Runner Without a Cause

Our love like a flower
who’s petals you’ve bruised.

You listened to madness;
refused to hear truth.

You filled me with sadness
for love had been soured.

You looked like an angel
but ran like a coward.

Accepted gift horse and
betrayed with belief.

Did not question source;
just attacked in your grief.

You lashed out with lies
fed to you by phantoms.

Couldn’t meet eyes
as you gave in to tantrums.

Attacked with untruths
sold as truth without cause.

You deny my response;
you must know yours is flawed.

You bought into farce
but refuse explanation.

I will not be broken
by your devastation.

I’ve loved you for years
and that won’t go away.

Even with all of the hate
that you spray.

I won’t fall to fear,
to anger or malice.

I won’t be a fool
or be rude or be callous.

Won’t be overwhelmed
by your venomous exit.

Won’t disavow the
love of the desperate.

Won’t drown in pain
although there are tears.

I won’t chase a man
who’s been running for years.

I will not forget as
you shun and run from me.

I will not regret
what you’ve painted as ugly.

That you could believe
when I’ve loved you for ages…

That you could be mean
without cause is outrageous…

And our perfect kiss
which you’ve lost in cliché…

I will not give chase
when you’ve thrown that away.

Yet my love is not lost
in spite of the burns…

And I’ll leave a light on
in the hope you’ll return…

For I’ve done nothing wrong
despite point of view…

And you’ve no need to run
because love remains true.

Written by Jason Wright
July 24, 2017

Showered

Showering after sex
my mind is overcome
by thoughts, sensations, memories.

“Call Me by Your Name”
has reminded me of Rob –
the way he made a pass at me
when I was 17 –
the way I reacted
and the way I’ve often wished
I could change that moment –
erase it, rewrite it,
never experience that level of self loathing
born of inexperience…
that impression of what I lack.

Still…
kissing at church has to count for something.

My conversation with young relative returns;
how I tried to calm his fears
on Trump and AIDS and love and sex.
It only takes one time, you know?

A boy I knew who worked on Fire Island
died of an “infection” a few weeks ago –
life support turned off –

INFECTION
FIRE ISLAND
GAY
DEATH

The words that silently scream at me what I believe to be the cause
while everyone politely refuses to mention what has happened…
And the band continues to play on.

Men I’ve been inside of,
Men who’ve been inside of me
are positive.

Best friends,
Loved ones,
Infected but seldom mentioned
because an illness
is easily
the least interesting thing about them.

I think of Aaron and the tears he shed
and the words he said
and the progress he confirmed…
the wonderful weekends we’ve had.

I think about upcoming hearing while
trying not to face it with terror or worry
while the video they’re supposed to send me
has never arrived (three times).

But the shower must end
and scalding hot water must cease it’s spray.

And so I dry myself –
step back into the world
and I forget.

Written by Jason Wright
February 27, 2017

TWO DAYS WILL BE TEN

The most perfect kiss
that I’ve ever had…

An innocent bliss
before it went bad…

A smile and glow;
erections and laughter…

That kiss was worth everything;
all that came after.

He passed through my heart
and I barely saw him…

He rips me apart
with the truth of his random
journey through life
and I wish I could hold him…

I wish I could make it alright
and I’ve told him…

I can’t save myself
so I can’t be his savior…

I’m falling apart
and I’m falling from favor…

I’ve crashed to the Earth
and I’m trashed in this crater…

Yet the bliss
of that kiss
still exists ten years later.

Written by Jason Wright
October 16, 2011

For Sean

WISHING

Wish you were here
and that things were the same
as they were when I met you
with no one to blame…
with no illness or madness
or distance between us…
I wish you were here
with desire to fill us…
I wish you were riding
and we were together…
I wish we were writing
and we were forever…
I wish that the others
who found you were kinder…
My wishes serve as a constant reminder
that wishes mean nothing in the face of disaster…
I wish I could hear the sound of your laughter…
I wish I inspired it…
Although it sounds sappy…
I wish you the best and hope that you’re happy.

Written by Jason Wright
August 26, 2011

For Sean: who inspired much more and deserves so much better.

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