The other day, someone described my body as toned. Did I already mention that? lol The idea that anyone would ever is laughable. And yet…here are the very small muscles to prove it! lol I took these before bed on Thursday (October 1). I mention this because I’ve started lifting weights since then. I bought a set of very light weights about a year ago? I never did anything with them before though. But since I have these little muscles I’m trying to use them. I feel a little silly, lifting. I don’t really know what I’m doing at all, but I can feel the muscles working, which is fascinating for someone who’s never experienced such a thing before!
On Friday, October 2, the weather was sort of all over the place. It was sunny. It was cloudy. It was like a hot summer day, but then suddenly overcast and almost raining. This kind of stuff affects my mood a lot. I decided I needed to get outside. As I got ready to shower, I had the funniest thought and wondered if my new muscled hadn’t been a dream! But they were still there, I checked. I’ve always had a little bit of a belly, ever since I was a kid. It didn’t matter how thing I was, I always had a belly. I suspect this is because I was malnourished, having never eaten in a remotely healthy manner, and struggling to eat at all a child – actually, struggling to starve myself due to trauma. For the first time, I wondered if I might be able to lose the belly and what I might look like if I did. I guess I’ve thought about it before, but it never seemed like an actual possibility. But now? I’m eating really healthy – far healthier than any other time in my life. It’s not even close. And I’m seeing real signs of physical improvement, in a way that I never have before. So maybe it’s possible? I’m not sure I have the positivity to believe that it could really happen, but I’m at least thinking about it, which I haven’t let myself do in decades.
So I showered and shaved and got ready to go out. I decided on no eyeliner or jewelry. Just to be different. I wasn’t sure where I was going. I considered heading to a library in Inwood to see my friend Isaiah. I also thought I would like to walk there through Fort Tryon Park, but I wasn’t sure if I could make it before they closed, as the path through the park is far more circuitous than just walking up Broadway, which felt disappointing, and made me wished I’d stepped outside sooner. I also considered walking to the Little Red Lighthouse under the George Washington Bridge, as I’ve not been there in over a year and it’s a walk I thought I could handle. But that made me realize I still wasn’t sure how people got onto the G.W.B. anymore, given the construction that has been going on since the last time I walked across. So I headed in search of the answer, and found it, surprisingly quickly. The entryway is around 180th Street & Cabrini Avenue. I hadn’t actually planned to walk across the bridge and the shoes I was wearing weren’t as comfortable as I had hoped, but I started across. I only made it about a quarter of the way, but that’s a lot further than it might seem, as the path before the bridge is oddly curvy and forces you to walk much further than if you were moving directly from point to the other.
I headed home after that little adventure. I felt like I could walk a bit more but I was sweaty and I didn’t like the shoes I was wearing. I went home, showered the sweat off, put on my eyeliner and makeup, changed, and did my usual 2 mile hike to Fort Tryon’s Linden Terrace and back. Collectively, I had walked much further than I usually do and on my way home I could really feel it and my legs were sore the next day. I stayed in on Saturday but I used the weights again.
I had trouble sleeping Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I went to be very early on each night, woke up after 4 or 5 hours, got up and struggled to get back to sleep later, as I knew I had to be up at 7 each day to help motivate Aaron, which is favor he asked of me. He’s been depressed, and morning activity has become something quite difficult for him. I’m happy to help him, only I struggle with keeping the same hours. I’ve had a lot of success sleeping at night the last few years – again, far more success than at any other time in my life, but there are activities that I can only accomplish at night when Aaron is asleep. Work on my website can be tricky when Aaron is working out of the same office because he projects his voice when he’s in a Zoom meeting or on the phone, and it’s quite loud. Sometimes I can hear him through headphones when I’m at the opposite end of the apartment and through several doors, so imagine trying to work through that with us in the same room. It’s not that I don’t want to be around him; its that we need very different environments to work effectively. I also need the lights to be dimmed or shaded as my eyes are very sensitive to light. Bright (even normal) lights are distracting and can cause me migraines. He needs the light for his video appointments and his general wellbeing. So my working in the office at night is generally a good way for me to get a lot done, even if it means I come to bed late. But if I come to bed late now, I can’t sleep in because I need to be up at 7 to help Aaron. It’s a conundrum. But it’s been a little less than a week since he asked me for the help. I’m hoping we either fall into a rhythm that works for us both, or we come up with some other option. I’m just not sure what that will be.
Last night was rough. I woke up around 11:30pm after going to bed around 7. I think I would have gone right back to sleep but I was concerned about Aaron, who was still not in bed. I got up. But in getting up I woke up fully and stayed awake. I got a lot of work done on several projects, but when I would have gone to bed at 5, I worried that if I did go to bed and it took me a bit to get to sleep, I would need to get up at 7 so that I could assist Aaron. So I decided to stay awake instead. But when I spoke to Aaron at 7, he said he appreciated this but that I could just go to sleep. On the one hand I was grateful and fell asleep in Aaron’s arms. But on the other hand I was annoyed that I wasn’t able to go to bed sooner for fear of fucking things up later. It’s not like I could ask him if it was okay while he was sleeping.
Today has been a mixed bag. The weather was overcast and gloomy. And the work I’ve been doing on my website, is mostly related to my Marvel Cinematic Multiverse viewing order – as I’ve found new ways to present the information that I find really exciting – but it’s also a lot of work. And I’d like to finish a bit more, a lot more really, before showing friends. But not finishing this stuff is frustrating. It’s like there’s no payoff for all the work.
Aaron had gone to choir practice and I was so depressed I felt like cutting, honestly, which I suppose would have been ironic, since the scars on my wrists are from a suicide attempt 30 years ago today. I wasn’t thinking suicide though. But the idea of cutting popped up and I decided to combat that as best as I could. I shaved and showered. I ate. I had pita, hummus, nuts, lettuce and olives. Later I had a smoothie. I dressed. I danced. I danced alone in my apartment, which was fun. And I used the weights again. Later I decided to work on another viewing order that I knew I could finish in a short span of time and now there’s a viewing order for the Underworld franchise.
Aaron arrived home just as I started writing this. He had fallen and injured himself in the street. I’m concerned. I got him to take some Ibuprofen and asked he wanted to go to the clinic across the street. He wants to stay in tonight and if it’s bad tomorrow he’ll go, but he did take the ibuprofen.
Oh! I don’t think I mentioned this but the other day I updated my NSFW Photo Collages with 6 more entries. And I think that’s all the news I have for now.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Dead Enough For Life”, a song by Norwegian electronic music band Icon of Coil, from their 2004 album “Machines Are Us”, which is one of the songs that I was dancing to earlier. It’s on a playlist I often listen to when I walk and I used to hear it at the club a lot.