Alec on the second floor – BALD JASON'S GAY GOTH BOY BLOG

When I saw my dietician on Wednesday, she gave me a mountain of new information to incorporate into my life. I was grateful. I told her I was, because although she communicated a lot of information that wasn’t always easy to hear, she did this with compassion and humor, with wit and with care. I have already tried several things she recommended, which have been emotionally complicated to say the least. But she gave me some worksheets with some notes and I sat down today to try to make sense of them. I asked Aaron questions as he’s quite educated on these topics and he loves me, so he’s very careful with what he says and how he presents things, but he’s also clearly excited to see that I’m considering these things in a healthier way than I ever have in the past.

We put in a grocery order, which features mostly healthy foods and several of which I’ve never tried before. And I’m thinking about meals in the day and what they need to accomplish, which isn’t really how I’ve done this sort of thing in the past. I did try a few times, in therapy, but figuring out this or that food and the ramifications of them really dragged me down. This feels different, but like an extension of the work I did there. I think I’m going to have an interesting conversation with my therapist this week.

I’m excited for the possibilities of my personal growth in these matters, but I also know that I’m going to need to practice what I’m learning. I don’t want to be complacent or to fail because I’m not paying enough attention. The part of me which has been trapped within the trauma of my childhood is paying attention and so far, he seems curious, even if he throws a tantrum now and again. I think he knows I’m trying to help him just much as I’m trying to help myself and that’s appreciated. It’s only when I ignore him that things get really bad.

I took care of some banking stuff. I’ve been handling my “banking stuff” for something like 10 years now? And off and on before that. But it used to be very stressful. And right now, it’s not. And that’s nice.

I bought a Xanadu shirt. It was on sale.

I also tried to write down what I need to accomplish at my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My doctors are awesome, which is why I see them, but I can really struggle with talking to them about the things that matter. It’s like my brain falls out of my head every time I go into those places. I’ve worked to overcome that, with some positive effect, but it’s still a struggle. Part of that work has involved preparation, like I’m doing now. Hopefully I can avoid any real trouble tomorrow and pave the way for more positive experiences in the near future.

I would like to speak to Jessica A. Gerson, PhD, about possibly joining one of her groups. She’s a psychologist who does group work, sometimes involving hypnosis, to help people dealing with G.I. disorders. Both my therapist and my G.I. doctor have separately recommended Dr. Gerson to me, which is kind of funny, because my G.I. doctor and my therapist are friends also. I like that they all know one another. They can also all see each others notes in my file, which is how I feel all medical teams should be – as they’re all treating me, I’d rather they have all the information to work with. I can’t make an appointment (or broach the subject) with Dr. Gerson today though because of office hours. I’d like to try to do so before my therapy appointment later this week, just so I can tell my therapist I did. I mean, I want to do it for myself, but I’m also aware that I’ve been talking to my therapist about it, off and on, for at least a year – and I had totally forgotten about it in recent weeks, even with my other doctor also recommending the treatment. I don’t want to lose this chance because I can’t focus on it.

I need to reapply for my Snap Benefits which I could do today. It has to be done by August and I do want to do it today but I also need to find time to eat and spend time with Aaron, and I also want to go for a real walk, as I haven’t done so in days. Actually yesterday marked the first day I didn’t go outside at all after 41 consecutive days going out. I was exhausted yesterday, barely sleeping the night before and I wanted to push through and go out but then our elevator was down again and I just thought, fuck off. Instead I got ready for bed and I slept very well. But I want to get outside today. I don’t want there to be a habit of not going out.

Also, I need to remember that I want to try to get in touch with Alec on the second floor. And Isaiah. And Christopher. Actually, Christopher spoke about me going to a bar with him this Tuesday. Maybe I can do that? We’ll see.

Today’s journal entry song quote comes from “Magic” by Olivia Newton-John from the soundtrack to the 1980 movie musical, “Xanadu”. My sister had this record when I was a kid, the 45. I could read the word Xanadu and assumed it was the company logo of the record company, somewhat ironically, given some of the subject matter in the film. I also thought the song was about my sister. I later caught the TV premiere of the film, by accident, and was shocked to learn that this was where the music came from. A few years later, when we had a VCR, I recorded it of television and it became a favorite of mine. I owned the soundtrack on cassette and CD. I have a digital copy. And though it’s become a somewhat iconic gay favorite, it feels very personal to me, and while I’m happy that others enjoy it, I think I would hate to see it in a theater where everyone was singing along to the film. But I feel the same way about the Rocky Horror Picture Show – which I’ve seen with the audience participation multiple times, but I knew then, that aside from seeing friends perform, I’d much rather see the film at home. And that’s really how I am now with movies in general.

I got outside on June 3. I walked about half way to the park and back and then around my block a few times while I spoke on the phone to Michael Slaughter. Probably less than a mile total, but I just wanted to get outside and I did. Mission accomplished.

^ Before the walk, after the walk (sweaty) and then after a shower.

I didn’t sleep well Wednesday night. I get in the phases where I don’t sleep a lot at once, often in 4 hour shifts, rather than 8. It’s not the temperature because we keep it cool in the bedroom, the way we like it. But for whatever reason that’s just what happens.

My sister Janice reached out. She’d been in a car accident with her son, Jordan. They’re both okay but she doesn’t have a car now, which is a problem.

On Thursday, June 4, several of the packages that I ordered the other day were scheduled to arrive. One of them was promised between 4 & 8am. I woke up around 6 and figured I’d stay up until the package arrived. Around 7:30 there was a message saying they’d tried to deliver it and failed. In order to get into our building they either need to be let in or we can buzz them in when they call our apartment. I had my phone and was awake so I didn’t miss any calls. About 20 minutes later it said that they had delivered it but, annoyingly, they’d left it on the floor downstairs. We have lockers there that delivery people can use because before we had the lockers packages were stolen constantly. I figured it was probably fine because it really had been like 20 minutes. I ran downstairs but it was “gone”. I contacted the Super and asked if the cameras there might have captured who took it because I had very specific times but it turns out they delivered it to the wrong address. The building behind ours (which is on Broadway, rather than Wadsworth) is also owned by our company and he could see that they’d left it on the floor in that building and he got it for me. So the problem they likely ran into is that we didn’t buzz them in because they were not calling our apartment but someone else’s. Anyways – I got everything. And later got more. So I got some fun shirts, lots of jewelry, some other accessories and 2 pairs of shoes – one of which fit. I’ll send the others back but I have another pair coming and might wait to see how those fit, because if they don’t I can probably send them back at the same time.

Later I went for another walk, intending to go the park, I realized I hadn’t brought anything for the squirrels. I also realized that I was starving, so I decided I’d go get pizza instead. On the way there though, I ran into an old Starbucks customer of mine, Gem Gor, who was also the neighbor of one of my coworkers, Crissida. Gem is always good for long and entertaining conversations and this was no different. I think I chatted with her for over an hour, and it was fun.

After I parted ways with Gem, I ordered my food, but ran into one my neighbors, Alec, who lives in our building, on the 2nd floor (like “Luka” from the Suzanne Vega song – although according to my neighbor, he’s less abused, which is good). He was doing his laundry at a laundromat and chilling outside. We spoke for at least 10 minutes but I begged out of the conversation to get my food. On my way to get the pizza I spotted this classic image of the open fire hydrant on the street, that you see in movies or TV but seldom see when living in the country as I did, growing up in rural Michigan. I got the pizza and headed home, but ran into Alec again as we approached our building. More good natured conversation followed. It was nice running into people that I knew in the neighborhood. It’s not usually like that for me. When I got home I had a couple of sliced and put the rest away. I finished an episode of Star Trek: Discovery; I’ve been slowly rewatching the series and I’m about half way through, I think. I got ready for bed and went to sleep around 9ish.

I woke up a few times, when Aaron joined me, and again around midnight. I got up, hungry. I had a snack, read the news, and now I’ll be getting ready to go back to bed. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at 1:30. And then later, I have a party to attend. Hopefully that all goes well.

And when I go out later today that will be 34 days in a row.

Today’s journal song quote if from the already referenced “Luka” by Suzanne Vega, from her 1987 album, Solitude Standing. The song, which is about child abuse, was based in part on a child that Vega had met / seen near where she lived who seemed to be apart from the other children; she used his distinctive name and his otherness, but the abuse was actually based on her own experiences, so she was able to talk about a subject that was very personal to her but without getting the attention for the topic that she didn’t want. The song tends to stick with you. When we first moved to New York, we were in a sublet on 173rd and we lived on the second floor. I would catch myself humming that song all the time.

Tag: Alec on the second floor

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