“Here I Am”

I didn’t go to the party Saturday evening. I tried to get ready for it and so much was going wrong that I was quite stressed, but once I decided not to go (and had a rare Xanax) I calmed down considerably. I walked Aaron to the lot where our car was parked and then continued walking for a bit, first to Bennett Park and then heading back home. Oh, and I did text Ilyssa and Christopher. 🙂

The Marvel Comic Con news was slightly disappointing – but it was what I was actually expecting. Before it started I remembered that D23 is happening next month and how they have separated film and series news between the two presentations, so I figured we wouldn’t be getting the news I most wanted, which was for VisionQuest – which I do expect we’ll learn about at D23. They did make a few big announcements, including that Ryan Gosling will star in a Ghost Rider movie in 2028 & that Black Panther III will be out in December of 2028, with David Jonsson playing an adult version of T’Challa’s son from “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever”; how the character is aged up is rumored to be explained in next year’s “Avengers: Secret Wars”. Letitia Wright and Winston Duke are also confirmed to be returning in that movie (as Black Panther / Shuri & M’Baku), while Denzel Washington was revealed to have a role in the movie a long while ago. Ryan Coogler will also return to direct. I don’t really care about Ghost Rider. I’ve never been a big fan, though I did enjoy the version on Season 4 of “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”, played by Gabriel Luna. But I’m hyped about the Black Panther trilogy being completed 10 years (and 8 years and 10 months after the first film). That’s cool

There was also an “Avengers: Doomsday” panel, with another trailer, which hasn’t been officially released publicly. I’ve not watched the bootlegs because I’d rather wait to see it in high quality. But reports suggest the new trailer is even better than the first, with more context for who Doom is and what the film might entail. And though I was already aware the character would be returning, Hayley Atwell was on-hand to confirm that Peggy Carter will be in the film. Ryan Reynolds also made an appearance, which implies the the character MIGHT be in the movie. I’ve heard rumors that he is, but I try to avoid spoilers so I don’t actually know if he is or not, and I’d rather not know unless they officially announce it. Though, I suspect there are more than a few characters returning in either “Doomsday” or “Secret Wars” that we don’t know about, or at least I don’t, which is fine with me. Oh. And sadly, the Latverian Witch display did not feature a Scarlet Witch reference on the final day, and while many people are buzzing about her possibly returning, if it’s in “Doomsday”, we just don’t know yet. I’ve heard from a reputable source, that even if she’s not in the movie, she will be back soon. I just hope it’s true. I very much want Wanda, Vision, Billy & Tommy (and Agatha) to be reunited.

They did not announce the new “X-Men” film, despite it being in development and likely coming out in 2028. It’s rumored that they didn’t talk about it so as not to spoil anything from “Spider-Man: Brand New Day”, which opens on Thursday – and if so, there’s a very good chance that they’ll announce that at D23. And I’m looking forward to that for sure.

Sunday. I ate well, healthy. I went for a walk around the neighborhood, twice. Really it was one walk but I stopped by the apartment to drop off some groceries (pita bread and grape fruit yogurt), then headed out again. I’m sure I walked at least a mile, probably more. I was really pushing it.

I didn’t spend much time with Aaron on Sunday. When I was home he was really into watching Marvel. He told me that he wanted to watch Star Trek with me, but when he’s really into something, I have a difficult time interrupting him, even when I know he wants me to. It’s weird. It’s been a problem over the years. I was also just very tired after my walk. I didn’t sleep, but I was physically tired.

This morning (well, it was around noon) I weighed 190.4 lbs. I’ve lost over 30 lbs since 2024, 21 of them since March. It’s exciting to see results from what I’m doing, but it’s weird too. I’m really into it, but I’m trying constantly to let myself relax and not worry about it. I mean, despite being 20lbs overweight now, I’ve vastly improve since my last doctor’s appointment, well, the one where I got really horrible feedback and weird test results that were totally invalidated by their methods. But I’m excited to return and prove them wrong. A pound or two off is easy to ignore because people gain and lose a few pounds pretty regularly, but this can’t be ignored. All of my health scores have improved. All of them. Some of them still rank as higher than what they should be, but the improvement is impressive. And that makes me happy. that’s all. And I’m happy with what I’m eating. Today I’ve had a smoothie (Boost, protein powder, fiber, coffee, blueberries, almond milk, zucchini), several bottles of water with fiber, 2 pita breads with lettuce, hummus & Italian dressing, a piece of toast (high fiber bread) with chia seeds, a kiwi, and a mix of olives, almonds, pistachios, peanuts, sunflower seeds and pecans. That’s so different from when I was eating ice cream and potato chips every day.

I stumbled on this pendant, the central one with greyish stone, which my cousin Starr had given to me years before. She was wearing it and I told her I liked it and she immediately took it off and gave it to me. She was like that. That was also the last time I ever saw her alive. She died on January 31 of 2001. I thought about her while I got ready to go out. It was really just a series of moments, but she was very special and I can still remember how she looked and what her voice sounded like. She was one the relatives I came out to when I was finally telling more people and she was really lovely.

Also on my way out I traded calls and message with Mark Adams. He and his daughter Raven are watching most of the mainline Marvel Multiverse entries, in release order, as that’s how Raven wants to do it. I gave them a list and they’ve been following it. He said that they’ve finished “Thor: Love & Thunder” and will begin “She-Hulk: Attorney at Law” soon. They had been watching “Moon Knight” the last time I saw them, which means they’ve also seen “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” and “Ms. Marvel” since then, which I hadn’t thought of, so I didn’t ask what they thought of them. I’ll have to remember to talk about that next time.

I went for another walk today. It was overcast, very warm and extremely humid but I enjoyed the exercise. I had to stop at the pharmacy on the way home to fill a prescription that I’ll be out of before we return from FL. It was so HOT in that store. I was sweating a lot. When I got home my shirt was soaked through and I showered for the second time – I usually shower and shave before I leave as well, like I did today.

And then I sat down to write this while I ate. I really shouldn’t eat at my computer but I keep doing it just the same.

Today’s journal title song quote is from “The Only Living Boy in New York” by Simon & Garfunkel, which is the eighth track from the duo’s fifth and final studio album, “Bridge over Troubled Water”. The song was also issued as the B-side of the duo’s “Cecilia” single. I’d heard a lot of their music growing up, “The Sound of Silence” being one my mother’s favorite songs, but somehow I’d never heard this one (or I at least I didn’t remember it) until it was used in the final scene of the HBO film version of Larry Kramer’s “The Normal Heart” (2014), which I didn’t see until September 19, 2016 – and it was fucking incredible. I’ve since seen it at least twice more, and I’ll likely always associate the song with that movie.

“I Don’t Know If the Dead Can Talk to Anyone”

A couple of nights ago, I woke up very early and I decided I needed to rewatch the mainline Marvel multiverse films which I’ve only seen once, which are all likely to be important come December when “Avengers: Doomsday” is released. So I watched “Thor: Love & Thunder”, the 4th Thor film, which I’d seen once, in the theater, but never saw again. I very nearly hated it in the theater and it’s easy to see why, as it adapts 2 popular comic stories that have very little to do with one another (which seldom goes well) while failing them both IMO. I loved Jane Foster’s Mighty Thor storyline in the books, but since it’s jammed together with the Gorr the God Butcher story, is left feeling like the better b-plot in a movie about something far less compelling. I didn’t like the God Butcher story in the comics but the film version is worse because it doesn’t actually take any risks. Gorr kills many Gods in the film, just NONE that we’ve actually met before, despite there being more than a handful of those over the years, so the stakes feel very low. All of that is still true on a second watch, but when you know that’s what you’re getting, it’s a lot less disappointing, and so I definitely enjoyed it more the second time around. It also helps that we know, or can intuit that we will soon have some consequences for this story rather than the somewhat standalone nature of the plot as is. We know because Thor’s new charge, the “Love” of the title, will be returning in the next Avengers film and the character will seemingly be a big part of what Thor is returning for, as revealed in a teaser trailer that isn’t (according to the directors) actually footage from the film? I don’t really understand it. But we’re still about 6 months away from that movie + we have 1 other movie before it (“Spider-Man: Brand New Day”) + several other Marvel projects with “X-Men ’97” Season 2, “VisionQuest” & “Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man” Season 2. Other Marvel Multiverse films I’ve only seen once include “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3”, “Ant-Man & the Wasp: Quantumania”, “The Marvels”, “Captain America: Brave New World”, “The Fantastic Four: First Steps” & “Thunderbolts*”. I should also revisit “Venom: Let There Be Carnage” and I’ve never seen “Venom: The Last Dance” or “Kraven the Hunter” – but I doubt any of those Sony spin-offs will come into play in the next 2 Avengers films or even “Spider-Man: Beyond the Spider-Verse”.

Thursday was meant to be all about taking photos. And it was. And I had fun. But it was a lot, having taken over 300 photos and then taking the time to delete more than 100 of them and polishing the rest, even a little took hours, and is always my least favorite part of such projects. So I got a lot done and I had a good day, but it left me feeling empty and exhausted – partly because I also started struggling into my new diet. I have often made healthy changes to my diet but the ones that are being made now are far more extreme and involve me denying myself many of my staple foods, which Aaron assures me is normal, and I don’t doubt him, but it feels horrible. And anytime I’m dealing with food, I have to be cognizant of my fucked up psyche which tries to use food as example of something it can’t possibly be responsible for, and honestly, while I seem to be arguing that point really well, I’m not sure I’m convinced or that this might not explode in a few days or even less.

He should be dead or I should be him – the nature of PTSD. But he’s in here whispering his “truth” which stems from an uneducated mind and the horrors he was subjected to.

I got outside Thursday and Friday but both trips were to keep me going outside every day and not the fulfilling walks I’d been going down recently. I just got too busy on Thursday and then Friday when I went out it was crazy hot, and clearly about to rain – and on top of all that, the elevator in our building was stuck on the 5th floor, which meant taking the stairs down and then back up again. I did walk around the block, but the odd feeling of the storm coming in left everything looking strange and nothing feeling all that comforting.

I went to bed early. Around 9pm I think. But I woke up at 1:25am, unable to get back to sleep. I knew I needed to write something up so that’s what I’m doing. I may have a smoothie to help me cool down, as it’s HOT in the apartment. For power grid and money issues we don’t use the AC in rooms we are mostly not in at night (while the bedroom is chilled at the moment, I worry that being in there might rouse Aaron and he has an even he needs to be at this morning).

So what now? I don’t even feel like sharing the pictures that I took the other day. Some of them are quite nice and if I ever update the collages in the photos section, they’ll be very useful, but I’m sick of seeing my face, no matter how healing it can be for me to see how it changes or what I look like vs. how I see myself.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “The High Road” by Broken Bells, from their eponymous 2010 debut studio album.

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