I slept for about 6 hours, I think. I woke up uncomfortable. Pain in my head and congestion. I tried to follow yesterday’s pattern, eating healthy and working on my website, but I realized I needed to back a lot of stuff up if I was going to move forward, so I worked on that. After hours at my computer I decided I needed to shower, shave, dress and at least try to feel human, and also try to go outside. For years I sat in my apartment watching queer cinema, eating crap and worrying about venturing out. I don’t want to fall into those habits again. My walk was brief, but productive. I took some photos, picked up a spinach feta wrap from Starbs (adding another veggie to my day’s intake) and also grabbed a prescription from the pharmacy for Aaron. I didn’t go far, but I did walk more than I needed to and all of it felt good. I like the pictures too.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “First and Last and Always”, the title track to the debut studio album by English gothic rock band the Sisters of Mercy, first released on March 11, 1985 through the band’s Merciful Release label.
This week there was Marvel news and I’m sure there will be more tomorrow. This excites me. I’m a huge Marvel fan, so there’s that.
I got outside for several walks this week. I’ve lost weight. I was actually thinking that I weighed 207 pounds in March, but it turns out, I actually weighed 211 pounds then – and I now weigh under 194, so that’s a considerable amount of weight lost, and I’ve not been doing anything crazy. I’m just making healthier choices in my diet and getting a bit more exercise than I had been. So that’s pretty exciting, because since I’m enjoying this time, I feel like this might be something I can keep up with and not worry about it all coming back, as I’ve heard others talk about. I was originally aiming to get to 180lbs but my program says that my ideal weight 172lbs. It also told me recently that my “metabolic age” was 52, which I thought was fair since I’ll be 52 in just a few weeks, but now I’m down to age 51, so I’m assuming that’s a good thing? I’m so clueless about this stuff. But that’s just what I make sure to tell my doctors. Treat me like I don’t know anything, because if it relates to food or exercise, I probably don’t know much! lol But I’m doing great. And I think I’m finding a good balance between what I love, what I enjoy and what is good for me. It’s not about giving up everything, it’s about balancing it out with other options, which I also like. My snack plates lately are all fruits and seeds and things, but I legitimately didn’t notice or think about it until Aaron pointed it out to me. I just thought they were fun choices. lol Oh, and I’m cutting some sugar from my smoothies now; putting 3 quarters of a cup of fruit in (instead of a full cup) and then using a quarter cup of zucchini, which is great for you, apparently, but which I’d never had before. I can’t taste a difference, so that’s great.
I’m so fucking tired. I woke up at 2am when Aaron got up for something. And then I realized that today was Brian Lounsberry’s 50th birthday. Or it would have been. And then I knew I needed to write something and I got up. And I did write something. And also rewrote an older poem that I’ve often referred to, but have never been truly happy with. So that’s accomplished. I should probably be trying to write this in some semblance of order.
Monday we got the first “Avengers: Doomsday” trailer, which I posted. Excited for that. Tuesday we got the final “Spider-Man: Brand New Day” trailer and I’m excited for that. Later I took the train to the park and then walked home, which is about a mile.
July 21, 2026. Not bad for nearly 52 and having been 220 lbs in my recent past.
Tuesday (July 21) I had therapy that went well. I’m sure there was some kind of drama that day but I can’t remember what it was. Oh. And we watched another Star Trek: The Next Generation episode (S03E10 “The Defector”) – which we both enjoyed and had both forgotten most of. Indeed, I had mistaken the plot in my head for a completely different subplot from a different Trek episodes (S06E14 “Face of the Enemy”), which in my defense, also involves the Romulans and a defector, but in that case, it’s a human defector who joined the Romulans and returns to the Federation – I remember that actor and that story and assumed that this Season 3 Romulan episode about a defector was the same thing. But it wasn’t. lol So that was kind of funny.
Wednesday (July 22): Aaron went on a walk with me. We went to Starbucks on our way home and the barista complimented my “whole vibe”, which I’m not sure I thanked her for, which makes me feel like a jerk. Really, I’m just caught off guard when people compliment me.
Thursday (July 23): I went for a walk. There was plenty of drama though. We’re going to Florida next week, but it’s quite a lot of stress for me as I’d rather not travel and I wasn’t planning on going at all, but the trip got moved up and if I want to see Spider-Man with Aaron, which I do, I have to go. And there are issues with me going but we talked it out and we’re reducing the risk of all that as much as we can – and if it’s bad, I’ll either come home earlier, or go to a hotel or something.
Later I rewatched “Thunderbolts*” for the first time since seeing it in theaters. I think I enjoyed it about the same as the first time, but I forgot how much I cried during the second half, so I was bawling for awhile. lol Then right after that, Aaron and I watched the new Season 4 premiere of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (S04E01 “Valles Marineris”), which we both enjoyed, despite both of us being a bit distracted by other things.
Also, someone betrayed Aaron this week. I’m sure he had his reasons, but it was really horrible and I knew that Aaron was hurt but I didn’t think there was much that I could do. On top of that, it left him in a very precarious position as far as his company is concerned, but that was solved in a truly gracious manner that I will forever be grateful for.
I went to bed after Trek, going to bed around 9 and drifting off around 10. And then Aaron woke me up around 2 and now we’re up to date.
I’m going back to bed.
Today’s journal title song quote comes from “Song to the Siren” by various different bands that I enjoy, but the most popular seems to be This Mortal Coil; but it was written by by Tim Buckley and Larry Beckett and released by them in 1970. The version by This Mortal Coil was released as their first single in 1983 and then on their album “It’s End in Tears” in 1984.
When you walked in to Starbs with my man on your arm in your charmingly gay jeans, I smiled and I thought that this could be fun.
I ran into an old customer who told me about his son’s tumbling class as I watched you both ordering coffee, with an easy, relaxed manner, that spoke volumes of what was to come.
Your sing song ramblings were the essence of adorable and you seemed younger than your pictures, while also managing to look completely different from whatever angle I spied you from.
We agreed on Buffy’s Gift and disagreed on LGBT actors, though not in the typical, angry, grating way, which Aaron and I had just discussed in relation to a similar friend, who has already secretly been mentioned here.
We had matching board games which we managed to win before I took pain killer when I expected no more games to be played.
This, aside from the tongue fuck of a kiss which was seemingly dared and then shared without mercy.
Later, that other kiss on the kitchen counter, and you were the ghost of Sean Mobley, whispering across my skin before we all retired to the place I expected us not to go… which in all fairness, I had insisted on.
There were obstacles to overcome but in a relaxingly hazy, lustful way, or that’s how I experienced it at the time.
Your sexy ass, which I yearned to devour, was sadly out of service… and my painkiller infused erection was quickly down for the count, yet your beautifully thick dick and mouthwatering sack were open for business.
I did fucking love your sex drenched cock, stretching me open after riding your face like you were some kind of bucking bronco.
You were energetic, switching positions, still looking different from every angle, painfully / pleasurably thrusting deep inside me, filling the rubber with an impressive load of cum.
You left soon after, since you don’t like to cuddle, and the two of you needed to be up early the next morning.
You took Ian McKellen (as James Whale) with you and we traded messages on this or that service but I don’t hear your voice in those words.
In these random exchanges it’s hard to tell what is real; hard to tell if we’re going to see you again.
Perhaps you really were just a shadow of Sean, come to sing me carols and wake me with a kiss.
But I’d like to talk to you again: face to face.
It’s not all about your dick; it’s everything else too; all those angles are views I’d like to explore.
My sentences sent to convey this seem awkward and desperate, but that’s not how they’re meant.
Like I said, it’s hard to tell what is real in the light of day; hard to decipher if what we experienced was the beginning of friendship or merely the end of a short, yet satisfying game.
