Returning to trains and to thoughts left behind; enduring these pains as existence rewinds with smiles anew for the lust and the yearning that keeps me alive… that keeps me returning with Aaron a GO and possibly Michael – I’m questioning content of sodomy cycle: “This one is solid!” while “This one is pointless!”, “This one is squalid…” Til one is appointed worthy of probing for one of my station: a worthy disrobing for self-excavation; worthy of one’s progression through sex; worthy of love through expression of flesh.
Confusing DILF picture adds layer of lust to bruising filth mixture; betrayer of trust who back in the past when present was future, through lack of the ask cast gent as abuser.
*
Doctored exuberance from strangest of men.
I was awkward pubescence and patience by then.
My doctor was present which deftly he used.
Doctor was pleasant which left me confused.
More than one patient; Jason inside me.
More than one statement was latent inside me.
And doctor was plural; what’s quizzically true is that doctor was neural but physical too.
More than one practice. More than one patient. More than one mattress. More than one Jason.
Deranged dereliction of duty imbued with strange contradictions that strangely are true.
Innocent action or wholly obscene?
Fact that this fraction unholy was clean.
With no penetration in sterile space.
And no abdication of crime or disgrace.
With no policed questions the proctors undress me.
Priests at confessions; the doctors molest me.
Doctors are judged through initial neurology.
The awkward begrudged judicial apology.
*
And DILF in the picture looks back from the past and I am not injured but was I the last?
I listen to Cigarettes After Sex and Men That I Trust as I wander the streets of New York.
I smile – sad smile for closeted younger version of myself, lonely and wandering a well remembered if faded watercolor fairground and the man that I saw there…
I never spoke to him, though we recognized each other – or, should I say that we recognized the truth in ourselves?
And that recognition was dangerous, reckless, unplanned and perfect.
I’ve written of him before and I’ve thought of him even more times than that…
We crossed paths on the cusp of momentous change.
And on an overcast Friday afternoon, I stumble for words to capture his vivid, pained echo, which has forever remained a part of me, despite the seemingly inconsequential nature of our subtle, surreptitious, serendipitous encounter.