I’m still thrilled to be back in this space. Goth boy. But trying to decide all the things, coming up with solutions, mostly on my own, is exhausting. I’m traversing all these new obstacles that didn’t exist the first time I had a website, or if they did, I was blissfully ignorant. I had no idea that anyone would actually pay attention to my little piece of the internet or that anyone would care what I had to say or how much skin I showed, but they did. And I’m trying to get back to that freedom while also being responsible and considerate and mindful; respecting boundaries that I honestly never considered nearly 30 years ago when this journey began the first time. The growth I’m describing pleases me. But it’s far less easy than it was before. But I can do this.
I uploaded more collages to my gallery, more poetry and artwork. I added plugins to include music in my posts. I looked into some kind of age restriction for my site, though a lot of that information seems contradictory and I’m also not sure if I should age gate the whole thing or just my photographs? I mean, my writing is really fucking graphic…and I’m so fucking tired right now. I slept a little under 6 hours last night, but I’m used to more. My body wants me to sleep and I hopefully will soon, but I wanted to write this and take a shower to get the sunblock off of me.
Age restriction(s). Visitor counter(s). Perhaps a plugin to include Google Sheets / Google Docs? I also need to create pages for my non-poetry related writing and my viewing / reading orders, movie reviews, etc. But I probably won’t get to most of that until I have more of my poetry ported over, at least my writing from 2011 onward. And I’ll ask Mark about the website stuff that I don’t quite get. That’s a lot but it seems like something worth doing and something I can accomplish.
I was planning on watching the new episode of Daredevil: Born Again (S02E04 “Gloves Off”) tonight, but I’m just too tired. I’ll try to watch it tomorrow. Season 3 of Euphoria begins this Sunday. I was caught up by the time Season 2 ended but that was over 4 years ago, so I don’t remember it very clearly. Eric Dane’s Cal Jacobs will be featured, which will be odd since Dane passed away recently – and other cast members have died since the end of Season 2.
Oh! And the pain that Aaron was having that led us to the clinic yesterday is possibly to do with stress and was helped in part by a visit to his chiropractor. Aaron found another office that seems promising in our neighborhood and will given them a try on Friday or Saturday but his usual chiropractor is at 50th Street (Manhattan); this would be much closer. Hopefully he continues to improve. He and I have been together for about 14.5 years! Crazy.
Okay. I need to keep this short. I need to sleep. And I need that shower.
“Top Ten in the Charts of Pain”
Yesterday was productive. I got tons done on the new website. It’s fun and a bit of an obsession right now. It can be relaxing but I have to remind myself to step away from the computer and get other things done and to take breaks so that I don’t get totally burnt out.
I got away yesterday for a not-so-fun reason. Aaron was in pain and told me he was going to CityMD. I had just eaten so I needed to sit still for a little bit but soon dressed and joined him at the clinic, which is just across the road from us. They let me back to see him just as he was about to have an EKG, which appeared normal, but they instructed us to watch out for certain signs and if we see any of those we are heading to an emergency room. He’s taken the day off of work today.
Later I watched the first 2 episodes of the new Star Wars: Maul – Shadow Lord series. It’s a little slow, as this is a new beginning, but I enjoyed most of it. We know Maul of course, and we’ve met Rook Kast in passing, but most of the characters and the world is new, so I’m okay with it taking a little time to get going. I wish the entire series was available now, because I would have binged it over a couple of days. I’m curious to see where this goes…
My gripes are few. The new world, the planet Janix, looks so similar to Coruscant, that if I hadn’t been paying attention, I’d have thought that was the setting. It makes sense that Maul would be on a different world as he’s avoiding entanglements with the Empire, but most worlds in Star Wars look at least a little different, and this looks exactly the same. Maybe there were visual cues that I missed. I also didn’t like the ends of the episodes. The cliffhanger moments make you want to watch the next one, which is the point, but again, if this was released all at once I’d be happier with that model. And then the pace, as I said, is a bit slow at times – or, more accurately, the faster paced stuff often didn’t matter to me, because I didn’t feel very invested in most of the new characters. There are already signs that this will likely change fairly quickly, but for now it feels problematic; trailers and posters have revealed later appearances by several known characters that will likely help with this.
I think this might be great in time. I’ve been wanting to re-watch The Clone Wars for several years now, not having seen most of it in over a decade, and with The Bad Batch and the Star Wars: Tales shorts in place, this could all be a lot of fun. But I’m currently watching so much stuff that this will have to wait for now. Hopefully someday!
Later I also continued on with my first time through The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (S01E06 “Udûn”). I hadn’t watched any episodes in over a week and was worried I’d have lost interest again. I’ve tried twice before to get into this series but this time has been far more rewarding and I’m 2 episodes further than I’ve ever been. And this episode was fantastic, filled with multiple events that I had anticipated but had assumed would happen in the season finale but we still have 2 more episodes to go! There were also several surprises and my theories about this or that character are developing and changing with nearly every episode. I don’t know why it has taken me so long to get into this series but I’m really glad that I have. It’s also nice knowing that I have 10 more episodes as Season 2 aired over a year ago, and that Season 3 will include a time jump, which suggests that Season 2 will have an ending that won’t drive me crazy. I hope. lol
I only meant to stay up a little to see if I could update a few more items on my site but I ended up staying up past 4 am, listening to From the Choirgirl Hotel, the Tori Amos album released in May of 1998 and which I often listened to when building the first iteration of this website in the fall of that year. I eventually had to call it quits after working to exhaustion – and I knew I needed to sleep before my therapy appointment today. I slept for 6 hours. I had relatively intense dreams but they’re finally fading now. I woke with a migraine, which hasn’t happened much lately, for which I’m very grateful. I had a smoothie (with coffee) and took a small dose of pain medication.
“Not as long as yesterday. Yesterday was 24 hours.”
I slept well. I don’t remember the details of my dreams but I believe they were pleasant. Yesterday morning I had nightmares but I always do when I sleep without medication. I have an addiction to sleeping pills which I’m constantly struggling with, but if I don’t need them, I try not to use them, and for the first time in a long time I have extra pills in the bottle as a near the end of the month, rather than less, which sometimes happen due to my stomach rejecting things and having to take more.
I’m still jazzed about having a new website. I’m amazed I even have a journal to write in as I’ve gone years without doing so. I’m struggling a bit with finding a shape for everything that I want to see here, but it’s constructive. The world has changed so much. I have changed so much. So what works in Gothboy 2.0 will be different with what I ended up with the first time through, but I hope the heart of it still remains.
Speaking of which. I may eventually transport all my old blog entries here. I could do the same with Facebook, though it doesn’t sound like much fun to me. There’s so much work to be done, but I’m enjoying it for now. I suspect it will become tedious, but having everything in one place would be nice. And maybe I’ll be smarter about how I do that this time? We’ll see.
I wish there was a field to fill in what I’m listening to and what I’m watching and reading. My old blog had that but it was tied into Amazon. If someone clicked on what I displayed and purchased a copy I got a tiny bit of money. Often less than a dollar. And that was rare, but it was nice to have that info there. Maybe it would encourage me to finish a book now and again, which is something I’ve been struggling with for about a year.
I can’t believe this is real. I’m writing this and it will appear on my website. On gothboy. That was another life. I’ve not been able to post anything here of substance in something like 15 years? But it makes me so happy to be doing so now!
Gothboy 2.0: Go!
I’ve been meaning to get a new website up and running for ages. I tried multiple times. Aaron even hired this or that person to design one for me. There were consultations and discussions of payment, content, etc. but in the end everything failed.
Until now.
I’ve been working on transferring poetry and art from Facebook. I liked Facebook a lot in the beginning and it improved even further before it all went to shit. Politics. Drama. Censorship. But it’s become my main outlet and connection to so many people. I’m hoping to change that. And I also just desperately need something to pour my creative energy into, and this may be it. I’ve made so much progress in this last week. So much more than anything I’ve tried in years. It feels good.
April 4, 2026
“Things Like That Drive Me Out of My Mind”
I got Aaron to watch the 1997 film “The House of Yes” a long time ago. It’s a favorite of mine, based on the 1990 play “The House of Yes: A Suburban Jacobean Play”, by Wendy MacLeod.
Yesterday, knowing my love of the film, he took me to the Mannes School of Music to see a workshop of a new opera adaptation of the same work, which was a fascinating experience. The performers were students; they were all great. And I got to meet many of the creatives in passing. I also spoke briefly to the 2020 Pulitzer Prize winning Michael R. Jackson, who wrote the book, music, and lyrics for “A Strange Loop”, which I had loved when we saw it on Broadway – but I didn’t realize who he was until after we left. No. I talked to him about John Carpenter and the film “They Live”, which was on a shirt that he was wearing. lol
Years ago, also in part based on my love of “The House of Yes” but also my fanboy crush on Ewan, Aaron also took me to see “The Real Thing”, a play that then starred Ewan McGregor, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Cynthia Nixon and Josh Hamilton. I met them all briefly after the show and they were delightful; we got all their signatures on our poster – and I told Hamilton that I was a huge fan of “The House of Yes”, in which he played Marty – and thanked Ewan for “Velvet Goldmine”. <3
“It’s What We All Go Through…”
In the last 24 hours, I’ve had two close friends tell me that they hate how they look because they have aged. These people were not joking and these people, IMO, are also not unattractive. I don’t always think I look that great, but something I try to keep in mind is that when I look back on pictures where I thought I was ugly (most of my childhood) and in times when I thought I looked really terrible, I find that I was never as bad looking as I feared that I was. I’m sure some might disagree with my assessment, but I’m also keenly aware that we can’t please everyone and that trying to do so is a fool’s errand. Also, aging is a privilege. There are downsides, because there always are, but surely, for most people there are at least as many positives. Many people that I’ve known didn’t make it to 30, or 40, or 50. None of us have a guarantee for more time. That sometimes weighs on me, but I try to let it inspire me to be more active and to enjoy the time that I have, which isn’t always easy for me, but is definitely better than the alternative.
Brian, Rachel, Kevin and Jason
I spend a lot of time thinking about death. I’m fine. Really. But, if one is lucky enough to age, invariably, people you know will die. Sometimes it is expected. Sometimes it is surprising. But stuff comes up. Like, how I’m now older than people that I used to know, who were my elders. Omni. Kelli Parker. Aunt Shawn. Johnny Vaughn. Just a few. And boyfriends. I’ve now outlived 4 boyfriends. And many others that I flirted with and had wanted to date. And then there are the many, many celebrities, who I never met. Brandon Lee. Freddie Mercury. Judy Garland. Kurt Cobain. Michael Jackson. River Phoenix. Scott Weiland. Steve Mcqueen. Tupac Shakur. Whitney Houston. I could go on; probably for hours.
As I posted the other day, I found out on Friday, that my old friend Brian had died the week before. I met him on March 19, 1992, which was a very memorable morning for me. That same morning I also met a whole host of other interesting people, including Rachel Lynn Burleson Eanes. I could never remember her last name but in an odd conversation at the time, it came up that we both had the middle name Lynn and that we had the same birthday – only she was exactly 2 years younger than me, less than a month younger than Brian. This morning I realized I might use her middle name and birthdate to help me find her. Only she died on September 29, 2004. Fuck.
I used to keep a blog. And I wondered if there might be an entry for that day which could clue me into what I’d been up to, only to see that on September 29, 2004, I was attending the funeral of my friend Kevin Clark. I had only met him a year or two before but he’d been struggling with kidney issues for a very long time. He died on September 25, 2004.
Here’s what I wrote the day of his funeral:
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
I didn’t get much sleep last night, getting ready for Kevin’s funeral. The car ride was horrible, and my head still aches; but I just woke up from a dream in which Kevin survived, and the world was as it should be.
He was still in a hospital, but there were no terrifying machines to keep him alive, and Kevin’s Grandfather was there, playing with a baby, at the foot of the bed. Laurie, Mark & Mollie went out to take in the incredible view of the mountains, and Kevin said I looked sleepy. Kevin looked relaxed, healthy, but concerned about me. He pulled back the sheets and invited me to lay down in his enormous, comfortable looking bed, and I cuddled in and he laughed.
It was like one of the hugs we’d given each other in these final weeks, given in a hospital bed, only this one was under the best of circumstances, and made us both smile. Phil was there too; also playing with the baby, and he agreed with Kevin that it was too hot for blankets; saying he almost melted when Mark & I took care of him at our condo last summer & that he’d almost drowned in sweat under all the blankets. Kevin laughed, & I woke up hugging my pillow, hearing Kevin’s laughter, and I thought: We never took care of Phil, did we? It didn’t hit me for a few seconds that Kevin was dead.
The dream was comforting, and it was painful to wake up from; because Kevin isn’t in this world any longer, which made me cry. The first time I’ve cried about Kevin’s death. I was prepared for it, and it seemed like the best thing for Kevin at the end. I didn’t cry at the funeral home, because Kevin wasn’t there; his body lay in the coffin, but I couldn’t believe it was him; Kevin never sat that still. And I’d told several jokes to make my friends smile while we were there, and the thing pretending to be Kevin just lay there, which was the real tip off; Kevin always laughed at my jokes; never misinterpreting them as anything more than my own way of dealing.
I only saw Kevin in person, something like 8 times; and the last few of those visits was in a hospital room within walking distance of my condo. I always made sure to hug him, and be direct, and try to make him smile.
Monday May 20th, 2004, the last time I saw him, Mark & I told him we would bring him anything he needed; a laptop so he could write or check his email; a video camera if he wanted to record a message; or we could fly anyone in that he wanted to see a final time. We all knew that his chances for survival were slim, and I wanted to be clear about how cool I thought he was, and if there was anything he wanted in those final days, I wanted him to know that we could provide them. He said no to all of that; he said he was tired, and that he would soon be dead, or he would be better, and he would welcome both at this point. He told us to tell all his friends that he loved them. And then I hugged him goodbye, and I kissed him; the whole time worried that I was going to accidentally rip out some tube or device that was strapped on or into him; which again made him laugh in my ear when I whispered my concern, before he hugged me again even harder.
I hugged his Father goodbye too; amazed yet again by his family’s strength & support. People say that Kevin was a fighter, and he was. I’ve known so many others who were so opposite of him and I believe it has something to do with Kevin’s family and friends. His family was so loving & so supportive & so THERE, that Kevin was gifted with a home in which he could grow to be such an amazing person; and we all reaped the rewards of that love. Every time I’ve hugged his family since I’ve met them; every time I’ve looked at them, I’ve silently thanked them for the environment they provided, which produced such a loving friend.
The end, right? Only it wasn’t. Kevin e-mailed me the next day. I don’t know how he got to a computer; or why he changed his mind. I had written him some email in the past; 3 or 4 messages to find out how he was but he had never responded; he finally did, and this is what he wrote:
this you jayson?? i just a have a shprt time, checking adressess
tanks for all youre help
love kkevin
I got to tell Kevin how I felt about him, & let him know how much I cared, and that I would do anything I could for him. I got to hug him goodbye, and he hugged me too, his grip was so strong though his body was so frail. I guess I haven’t been feeling sad so much as lucky, that I knew him at all, and that when his time came, we had those moments, and this goodbye, and the circle was complete.
And now I have this dream in my head of Kevin, happy & healthy, and making all his friends smile, and I choose to feel lucky for that as well.
The person who gave me directions to Kevin’s funeral, was Jason Lyons. I met him through the same circle of friends who had introduced me to Kevin. We hung out twice on our own, but never for long. I can’t remember if I ever asked him out, but I had wanted to – I do remember the timing was never right. When I met him, I knew he was kind and that he had great friends. But when I actually spoke to him, which took a long time because he was often very quiet around me, I knew he was something very special. We chatted online for hours. We spoke at a bar when we ran into each other there; he was on his own that time, and it was nice just being with him. We had very different tastes in music. lol But nobody’s perfect. Jason died on December 4, 2017. He was another one I found out about after the fact. Partially because while we had friends in common, I don’t think anyone realized we ever spoke. And partially just because I was pretty distant from everyone we did have in common. Geographically, at least.
Anyways, my mind searches for patterns, even when there aren’t any. But having lost Brian, I searched for Rachel. But Rachel died the day I was at Kevin’s funeral, by way of directions from Jason. And of the five of us I alone live to tell the tale. And that’s really fucking surreal.
Brian Lounsbery: July 24, 1976 – February 28, 2026 (49)
This is Brian. I met him on March 19, 1992. We were pretty close for about a year and then fell out of touch for several more. I called him on his birthday in (I think) 2003. We were friends on Facebook but never really talked on there. Just one of those people I see scroll across my feed. Our lives just seemed so far removed from one another. I saw his final post on February 27. Something about a car, which was pretty typical for him. I smiled and kept scrolling. He died on February 28. A heart attack, according to a tribute on his obituary. He would have been 50 in July.
I don’t have any photos of us together. I took some of him with another friend of ours in the fall of 1992 and I posted them here years ago. The photos above aren’t mine per say. One of his ex-gfs reached out to me many years ago (in late 2002) and these were her photos that she shared with me. I don’t know how to get in touch with her. The e-mail address I had then is long gone. I saved these at random and never bothered to do anything with them, so I’m sharing them now.
This is Brian William Lounsberry. Born July 24, 1976. I always remembered his birthday. I have lots of memories of him, which I have always been grateful for. We never fought. And though we fell out of touch, when I did know him, I loved him very much. I hope he was happy until the end, and that his soul is at peace.
Facebook Sucks
Today on Facebook, one of my movie reviews was reported and deleted despite me having no understanding as to why the review was cut. It hurt me. And I just don’t want to put up with it anymore. I’m hoping my new website can replace my less than satisfactory experiences there.