I tried to get back to sleep Sunday morning (10-25-26). We like it cool when we sleep but in winter it can get very cold in our bedroom so I use a few blankets, always using this one that my mother crocheted for me. My mother died a little over 5 years ago, so it means a lot to me.
I took Aaron to his treatment. I get bored waiting for hours, but I’ve been enjoying the drive home. Driving into the city this time was…an experience. New Yorkers have this thing where the lanes on the roads seem to be only suggestions. It’s a little stressful, but not as bad as I expected it to be. Aaron says I’m his hero for going to these appointments with him and giving him the rides home as these are not activities that are easy for me. It’s nice that recognizes and acknowledges this. I need some days where I don’t need to worry about anything like this, really consecutive days, because I have to go to bed very early to be up in the morning for these things and I’m wearing a bit thin on that front. I just need to find a balance. I only have so much energy in a single day due to my disability, and I had been doing really well with exercise and I need time and space for that which has been lagging of late. I’ll try to work that out with Aaron.
I was worn out from that little trip. Like I said, I only have so much energy to spend and these appointments involve driving for an hour, then me sitting in a waiting room for about 2.5 / 3 hours, and then me driving us home. It’s a lot, even though I’m not very active during these sessions, but that’s part of my frustration. I watched quite a bit of television. I watched more SVU, started re-watching AHS (with “Freak Show”, due my new viewing order – I watched the first 1.5 episodes), and I also watched another Avatar episode (S01E09 “The Waterbending Scroll”). I went to bed early again last night because I needed to be up early today for my own appointment.
This morning, Monday, October 26, I caught the A train at 181st and took it down to Penn Station (34th). Exiting the subway my immediate view was of the distant Empire State Building, then I walked by Madison Square Garden. This new appointment was in the same building as my anal pap, but this was a totally different doctor. Today I finally saw an endocrinologist. It only took 3 or 4 years. lol I did try to get in sooner, but there are a whole series of unforeseen hurdles and unexpected delays. My doctor was nice and informative and so now I have another member of my care team, which is extensive, for which I’m grateful.
When I got home, I ate. I had egg whites + a blueberry zucchini smoothie. I changed my clothes. I started a new poem when I was a the doctor’s office, which I finished. Then I went for a walk, stopping by to see Aaron visiting with his former coworker, said hi, then I was off to the park.
I showered when I got home. I had walked my usual 2 miles, plus today’s appointment, and I’d eaten well. I felt good. I relaxed with some Zelda (BOTW). Then decided I’d post this.
Oh! The nurse at the doctor’s office asked me if I was in the fashion industry, and when I went to the park, a woman stopped me to tell me how much she loved my pants. That was nice.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “lovely.” by queer synth pop artist and producer Gregory Dillon, from his 2020 EP “Sad Magic”. I’ve curated a large collection of LGBTQ+ inclusive / themed music and I stumbled on Dillon’s work a few years ago. I love this song.
Aaron went out last night (Friday, 10-16-26) with our friend Nick. I stayed in and played Zelda, while watching a couple episodes of “Avatar: The Last Airbender” (Season 1) & “Law & Order: SVU” (Season 23). I went to bed around 11 and woke up at 4 (Saturday, 10-17-26), but quickly went back to sleep. We slept in together and cuddled late into the morning. We were thinking of going to the Botanical Gardens today but the weather didn’t support it and neither of us felt great. I played more of my game and watched some more stuff. I wasn’t very active but I ate better. I’ve been eating chips again, but I’m out now and I’m not planning on getting more soon. Instead I ate a variety of healthier options: hummus, lettuce, zucchini, blueberries, cashews, pecans, some pita bread, and a thing slice of fiber rich bread with butter and chia seeds. I’ve had a protein drink, but I’ve mostly had water today. Later I went to Starbucks (wanting to get outside) and got my now usual spinach feta wrap.
I just set up a page to display my old bedroom collages, but I’m tired and probably won’t finish them tonight. I actually think I’m going to get ready for bed. I have less than 50 pages left in my book, so I should be finishing that this week.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Night” by English musician Gary Numan, from his 1997 thirteenth solo studio album, “Exile”. The album followed a loose concept, namely that, rather than being opposites, God and the Devil were two sides of the same coin. Each track reflected some aspect of this premise.
I accompanied Aaron to his appointment yesterday (Tuesday, 10-13-26), which went well. Driving us home I was supposed to stop somewhere so he could do the driving in the city (which I’ve never done and find terrifying), but I ended up driving us through the Bronx and into Manhattan! It was stressful, but we were able to switch over before things got too nightmarish. I can’t handle when people are double parked on both sides of a street, and there’s always a lot of that.
I took a nap when we got home so I could be awake for “VisionQuest”. I watched another episode of “Avatar: The Last Airbender” (S01E04 “The Warriors of Kyoshi”), which I enjoyed. And later when I saw “VisionQuest”…it took me a little longer to get into it than I was expecting, in part due to its reliance on footage from previous stories, but once it started relying more on new stuff, I was in. I gasped in surprise several times. I laughed and I cried. I found the timeline a bit confusing, but I think what it’s saying is that it is set very late in 2028, later than “Spider-Man: Brand New Day” but before “Avengers: Doomsday”. We’ll see if that’s confirmed.
Late 2023: WandaVision Late 2024: Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness Late 2026: Agatha All Along Late 2028: VisionQuest
I couldn’t write any of this down last night because I had a visual migraine and had to go to bed, but I slept well. I cuddled with Aaron this morning and then we showered together. I uploaded 6 new pieces to the NSFW Photo Collages.
I actually still have the migraine. It’s been on and off for a few days. But that’s pretty normal for me. What isn’t normal, is this long stretch without them. I’m not complaining! lol It’s just interesting.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Hustler” by bisexual Australian singer / songwriter Josef Salvat, from his 2015 debut studio album, “Night Swim”.
Sunday (10-11-26) there was a huge storm, with flood warnings for much of Manhattan. I was still having trouble eating and I wasn’t sure why. Aaron and I were talking and I remembered that when we watched Season 3 of “Heartstopper” a few months ago, that the disordered eating scenes hit me really hard but I couldn’t remember why. I later looked up what I wrote about it in my blog at the time, and I read that to Aaron. He commented that he loved my writing, which is something he’s told me many times, but it somehow always surprises me. Later, remembering how I would starve as a child until I felt safe, I realized that this was the problem. There’s an ongoing conversation between me as I am now, and my childhood self. It began in 2006, and has continued over the years as it has proven useful to me, but every now and again I lose sight of this, and it always ends badly when I do. I realized I had not fed my childhood self in a long while, which is to say that when I changed my diet this year I had assured him that this wasn’t a problem and that we weren’t excluding foods that made him feel safe, even if I was eating them less often. I let him know I was going to get him some food he could eat and I started relaxing almost instantly – even as the conversation continued. I calmed him down. I got him what he needed. And things improved drastically. I walked through the heavy rainfall to Starbucks for me, and to the grocery store to get him some chips. That probably sounds crazy, but it’s effective. Nobody took notice of him when I was a kid, when I was him, and so I look after him. Aaron says it sounds like I’m parenting him, and I suppose that’s true.
Lately, things have been really rough. A lot of stress has been coming my way. And a lot of different triggers. I think I’ve managed most of these problems successfully. But I’m just noting that things haven’t been this rough in a long time. I’ve started taking Xanax again, a bit more often than I usually do. I used to take it every day, for years. But I learned other coping skills and those are usually enough. I keep a prescription open and I do use it when I need it, but I’ve needed it more lately. I’m glad that I have it and I feel I’m using it responsibly. I just need to pay a bit more attention to what is going on in my life to make this so much more difficult than it had been.
Oh. On Sunday I watched the first episode of “Avatar: Seven Havens”, which I enjoyed. The episode, plus 2 others, were released on Friday. I’ve only seen a few “Avatar: The Last Airbender” episodes, which I started a few years ago, but didn’t stick with it – even though I enjoyed it a lot. I decided to start over and watched the first 3 or 4 episodes, which again, I enjoyed. I’d really like to see more of his universe and I know it would mean a lot to my cousin Katie, who loves it. It’s not that it doesn’t interest me, but I feel like it’s increasingly difficult for me to stay focused on any one thing, which bothers me, but I kind of like the idea of watching the new series as it unfolds, while catching up on the older stuff. Hopefully I can stay focused on it. I mean, even with everything they’ve announced there’s less than 300 installments, and many of those won’t be available in the near future, so I have no excuse really. I’ll try.
I went to bed early, as I’ve been doing lately, and after reading a big chunk of “Magic’s Pawn”, I slept most of the night, getting up with Aaron after we cuddled for about an hour. Later, I realized that my therapy session, which I thought was on Wednesday is actually on tomorrow, when I need to be with Aaron for his therapy, so I had to move the appointment, which brought on more stress. I decided I needed to go for a walk, and it was about 72 degrees out, much warming than the day before, which had been in the high 50s. I walked to Fort Tryon Park, which is my goto, and as I sat on a park bench, “In This Life” by Madonna started playing on my LGBTQ+ Playlist – and this made me laugh as the first line of the song is “Sitting on a park bench”. My life has become a sad 1992 Madonna song. It came out in October too – I remember well, because it was was released around the same time as Anne Rice’s “The Tale of the Body Thief”, which I was reading. I headed home. I took a shower with Aaron and talked through some stuff with him which made us both feel better.
I weighed myself after the shower and I was shocked to see that I’d lost weight, despite wolfing down the chips I got for Little Jason the night before. I’ve basically lost 40 pounds since last year. That’s crazy.
They released the titles of all 8 episodes of VisionQuest today:
I love the the titles. The first is clearly tied to Ultron, who says the line in “Avengers: Age of Ultron”, while the second installment features a reference to the Ship of Theseus, also known as Theseus’s Paradox, which was the crux of an argument made by Hex Vision (in “WandaVision” S01E09 “The Series Finale”) that started White Vision on the journey that we will seemingly finally see in this new series. Very cool. Reviews are out now and while there are people that didn’t like it, they seem to not like it because it’s mired in M.C.U. continuity, but that’s one my favorite things, so I suspect I’ll enjoy it quite a lot. Reviewers who seem to dig the M.C.U. as much as I do seem to have loved it. The episodes are released at 9pm, which might be rough for me. I’ve been going to bed really early. But maybe I’ll get up early so I can watch them – or stay awake. We’ll see.
I’m already tired, and I have the beginnings of what could be a really bad migraine, so I’m going to get away from my computer, and I might take some painkiller. I’ve been hesitant to take any lately as I feel I was taking it too often, when often my pain either doesn’t improve from the meds, or often, if I just wait it out, it improves on its own. This feels different though, so I will treat it accordingly.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Jesus to a Child” by English singer / songwriter (and gay pop culture icon) George Michael, from his 1996 third solo studio album, “Older”. The song is a melancholic tribute to Michael’s late lover, Anselmo Feleppa, who died of AIDS related complications in 1993. George Michael was one one of my rare celebrity crushes and I wept for him when he died on Christmas day, 2016, nearly 10 years ago, at the age of 53. One of the odd vagaries of existence, is that if you live long enough, when others don’t, you can eventually be older than them. When he died I was 42, but next year, if I’m lucky enough to live that long, I too will be 53. It fucks with my head. I mean, if I live to be 54, I will be the one who is OLDER. So weird. So sad.
