“The Dreams In Which I’m Dying”

I slept 6 hours. That’s pretty common lately. I go through phases throughout the year(s) where I sleep 8. Where I sleep in split shifts, 4 hours here and then 4 hours later. And then the 6 hour variety, where I wake up feeling very rested but will likely need a nap later. I can sometimes get back to sleep after 6 if the TV is off. Aaron needs to have something playing in the background when he sleeps and kindly listens to the TV via headphones and with the screen dimmed, but sometimes even then, that’s too much light, which can wake me up or keep me awake. But it is programmed to go off at a certain time and if I wake and get back to sleep with the TV off, I can sometimes manage a few more hours, only Aaron woke up too and restarted the TV cycle, so I got up. I’m not upset about this, because again, I feel good. I’m not even sure I could have gotten back to sleep had the room been completely dark.

I had odd dreams, which I no longer remember. I’ve kept a dream diary for the last couple of years, but I don’t think I’ve written anything down in it recently. Perhaps I’ll transcribe these dreams here at a later time? That would be interesting.

I stopped writing this to watch a YouTube reaction to “Donnie Darko”, as one does. lol That movie, along with “Life as a House” were the first 2 movies I rented when I started working at Hollywood Video in 2002. Yes. A video store. I’m so old. lol. Which amuses me. Anyways, I loved it. It was a new release. I actually loved both movies. But I’d never heard of “Donnie Darko”, and then I spent years telling everyone how great it was. I own the “Director’s Cut”, and while I think it’s interesting, I feel like the theatrical version is the better film. I used to own a “Donnie Darko” shirt and I also used to have themed artwork (fan art) on my bedroom walls – the Ann Arbor bedroom where I lived from summer 2000 – fall of 2011.

Today’s journal entry title song quote is from the 1982 song “Mad World” by the English new wave band Tears for Fears. Written by Roland Orzabal and sung by bassist Curt Smith, it was the band’s third single release and first chart hit, reaching number three on the UK Singles Chart in November 1982. Both “Mad World” and its B-side, “Ideas as Opiates”, appeared on the band’s debut LP The Hurting (1983). This single was also the band’s first international success, reaching the top 40 in several countries in 1982–83. In the UK, it was the 12th best-selling single of 1982.

“Mad World” has since been covered by various artists, including a 2001 version recorded by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules for the soundtrack of the film “Donnie Darko”; a 2003 single release of the song reached number one in the UK for three consecutive weeks and won Orzabal his second Ivor Novello Award. A 2021 rendition of the song was included on Demi Lovato’s album “Dancing with the Devil… the Art of Starting Over”.

The “Donnie Darko” film also features “Head Over Heels” by Tears for Fears. Aside from the new film score and the score and new material, I already owned all of the music featured in the film, though I suspect a lot of people my age did. It probably helped me bond with the film though.

“My Own Private Idaho” (1991)

The LGBTQ movie pandemic lock down marathon continues…with Gus Van Sant’s 1991 masterpiece, “My Own Private Idaho”, which I’d seen many times before, but again, not in several years. And just like today’s other entry (“Edge of Seventeen”), I was surprised how much I’d forgotten of this film and I feel I noticed things that I never had before…perhaps because I’m seeing it so far removed from previous viewings? It probably doesn’t hurt that I watched it on a huge TV.

“My Own Private Idaho” was the first gay themed movie that I actively sought out. It was the first movie that I rented once I had a drivers licence and could get an account at a video store (Blockbuster). At the time I was incensed that any movie with LGBTQ material was flagged by Blockbuster as something that could only be rented by people 17 and older regardless of content…and yet I was also grateful as it made such properties easier for me to find, and I rented many other such films which had a lasting impression, even if they didn’t join the collection I’m enjoying now. Years later, I was hired at Hollywood Video and during my interview I mentioned my disdain for Blockbuster for this very reason, which impressed my new manager (DJ).

As for the film itself it was (and remains) for me a haunting, eccentric collage of tones and quirks which exhilarated me as a film fan, even as it sometimes frustrated me as someone yearning to see representations of my own experiences; something that’s faded with time and more satisfying portrayals. Having said that, the campfire scene in which River Phoenix’s sympathetic, narcoleptic street hustler Mike Waters confesses that he loves Keanu Reeves’ gay for pay Scott Favor – and that he wants to kiss him, was a breakthrough moment for me as a gay film fan, and for the actors as well – it’s cited in nearly every review I’ve read of the film…and I watched that part repeatedly.

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