The ways in which my diet has drastically changed in the last 5 months still astounds me, after smaller changes in the last 2 years. I used to have an ice cream shake every day. Sometimes (often) more than one. This is understandable, given that my stomach is partially paralyzed (and has been since August 13, 2001) and, well, that kind of cold, sweet desert, is helpful in such situations for all kinds of reasons that I don’t need to go into here. But I really don’t miss it at all. The smoothies I have instead, even though they’re quite basic compared to most people’s (I suspect), are packed with servings of fruit and vegetables. They’re also delicious and depending on my mood, often feature coffee. This morning I had a smoothie which contained cherries and zucchini. A short while later I snacked on a slice of Dave’s Killer Thin Sliced Good Seed bread (buttered and sprinkled with chia seeds), half a kiwi, a few pumpkin seeds, 3 or 4 plantain chips, a small sampling of nuts (peanuts, pecans, almonds, pistachios & cashews), roasted seaweed snacks (Seaweed, Sunflower Oil, Sea Salt), some green olives + 2 or 3 blue corn chips. That last item, which is very rare for me these days, would have been a main course in the past when I basically survived on chips, chocolate / candy and Boost protein drinks – oh, and lots of pizza. This morning, I drank water with these snacks. I liked fruit and veggies before, but I’ve never eaten them in such abundance or so consistently.
Also, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is heavily tied to food, or the lack thereof. When I was a kid, I suffered horrible experiences and I stopped eating. I never again sat at the kitchen table with my family and had a meal with them. I was 4 or 5. When my step-father married my mother, not knowing what I had suffered, he insisted I eat with them and I refused. He told me I would eat with them or not at all. 3 weeks later he took me to McDonalds and I gladly wolfed down my fries there. My not eating was a silent cry for help, which nobody ever answered. And now I’m answering the call, for myself, for the child I was then, who is still very much alive inside of me. I’m doing much better at that now, but it is something I’ve been struggling to do for 20 years, realizing that I could feed him back in 2006, I did my best but there were a lot of failures along the way. I keep him in my thoughts and touch base with him, almost like he’s another person, because when I don’t, and that broken circuit connects at random, it can be so overwhelming. I used to black out and wake up other places, not knowing how I got there. I had a lot of memory loss. I used to self harm as a coping strategy, which I have mostly gotten rid of. I say mostly because the urge still sometimes returns, though I don’t actually remember the last time I cut myself. It used to be daily. When I moved to New York, the first goal I designated for myself with my new therapist was that I wanted to find other ways to cope. I’ve never liked the idea of removing cutting from the list of coping skills that I’ve acquired – because as damaging as it obviously is, it has also been effective at keeping me alive – but my goal was to find new ways to deal, so that cutting wasn’t my go-to-strategy. I wanted options. And I worked at it. And I found them. And those new skills became a kind of muscle memory that I do without even thinking about it most times. And the urge to cut is now so low on the list of things I can do that it seldom even enters my brain, for which I’m grateful. I’m proud of the work I’ve done on that over the years, and like the change in eating, it feels like something I’ve earned, so it’s very satisfying to see these changes bearing fruit – that I would probably put in a smoothie these days! lol
So after writing all that I wrote a new poem, which can hardly be a surprise. Which is actually a really good example of how I touch base with and assure Little Jason.
I worked on what will eventually be a Doctor Whoniverse order (featuring the various spin-offs and the Big Finish audios) but it’s got a long way to go, and I’m starting to yawn a lot, so I think I’m going to try to get that extra sleep in now.
This morning’s journal entry title song quote is from “In This Twilight” by Nine Inch Nails from the 2007 concept album “Year Zero”. I used to have lyrics from the song, which I found comforting and inspiring, on my bedroom ceiling.
