I did not go to bed after the last entry. As I walked to the room to cuddle with Aaron, he got up, so I stayed up too. I spent much of the day in a haze. I did try to sleep; I just wasn’t successful. I wondered if I should go for a walk? I worried that the lack of sleep might be harder to recover from and that it might be better to stay in, but due to the fact that it was Brian’s birthday, and the feelings I had about it being the first one since he died, I decided I needed to walk, to help work off the excess emotions.
I got dressed quickly. I tried not worry about what I was wearing too much, which is becoming increasingly difficult. I decided to wear pants, despite the heat, as the black item I chose had multiple holes in it and was also really light. I was shocked when I put them on though, because they have an elastic waist and I’ve never needed a belt with them before, but yesterday I did. I guess that’s what happens when you lose nearly 30 lbs; 18.8 in the last 4 months. Okay.
I walked sort of aimlessly, not really feeling like going to the park. I briefly considered walking as far as I could south, knowing I could catch a train home. I may still do that at some point, but it wasn’t the time. I knew I’d had very little sleep and I figured I shouldn’t push things too far. It was enough that I was up and outside. I walked at least a mile. I traded texts with my friend Christopher. I stopped into Starbucks and got a chocolate chip cookie that I’d been craving for over a week but skipped the tea this time as I had a water with me. On my way home I ran into my old Starbucks customer and now friend, Gemma, who gave me another name the last time I saw her, and I can’t remember what it was. Damn it. She was highly complimentary of my appearance, which was appreciated.
When I got home I showered. Then had a smoothie. I tried to stay up but started getting ready for bed around 9pm. I know I passed out because when I woke up my phone was next to me on the bed, not charging. I got up around 3 or 4? I can’t remember. I had something to drink and a piece of toast. I worked on my Marvel chronology for a couple of hours. Then I went back to bed to cuddle with Aaron. We cuddled for an hour before he got up, then I fell back asleep for a couple of hours.
I woke up ravenous. I had another smoothie, which was delicious. I weighed myself. I’m enjoying the process of paying attention to my health and trying to meet goals, but my PTSD is so closely tied to food, and often presents itself as an eating disorder, that I’ve avoided this kind of information in the past, and I’m cognizant of the circumstances, and I don’t believe this is negative at all. But I’m trying to take stock of my emotions and my reactions and how I’m dealing with all of this so that it can be positive and not detrimental – and I don’t think it is – but I worry if I just sort of went into this without that level of introspection, that it could slip into something unhealthy. As it stands, I’m eating better, healthier and I’m more active. I’m not starving. I’m not exercising to excise. So I think I’m fine. I currently weigh 192.2 lbs, which was before I ate. So it’s probably gone up a reasonable amount since then. I should be at least 20 lbs less to be in the ballpark of my ideal healthy weight, but I’m improving in various ways, with better results that I’d ever have expected. And again, I’ve lost about 30lbs from when I was eating nothing but crap and was highly sedentary – like, I would barely move for days at a time, except to eat or take a bathroom break. So, also again, I’m definitely doing better, so it’s hard to criticize any of my new habits, which is helpful, because it means I’m probably on the right track.
We’re going to a party this evening, or that’s the plan. The Marvel Hall H Panel at San Diego Comic Con will be during the party, so I’m hoping to come home with lots of Marvel news. There have been teases that MIGHT mean that Wanda could return in Avengers: Doomsday, ala her comic storyline from The Children’s Crusade, which I’d secretly hoped already, and so I’m very hyped to (PLEASE) have that confirmed. I need Wanda back. I actually need Wanda and Vision and Wiccan & Speed to be united and then they can go live happily ever after. That’s what I want. I actually would have preferred to stay home and read the news as it pours in, but getting out is healthier. Spending time out with Aaron is beneficial for us both, and I genuinely like the person who is having this housewarming party. And there may be others that I know there. It’s all good. I feel much better today than I did yesterday, and that’s always good.
Oh. Our downstairs neighbors have a leak in their ceiling. This is horrible for them, and obnoxious for us. They’ve had a leak on and off for 10 years? We’ve let plumbers and professionals come into our apartment at all hours of the day and night (often with no heads up) to work with them to find something. They’ve run the water from all the sinks, the shower, the appliances – everything – many times. They’ve ripped open their ceiling and tested everything again, but found nothing. Privately, the professionals have said that the neighbors are crazy – but I don’t think they are! They have a legitimate problem, and I want to help them, but nobody can find the source of the problem and the problem isn’t happening when we use water, and it’s also not happening in a way that anyone can predict, so getting people in when the trouble is actually happening, has been a challenge. And the people that run the building have to send their people to figure it out. We’ve also had every pipe and every water system (and nearly all of our floors + all of the bathroom) replaced and the problem is still there. They used to be very confrontational with us, these neighbors, back before a lot of the changes, and they insisted that we were causing their problems, only the weekend in which they were having the major issues, we weren’t home. So no water was running. It’s a mystery.
And that’s all for now.
Oh. Again! I need to respond to my friend Ilyssa. I’m so all over the place!!! lol I messaged her out of the blue the other day and she kind messaged back – but I was in bed when I got the response and I went right to sleep! Damn. Okay. I’ll reach out to her. And I need to ask Christopher what play he saw yesterday and if it was any good. And get ready for the party. I got this.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “This Woman’s Work” written and performed by English singer-songwriter Kate Bush. It was initially featured on the soundtrack of the American film “She’s Having a Baby” (1988). The song was released in November 1989, by EMI Records, as the second single from her sixth album, “The Sensual World” (1989), and peaked at No. 25 on the UK Singles Chart. The first time I remember hearing the song was in the second episode of “ALIAS” (S01E02 “And So It Begins”), which aired October 7, 2001. I was aware of Kate Bush as an ex-bf of mine (Gene Warrick) had played “Running Up That Hill” for me in 1994, from her 1985 album “Hounds of Love”. I liked the song so much that I recorded it to a cassette tape form his vinyl copy. Oh the things we did for music back then! lol Really there are only 3 songs by Kate Bush that I actually know, which are these 2 plus “Lyra”, her song from “The Golden Compass” (2007) film.
