I was just told
he’s amazing in bed.
“Amazing hung fuck.”
were the words that he said…
But I never doubted:
in fact always knew…
Perhaps I have always
denied what is true.
For back in the then
years before I was here…
Way before Gay
had become so damned queer…
He said the worst things
but his lust was the truth…
We traded in barbs
but escaped without proof.
“You remind me of Adam…”
(who was absent then, luckily)
“Does that mean you hate me
or that you want to fuck me?”
I thought he might hit me
for the spark in his eyes…
A predator wounded
behind his disguise.
And I was so righteous;
he’d angered the slut…
I should have kissed him
to keep his mouth shut…
Well maybe not shut
while adjusting our lungs…
With no lies between
the thrusting of tongues.
Secrets of youth stand
to leave me here taunted…
Seven-teen years and
still I am haunted…
Did I loathe that man?
Did he truly loathe me?
Subtexting lust
through so·lil·o·quy.
Written by Jason Wright
October 24, 2017
For Joel
Back in the late 90s, my friend Karen Edwards got me to chat with her in a gay chat room at “gay.com”, which at the time hosted various chat rooms. There were rooms devoted to countries, states, cities – and interests. In our local chat we made a wide assortment of friends and I dated and / or hooked up with several men from there. There were many people that I never met though, who I only knew as a screen name. I think I stopped chatting there around 2011?
Back in the early days I had a romantic entanglement with Adam Gram. His screen name was GoddessSexyBoi, or something like that. It was on and off again, that relationship. We were never a couple exactly, but we cared enough to cry and have emotional conversations – and though we didn’t end up together for various reason, I cared about him. He later hooked up with another patron named Joel, screen name “Freedom” (I think). And directly after, Freedom became openly hostile toward Adam, which offended me. I defended him.
I later crossed paths with Freedom / Joel at a party (in 2000) – a meet in person party for gay dot com peeps. He was handsome. Attractive. But I still found his behavior toward Adam to be horrible so I resisted. At the club (which I only went to that once, as it was a bit out of my way) I flirted with a boy / girl couple, kissing both, and they were going to follow us to the afterparty (at Joel’s home) to hook up with me, but they never arrived, so I was disappointed. Joel drove us there and there was a lot of weird energy between us, which was hot but tinged with something I couldn’t name. At one point he said loudly for everyone to hear that I reminded him of Adam, to which I notoriously responded: “Does that mean that you hate me or that you want to fuck me?” – which silenced him, and seemed to shake him. I don’t think he ever spoke to me again.
Years later, in 2016 or 2017, I spoke to Adam Gram on the phone and this came up in conversation and Adam said he didn’t really care about how Joel had behaved because he was amazing in bed. lol Which made me see things a bit differently. Not long after the party in 2000, the bi couple reached out to me through e-mail to tell me that he seemed to lose them on purpose – which I wasn’t aware of, but in retrospect, I think he may have done because he didn’t want me to have sex with them. Maybe he just didn’t want them at his house? Or maybe he wanted me for himself? Who knows? There was a lot of drama back then. It seems stupid now. I should have just said what I wanted. Oh well. I don’t know Joel’s last name or I’d share this with him – not because I think it would change anything, but because I feel like writing about someone and not sharing it with them is a little cowardly. I hope he’s happy.