Tuesday, August 25, 2026. I ate. I had a bit of a headache. I ran some errands for Aaron, returning some items he’d accidentally shipped to our apartment. I piled them in a cart we keep and wheeled them over to Staples. The cart is just short enough that I have to bend a bit and it often hurts my back, but this trip wasn’t so bad. And I felt good to be helping Aaron as he’s pretty overwhelmed with all that he’s already doing. This week we’ve had several conversations and it’s been great to hear his voice and how much he misses me.
After returning home I was tempted to go back out and walk but I needed to eat, which meant I needed to sit down for a bit. The break became longer and longer as I was distracted by other projects, but in the evening I headed out for what was a 2.5 mile hike to the park and back. It was astonishing to see how much stronger I’ve become. My stamina has definitely increased. It was exercise, but essentially, all of it was pleasurable. No pains in my legs. No exhausted breathing. It’s only 2.5 miles. But a few months ago, that was enough to do me in. Again, I’ve never exercised in any concentrated sort of way and then seen demonstrable results, be it weight loss, strength or endurance levels increasing. So, this is like a fairytale I’ve read about before, now come to life. And the views from my favorite Manhattan park just increase that sense of living a real life fantasy adventure.
I slept well Tuesday night. Wednesday (08-26-26) I started the day as I’ve grown accustomed to. I had a blueberry zucchini coffee smoothie. I’ve been doing that every day lately and in the evening I have a cherry zucchini chocolate smoothie. They’re packed with healthy ingredients but they feel like treats. Otherwise, I mostly drink water and eat healthy snacks and meals – or as healthy as I can make them. That day was the last that I weighed myself but I was 185.4 lbs that day. I may have gained a little since then, as that’s normal, but that’s the lowest I’ve weighed in at least 6 years.
I got distracted by several projects I was working on for most of the day and was shocked when I realized I only had an hour to get ready and walk over to Zumba Class. Just as I was running across the apartment to get cleaned up, the downstairs neighbor stopped by to ask me if I was ready for the “traffic” that would be coming through our apartment the next day. I’d spoken to the Super myself and he’d said they would stop by around 2 but would be done by 3 (as I had a therapy appointment) and that it would be pretty low key. But my neighbor said he felt it would take a lot longer and he made me so angry and stressed. I told him that I didn’t want to be rude but I was running late, which was completely true, but even then the conversation went on longer than expected and everything he said was pissing me off. I just tried to calm down while I got ready as fast as I could, assuring myself that if I was a little late, I could just join in, just as Aaron and I had done on our first time in.
As I hustled over to Zumba, which is about 10 blocks from where we live, I got on the phone with Aaron, talking through everything, which helped. I arrived exactly on time. The class went really well. I made it through the entire session this week(!) and I even got a special shout out from the instructor when I visibly relaxed and just enjoyed the routine. I also got to speak a little bit with some of the other members who are starting to recognize me now – even if it was to tell everyone I won’t be back for 3 weeks. I like visiting family, and seeing new places, but it’s such a disruption of my life here that it always bothers me a bit – plus, this is so new that I don’t want to get out of the habit of going. It’s been such a nice surprise – a real gift to myself. I’m also a little worried that I might fall back into some bad habits in Michigan. If not by accident, then simply by having to settle for a less healthy option, in order to stay fed in an environment that has always been hard for me to eat in at all. Perhaps just being aware of that will make a difference? I sure hope so.
After class I headed over to the A train at 168th, taking it two stops north, to 181st so I could hustle to the grocery store for more Zucchini, Pita Bread & Hummus, then another stop at the Vitamin Shop to pick up an order of Protein Powder that had come in for Aaron and I. And as I walked home from working out in a gym class, from stopping at the grocery store for healthy food and a vitamin shop for healthy ingredients… How the fuck did I go from eating chips every day of my life and having ice cream on a daily basis for the last 18 years, to THIS!?! And that’s why I talk about it all the time. Because this is NOT normal behavior for me. And it’s all stuff that I’ve struggled with my whole life. Decades of fear and anguish, working through depression and anxiety, agoraphobia, etc., and now I’m out and about doing these things? It’s astounding.
On a side note, I have vitiligo, and there’s almost no pigment in my face, which I’ve known for decades at this point, but I seldom ever see it. But when I work out, a lot of blood rushes to my head – and then it is really clear. Because where there’s no pigment my skin is very red, like I have a really bad sunburn. It’s a little jarring to see. And a little scary for someone who avoids being in the sun without protection. But it’s also kind of funny.
I took another Xanax that night to calm down from the worry of the next day, and I slept for about 12 hours, which was clearly needed! On Thursday, August 27, 2026, I felt rested. I felt good. The Super and some other guys stopped by a bit after 2 and they made sure to be out by 3 for my therapy appointment. The tested the shower, doing various things. They did confirm a leak but they thought it was coming from a pipe in our wall. They wanted to come back to open the wall and said tomorrow (08-28) wouldn’t work, but when I explained that I’m flying to Michigan on Sunday and won’t be back until the 9th of September, they said they’d make it work and that they’d be back around 11am. No stress there at all. Therapy was a breeze, which isn’t to say that it wasn’t needed or wasn’t of value. It just means that the things I’ve been working on the last few years have been mostly successful, and I’m sure we’ll either find new challenges to face or possibly bring this segment of therapy to a close. That happens in therapy. You work with someone you feel good about for a certain amount of time and take in all that you can, but then you move on to other problems, and possibly other teachers. That’s been my experience at least.
I worked on my website all day, which was glorious. I feel bad that I didn’t get any exercise that day, but I think I also needed some time and the stumbling blocks that often keep me from working on this or that thing on this site, they just fell away and I was kicking ass the entire time. Most of the work was done on the Chronologies: Viewing / Reading Orders section. I felt like I could go for hours and hours more. In fact, I didn’t get to sleep until after midnight and would happily have stayed up longer, only I knew I had to be up and ready and fed before the crew got here this morning, as they were going to be working in both the bathroom and the kitchen.
Speaking of which, it is now Friday, August 28, 2026. They opened the wall. The pipes are dry. It all seems to be working fine in there. So now they think the leak is caused by a broken seal in the shower – only I’m not convinced that this makes any sense. The location of it means that it would be wet every time we shower, and they don’t have a leak every time we shower. Indeed, they’ve reported this leak when we’ve been in other countries. But the contractor says this is impossible and that they neighbors lie to get attention drawn to the problem they are actually having. That does seem likely to me, but they’ve confirmed there is a leak. And if they want to add a seal where they think there should be one, that doesn’t seem like a problem to me; in fact I welcome the added protection. But I’ll be surprised if this is the source of the problem. I guess we’ll find out when we get home in mid-September. They will keep their ceiling open that whole time, and when we get back, they’ll let us shower for two weeks to see if they still have a leak or not. If not, they close the ceiling and they paint our wall (which they are patching right now) and we’re all good. But if not, the search continues.
I need to not take a shower 24 hours after they put the seal on so I wish they would do it asap. I won’t feel like I need a shower until later, after I (hopefully) go for a walk, but I’ll just rinse in the sink and make the best of it until tomorrow. He said I could do it tomorrow morning, but it’s already almost 1pm. I’m really glad I took that late shower before bed last night! And I guess we’ll just see how the rest of the day goes.
Actually, I already wrote this, which took me a couple of hours. And I also uploaded 3 new NSFW Photo Collages. I’m getting hungry but the kitchen is still covered in plastic and I’m not sure when they will finish up. Maybe I’ll finally break down and get some pizza? I don’t think I’ve had any since we were in FL. I could also freeze the leftovers so I had food when we get back from our trip. There’s potential there, but I’m not married to the idea. We’ll see.
Today’s journal title song quote comes from “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out”, a song by the English rock band the Smiths, written by guitarist Johnny Marr and lead vocalist Morrissey. Featured on the band’s 1986 third studio album “The Queen Is Dead”, it was not released as a single in the United Kingdom until 1992, five years after their break-up, to promote the compilation album “…Best II”. It peaked at No. 25 on the UK Singles Chart and No. 22 on the Irish Singles Chart. The song has received considerable critical acclaim; in 2014, NME listed it as the 12th-greatest song of all time and in 2021, it was ranked at No. 226 on Rolling Stone’s list of the “500 Greatest Songs of All Time”.