“The Very End of Me”

I made it to my appointment with Dr. Pacifico on Wednesday. I’m on PrEP so I need my blood tested for HIV and other things. I tested negative and the metabolic panel showed that my glucose levels are normal. That’s a big deal, because while they were at the high end of normal, I’ve had higher than normal levels for at least since September of 2023! My efforts are paying off. I usually get results related to my triglycerides and cholesterol from these tests but I haven’t gotten those yet, but I suspect that given the changes to my diet and the amount of exercise I’m doing, that those scores should be drastically improved as well, so I’m anxious to see them.

I ate after my appointment, then headed home, but I still felt a bit wiped out. I still have some minor cold symptoms (which my doctor confirmed are mild as just mentioning it in passing, he insisted on checking stuff out), but they had drawn blood and I’d had to fast for 12 hours, so I stayed in. I didn’t feel much better on Thursday, September 17 and stayed in again, though I was busy working on my DC Animated Universe stuff (most of which isn’t on my website yet) and I also knew I’d be going out on Friday, so I didn’t worry about it.

Friday, September 18. I got up early. I had a smoothie and got ready to head to another doctor’s appointment, this time with a new doctor. I took the A train down to Penn Station, which for a lot of people is where people go to do some site seeing: Madison Square Garden, the Empire State Building & Penn Station. For me, it’s where I’m usually seeking medical treatment or advice. lol

So what did I have done? I had an anal pap smear performed today. My gay doctor (who is amazing) had requested I have one years ago, but at the time, we couldn’t find anyone that performed them on men anymore; he recently found this guy that does them. I was happy to have the test done. I’ve also had hemorrhoid flare-ups most of my life, since I was a child, and though I sought guidance from specialists, the few times I’d been seen, by the time I got in they would be healed, as the waiting process to get in was always so long. He checked me out, and found that there was something he could do a procedure on even though they weren’t flared as of now, which given my issues would likely help, so I agreed on the spot. It took 2 minutes. It hurt afterward. I knew it would be uncomfortable for about 2 weeks, so that wasn’t a surprise, but it was so sudden that I was a bit shocked. In the long run it will likely be worth this relatively minor discomfort, but it’s constant and I didn’t expect it to be so obnoxious. Oh well. My doctor was HOT, funny and charming. And probably gay. I got him to laugh, which is always a good sign IMO.

I made my way home as quick as could be. Pain rolling over me in waves, though by the time I was walking from the train I felt much better. I stopped at this little bodega I like and bought some lettuce, whole grain pita bread and a kiwi. When I got home I had some of that pita bread & lettuce with hummus and Italian salad dressing. I later had another smoothie and tried to relax. I had a conversation with my dear friend Mark Adams. And then I wrote this.

Today’s journal entry title song quote (which was meant to be tongue-in-cheek…or tongue-in-cheeks?) is from “We’re In This Together” by industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails, from their 1999 third studio album “The Fragile”. It has been theorized by some that the track’s lyrics (“You’re the queen and I’m the king” & describing two people trying to fight against an ominous and seemingly unstoppable force) are inspired by David Bowie’s “Heroes”, as Bowie has been recognized as one of Reznor’s great influences – the two later collaborating; Bowie is given a special thanks credit in the liner notes of “The Fragile”.

“The Devil In Your Eyes”

I did get back to bed yesterday morning. I struggled with a migraine and my stomach was worse than the previous days. But I made it to my doctor’s appointment in Hell’s Kitchen. The last time I went to this office, 3 months ago, I learned that an old friend, Brian Lounsberry, had died. When I went yesterday there were reports that Anthony Stewart Head, aka Rupert Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, had passed away. It’s one of the hardest things to reconcile with, as we age, we see others pass from this life.

I started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on January 19, 1998. I remember the episode (S02E13 “Surprise”) and where I was and who I was with (Jennifer in the old apartment at Mapleridge in Ann Arbor, Michigan), what I was feeling before, what I felt during and after. And I quickly became obsessed with the series. I don’t feel that way anymore (because I have most of the series memorized), but during the show’s run and for several years after, the series was extremely important to me. It still pops up in my dreams on a daily basis. We’ve lost 3 cast members in the last 16 months, and at least 2 cast-members of the spin-off series, “Angel”, died years ago, with 32 year old Glenn Quinn (who played Allen Francis Doyle in the first 9 episodes) dying from an accidental drug overdose in 2002, and 33 year old Andy Hallet (who played Lorne across 4 seasons and 47 episodes) dying of congestive heart failure in 2009. May they all rest in peace.

I took the 1 train to 50th and walked to 52nd and 8th for my doctor’s appointment, which went smoothly. In and out, relatively fast (like a date I had once). I walked to Columbus Circle and took the A train home from there. When I got home I took a nap. I tried to eat, which didn’t go well. I wanted to be done for the day but there was an intimate party for our friend Vanessa that I very much wanted to attend. Thankfully that all worked out. But when we got home, I was done. I slept well that night.

I’m not sure what’s going on today. I was invited to attend a sex party by our friend Nathan, but I told him I’m probably not the best candidate. I’d want to talk to everyone and possibly document everything! lol And I’m guessing that’s frowned upon? There’s also the possibility that I would feel very uncomfortable and leave and be awkward, or worse, completely let go, have a blast, and then come home with some lovely new diseases! At the very least, I think about these things way too much. Plus…I likely don’t know anyone at this party and I’m not great at hooking up with strangers. Maybe it’s weird, but I like to LIKE the people that put themselves inside of me. lol

Today’s song quote journal title comes from “Back to Friends” by Sombr from their 2025 album “I Barely Know Her”.

“Remind Me What It Feels Like”

I’m trying to stay awake. I have stuff that I need / want to do that involves use of the TV, which Aaron uses on the weekends and evenings when he’s home, almost constantly. He plays a lot of video games and watches a lot of stuff to unwind. I could have used a smaller monitor but I haven’t wanted to. Plus, if the mood hits me, it’s easier for me to write when there aren’t a lot of distractions.

We had a good Saturday. We went to the NYC Botanical Gardens in the Bronx. It was our second visit; we’re members so we’re trying to go more often. I made the plans, which Aaron thanked me for. It was relaxing, fun and so very chill. We hold hands just about everywhere that we go but it has felt even more special of late given all the shit going on in our fucked up country. We went to the Orchid Show, which involved us being herded through a confined green house space, but everyone inside was lovely – except the people that worked there, who were needlessly rude, which everyone commented on. Later we walked around a bit then headed home. We didn’t try to see everything because, again, we plan on going more often.

When we got home we continued our “Re-Trek”. A couple of years ago now, we started watching all of Star Trek together in chronological order. We booked through Enterprise, Discovery and what exists of Strange New Worlds and we made short work of everything up to Star Trek: The Next Generation, but we’ve been dragging our feet for awhile now. Today we watched S03E03 “The Survivors”, which I don’t think I’d seen since it first aired in 1989. There was much that I didn’t remember, but I knew how it ended; likely because this story is retold a few times in Trek. I also remembered that Anne Ryan Haney played a character in it, though I wouldn’t have been able to tell you the actor’s name; I did know that it was the same actor from DS9’s “Dax” & the film “Mrs. Doubtfire”, both of which I love. The episode was okay. I’m much more familiar with the latter half of this season of TNG because I had everything from S03E13 “Deja Q” through Season 6 (?) recorded on VHS and I watched my favorite episodes multiple times. There are a couple of stories in Season 7 that I don’t think I’ve seen more than once or twice though, and not in decades.

I have mix playing which includes “In This Twilight” by Nine Inch Nails. I’ve always loved this song. When it was new I printed up the lyrics and included them in a collage (because, when I don’t I make collages?) – they were placed on my bedroom ceiling right above where I would lay my head.

Player

I haven’t heard
this music in ages,

Danced San Francisco
with Breakfast in Vegas,

Down underground
& you only live twice,

On New York play list
my life has been spliced.

Over the ground
it’s westward I’m stabbing,

Pimping my sneakers
which aren’t quite worth having,

Ditching the songs
in hope of return,

Lighting my way
with dead stars that burn.

Written by Jason Wright
July 31, 2017

Train Robbery

Dancing ecstatic
on a Barrel of a Gun
until mariachi band boards the train
and hideous smelling woman’s back fat
covered in deceptive pink
is pressed between slats to assault,
scar, wound and torment
my once focused psyche.

Pig thing whines and runs
as NIN sings
about Year Zero.

Thank Trent! (with a silent Capital G)

Written by Jason Wright
July 31, 2017

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