I spoke to my grandmother and Mark Adams before bed. Mark hasn’t seen the Daredevil finale because he’s had a horrible week with his dog, Foxy. The dog ate something (bag ties?) which meant several trips to the vet, medication, and $1500 in bills. Yikes!
I slept well. I woke up with a headache (it was raining), took some pain killer then went back to cuddle with Aaron. When he got up he got my cold water bottle that I keep in the refrigerator; I use that on my neck when I have a migraine and I put it under my lower back when I have lower back pain. It’s free (minus the cost of the bottle) and it works wonders for me. I put it under my back and relaxed for a bit. I got up. Decided on a course of action for my website (which I won’t be able to implement today due to our trip) and then had a smoothie and got ready to go: showering / shaving, sunblock, makeup, jewelry and clothes – plus prepping the bag I’m taking. I think that’s all sorted, + I planned for a small food break on the way. Everything seems to be going well. And I called to have one of medications filled. I won’t get it until Monday but ordering it now ensures that I can order it earlier next month which could be crunch time, so better safe than sorry.
We have to leave in about a half hour. I might wear a different labret piece but I’m not sure. My eyes are watering a lot and I’m not sure why. I need to make some notes about upcoming appointments and get a new prescription for a medication but otherwise I think I’m ready to go.
This song was featured in the end credits of a movie I saw once, “Always Say Yes” / “Siempre sí” and it has been featured on many of my playlists since then.
Coming back into our building after walking to Staples. 05-08-26.
I had another productive day. No cleaning, but I did upload about 40 poems and got a massive amount finished on the Marvel Multiverse viewing order (draft) which will one day be living here. I also got outside again. That’s 6 days in a row. I hadn’t been out 5 days in a row in months (at the very least) but 6 days seems like a miracle and I have plans to head to Pennsylvania with Aaron tomorrow, so hopefully that all goes well and I’m outside again. It means a lot to me, but I also feel a little embarrassed that my life has gotten so insular that this feels like such a huge win. But it is!
Pretty flower bed with only a little bit of trash in it. 05-08-26.
They released some more promotional art for this Tuesday’s Punisher Special Presentation, which of course I used in a collage, because when don’t I?
The “One Last Kill” banner was released today. I combined it with posters of Frank’s previous appearances in “Daredevil: Season 2”, Seasons 1 & 2 “The Punisher” & Season 1 of “Daredevil: Born Again”.
As far as food goes, I had a bit that wasn’t so great. I mean, I had junk food. I had chips. And later I had some garlic bread with chia seeds. But I also had 2 smoothies. I also drank a lot of water, which I also had yesterday. Tomorrow food will be…interesting, and possibly challenging as I’ll be a in a group of mostly strangers. I’ll probably have a smoothie before we leave but Aaron has seen to it that we’re going out for Italian food after and there’s a Pizza Margherita where we’re going and I usually do pretty well with those. Thanks Aaron! He scoped all the options out in advance. I just thanked him out loud and gave him a kiss.
I’m very tired. But I’ve been awake since about 3am. I will likely at least get ready for bed soon. I want to try calling Mark Adams first though. We’ve not spoken in a few days and I want to hear his thoughts on Daredevil.
I got quite a lot done on my Multiverse Saga draft for this place. Then I noticed that our home was verging on cluttered again, and started to clean. I cleaned the living room and the office, and then I started cleaning the bedroom, which I didn’t think to take before pictures of, but trust me, it looks so much better. I think I threw away 20 bags of things that will never fit me again if I’m lucky. I know that I’ve said that I want to lose weight, but much of this was stuff I saved from when I was thinner than was healthy for me to be, which I hope to avoid in future. Again, I’m trying to find balance.
After I finished with the living room and office I had a salad. 05-07-26.
I ate relatively well. I had some less balanced meals towards the end (a slice of pizza with chia seeds and then some chips) but earlier in the day I had a salad and later some kiwi. When I cleaned the bedroom I did hold onto a few pieces that have sentimental value – even as I threw out many, many more things that I’ve felt too attached to, to let go of in the past. The only thing that I really struggled with is this purple shirt, which an ex-bf left in my bedroom the last time I saw him before he joined the military. He’s alive, as far as I know. I mean, I’ve seen him since then, but he was a dick then and a dick much later on, which is why we’re not in touch. But when he left that first time I was in love with him, and I held onto this shirt for a long time because it smelled like him. It doesn’t anymore and I can see this past relationship more clearly now, but the memory of needing that shirt with me at the time, it lingers, and no matter how much I tell myself that this is stupid, and I should let it go, I haven’t been able to yet. But everything else I either outright wanted or just plainly didn’t need anymore.
Bedroom clean. You couldn’t see the floor near my closet when I started and there were so many clothes that they didn’t fit in said closet. The rack on the back of the door was also full, as was my night stand.
After all that I showered. Then I got dressed and took a fast walk around the block. It’s not far. But the point of doing it is to move and also to get outside, which has been challenging for me for about 6 years now. But this marked 5 consecutive days that I’ve gotten out, mostly of my own volition, and even when Aaron gave me a ride or something, I headed out on my own to other places. This is actual progress. I’ve not been out 5 consecutive days in…a very long time. So that felt good.
A poorly thought out photo that I snapped while waiting for the elevator. 05-07-26
Later still, some clothes that I ordered recently arrived. New underwear and socks. New boots. And 2 pairs of shorts. There’s more on the way. And I didn’t take pictures of the underwear / socks, even though those are cute too. I keep trying to get myself to buy more clothes, but I hate shopping. Oh – and everything fits!
Travis’s purple shirt. The new shorts and boots. 05-07-26.
I’m winding down now. getting ready for bed. I like going to bed early. Very early or very late. I guess I’m extreme? I’d like to get more work done on my site. I’d also like to order those clothes. And maybe see about seeing a specialist for a problem I’ve been struggling with for decades, but that last part might require Aaron’s assistance. I’m getting a lot better at being more independent, but sometimes I need help, and that’s okay. I mean, I did all the heavy lifting myself today!
Oh. And I read more of my Star Trek book, which is slowly taking shape. But just as has happened many times in my life before, I was tempted today to start a whole new series, which I’m trying to resist. I’d really like to finish a book. I used to do this quite often, but in the last few years, holding my attention has been pretty difficult. I was reading the Wicked Years and the spin-offs but when the author announced more were on the way, I stopped. I’ve not finished a book since. I think that was in 2024 but it may have been 2025. I don’t know.
Okay. I’m starting to get my thoughts jumbled which means I really should go to bed now.
I had a rough evening yesterday. I was already a little sad when I wrote yesterday but I wasn’t sure why. I had listened to the new Tori Amos album. Later, in the shower, I realized that Sean Mobley would never hear this album, despite him enjoying her music even more than I do and it hit so hard that I wept, which I don’t often do when I think about Sean. I get a little down sometimes when I think about him, but I seldom shed tears. I’m not sure why. But I was exhausted. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed early, frustrated that I didn’t feel up to expressing what was happening. I spoke to my sister Janice on the phone and then called Grandma for a quick goodnight.
Around then my sleeping pill kicked in and everything is a blur, but I appear to have eaten a bit, which annoys me. I don’t remember what happened and that always bugs me, but I did sleep very well. When I woke up around 5am I came out to the office and wrote a poem about Sean and the new Tori album. This is the first poem that I’ve written since creating the website and having a place for it to go without posting it on Facebook, which feels good. I might share this with Sean’s mother. She’s always been very supportive of me.
One of the things that Janice and I discussed last night was death. Death and our mother. Dreams we have of her. When Janice dreams about her she knows in the dreams that mom is gone, but in my dreams I don’t usually know. She’s also usually not the focus of whatever dreams she appears in. Janice says she also dreams about our grandfather quite often, but I don’t think I do at all. He died a year ago this month.
I listened to more Tori and worked on organizing the photos I’ve used in the collages in the my photos section to help prevent me from reusing the same photos when the whole point is to contrast old and new with everything given a new spin. I should have been doing this all along but I wasn’t sure how I wanted to go about it and I’m still not sure that what I’m doing is the best, but it will do for now.
I went back to bed for some Aaron cuddles but I was feeling restless and left after about 40 minutes. I’m hungry and should eat soon, but I’m not sure what I’m going to have. I’m just hoping for a productive day. And if I can get outside that will be 5 days in a row. It’s very sunny out right now, which is an improvement on yesterday’s overcast sky. It should be about 65, which isn’t bad.
I finally break down as I listen to her designedly drowned in dimes and volkswagens…
I finally get down In (these) Times of Dragons.
I’ve kissed and I’ve thought of the old wrongs renewed…
I’ve listened a lot to the old songs he knew…
We SPARK to prolong what will never appear…
It’s dark to hear songs that he won’t ever hear.
Written by Jason Wright May 7, 2026
For Sean – who would have loved the new Tori Amos album.
* * * * *
I listened to the new songs 6 days after the release of “In Times of Dragons” and I thought I was fine, but then I thought of Sean never getting to hear this and I wept in the shower. Aaron noticed I was sad but I was tired and unable to talk about it. I’ll explain it later. If I could give Sean this album I would. But I can’t, and that hurts. – Jason
I did go back for more Aaron cuddles. Lots of Aaron cuddles. We showered together. I shaved and got ready. I was finally able to get my old earrings in, which felt like a small victory after failing to do so for several months. I wanted to get outside and so I walked to Starbucks. I used to go to Starbucks constantly but it’s pretty rare now. I used to work at this particular store, from October 2012 – September 2014? Something like that. So long ago now. I got a single shot of espresso. I usually get a doppio with cold soy milk and 3 pumps of peppermint, so this was way less sugar, fat and caffeine.
I really do want to lose weight. There’s a struggle between eating healthy and feeding what I think of as “Little Jason”, the food related PTSD child me who is prone to sweets but also to starving. I’ve struggled for so long to feed him and get him eating so it’s strange for both of us to be moving in the other direction, and to try to keep us fed while eating smarter. It’s definitely a learning experience. Today I’ve had a cherry smoothie, some cauliflower & broccoli, and I had my first golden kiwi, which I liked a lot. I have 3 more of those. I will likely break down and have something more filling later, but I do like that I’ve been having healthier choices. I’m doing good work here, I think. Aaron agrees but I need to be my own cheerleader on this stuff and that’s easier at times and harder at others.
Oh. And there were like 50 pictures on my digital camera that I took a few weeks ago, on April 14, which I had totally forgotten about. I’m so clueless sometimes. But that was a nice surprise. Some of them are quite fun. lol
I feel a little sad. I’m not sure why.
I found this song at random on Amazon Music one night. It seems appropriate. I feel like I’m flying up there myself at the moment and I could fall but I what else am I going to do?
I slept close to 7 hours, never waking. Not even when Aaron got home and joined me. I woke about 4:30. I got up, made a smoothie, and watched the season finale to Daredevil: Born Again (S02E08 “The Southern Cross”) which mostly fulfilled my expectations, sometimes exceeding them. Bullseye was the breakout character for me, although there were other greats as well and a lot of payoffs in these last 5 episodes, which were all drastically better than the first 12 – hopefully next season will be more like these episodes. I do think that the season ends just before “Thunderbolts*” but I’m unclear when next week’s Punisher Special, “One Last Kill” will be set and I’m eager to find out. I’m also curious to see if “Spider-Man: Brand New Day” ties into anything. I mean, we know that Frank Castle is in that movie, but in the trailer we also saw Spider-Man fighting The Hand in what seemed like a prison. Could he be defending Matt Murdock? That would be cool, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions. The Punisher Special will be out on Tuesday, May 12.
My migraine is much better than when I went to sleep. I don’t want to say that it’s gone, although the pain is mostly removed for the moment. These cluster migraines linger and then hit me really hard when I least expect it. But maybe today will be different? They eventually do go away, so maybe that will be today. I’ll know soon enough.
Part of me would like to go back to bed to cuddle with Aaron, but I’m a little afraid I’ll fall asleep again and not get up fast enough to enjoy the morning. I could probably get some work done here before the office gets too bright and noisy. I need to ask Aaron how his appointments went yesterday. He said he was going to a doctor’s appointment, then working from his office before choir practice. Hopefully everything went well. I missed a call from him around 7 but there was no voicemail and when I returned the call he didn’t answer. I’m sure it was nothing.
I have this VAST song playing in my head. I made a music video for it 26, 27 years ago with two crappy vcrs and a stereo. It mixed the song with religious imagery from the Hellraiser films, Stigmata, The Exorcist and others. It was cool. I still have a VHS copy somewhere, if it still works, I should transfer it and see if I can post it – though I don’t have the rights to the images or music, obviously.
I went for a relatively brief walk, but I did get outside, which was the goal. And walking a few blocks is better than not walking any at all, which is what I would have been doing otherwise. I would have gone further but there was something in my boot, which was hurting my foot and it was much more windy than I expected and I quickly got something in my eye! But that’s 3 days out in a row. Tomorrow might be difficult as the forecast says rain, but I’ll try anyways.
When I got home I took some pictures. I constantly need more pictures, which this place helps keep me on top of. I’m hungry. I’ll have something. I’m trying to lose weight. And I just weighed myself. The last time I was weighed I was at somewhere around 220lbs. I’ve lost 15 pounds since then! But I’m still so much heavier than I used to be. And while taking photos I tried to put on a leather shirt that my friend Paul gave me decades ago, but it didn’t even come close to fitting. It was always snug, even when I was at my thinnest, but it was shocking to see by how much I couldn’t close it! I know that I was unhealthy when I was thin, and that I’m probably better off now, but I’m keen to find the happy medium, where I’m thinner but still healthy. I think I’m doing the right things, having made so many little adjustments to my diet and obviously getting out more means moving more which means more exercise. So I’m probably doing very well actually. I know that I’m eating far less sugar and salt and fat, so this can only lead to happier results at my doctor appointments.
That I can think about these things without being triggered and freaking out also shows how far I’ve come. That inner terror has been closer to the surface but so far I’ve been able to fight it off. And that feels good too.
Though, here comes another migraine to make my day less pleasant. My medication will be shipped soon, so hopefully that helps. I wonder if this is because of the storm that it moving in? What does it matter? I think I have every migraine trigger known to exist! At least I excel at something! I guess I’ll get ready for bed. I can finish Daredevil tomorrow.
I did watch the season finale episode of Star Wars: Maul last night, S01E09 (“Chapter 9: Strange Allies”) and S01E10 (“Chapter 10: The Dark Lord”) which was mostly excellent. I found myself slightly less engaged than I feel I should have been, but in part I think that has to do with the way I’ve watched the series. This was meant to be binged and the release model didn’t do anything to support that. The only complaint I have is that Dryden Vos is noticeably not voiced by Paul Bettany, who played him in “Solo: A Star Wars Story”. Speaking of the latter film, this series is really putting the pieces together, from how Maul and Crimson Dawn were displayed in The Clone Wars vs. that film and I love that! It’s really cool. And I look forward to what future seasons will reveal about that journey and how else they might incorporate continuity there.
Speaking of Star Wars, Aaron mentioned that he got us tickets to see The Mandalorian and Grogu. Originally he got them for opening night but something came up and we’re now seeing it on Friday or Saturday; he told me because he wanted to know if this was okay with me and I assured him that was fine. I’m not concerned about spoilers with that story. The only movies where that’s a big deal for me are the Marvel movies. I really haven’t rewatched any of the post-ROTJ, Mando era TV so the movie will likely feel even more like a standalone movie for me. I expect I’ll re-watch it all someday, possibly after Season 2 of Ahsoka is available.
I went to bed around 4am. I slept 6 hours. I woke up, had a smoothie and joined Aaron in the office where I started working on my Star Wars viewing order on my website. Aaron had to leave for a doctor’s appointment and he’ll then work from his office downtown before choir practice, which means I’m on my own until he comes home. My aide is here until 6. The season finale for Daredevil: Born Again begins streaming at 9pm. I will likely try to get some more things done online and then get ready for a walk. It’s nearly 80 degrees today. It was only 60 when I went for my walk on Sunday.
I slept poorly this morning – or possibly too much, and I was super cranky all day. I felt like the migraine prevented me from doing all the things that I had wanted to do, which is a longer story but I was frustrated. Eventually I took this out on Aaron, which wasn’t fair – it was the last straw, as they say, and it was just not fun. And once I spoke up I couldn’t stop. This never helps. We fought.
I calmed down. I got my reviews for “Claire of the Moon” up. I apologized to Aaron via text. I had planned to join him at pool but I wasn’t sure he wanted me there. He later told me he did want me to join him. It took me over an hour to get ready.
About that. I have travelled all over the world in the last few years but when I’m home I very rarely go out, which I’ve been trying to overcome, for a long time now. Sometimes when I get ready to go I leave several times before I actually make it out. I change my clothes multiple times. It’s not every time, but it’s enough times that it is not a fluke. This was one of those nights. But I was determined to not let this conquer me, so I did get out, and I did make it to the train, and I did ride 20 stops down to 18th street (on the 1 train) to meet Aaron at Boxers on 20th. And I felt like this was good work for me.
Aaron, Ryan, Bishop & J at Boxers – May 4, 2026
At the bar I got to see Aaron’s team of course, but I spent most of my time chilling with these guys that are often there on Mondays. We took a group photo before we left. And Eddie, the captain of the team insisted on a picture as well, which we both like to do.
With Eddie Boyd at Boxers. Blurry but cute. May 4, 2026.
In the car, Aaron and I talked about our argument and if I didn’t feel better about it, I did after that chat. He also said he might have found someone for us to have a threesome with – which we haven’t done since 2018? That could be good. He and I have had two threesomes, which were both fantastic. And I need to be having more sex, with other people. This probably sounds weird, but it’s actually part of a treatment my doctors have suggested but which I’ve not followed through on, despite it being recommended more than a year ago. I have tried, but the plans always fall through and I haven’t been as gung ho about it as I should be, but part of that is the not getting out as much, that I’ve already mentioned, and another part of it has to do with AIDS Survivor Syndrome, which I recently wrote about in an essay. I’ve not been with anyone other than Aaron in almost 7 years and that one time was the only time I played without him – which I got permission for over a dozen times before it actually happened. It feels weird to talk about this but Aaron is very supportive of it and not threatened in the slightest, which is always a bit shocking no matter how many times we discuss it. And yet that’s part of why I feel so lucky to be with him.
I’m going to eat soon as I’ve barely had any food today. I will probably watch the season finale of Star Wars: Maul. Other than that, I’m not sure what I’ll get up to. The season finale of Daredevil: Born Again will be out tomorrow night.
