Author: Jason Wright

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“Remind Me What It Feels Like”

I’m trying to stay awake. I have stuff that I need / want to do that involves use of the TV, which Aaron uses on the weekends and evenings when he’s home, almost constantly. He plays a lot of video games and watches a lot of stuff to unwind. I could have used a smaller monitor but I haven’t wanted to. Plus, if the mood hits me, it’s easier for me to write when there aren’t a lot of distractions.

We had a good Saturday. We went to the NYC Botanical Gardens in the Bronx. It was our second visit; we’re members so we’re trying to go more often. I made the plans, which Aaron thanked me for. It was relaxing, fun and so very chill. We hold hands just about everywhere that we go but it has felt even more special of late given all the shit going on in our fucked up country. We went to the Orchid Show, which involved us being herded through a confined green house space, but everyone inside was lovely – except the people that worked there, who were needlessly rude, which everyone commented on. Later we walked around a bit then headed home. We didn’t try to see everything because, again, we plan on going more often.

When we got home we continued our “Re-Trek”. A couple of years ago now, we started watching all of Star Trek together in chronological order. We booked through Enterprise, Discovery and what exists of Strange New Worlds and we made short work of everything up to Star Trek: The Next Generation, but we’ve been dragging our feet for awhile now. Today we watched S03E03 “The Survivors”, which I don’t think I’d seen since it first aired in 1989. There was much that I didn’t remember, but I knew how it ended; likely because this story is retold a few times in Trek. I also remembered that Anne Ryan Haney played a character in it, though I wouldn’t have been able to tell you the actor’s name; I did know that it was the same actor from DS9’s “Dax” & the film “Mrs. Doubtfire”, both of which I love. The episode was okay. I’m much more familiar with the latter half of this season of TNG because I had everything from S03E13 “Deja Q” through Season 6 (?) recorded on VHS and I watched my favorite episodes multiple times. There are a couple of stories in Season 7 that I don’t think I’ve seen more than once or twice though, and not in decades.

I have mix playing which includes “In This Twilight” by Nine Inch Nails. I’ve always loved this song. When it was new I printed up the lyrics and included them in a collage (because, when I don’t I make collages?) – they were placed on my bedroom ceiling right above where I would lay my head.

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“Our Church is the Dancefloor; I Put My Faith in the Beat”

I wish there was a club nearby. I’d really like to go dancing, but I suppose I can do it in my apartment. The music is better here anyways.

Another mostly great day. Work on the website. I got outside to get some food. As I mentioned earlier, I watched the new Daredevil: Born Again episode and it being really good made my mood that much better. I had a brief but meaningful text exchange with Jennifer Clemente. Oh! And I spoke to my bio dad David Wright who was out to dinner with my sister Janice and my nephew Jordan, who I also spoke to briefly. I was working some stuff out so I couldn’t chat for long, but it was nice.

And then in another surprise, my other dad, Doug reached out on Facebook messenger. I’d not heard from in months. He doesn’t keep his phone on him so I don’t get to talk to him much, but it was nice hearing from him. I wish he’d reach out more often.

Anyways…I’m going to keep listening to my goth music playlist while I dance around the apartment and get ready for bed. lol It’s that kind of day.

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“I’m not seeking penance for what I’ve done, Father. I’m asking forgiveness, for what I’m about to do.”

I watched the latest episode of Daredevil: Born Again (S02E04 “Gloves Off”). This series for me has been extremely problematic. Subpar directing, special effects, a cobbled together feel that has just left me feeling a little underwhelmed. I’d heard reports from sources that I trust that the first 3 episodes this season were bad but that starting with episode 4 things improved drastically. I wasn’t sure I believed the last bit but they were right. At least about this episode.

This is the first really great episode of this series. It was fantastic in ways that previous episodes could have / should have been. The effects and direction were on point. The character dynamics which have been lacking (Matt / Karen) felt far more successful here. Everything seemed of a piece with no crazy editing. This was a such a pleasant surprise! More of this PLEASE! Again, I’ve heard that the final 4 episodes are all very good and someone told me that the finale is “fire” (in a good way) so I’m finally getting excited about this.

They also released a trailer and 2nd poster for the upcoming Punisher Special Presentation, “The Punisher: One Last Kill”, which looks good. I do hope the special explains where Frank has been and how he ends up in the upcoming Spider-Man movie.

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“A Storm Is Threatening…”

I worked on various webpage items for 4.5 hours. So many old pictures. So many old memories. But enough for now.

The sun is blazing through the windows.

So many Trump headlines. War. Threats of annihilation. I don’t have the energy to spare too much time thinking about it all but it’s always there in the back of my mind. I have the luxury of letting it live in that space.

Tired.

I’m going to see if I can fall asleep with some Aaron cuddles.

Wake me when it’s over.

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“A Penny For Your Thoughts…”

I went to bed around 9pm last night. I awoke at 2 am from dreams that I was rewatching a previously forgotten season of Doctor Who run by Steven Moffat which instead of the usual Christmas Special had featured 7 various specials that all seemed very far removed from one another but when viewed in their entirety formed a complete whole that illuminated and complimented each installment as part of the greater whole. It was both fascinating and annoying. When I woke Aaron wasn’t in bed. He likely accidentally woke me when he got up for a moment. I had a stomach cramp. I tried going back to sleep but soon realized this wouldn’t work, so I got up.

I started drinking smoothies about a month ago. For decades I’ve been eating ice cream on a nearly daily basis. My stomach is partially paralyzed and it is not uncommon for anything I consume to come back up. This began in August of 2001. Since then, ice cream has become a favorite because if it makes a second or third appearance, it is not sharp – it doesn’t hurt me. It is also often still cold and pleasant, which can not be said for many other foods. It made sense. But it was also not healthy. Now I drink smoothies which, when featuring the right ingredients, have all the benefits of ice cream but far less of the unhealthy elements. I compared the statistics and the changes were drastic. Far less sugar, sodium, cholesterol, but far more protein and fiber. And I’ve now been eating fruit every day for over a month. That’s pretty amazing.

Perhaps I should watch the new Daredevil, but I don’t feel quite awake enough for that. Perhaps in a while. Or maybe I’ll be tired enough, and comfortable enough to get back to sleep? Time will tell.

It’s 3 AM now. I will likely either work on my site for a bit or possibly a viewing order, which will end up here in future. Writing like this it seems strange that I went for so many years without doing so. I suppose my Facebook posts filled that void, but I didn’t always feel comfortable there and I suspect what I wrote was either self-edited or when seen in full, just more evidence that I never truly felt at home there.

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“So kiss me, my darling stay with me ’til morning”

I’m still thrilled to be back in this space. Goth boy. But trying to decide all the things, coming up with solutions, mostly on my own, is exhausting. I’m traversing all these new obstacles that didn’t exist the first time I had a website, or if they did, I was blissfully ignorant. I had no idea that anyone would actually pay attention to my little piece of the internet or that anyone would care what I had to say or how much skin I showed, but they did. And I’m trying to get back to that freedom while also being responsible and considerate and mindful; respecting boundaries that I honestly never considered nearly 30 years ago when this journey began the first time. The growth I’m describing pleases me. But it’s far less easy than it was before. But I can do this.

I uploaded more collages to my gallery, more poetry and artwork. I added plugins to include music in my posts. I looked into some kind of age restriction for my site, though a lot of that information seems contradictory and I’m also not sure if I should age gate the whole thing or just my photographs? I mean, my writing is really fucking graphic…and I’m so fucking tired right now. I slept a little under 6 hours last night, but I’m used to more. My body wants me to sleep and I hopefully will soon, but I wanted to write this and take a shower to get the sunblock off of me.

Age restriction(s). Visitor counter(s). Perhaps a plugin to include Google Sheets / Google Docs? I also need to create pages for my non-poetry related writing and my viewing / reading orders, movie reviews, etc. But I probably won’t get to most of that until I have more of my poetry ported over, at least my writing from 2011 onward. And I’ll ask Mark about the website stuff that I don’t quite get. That’s a lot but it seems like something worth doing and something I can accomplish.

I was planning on watching the new episode of Daredevil: Born Again (S02E04 “Gloves Off”) tonight, but I’m just too tired. I’ll try to watch it tomorrow. Season 3 of Euphoria begins this Sunday. I was caught up by the time Season 2 ended but that was over 4 years ago, so I don’t remember it very clearly. Eric Dane’s Cal Jacobs will be featured, which will be odd since Dane passed away recently – and other cast members have died since the end of Season 2.

Oh! And the pain that Aaron was having that led us to the clinic yesterday is possibly to do with stress and was helped in part by a visit to his chiropractor. Aaron found another office that seems promising in our neighborhood and will given them a try on Friday or Saturday but his usual chiropractor is at 50th Street (Manhattan); this would be much closer. Hopefully he continues to improve. He and I have been together for about 14.5 years! Crazy.

Okay. I need to keep this short. I need to sleep. And I need that shower.

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“Top Ten in the Charts of Pain”

Yesterday was productive. I got tons done on the new website. It’s fun and a bit of an obsession right now. It can be relaxing but I have to remind myself to step away from the computer and get other things done and to take breaks so that I don’t get totally burnt out.

I got away yesterday for a not-so-fun reason. Aaron was in pain and told me he was going to CityMD. I had just eaten so I needed to sit still for a little bit but soon dressed and joined him at the clinic, which is just across the road from us. They let me back to see him just as he was about to have an EKG, which appeared normal, but they instructed us to watch out for certain signs and if we see any of those we are heading to an emergency room. He’s taken the day off of work today.

A sort of animated Star Wars trilogy. The Bad Batch spins directly out of The Clone Wars and is followed soon after by the new Maul: Shadow Lord series.

Later I watched the first 2 episodes of the new Star Wars: Maul – Shadow Lord series. It’s a little slow, as this is a new beginning, but I enjoyed most of it. We know Maul of course, and we’ve met Rook Kast in passing, but most of the characters and the world is new, so I’m okay with it taking a little time to get going. I wish the entire series was available now, because I would have binged it over a couple of days. I’m curious to see where this goes…

My gripes are few. The new world, the planet Janix, looks so similar to Coruscant, that if I hadn’t been paying attention, I’d have thought that was the setting. It makes sense that Maul would be on a different world as he’s avoiding entanglements with the Empire, but most worlds in Star Wars look at least a little different, and this looks exactly the same. Maybe there were visual cues that I missed. I also didn’t like the ends of the episodes. The cliffhanger moments make you want to watch the next one, which is the point, but again, if this was released all at once I’d be happier with that model. And then the pace, as I said, is a bit slow at times – or, more accurately, the faster paced stuff often didn’t matter to me, because I didn’t feel very invested in most of the new characters. There are already signs that this will likely change fairly quickly, but for now it feels problematic; trailers and posters have revealed later appearances by several known characters that will likely help with this.

I think this might be great in time. I’ve been wanting to re-watch The Clone Wars for several years now, not having seen most of it in over a decade, and with The Bad Batch and the Star Wars: Tales shorts in place, this could all be a lot of fun. But I’m currently watching so much stuff that this will have to wait for now. Hopefully someday!

These promotional posters depict scenes from S01E06 “Udûn” – though I didn’t know that until last night.

Later I also continued on with my first time through The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (S01E06 “Udûn”). I hadn’t watched any episodes in over a week and was worried I’d have lost interest again. I’ve tried twice before to get into this series but this time has been far more rewarding and I’m 2 episodes further than I’ve ever been. And this episode was fantastic, filled with multiple events that I had anticipated but had assumed would happen in the season finale but we still have 2 more episodes to go! There were also several surprises and my theories about this or that character are developing and changing with nearly every episode. I don’t know why it has taken me so long to get into this series but I’m really glad that I have. It’s also nice knowing that I have 10 more episodes as Season 2 aired over a year ago, and that Season 3 will include a time jump, which suggests that Season 2 will have an ending that won’t drive me crazy. I hope. lol

I only meant to stay up a little to see if I could update a few more items on my site but I ended up staying up past 4 am, listening to From the Choirgirl Hotel, the Tori Amos album released in May of 1998 and which I often listened to when building the first iteration of this website in the fall of that year. I eventually had to call it quits after working to exhaustion – and I knew I needed to sleep before my therapy appointment today. I slept for 6 hours. I had relatively intense dreams but they’re finally fading now. I woke with a migraine, which hasn’t happened much lately, for which I’m very grateful. I had a smoothie (with coffee) and took a small dose of pain medication.

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“Not as long as yesterday. Yesterday was 24 hours.”

I slept well. I don’t remember the details of my dreams but I believe they were pleasant. Yesterday morning I had nightmares but I always do when I sleep without medication. I have an addiction to sleeping pills which I’m constantly struggling with, but if I don’t need them, I try not to use them, and for the first time in a long time I have extra pills in the bottle as a near the end of the month, rather than less, which sometimes happen due to my stomach rejecting things and having to take more.

I’m still jazzed about having a new website. I’m amazed I even have a journal to write in as I’ve gone years without doing so. I’m struggling a bit with finding a shape for everything that I want to see here, but it’s constructive. The world has changed so much. I have changed so much. So what works in Gothboy 2.0 will be different with what I ended up with the first time through, but I hope the heart of it still remains.

Speaking of which. I may eventually transport all my old blog entries here. I could do the same with Facebook, though it doesn’t sound like much fun to me. There’s so much work to be done, but I’m enjoying it for now. I suspect it will become tedious, but having everything in one place would be nice. And maybe I’ll be smarter about how I do that this time? We’ll see.

I wish there was a field to fill in what I’m listening to and what I’m watching and reading. My old blog had that but it was tied into Amazon. If someone clicked on what I displayed and purchased a copy I got a tiny bit of money. Often less than a dollar. And that was rare, but it was nice to have that info there. Maybe it would encourage me to finish a book now and again, which is something I’ve been struggling with for about a year.

I can’t believe this is real. I’m writing this and it will appear on my website. On gothboy. That was another life. I’ve not been able to post anything here of substance in something like 15 years? But it makes me so happy to be doing so now!

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Gothboy 2.0: Go!

I’ve been meaning to get a new website up and running for ages. I tried multiple times. Aaron even hired this or that person to design one for me. There were consultations and discussions of payment, content, etc. but in the end everything failed.

Until now.

I’ve been working on transferring poetry and art from Facebook. I liked Facebook a lot in the beginning and it improved even further before it all went to shit. Politics. Drama. Censorship. But it’s become my main outlet and connection to so many people. I’m hoping to change that. And I also just desperately need something to pour my creative energy into, and this may be it. I’ve made so much progress in this last week. So much more than anything I’ve tried in years. It feels good.

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