Tag: Myra Canell

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“Learn to Forgive Me”

Tuesday’s VisionQuest episode, S01E07 “Immolation” was interesting, if not wholly satisfying. The finale will arrive 3 nights from now, and I’ll be better able to judge the series overall at that point. It’s doing all the things I wanted, and it’s giving me more than I expected, yet it reuses so much of the older footage, which I have memorized that it’s hard to not feel slightly cheated. It’s probably a lot better for someone who doesn’t keep this stuff in their brains constantly. lol It’s very good, but it’s my least favorite bit of the trilogy so far. I prefer “Agatha All Along”, then “WandaVision”, then “VisionQuest”. But perhaps the ending will change that? I doubt it. But this isn’t bad. I just don’t love it the way I did the others. I worked on several projects on Wednesday but didn’t get anything done.

Thursday I had therapy in person after non having seen my therapist in 2 weeks. The trip downtown was pleasant, and seeing Anna in person is always nice, but it was extra special this time as I was able to show her one of the engagement videos from Halloween. The appointment went well overall. On my way home I stopped at Quest Diagnostics to pick up some equipment for a test that I’m having done – and that trip took a bit longer than I expected, and it was raining, and I was unexpectedly exhausted when I got home. I just relaxed. Aaron and I watched another Strange New Worlds episode (S04E09 “Once La’An a Time”), which I had been warned about and assumed I would hate – but I didn’t. It wasn’t a great episode, and I think if I had gone in blind I would have been much more judgmental, but given some of the shit this show had pulled in recent installments, this was far from the worst.

Friday I went with Aaron to one of his treatments. I’d slept well the night before (and most of this week) but I was very tired and worried I wouldn’t wake up enough to drive us home – but I did. It was my first time driving in New York in the rain, which was challenging at times, but I got us home. We relaxed for much of the day. That night we finished Season 4 of Strange New Worlds. both of us feeling that the finale (S04E10 “Tomorrow’s Enterprise”) was quite good, and a bit disappointed that the series isn’t more often like this. But we also both feel a bit more hopeful about next year’s 6 episode Season 5, which will end the series and this era of Trek overall.

I slept well again last night. We cuddled this morning, as we try to do most mornings. We’ve been working on different things in different parts of the apartment today, but we pass each other and share a kiss, or a hug, some affection. I was thinking of Aaron Kogut earlier, as I sometimes do. I think about a lot of people but usually don’t reach out. Partially because I feel like I think about others way more than they think about me…and partially because I don’t always have the energy to do so. I spoke to my grandmother today. I still haven’t heard from my step-father. Today would have been my mother’s 76th birthday. She died on July 12, 2021. I miss her, but I feel like we parted on very good terms, which could easily have not been the case, given our often volatile history, so I’ll always be grateful for that.


Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Promise to Try” by American singer and songwriter Madonna, from her 1989 fourth studio album, “Like a Prayer”.


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“I Don’t Want To Be Alone, Where Is My Baby?”

I slept about 6 hours but I tossed and turned, waking up in a very uncomfortable position. My back hurt a little. When I was a kid I slept on the floor and didn’t sleep in a bed until I was around 10? When I would sleep on the floor I’d roll in my sleep, waking in a very different place than when I fell asleep. It’s the same now at times in bed, only I don’t roll out of the bed, thankfully. lol

When I got up around noon, after stretching and responding to some texts, I weighed myself again. 189lbs. I was a bit surprised by that. I was 189.4 yesterday, but I expected to weigh a bit more today. People, I’ve learned this year, gain and lose a few pounds most days and I figured that yesterday’s reading was me at my lower end of that scale, but apparently not. Hopefully this trend continues. I want my PCP to be shocked at my results next month. lol And then I plan on switching doctors. I’m still pissed about how my results were fucked up back in June and the tailspin that I very narrowly avoided.

I had a blueberry zucchini smoothie for breakfast. Later I tried some broccoli cheese tots, which I enjoyed. I worked on my website, starting a DC Multiverse page – which is in a very early stage. My friend, Michael Anderson, who often consults me for viewing orders recently asked for my Arrow Multiverse order. I gave him what I had finished, which he said was perfect. I have it saved as a Google Spreadsheet, but now I’ve started converting that information to be displayed here. But I want to do something beyond the Arrowverse. I mean, the Arrowverse interacts with the DC Extended Universe (in their adaptation of “Crisis on Infinite Earths”), which clearly ties into the current DC Universe. So I’ll try to break it all down here.

After working on that for several hours I shaved and I showered. I was thinking of my mom again, so wore the elephant key chain she gave me out to get more unsweetened black iced tea. It helps me feel closer to her. When I got back some repairmen came by to fix our washer / dryer – which seems to have been an easy fix actually, so that’s nice – if that’s what was the problem. Aaron is getting ready and packing. He’s leaving tomorrow morning with Bernard, heading to Florida for a week before he & Bernie drive to Michigan on the 30th. I’ll be flying to Michigan that day to meet them, and we’ll be out of New York until September 9. I shouldn’t have to travel again until Thanksgiving (Florida) and then Christmas (Michigan again). Anyways, I’m bummed that Aaron will be gone. I don’t mind being on my own and I do cherish my alone time during the day, but it’s different when Aaron is gone for days at a time. I don’t freak out or anything – but it’s difficult to sleep when his side of the bed is empty. It feels wrong. I’m sure lots of couples can relate.

I just had a cherry zucchini smoothie. I may have some pita bread later with lettuce, or possibly an egg white wrap with olives and hummus, or possibly both, depending on how long I’m awake. I feel tired now, but I’ve had trouble getting to bed this early for at least a week so it seems unlikely that I’ll just fall into bed anytime soon.

Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Where Is My Man”, a song from 1983 by the American singer and actress Eartha Kitt, which appeared on her 1984 album I Love Men. The song was co-written by openly gay comedy writer Bruce Vilanch along with musicians and producers Fred Zarr and the also openly gay Jacques Morali. As far as I know I’d never heard this song until earlier this year. I love it.

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“I’ve forgotten how to dream my own dream”

I had a rough evening yesterday. I was already a little sad when I wrote yesterday but I wasn’t sure why. I had listened to the new Tori Amos album. Later, in the shower, I realized that Sean Mobley would never hear this album, despite him enjoying her music even more than I do and it hit so hard that I wept, which I don’t often do when I think about Sean. I get a little down sometimes when I think about him, but I seldom shed tears. I’m not sure why. But I was exhausted. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed early, frustrated that I didn’t feel up to expressing what was happening. I spoke to my sister Janice on the phone and then called Grandma for a quick goodnight.

Around then my sleeping pill kicked in and everything is a blur, but I appear to have eaten a bit, which annoys me. I don’t remember what happened and that always bugs me, but I did sleep very well. When I woke up around 5am I came out to the office and wrote a poem about Sean and the new Tori album. This is the first poem that I’ve written since creating the website and having a place for it to go without posting it on Facebook, which feels good. I might share this with Sean’s mother. She’s always been very supportive of me.

One of the things that Janice and I discussed last night was death. Death and our mother. Dreams we have of her. When Janice dreams about her she knows in the dreams that mom is gone, but in my dreams I don’t usually know. She’s also usually not the focus of whatever dreams she appears in. Janice says she also dreams about our grandfather quite often, but I don’t think I do at all. He died a year ago this month.

I listened to more Tori and worked on organizing the photos I’ve used in the collages in the my photos section to help prevent me from reusing the same photos when the whole point is to contrast old and new with everything given a new spin. I should have been doing this all along but I wasn’t sure how I wanted to go about it and I’m still not sure that what I’m doing is the best, but it will do for now.

I went back to bed for some Aaron cuddles but I was feeling restless and left after about 40 minutes. I’m hungry and should eat soon, but I’m not sure what I’m going to have. I’m just hoping for a productive day. And if I can get outside that will be 5 days in a row. It’s very sunny out right now, which is an improvement on yesterday’s overcast sky. It should be about 65, which isn’t bad.

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