me 16 years ago… yet it always somehow remains his.
Maybe because he lost his mind again last year,
He tossed me to the proverbial curb as if I were the junkie that he confessed to be, though who the fuck really knows?
Not that it doesn’t make sense…
It actually explains a lot – actually connects many dots – solves so many mysteries when combined with our own histories only we’re all addicted to something, aren’t we?
Alcohol, as a drug, betrays you very quickly. Anne Rice said something to that effect once, which I’ve always remembered though I can’t find the exact quote.
I can’t tell if I’ve been addicted to food…but if I have, then it is a drug that has betrayed me all too quickly.
Perhaps this is why he shivers inside me; not “Long Gone Sean”, but that child version of Jason Wright who whispers always beneath my skin and behind my eyes.
I struggle to feed him but his pained and palsied nearly lifeless form rejects the medicine he both craves and abhors, never knowing which decisive reaction is truly best after our fucked up father ripped his world inside out…
Sean’s biological father (“Ted”) was rock solid awesome while his step-father was less so; addicted to pain pills, he gave me my first tab of Xanax after I fucked his son in Sean’s gay, white trash, St. Helen, Michigan bedroom.
I reached my hand up to cradle his head to prevent it’s rhythmic bruising crash against the wall and I felt his confusing reaction as it quivered down from his brain, down along his spine, back through his blissfully tight asshole around my hard and horny thrust.
Later he told me no one else he’d been with would ever consider such a kindness… his stories were always so wondrously sad.
That 2008 reunion was nearly 10 years ago and apparently wouldn’t last the decade to come.
I wonder where he’d be today when this shade of Jason will struggle to jam a needle in his arm and feed our craving without judgment or rejection.
“We all have our junk and my junk is you.”
Junk: What William S. Burroughs was high on until he woke from “The Sickness”, when secretive Not-Dr.-Seward was cavorting with his Mugwumps.
Junk: The so-called yards where I played to escape the insanity of my own brutal “Protoplasm Daddy” complex.
Junk: The word is now forever associated with the 16yo boy at safe sex instructional who was the first I’d ever heard equate cocks, dicks & pricks with an addictive substance.
My so-called junk relieved Sean of his unwanted virginity, while his Naked Lunch variety relieved us of our treasured friendship, filled his veins with human immunodeficiency virus and bubbled out of him in a hateful madness which I will never allow to murder my love for him.
