“Here I Am”

I didn’t go to the party Saturday evening. I tried to get ready for it and so much was going wrong that I was quite stressed, but once I decided not to go (and had a rare Xanax) I calmed down considerably. I walked Aaron to the lot where our car was parked and then continued walking for a bit, first to Bennett Park and then heading back home. Oh, and I did text Ilyssa and Christopher. 🙂

The Marvel Comic Con news was slightly disappointing – but it was what I was actually expecting. Before it started I remembered that D23 is happening next month and how they have separated film and series news between the two presentations, so I figured we wouldn’t be getting the news I most wanted, which was for VisionQuest – which I do expect we’ll learn about at D23. They did make a few big announcements, including that Ryan Gosling will star in a Ghost Rider movie in 2028 & that Black Panther III will be out in December of 2028, with David Jonsson playing an adult version of T’Challa’s son from “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever”; how the character is aged up is rumored to be explained in next year’s “Avengers: Secret Wars”. Letitia Wright and Winston Duke are also confirmed to be returning in that movie (as Black Panther / Shuri & M’Baku), while Denzel Washington was revealed to have a role in the movie a long while ago. Ryan Coogler will also return to direct. I don’t really care about Ghost Rider. I’ve never been a big fan, though I did enjoy the version on Season 4 of “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”, played by Gabriel Luna. But I’m hyped about the Black Panther trilogy being completed 10 years (and 8 years and 10 months after the first film). That’s cool

There was also an “Avengers: Doomsday” panel, with another trailer, which hasn’t been officially released publicly. I’ve not watched the bootlegs because I’d rather wait to see it in high quality. But reports suggest the new trailer is even better than the first, with more context for who Doom is and what the film might entail. And though I was already aware the character would be returning, Hayley Atwell was on-hand to confirm that Peggy Carter will be in the film. Ryan Reynolds also made an appearance, which implies the the character MIGHT be in the movie. I’ve heard rumors that he is, but I try to avoid spoilers so I don’t actually know if he is or not, and I’d rather not know unless they officially announce it. Though, I suspect there are more than a few characters returning in either “Doomsday” or “Secret Wars” that we don’t know about, or at least I don’t, which is fine with me. Oh. And sadly, the Latverian Witch display did not feature a Scarlet Witch reference on the final day, and while many people are buzzing about her possibly returning, if it’s in “Doomsday”, we just don’t know yet. I’ve heard from a reputable source, that even if she’s not in the movie, she will be back soon. I just hope it’s true. I very much want Wanda, Vision, Billy & Tommy (and Agatha) to be reunited.

They did not announce the new “X-Men” film, despite it being in development and likely coming out in 2028. It’s rumored that they didn’t talk about it so as not to spoil anything from “Spider-Man: Brand New Day”, which opens on Thursday – and if so, there’s a very good chance that they’ll announce that at D23. And I’m looking forward to that for sure.

Sunday. I ate well, healthy. I went for a walk around the neighborhood, twice. Really it was one walk but I stopped by the apartment to drop off some groceries (pita bread and grape fruit yogurt), then headed out again. I’m sure I walked at least a mile, probably more. I was really pushing it.

I didn’t spend much time with Aaron on Sunday. When I was home he was really into watching Marvel. He told me that he wanted to watch Star Trek with me, but when he’s really into something, I have a difficult time interrupting him, even when I know he wants me to. It’s weird. It’s been a problem over the years. I was also just very tired after my walk. I didn’t sleep, but I was physically tired.

This morning (well, it was around noon) I weighed 190.4 lbs. I’ve lost over 30 lbs since 2024, 21 of them since March. It’s exciting to see results from what I’m doing, but it’s weird too. I’m really into it, but I’m trying constantly to let myself relax and not worry about it. I mean, despite being 20lbs overweight now, I’ve vastly improve since my last doctor’s appointment, well, the one where I got really horrible feedback and weird test results that were totally invalidated by their methods. But I’m excited to return and prove them wrong. A pound or two off is easy to ignore because people gain and lose a few pounds pretty regularly, but this can’t be ignored. All of my health scores have improved. All of them. Some of them still rank as higher than what they should be, but the improvement is impressive. And that makes me happy. that’s all. And I’m happy with what I’m eating. Today I’ve had a smoothie (Boost, protein powder, fiber, coffee, blueberries, almond milk, zucchini), several bottles of water with fiber, 2 pita breads with lettuce, hummus & Italian dressing, a piece of toast (high fiber bread) with chia seeds, a kiwi, and a mix of olives, almonds, pistachios, peanuts, sunflower seeds and pecans. That’s so different from when I was eating ice cream and potato chips every day.

I stumbled on this pendant, the central one with greyish stone, which my cousin Starr had given to me years before. She was wearing it and I told her I liked it and she immediately took it off and gave it to me. She was like that. That was also the last time I ever saw her alive. She died on January 31 of 2001. I thought about her while I got ready to go out. It was really just a series of moments, but she was very special and I can still remember how she looked and what her voice sounded like. She was one the relatives I came out to when I was finally telling more people and she was really lovely.

Also on my way out I traded calls and message with Mark Adams. He and his daughter Raven are watching most of the mainline Marvel Multiverse entries, in release order, as that’s how Raven wants to do it. I gave them a list and they’ve been following it. He said that they’ve finished “Thor: Love & Thunder” and will begin “She-Hulk: Attorney at Law” soon. They had been watching “Moon Knight” the last time I saw them, which means they’ve also seen “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” and “Ms. Marvel” since then, which I hadn’t thought of, so I didn’t ask what they thought of them. I’ll have to remember to talk about that next time.

I went for another walk today. It was overcast, very warm and extremely humid but I enjoyed the exercise. I had to stop at the pharmacy on the way home to fill a prescription that I’ll be out of before we return from FL. It was so HOT in that store. I was sweating a lot. When I got home my shirt was soaked through and I showered for the second time – I usually shower and shave before I leave as well, like I did today.

And then I sat down to write this while I ate. I really shouldn’t eat at my computer but I keep doing it just the same.

Today’s journal title song quote is from “The Only Living Boy in New York” by Simon & Garfunkel, which is the eighth track from the duo’s fifth and final studio album, “Bridge over Troubled Water”. The song was also issued as the B-side of the duo’s “Cecilia” single. I’d heard a lot of their music growing up, “The Sound of Silence” being one my mother’s favorite songs, but somehow I’d never heard this one (or I at least I didn’t remember it) until it was used in the final scene of the HBO film version of Larry Kramer’s “The Normal Heart” (2014), which I didn’t see until September 19, 2016 – and it was fucking incredible. I’ve since seen it at least twice more, and I’ll likely always associate the song with that movie.

“Buried By Desires and Weakness”

I slept about 6 hours last night. I felt rested. When I got up I started working on a Marvel multiverse viewing order for my website but it’s slow going as I’m having to do the art and fill in information that I didn’t have before. I made a lot of progress though. But I’m struggling with something that has been bothering me for awhile, trying to figure out how to highlight essential elements vs. items included strictly for completionism. I’m also including (or want to include) supplemental materials for a more enriched experience, but I don’t know how to list those things in a cohesive manner. So, unlike other lists and entries I don’t have the pay off of publishing it because I’m not even close to being finished, so it’s just a saved draft for now.

And that sucked up hours of my day, which I hadn’t planned for. It seems beautiful out but I’m struggling with a migraine now, and the energy I had yesterday seems completely depleted. My own weaknesses are cropping up and I hate it. I’m not sure what’s going on with me today exactly, except that one of my new medications tends to stay in my system longer than I think it should. But it’s also helping me to not take Ambien every night and I only have 4 more doses so this problem will pass in time.

In the last 24 hours I’ve also tried to make notes about a possible third entry in my Sex Essays. I have tons of material to write about but I haven’t yet found a framework for the next entry; there’s no contextual outline or structure that might eventually entrap the next tale into a consistently harmonious telling. Once I find something, I’ll know, and it will likely flow relatively quickly. That’s how the first two entries worked, even if I did write them almost 10 years apart. I definitely want to get more written in the coming weeks and months.

Also, my conversations with Michael yesterday left me feeling a bit confused. There are elements of that relationship that have stayed with me ever since. Some of that is PTSD, which I have failed to conquer, although I have identified most of that and explained it to Aaron and my friends and family, so they can understand my reactions to things that seem like red flags, and they are, but they are warning signs for something that actually happened about 15 years ago, rather than anything that’s happening now. Part of me is stuck back there and despite my best efforts I just can’t free myself from that mess. The other part is a complicated sexual component that predates my 2 year relationship with Michael, but was greatly amplified by my experiences with him and then continued on long after we parted. It’s something that I’ve tried very hard to explore and understand, and sometimes I feel that I do. I feel like the work of understanding these things is important and that had I not tried I would have suffered more. I wish I had the foresight to have explored these elements of my personality years before, but I can only try my best. I will continue to explore this topic. Just talking about it here, it’s clear that there is much to write about, and perhaps that could help as well. I’m just not sure if I have any concrete conclusions to highlight in such a piece. But maybe that could be the whole point?

I miss Aaron. I’ve not had any meaningful conversations with him since Monday. I know that he’s very busy so I’m not too distressed about it, but when we spoke on the phone yesterday he seemed odd? I don’t know what that’s about and I’m not sure I will until we can talk about it a bit more.

Glenn sent me a message awhile ago. He said that he really likes Christian a lot, and that they had some fun conversations about me. But he didn’t explain. And I’m not sure what a conversation about me would entail. Glenn did say that my history would make a great play, and he also thought I should do standup, and I do genuinely love Christian, so I’m sure it was all innocent fun, but I’m left wondering what it all means.

I need to order some groceries.



Agatha All Along (2024)

2025 Entry #60 10-30-24 “Agatha All Along” is an American television miniseries created by Jac Schaeffer for the streaming service Disney+, based on Marvel Comics featuring the character of Agatha Harkness. The series is essentially Season 2 of the 2021 Marvel miniseries, “WandaVision” (2021) and shares continuity with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Schaeffer served as showrunner and lead director.

The series features queer talent, like Joe Locke as the mysterious “teen”, Miles Gutierrez-Riley as the teen’s loving boyfriend Eddie, and Sasheer Zamata as the bound witch, Jennifer Kale. Queer icons Patti LuPone, Aubrey Plaza & Kathryn Hahn also appear in the series, and the past relationship of the latter two as title character Agatha and the mysterious Green Witch known as Rio Vidal, is an essential element of the story. The series also confirms the queer nature of two characters who were themselves introduced in the aforementioned “WandaVision”.

This series is a delight! I loved “WandaVision” and I love most of Marvel so I’m a bit biased. I do however know people who enjoyed this who were somehow ignorant of the fact that it is a sequel or part of a larger story, but I’d recommend at least watching “WandaVision” before this series – and if possible, “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” between them – because these 3 stories weave in and out of one another – and all of them feature queer characters. I always hoped that one of these queer characters would be introduced but I doubted they ever would! And not only has it now happened, but it happened in this impressive puzzle box of a series that genuinely surprised me with several of its twists.

I should warn people, I suppose, that the ending sets up more stories, which is pretty typical of Marvel, but these stories have a good chance at being made as this series was a big hit for Disney / Marvel! Rumors persist that this series will get a second season as it was nominated for awards outside the “limited series” categories and Disney+ has begun listing it as “Season 1”. Additionally, an alternate version of Agatha (still seemingly queer) & Vision have already returned in an episode of another series (“What If…?”) and another alternate take on Wanda is expected to appear in Marvel Zombies in October of 2025 – while the version of Vision from the parent series is also expected to return in his own spotlight show in 2026.

Highly recommended! Especially if you’re a Marvel fan!

Edit: This series has since been described the the middle part in a trilogy, made up of “WandaVision”, “Agatha All Along” & “VisionQuest”, an upcoming miniseries. Again, I’d include “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” between ‘Wanda’ & ‘Agatha’ but otherwise this seems to make sene. The new series is expected in late 2026.

Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)

2024 Entry #56 07-25-24 “Deadpool & Wolverine” is a 2024 American superhero comedy film based on Marvel Comics which serves as both the 14th entry in Fox’s X-Men film universe and the official 34th film in the ongoing Marvel Cinematic Universe. The film was directed by Shawn Levy (“Stranger Things”, “Free Guy”) from a screenplay he wrote with Ryan Reynolds (“Buying the Cow”, “The Nines”, “Deadpool”, “Deadpool 2”), Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, and Zeb Wells.

I’m going to avoid spoilers, including plot info here as the film is still in theaters, and I have friends who still haven’t seen the film – which is packed with surprises that I don’t want to spoil.

Having said that, Deadpool is back and he’s more openly pansexual than ever – and this time he brought lots of friends, including cameo roles for openly queer Brianna Hildebrand as Negasonic Teenage Warhead, a teenage member of the X-Men & Shioli Kutsuna as Yukio, Negasonic Teenage Warhead’s girlfriend and fellow X-Men member – both returning from previous Deadpool films. I’m sure there are other elements which I could mention, but it’s been nearly a month since I saw it and I only remember the highlights – because I didn’t write this right away. Lol

The movie is a fun action / comedy – with extreme comedy action violence and much raunchy humor. The film has been a huge success, having joined the billion dollar club and already ranking as the highest grossing rated R movie of all time.

Deadpool 2 (2018)

2024 Entry #54 07-21-24 “Deadpool 2” is a 2018 American superhero film based on the openly pansexual Marvel Comics character Deadpool. Distributed by 20th Century Fox, it is the sequel to “Deadpool” (2016) and, to my way of thinking, the thirteenth installment in the X-Men film series. The film was directed by David Leitch (“Atomic Blonde”) and written by Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, and Ryan Reynolds, who all worked on the original “Deadpool” and the upcoming sequel “Deadpool & Wolverine”. Ryan Reynolds (“Buying the Cow”, “The Nines”, “Deadpool”, “Deadpool & Wolverine”) also stars in the title role alongside openly queer Brianna Hildebrand (as lesbian character Negasonic Teenage Warhead), Josh Brolin (“Milk”, “Women in Trouble”, “Avengers: Endgame”), Morena Baccarin (“Firefly”, “The Good Wife”, “Deadpool”, “Deadpool & Wolverine”), Zazie Beetz (“Black Mirror”) & T. J. Miller (“Deadpool”). In the film, Deadpool forms the X-Force to protect a young mutant from the time-traveling soldier Cable.

The Queer Factor: Wade Wilson / Deadpool is more openly pansexual in this sequel, hitting on men and women constantly. Additionally, Negasonic Teenage Warhead has a girlfriend in this film, Yukio (Shioli Kutsuna); all three of these queer characters will return in the upcoming sequel. Also, the film goes out of its way to paint the anti-mutant villains as a kind of gay conversion camp, and then the hero takes great joy in killing them.

The Sequel Factor: For what it is worth, I enjoyed the first film more than this one, but I do still enjoy this movie. They’re both entertaining and fun, hyper violent and sexual, but this film is a bit unfocused and not all of the jokes land. I have high hopes for the sequel though, which we’re planning on seeing in theaters this week.

Be sure to stick around through the credits for some essential information.

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