“Heaven is a Curse Inside My Mind”

I tried to get back to sleep Sunday morning (10-25-26). We like it cool when we sleep but in winter it can get very cold in our bedroom so I use a few blankets, always using this one that my mother crocheted for me. My mother died a little over 5 years ago, so it means a lot to me.

I took Aaron to his treatment. I get bored waiting for hours, but I’ve been enjoying the drive home. Driving into the city this time was…an experience. New Yorkers have this thing where the lanes on the roads seem to be only suggestions. It’s a little stressful, but not as bad as I expected it to be. Aaron says I’m his hero for going to these appointments with him and giving him the rides home as these are not activities that are easy for me. It’s nice that recognizes and acknowledges this. I need some days where I don’t need to worry about anything like this, really consecutive days, because I have to go to bed very early to be up in the morning for these things and I’m wearing a bit thin on that front. I just need to find a balance. I only have so much energy in a single day due to my disability, and I had been doing really well with exercise and I need time and space for that which has been lagging of late. I’ll try to work that out with Aaron.

I was worn out from that little trip. Like I said, I only have so much energy to spend and these appointments involve driving for an hour, then me sitting in a waiting room for about 2.5 / 3 hours, and then me driving us home. It’s a lot, even though I’m not very active during these sessions, but that’s part of my frustration. I watched quite a bit of television. I watched more SVU, started re-watching AHS (with “Freak Show”, due my new viewing order – I watched the first 1.5 episodes), and I also watched another Avatar episode (S01E09 “The Waterbending Scroll”). I went to bed early again last night because I needed to be up early today for my own appointment.

This morning, Monday, October 26, I caught the A train at 181st and took it down to Penn Station (34th). Exiting the subway my immediate view was of the distant Empire State Building, then I walked by Madison Square Garden. This new appointment was in the same building as my anal pap, but this was a totally different doctor. Today I finally saw an endocrinologist. It only took 3 or 4 years. lol I did try to get in sooner, but there are a whole series of unforeseen hurdles and unexpected delays. My doctor was nice and informative and so now I have another member of my care team, which is extensive, for which I’m grateful.

When I got home, I ate. I had egg whites + a blueberry zucchini smoothie. I changed my clothes. I started a new poem when I was a the doctor’s office, which I finished. Then I went for a walk, stopping by to see Aaron visiting with his former coworker, said hi, then I was off to the park.

I showered when I got home. I had walked my usual 2 miles, plus today’s appointment, and I’d eaten well. I felt good. I relaxed with some Zelda (BOTW). Then decided I’d post this.

Oh! The nurse at the doctor’s office asked me if I was in the fashion industry, and when I went to the park, a woman stopped me to tell me how much she loved my pants. That was nice.

Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “lovely.” by queer synth pop artist and producer Gregory Dillon, from his 2020 EP “Sad Magic”. I’ve curated a large collection of LGBTQ+ inclusive / themed music and I stumbled on Dillon’s work a few years ago. I love this song.

“The Very End of Me”

I made it to my appointment with Dr. Pacifico on Wednesday. I’m on PrEP so I need my blood tested for HIV and other things. I tested negative and the metabolic panel showed that my glucose levels are normal. That’s a big deal, because while they were at the high end of normal, I’ve had higher than normal levels for at least since September of 2023! My efforts are paying off. I usually get results related to my triglycerides and cholesterol from these tests but I haven’t gotten those yet, but I suspect that given the changes to my diet and the amount of exercise I’m doing, that those scores should be drastically improved as well, so I’m anxious to see them.

I ate after my appointment, then headed home, but I still felt a bit wiped out. I still have some minor cold symptoms (which my doctor confirmed are mild as just mentioning it in passing, he insisted on checking stuff out), but they had drawn blood and I’d had to fast for 12 hours, so I stayed in. I didn’t feel much better on Thursday, September 17 and stayed in again, though I was busy working on my DC Animated Universe stuff (most of which isn’t on my website yet) and I also knew I’d be going out on Friday, so I didn’t worry about it.

Friday, September 18. I got up early. I had a smoothie and got ready to head to another doctor’s appointment, this time with a new doctor. I took the A train down to Penn Station, which for a lot of people is where people go to do some site seeing: Madison Square Garden, the Empire State Building & Penn Station. For me, it’s where I’m usually seeking medical treatment or advice. lol

So what did I have done? I had an anal pap smear performed today. My gay doctor (who is amazing) had requested I have one years ago, but at the time, we couldn’t find anyone that performed them on men anymore; he recently found this guy that does them. I was happy to have the test done. I’ve also had hemorrhoid flare-ups most of my life, since I was a child, and though I sought guidance from specialists, the few times I’d been seen, by the time I got in they would be healed, as the waiting process to get in was always so long. He checked me out, and found that there was something he could do a procedure on even though they weren’t flared as of now, which given my issues would likely help, so I agreed on the spot. It took 2 minutes. It hurt afterward. I knew it would be uncomfortable for about 2 weeks, so that wasn’t a surprise, but it was so sudden that I was a bit shocked. In the long run it will likely be worth this relatively minor discomfort, but it’s constant and I didn’t expect it to be so obnoxious. Oh well. My doctor was HOT, funny and charming. And probably gay. I got him to laugh, which is always a good sign IMO.

I made my way home as quick as could be. Pain rolling over me in waves, though by the time I was walking from the train I felt much better. I stopped at this little bodega I like and bought some lettuce, whole grain pita bread and a kiwi. When I got home I had some of that pita bread & lettuce with hummus and Italian salad dressing. I later had another smoothie and tried to relax. I had a conversation with my dear friend Mark Adams. And then I wrote this.

Today’s journal entry title song quote (which was meant to be tongue-in-cheek…or tongue-in-cheeks?) is from “We’re In This Together” by industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails, from their 1999 third studio album “The Fragile”. It has been theorized by some that the track’s lyrics (“You’re the queen and I’m the king” & describing two people trying to fight against an ominous and seemingly unstoppable force) are inspired by David Bowie’s “Heroes”, as Bowie has been recognized as one of Reznor’s great influences – the two later collaborating; Bowie is given a special thanks credit in the liner notes of “The Fragile”.

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