He told me that I would be punished, and he was right.
I lived with the blood and the violence a secret.
I never broke the rule again.
I never sat at a table and ate with them again.
But that wasn’t enough. I fed him. And was punished again.
Every time I eat or even admit that I want to eat I am punished.
No one can convince me otherwise.
I can’t convince myself.
Today was the last straw.
I once joked about ending my life with a straw, but all those that would understand the joke are dead.
If I can be strong I can escape this cycle.
It’s as easy as self control. No razors.
No jumping off the fifth floor for the security cams to record.
Just a choice.
I will not be punished like this again.
You can not hurt me for something I didn’t do.
I’m not trapped.
I can do this.
Written by Jason Wright September 18, 2014
This is what a nervous breakdown looks like. I hit a wall. I stopped eating. I didn’t eat any solid food for more than 3 months. I stopped working. I went on short term disability and applied for long term disability, which I did get; it took about 3 years I think. But this is when the PTSD hit me and nearly broke me. Nobody could convince me to eat or that it was going to be okay. I’ve come so far since this day.
And I’m quite disconnected from my own broken circuit,
But then something sparks and I’m lost in reflection,
I’m drowning in sound and rapt by connection.
Those episodes scare me and I’ve sought to avoid them,
But running from strife has left my heart frozen,
And the path of my life is melting my fear…
Allowing his voice to be heard and quite clear.
He’s the part of me; wounded and starving and aching.
He’s the one we forgot when our hearts were done breaking.
He’s the one who kept screaming though no one was listening.
He’s the one shedding tears that on my face are glistening.
And I fight for him now as he’s fought for me.
I fight for his rights that we both may be free…
The battle is coming, has happened, occurred…
And he knows satisfaction because he is heard,
And we fight now together to achieve correlation,
That was taken when life divorced integration.
Written by Jason Wright June 19, 2014
For him and for me.
It’s a start. I think I make it sound a bit Disney when it’s really very dangerous. I’m always on the verge of something lately. Some of it is wonderful. Some of it is horrible. And all of it is necessary.
