That’s what the message said
and suddenly I remember what it was like
to really miss
playfully biting his lips
when we’d kiss:
a ghost
of a memory
of a forgotten desire.
I met him online in late 2007;
just a hookup that attempted to be more,
and failed
because of piss poor timing.
Like a perpetual tryst
with delusions of grandeur;
genuine emotion
without proper context
or common sense.
His lips, his smile, eyes, tears,
were all exquisite.
His meaty cock was thick
and heavy,
and always filled my unprotected insides
before shooting down my throat.
Invariably he would ride my tongue,
feeding my hungry need
while I nursed my own aching pleasure.
I was
for once,
blissfully uninterested in anything
more than friendship and kinky sex.
And while months of Doctor Who,
Meeting his mum at hospital,
his friends (some of whom were my friends),
and New Year’s Eve party where we met his future husband(!)
were all appreciated and are remembered fondly…
his confession of love ripped me in half
and tore us apart.
He fell,
was crushed,
and though I eventually followed,
it was too late to save either of us.
At the time,
I thought this a tragedy,
but in light of later revelations
it seems the better of several options,
despite the pain we caused one another
at the time.
In the end
I loved him and
he loved me…
But some affairs are just that…
Not to last or to be.
Back in the present
I’m in Hell’s Kitchen
and his plane is coming in for a landing in Newark.
C to Penn Station,
NJ Transit round trip tickets are $25.00
but waiting to board
the call comes:
an earlier flight than expected
and I’ll have just missed him again.
Refund lady is nice;
I transfer from C to A at 42nd
and this feels natural
and normal
and before I know it I’m back in The Heights.
On the train I listen to “Gods and Monsters” on repeat
and Lana Del Rey sings about lost innocence.
He thanks me when I get home; he says:
“It means a lot that you dropped everything to give it a shot.”
Only just like our relationship
we suffer from piss poor timing
and we keep just missing each other.
But you know what?
The attempt was fun,
and totally worth it.
Even though we failed.
Even though we never fit together in life
as well as we did in bed
or in friendship.
Even if in the grand scheme of things
we only managed to last
for a few precious hours.
Written by Jason Wright
June 17, 2015
For Michael
