Journal – Page 2 – BALD JASON'S GAY GOTH BOY BLOG

June 22, 2026

“I, Your Willing Victim”

After the last entry, I was hungry. I was getting ready for bed but I was hungry and I tried to have a light snack, but then I had another, and another. Nothing was too much on its own, and all of it was healthy, it was just too much for me to really lay down, so I stayed up until 2am, making sure everything was good. It was a dumb mistake, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I did sleep well when I finally got to bed. But before I drifted off I started re-reading a book I’ve read several times before. Again, I’ve not finished a book in years and I don’t know that I’ll finish this one. But here we are.

Aaron was meant to drive me a Doctor’s appointment today but he had a lot of unexpected work and he was pressed for time. He said he’d pay for an uber to take me, but I was pretty sure I could make it on the train. I got ready. While getting ready I had the urge to speak to my mom, which doesn’t happen often, but when it does it can be intensely sad. It wasn’t too bad. I noted it, said a little “prayer” to her and texted my sister about it. Then I finished getting ready and headed out. I wasn’t allowed to have any metal on me so I had to take out all my jewelry.

I took the A train from 181st down to 42nd / Times Square, where I caught the E train over to the east side for my appointment. I didn’t have to wait long for any of the trains and none of them were crowded, which was nice. I listened to music. I got to my appointment at the NYU Langone location on at 159 E 53rd street (New York, NY. 10022-4602), on the 6th floor. I’m always impressed that this office is peppered with LGBTQ+ PRIDE Flags. I was an hour early. I got in. They gave me a gown for the bone density test and then I waited about 20 minutes. The test took about a half hour. I got dressed an headed out.

It was raining when I left. The forecast had told me it likely would but I would have known anyways because I had the familiar throbbing in my skull. It wasn’t too bad though and the subway was less than half a block from the door of the building I was in so I didn’t get my umbrella out. On the E train a seemingly queer woman sat next to me and complimented me on my PRIDE hat. We spoke during the 4 stops that I was on the train and then I was off to the A train, which was a bit more crowded but I still had a place to sit. When we got to 181st street I took the long escalator up to the street where it was pouring. I got my umbrella out this time and started for home, but my head didn’t hurt anymore and I felt a lot better. I stopped into a grocery store where I got some Baby Arugula + some Kiwis. When I got home had a pita bread with what I had left of my salad from the other day. Aaron had me help him with some stuff he was doing. I had another snack while I watched some reactors watch the last 3 episodes of Andor and eventually I took an unplanned for nap.

Oh. Also on the train home, I had a moment where a woman sitting next to me made me think of Candace Hawkins. She was a coworker of mine at Hollywood Video back in the day. Everyone seemed to love her. She was murdered a couple of years ago but a man she’d been seeing. It was a horrible at the time, but it also felt very far removed from me. Thinking of her on the train, it hit harder than it had before and I cried for a minute. Then I texted another Hollywood friend, D.J., who had been her brother-in-law. It was sad, but it was also a nice exchange. He told me he loved me and he missed my hugs. All my life people have complimented me on the way that I hug. I told him we might be able to arrange such a hug this week, but it’s unclear if that will happen or not.

Since the nap, I’ve had a nice chat with Matt Habel-Graham. We dated briefly in early 2004. We seldom speak, but this was good. Complimentary, compassionate, and amusing. But I’m winding down again. I may have another smoothie or something but I think I’m done for the day.

Today’s journal title song quote is from “Just Give Me a Reason” by American singer and songwriter Alecia Beth “P!NK” Moore-Hart’s 2012 sixth studio album, “The Truth About Love”. The song is a duet with another American singer and songwriter, Nathaniel “Nate” Joseph Ruess. It’s been in my head all day due to my starting to re-read that book last night, Anyta Sunday’s “Rock”, which concerns a love affair between two brothers over the course of their lives. I don’t know why I love it so much, but I do. And when I read it the first time, I often listened to this song on repeat, so I still associate them with one another.

Actually, I read this book (which apparently has a new cover, seen on the right here) to Aaron in the car once, on a long car trip. He cried with me during it. lol So at least he thought it was good too. But it’s a dumb gay romance novel, with incestuous overtones and the copy I have feature some mistakes – but I find it charming. I read another book by her but I didn’t like it half as much.

Okay. I should get ready for bed. Or have that smoothie. Something.

June 21, 2026

“It Feels Alright, But Never Complete”

Friday evening, Aaron and I walked to Starbucks so he could get his birth week drink. We also went to Little Caesars and I got pizza for the first time in 2 weeks. My dietician wanted me to stop eating it altogether, which was the only thing I ruled out on the spot. I did commit to cutting back from having a slice every day, which is what I was doing, so I’ve successfully cut way back. Balance. That’s what I need. I’ve still stayed up with my intake of fruits and vegetables and other elements so I feel pretty good about that.

We didn’t watch “The Sound of Music” on Friday or Saturday. I was struggling with migraines both days, likely in part due to the weather. That reminds me that I still need to solve an issue with one of my medications which was supposed to have been filled a long while back, which was apparently lost, only I didn’t notice at the time because I’d cut down to half my usual intake (with my doctor’s guidance) – only that didn’t work so I went back up and now I’m learning that I don’t have anymore. So I need to fix that before I travel this week and preferably before, because it helps with my stomach.

We finally watched “The Sound of Music” today, which made Aaron very happy. I’m working on my Marvel guide for the Multiverse Saga and I’m nearly done…except that it’s too long and needs to be split up into sections, only I’m not sure what those sections should be. I’d definitely like to finish it soon though.

I did not go outside on Saturday or Sunday. I have to go out tomorrow because of an appointment. We leave for Michigan on Wednesday and won’t be back until the following Monday.

I called my step-dad and left a voicemail, as he never answers his phone. I tried calling my bio dad but nobody answered at his place. I’ll be seeing both of them later this week though.

I’m sleepy.

Today’s journal music quote title is from “Heavy Cross” by American indie rock band Gossip, from their 2009 album, “Music for Men”. I’ve tried to start watching The Vampire Diaries for the third time in my life. The other attempts ended with me stopping after the second episode, which features this song. I’ve made it to the third this time, so progress? I read and enjoyed the original 4 novels in the series when they were new, but even then I thought they were a bit silly. The adaptation is problematic for me, but it also feels very similar to series like “Smallville” only instead of being about Superman and aliens it is about vampires and supernatural creatures – but it’s so similar to “Smallville” that it feels redundant. And I’m pretty sick of high school stories like this one. Even “Smallville” wasn’t that great – I just watched it all because I was bored. Someone famously asked me what I was watching at the time and when they asked if I’d recommend it I said no, because it’s not good, but I found it mildly entertaining due to my familiarity with DC comics. Anyways, it is okay for now. I doubt I’ll get too far into it though.

June 19, 2026

“We Took Photographs of Everything”

On Wednesday (June 17) Aaron and I had an eye doctor appointment, only to find out that my insurance only covers a visit every two years, so I headed home. I had a VNS monthly interview; I was recently recertified for services. There was a new Spider-Man: Brand New Day trailer and tickets went on sale for the movie.

That night after I got read for bed I had a phone conversation with my cousin Joy, which was long overdue, delightful – but extensive. So extensive that I didn’t actually get to bed until about 3am. Fine.

I slept well, though waking up without Aaron (on June 18) was a shock. The week has flown by and I’d forgotten that Aaron was working from the office. Additionally, there had been storms off and on and I woke up with a severe migraine that got worse. I took all the things and I did laundry in preparation to attend Aaron’s Stonewall Chorale Pride Concert, which I’d asked Aaron to get me a ticket for, so I did not want to cancel, because I only had a ticket because I asked, plus I love the choir and I wanted to be there for the fun! Only, again, the migraine didn’t leave and later I learned that Aaron hadn’t gotten me the ticket, so I begged out of going to get a ticket at the door and stayed home. I didn’t go out. I didn’t watch TV or movies or read or play video games. It was so bad that I couldn’t really do anything fun. Aaron later assured me that this was the right call as there was a bit of drama, a late start to the show and there was no air conditioning. Bullet dodged. I still would have liked to have gone to support him and to see everyone though. I guess Victor Garber was there and I would likely have said hello to him. Oh well.

I updated my photos section this morning. I have more updates I’d like to do. And I’m still behind on several viewing orders that are in various stages of preparation, so I have stuff to work on. Aaron has today off and at some point, likely after 6, we’ll watch The Sound of Music. We got our Spider-Man: Brand New Day tickets today. July 30 at 3pm. Awesome.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Dream State (Run From It)” by American post rock band Son Lux, from their fifth studio album, Brighter Wounds. It was the theme song to HBO’s “The Vow”, which I’ve been rewatching.

June 17, 2026June 17, 2026

“I Kept Waiting For You to Find What I See in You”

June 16, 2026. Aaron’s 42nd Birthday. He was 27 when I met him. He bought me the Zelda Pride shirt last summer. I gave him the Star Trek Pride shirt today. <3

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I cuddled and showered with Aaron on the morning of his 42nd birthday. He had to work. Meanwhile, I scheduled multiple appointments with multiple doctors: a possibly hypnotherapy appointment that both my therapist and G.I. Specialist have been recommending (which took jumping through several hoops to accomplish), the bone density test that my G.I. Doctor recommended, the endocrinologist that my favorite doctor recommended + an appointment for an anal pap smear, which he’s wanted me to have for years but in the past, nobody in New York didn’t them for men, but now he has someone who does. So that was a lot. At least for me. I tend to struggle with making any appointments at all, but several of the appointments pertain to things that should have been taken care of (or at least checked out) a long time ago, so it felt like overdue and also very satisfying to get that stuff done. At one point my bone density test was scheduled for this Friday, but Aaron has the day off and wants to spend it with me, so I moved it to Monday, which he appreciated – and said he’ll drive me to that appointment to make up for the delay.

I had ordered 3 gifts for Aaron but I didn’t get gift bags or wrapping paper. I decided I’d go find some. Only I went to Target and several pharmacies and nobody had either item. And I didn’t even see anything that looked like it might be an option. But as I wandered through the Heights, looking for a solution, I happened across this location, which was the home of a gay bar when we first moved to New York. Our sublet was at 173rd and Broadway, a little less than 4 blocks away. I went there a few times. It was called “No Parking”, which was ironic, since it was located inside of a parking structure. I just looked it up, and the bar opened in 2006 and closed in 2014. I knew it had been gone a long time, but I also knew I’d been there in early 2013. And here are the photos to prove it: This is me, Addison, Alyssa “Aly” Thomas and Jose Antonio Ponce. I worked with Addison and Alyssa at Starbucks and Jose was a cute customer of ours.

I stopped at my pharmacy on the way back to pick up some medication, and I was a sweaty mess when I got home from the excessive heat. But I had to jump right into a meeting with someone to finish scheduling one of those appointments I spoke of earlier. I also spoke to my cousin Katie for a bit and realized I could wrap Aaron’s gift with tissue paper I’d gotten for an art project last year. I wrapped his 3 gifts with different colors: Red, Black and Blue. He loved his presents. And then he was off to choir.

My eating in the last several days has been great and fun. I hope it lasts. I’ve started eating pitas, which probably sounds silly to most people, who’ve had them all their lives, but I’d never had one before. They’re really good – and the opposite of what I generally enjoy. I was looking over what I’ve been eating lately, and without even trying too hard, for the last several months I’ve drastically increased my servings of fruit and vegetables. Yesterday for example, I had a cup of blueberries, a cup of cherries, some green olives, chickpeas, sesame seeds, chia seeds, flax seeds, french onion & lettuce. The day before was similar but also featured broccoli, cauliflower & zucchini. And again, this has just sort of fallen into place in a way that seems magical to me. If you’d told me my diet would be so markedly changed last year, I wouldn’t have believed you. I would have thought it impossible. Truly impossible. This change is in complete opposition to my previous experiences. But this is in part why I’ve been in therapy for so long. I’m just starting to see some results and that’s really gratifying.

The night wound down and I got ready for bed. I’m re-watching The Vow. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because I engage with it but can do so without paying a lot of attention, having seen it before. I watched an episode, then shut it off and fell asleep shortly after 10. I woke up at 4, had a blueberry smoothie and wrote this.

Today’s journal entry music quote comes from “Cherry”, the 2013 single from former electronic music band Chromatica.

June 15, 2026June 15, 2026

“I Feel Love Inside My Jeans”

I woke up around 4am. I tried to get back to sleep but I gave up after about a half hour. I got up. I watched the news. I prepared for my appointment with one of my doctors and I had some eggs, which is to say that I had 1 egg and an egg white with chia seeds. My appointment was at 10:20 but I left very early, which is what I always like to do, but I knew I was going to take a route I wasn’t familiar with so I gave myself even more time. I made it to my appointment about an hour early – but got in quickly and my appointment went very well. I love this guy. I love most of my care team and I’m very grateful for them, and for the fact that I have access to so many specialists who look out for me. This particular doctor is brilliant. He’s funny, SMART and queer, and that last part is far more helpful than I would have thought possible because he knows what to look for and what to ask, when usually I have to guide my doctors to the care that I need, which, in fairness, they’re happy to do, but it’s not the same experience, and I can miss things. I wish everyone had a doctor like him.

I talked to the dr about my recent blood work and not only did he assure me that there’s nothing there for me to panic over, but he explained why and walked me through how the results might look bad but they actually aren’t. Indeed, he deduced that some of my results were thrown off because I didn’t fast before the blood work, which they’ve never asked me to do before. He recommended several others things he wants me to do (all of which made sense to me) and filled a couple of medications. He also, off the cuff, asked if I’m an artist, which I responded that I was, and it was a nice moment. I told him about this place. And we were done.

And then I got home relatively easily, getting here before noon. The elevator was down again but I guess it is back up now. I had a smoothie and watched some reactions. I wrote this. And I need to make those follow-up appointments. But I may take a nap at some point because I’m very sleepy.

Today’s song quote journal title is from “No. 1 Fan”, by the shoegaze influenced American indie rock band Majesty Crush, from their only album, “Love 15”, which was released on September 28, 1993.

June 14, 2026

“There’s Promise in the Air”

When I saw my dietician on Wednesday, she gave me a mountain of new information to incorporate into my life. I was grateful. I told her I was, because although she communicated a lot of information that wasn’t always easy to hear, she did this with compassion and humor, with wit and with care. I have already tried several things she recommended, which have been emotionally complicated to say the least. But she gave me some worksheets with some notes and I sat down today to try to make sense of them. I asked Aaron questions as he’s quite educated on these topics and he loves me, so he’s very careful with what he says and how he presents things, but he’s also clearly excited to see that I’m considering these things in a healthier way than I ever have in the past.

We put in a grocery order, which features mostly healthy foods and several of which I’ve never tried before. And I’m thinking about meals in the day and what they need to accomplish, which isn’t really how I’ve done this sort of thing in the past. I did try a few times, in therapy, but figuring out this or that food and the ramifications of them really dragged me down. This feels different, but like an extension of the work I did there. I think I’m going to have an interesting conversation with my therapist this week.

I’m excited for the possibilities of my personal growth in these matters, but I also know that I’m going to need to practice what I’m learning. I don’t want to be complacent or to fail because I’m not paying enough attention. The part of me which has been trapped within the trauma of my childhood is paying attention and so far, he seems curious, even if he throws a tantrum now and again. I think he knows I’m trying to help him just much as I’m trying to help myself and that’s appreciated. It’s only when I ignore him that things get really bad.

I took care of some banking stuff. I’ve been handling my “banking stuff” for something like 10 years now? And off and on before that. But it used to be very stressful. And right now, it’s not. And that’s nice.

I bought a Xanadu shirt. It was on sale.

I also tried to write down what I need to accomplish at my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My doctors are awesome, which is why I see them, but I can really struggle with talking to them about the things that matter. It’s like my brain falls out of my head every time I go into those places. I’ve worked to overcome that, with some positive effect, but it’s still a struggle. Part of that work has involved preparation, like I’m doing now. Hopefully I can avoid any real trouble tomorrow and pave the way for more positive experiences in the near future.

I would like to speak to Jessica A. Gerson, PhD, about possibly joining one of her groups. She’s a psychologist who does group work, sometimes involving hypnosis, to help people dealing with G.I. disorders. Both my therapist and my G.I. doctor have separately recommended Dr. Gerson to me, which is kind of funny, because my G.I. doctor and my therapist are friends also. I like that they all know one another. They can also all see each others notes in my file, which is how I feel all medical teams should be – as they’re all treating me, I’d rather they have all the information to work with. I can’t make an appointment (or broach the subject) with Dr. Gerson today though because of office hours. I’d like to try to do so before my therapy appointment later this week, just so I can tell my therapist I did. I mean, I want to do it for myself, but I’m also aware that I’ve been talking to my therapist about it, off and on, for at least a year – and I had totally forgotten about it in recent weeks, even with my other doctor also recommending the treatment. I don’t want to lose this chance because I can’t focus on it.

I need to reapply for my Snap Benefits which I could do today. It has to be done by August and I do want to do it today but I also need to find time to eat and spend time with Aaron, and I also want to go for a real walk, as I haven’t done so in days. Actually yesterday marked the first day I didn’t go outside at all after 41 consecutive days going out. I was exhausted yesterday, barely sleeping the night before and I wanted to push through and go out but then our elevator was down again and I just thought, fuck off. Instead I got ready for bed and I slept very well. But I want to get outside today. I don’t want there to be a habit of not going out.

Also, I need to remember that I want to try to get in touch with Alec on the second floor. And Isaiah. And Christopher. Actually, Christopher spoke about me going to a bar with him this Tuesday. Maybe I can do that? We’ll see.

Today’s journal entry song quote comes from “Magic” by Olivia Newton-John from the soundtrack to the 1980 movie musical, “Xanadu”. My sister had this record when I was a kid, the 45. I could read the word Xanadu and assumed it was the company logo of the record company, somewhat ironically, given some of the subject matter in the film. I also thought the song was about my sister. I later caught the TV premiere of the film, by accident, and was shocked to learn that this was where the music came from. A few years later, when we had a VCR, I recorded it of television and it became a favorite of mine. I owned the soundtrack on cassette and CD. I have a digital copy. And though it’s become a somewhat iconic gay favorite, it feels very personal to me, and while I’m happy that others enjoy it, I think I would hate to see it in a theater where everyone was singing along to the film. But I feel the same way about the Rocky Horror Picture Show – which I’ve seen with the audience participation multiple times, but I knew then, that aside from seeing friends perform, I’d much rather see the film at home. And that’s really how I am now with movies in general.

June 13, 2026

“Memories of Green”

Memories. Some of them are vibrant and overwhelming. Others seem muted or faded as an old drawing.

Yesterday marked 10 years since the Pulse Nightclub Massacre, when 29-year-old Omar Mateen shot and killed 49 people and wounded 58 in a mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. We read about it 10 years ago today. I was so shaken. A couple of weeks later, at PRIDE (on June 24), the owners of the club were there on the pier and they read the names of the victims as I wept. Bob the Drag Queen performed, and so did Todrick Hall, who later released a documentary (“Behind the Curtain”) which features us in the audience + a NYC Pride sign that we had our picture taken with.

An acquaintance of mine, a kid who had a crush on me but was way too young for me when we met, Perris, was there at Pulse and had survived. He died in March of 2024 of complications from surgery, age 34.

A year ago, Aaron and I were at LaGuardia International Airport in Queens heading to Michigan for a visit with Aaron’s family + his 41st birthday:

“The man sitting across from us is flirting with a woman way out of his league and laughing like a Muppet on acid. I’m embarrassed for both of them.“

13 years ago, Aaron and I got word that work was wrapping up on our “new condo”, which is where I’m writing this post from. No longer new, and in my brain I think of it as an apartment, rather than a condo, but I’m not sure that really matters.

16 years ago, I was still happy with the Doctor Who episode that had aired the day before, S05E11 “The Lodger”, which features James Corden, who I thought was funny at the time, though I now find him to be completely obnoxious.

7 years ago today, Aaron and I arrived in our new hotel in San Francisco (for an opera conference) and later I had a reunion with Jen Beam; she lived across the Golden Gate Bridge, which I crossed for the first time on a bus. It seems like yesterday and forever ago all at once. I hooked up with several exes while we were there (Jen & Mark) but I only got fucked by one of them (Shawn)! With Aaron’s permission of course. We have a mostly open relationship but I don’t really take advantage of it much. That was the only time I hooked up with anyone without him, and I likely would have included him but he was busy and there were emotional things that needed to be worked through and discussed. It was very healing.

11 years ago, Mary Ellen was in town for Aaron’s birthday and took us to see “Finding Neverland” on Broadway, which featured Matthew Morrison & Kelsey Grammer; I remember they made a funny “Cheers” joke. We ate at the Jolly Monk that day. It was a difficult day actually, due to my own psychological bullshit, but I made the most of it.

14 years ago, last night, was the Goth Prom at Factor Night at Necto. I was a Necto / Nectarine Ballroom devotee from January 1994 – September 2012, with a few stops put in in the months that followed.

17 years ago today, my grandparents renewed their wedding vows. I took my then boyfriend, Michael Slaughter, with me. I didn’t know then but he’d already cheated on me more than a dozen times. But the day was lovely. And my sister Janice and I sang. My mother was there. Michael and I called it quits in early 2011. My mother died in July of 2021, while her father, my grandpa died last year.

Today’s music is “Memories of Green” from the film “Blade Runner”. I’ve not heard The New American Orchestra version in decades, and while I love the original Vangelis version, this is the version I owned when I was a kid. And it feels appropriate to share it here.

June 13, 2026

“I Don’t Know If the Dead Can Talk to Anyone”

A couple of nights ago, I woke up very early and I decided I needed to rewatch the mainline Marvel multiverse films which I’ve only seen once, which are all likely to be important come December when “Avengers: Doomsday” is released. So I watched “Thor: Love & Thunder”, the 4th Thor film, which I’d seen once, in the theater, but never saw again. I very nearly hated it in the theater and it’s easy to see why, as it adapts 2 popular comic stories that have very little to do with one another (which seldom goes well) while failing them both IMO. I loved Jane Foster’s Mighty Thor storyline in the books, but since it’s jammed together with the Gorr the God Butcher story, is left feeling like the better b-plot in a movie about something far less compelling. I didn’t like the God Butcher story in the comics but the film version is worse because it doesn’t actually take any risks. Gorr kills many Gods in the film, just NONE that we’ve actually met before, despite there being more than a handful of those over the years, so the stakes feel very low. All of that is still true on a second watch, but when you know that’s what you’re getting, it’s a lot less disappointing, and so I definitely enjoyed it more the second time around. It also helps that we know, or can intuit that we will soon have some consequences for this story rather than the somewhat standalone nature of the plot as is. We know because Thor’s new charge, the “Love” of the title, will be returning in the next Avengers film and the character will seemingly be a big part of what Thor is returning for, as revealed in a teaser trailer that isn’t (according to the directors) actually footage from the film? I don’t really understand it. But we’re still about 6 months away from that movie + we have 1 other movie before it (“Spider-Man: Brand New Day”) + several other Marvel projects with “X-Men ’97” Season 2, “VisionQuest” & “Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man” Season 2. Other Marvel Multiverse films I’ve only seen once include “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3”, “Ant-Man & the Wasp: Quantumania”, “The Marvels”, “Captain America: Brave New World”, “The Fantastic Four: First Steps” & “Thunderbolts*”. I should also revisit “Venom: Let There Be Carnage” and I’ve never seen “Venom: The Last Dance” or “Kraven the Hunter” – but I doubt any of those Sony spin-offs will come into play in the next 2 Avengers films or even “Spider-Man: Beyond the Spider-Verse”.

Thursday was meant to be all about taking photos. And it was. And I had fun. But it was a lot, having taken over 300 photos and then taking the time to delete more than 100 of them and polishing the rest, even a little took hours, and is always my least favorite part of such projects. So I got a lot done and I had a good day, but it left me feeling empty and exhausted – partly because I also started struggling into my new diet. I have often made healthy changes to my diet but the ones that are being made now are far more extreme and involve me denying myself many of my staple foods, which Aaron assures me is normal, and I don’t doubt him, but it feels horrible. And anytime I’m dealing with food, I have to be cognizant of my fucked up psyche which tries to use food as example of something it can’t possibly be responsible for, and honestly, while I seem to be arguing that point really well, I’m not sure I’m convinced or that this might not explode in a few days or even less.

He should be dead or I should be him – the nature of PTSD. But he’s in here whispering his “truth” which stems from an uneducated mind and the horrors he was subjected to.

I got outside Thursday and Friday but both trips were to keep me going outside every day and not the fulfilling walks I’d been going down recently. I just got too busy on Thursday and then Friday when I went out it was crazy hot, and clearly about to rain – and on top of all that, the elevator in our building was stuck on the 5th floor, which meant taking the stairs down and then back up again. I did walk around the block, but the odd feeling of the storm coming in left everything looking strange and nothing feeling all that comforting.

I went to bed early. Around 9pm I think. But I woke up at 1:25am, unable to get back to sleep. I knew I needed to write something up so that’s what I’m doing. I may have a smoothie to help me cool down, as it’s HOT in the apartment. For power grid and money issues we don’t use the AC in rooms we are mostly not in at night (while the bedroom is chilled at the moment, I worry that being in there might rouse Aaron and he has an even he needs to be at this morning).

So what now? I don’t even feel like sharing the pictures that I took the other day. Some of them are quite nice and if I ever update the collages in the photos section, they’ll be very useful, but I’m sick of seeing my face, no matter how healing it can be for me to see how it changes or what I look like vs. how I see myself.

Today’s journal entry song quote is from “The High Road” by Broken Bells, from their eponymous 2010 debut studio album.

June 10, 2026

“I Guess I’m Just Older Now”

I took my time getting ready for my dietician appointment, but when I was ready, I was happy. I was a little nervous, but Aaron put me at ease and seeing the doctor again was about as good as it was the first time. I saw her 2.5 years ago and she gave me wonderful advice, but my insurance took forever to cover the appointment and it spooked me – only I really need this kind of help, due to my gastroparesis and also for my PTSD, so this was a good day. Aaron spoke up for me anytime I stumbled but I did do a lot of the speaking for myself. He later said how proud he was of me for making the appointment happen so quickly, showing up and being open to this work, which made me feel good. I thanked him also. This was a team effort.

My dietician works in the fancy part of the FANCY PART of town. Hard to imagine this being the same island that we live on.

We ordered some groceries. I have cravings for different foods but I’m excited to try some new stuff. This could be very difficult, but sometimes things like this surprises me. And I have my therapist to help and I need to reach out to another therapist about some group work that 2 of my other doctors have recommended I try. So many doctors! But I feel very lucky to have their input.

I took a sleeping pill which is starting to kick in and I need to sleep.

The song quote journal title comes from “Emo Song” by “The Haunted Youth” from their album Boys Cry Too.

June 10, 2026June 10, 2026

“I’m Trying To Leave The Night Behind”

I did go to sleep early, after a brief chat with my sister. Anytime I say that I’ve spoken to my sister I mean Janice, my older sister. Our younger sister, Jamie, doesn’t speak to me. I don’t even have her phone #. I don’t know her address. I’ve never seen where she lives. And it’s not just that we’re distant, she’s vicious. And so after many, many years of this seemingly random and horrible behavior, it has come to a point where it feels like I only have one sister. I would not have it be so. But Jamie has given me no other choice.

I slept well. I sometimes have a fruity carbonated beverage on hand but I had water instead. The pain in my back haunted my dreams and woke me a few times. Aaron later told me that I cried out in my sleep. I slept for more than 8 hours. When I did finally get up, I found that while my back still hurts, quite sharply at times, it feels much better than it did yesterday, which is a relief. It doesn’t hurt when I stand still, which was not true yesterday.

I usually make my smoothies with a high protein fiber enriched Boost drink (which equals 1 cup), + 1 cup of blueberries or cherries, a scoop of fiber, a scoop of coffee and a scoop of protein powder – with a splash of unsweetened oat milk. I tried making one without the Boost today (replacing it with a cup of the unsweetened oat milk). Actually, that’s how I first tried making one but I had found the flavor to be a little too intense for me, so this was my second attempt, which went a lot better. That cuts a bit of sugar from my limited intake. I will still drink the Boost but not with the smoothies and not as often. Aaron is against this, and maybe the nutritionist will feel otherwise as well. Aaron says that all the things in the Boost are good for me, but that’s true of water and you can still drown in it or die from drinking too much, via water intoxication / hyponatremia, which is when someone consumes water faster than their kidneys can process it, diluting their blood sodium to abnormally low levels and causing cells—including brain cells—to swell. Maybe I’m being extreme, but I don’t know what else to do. The new smoothie concoction didn’t bother me this time. It’s not as tasty as it was before, but it’s also not anywhere near as offensive as I felt it was the first time. Progress.

I’m wondering if maybe my sugar levels were raised randomly last week. I had a bad few days with my stomach, which is paralyzed, which leads to vomiting. Every day for nearly 25 years. August 13 will mark 25 years. Some days are much worse than others. And having had several bad days, my throat was sore. I bought some Luigi’s Real Italian Ice (Watermelon & Blue Raspberry), which have a lot of sugar in them, which is why I gave them up years ago. The second ingredient on the label is syrup blend (sucrose and corn syrup) followed by apple juice. They’re basically flavored ice with heaps of sugar – but they were something cold that felt good on my throat. I ate 3 of them the morning of my appointment. I also had a sip of cough syrup because it had a cough suppressant and when my throat is irritated from a rough night, I cough a lot. So…I’m wondering if this doesn’t spike my sugar levels and or my results. It’s possible, but I honestly don’t know enough about it to know for sure.

So I’ve already made some (one assumes) healthy changes to my previously improved diet. And my back isn’t as bad. And I have the nutritionist to see today. And I feel really good about how I’ve handled things that would have knocked me off an emotional cliff yesterday and likely would have ended in bloodshed. And now I have questions about what might have sparked this change & I’m hoping this spike was a fluke, but either way it wouldn’t hurt me to try to do better. And so that’s where I am this morning.

Aaron is having a rough morning already. He has had a rough couple of days actually and has been trying to take care of himself but as is often the case, the world collapsed when he wasn’t there. Sometimes in these moments I don’t know what to say to help, but this morning I felt like I was there for him and told him things he needed to hear.

Sometimes our relationship goes very smoothly. Most of the time, really. But it becomes easy to take it for granted. The last 24 hours have shown why we were work well together and that’s always heartwarming. He advocated for me when I got my news yesterday and made sure I would see who I needed to see – even if I did the heavy lifting myself – which was totally what I wanted to do. And this morning with that conversation, it felt like I was the only person who could say these things to him and that I might be the only person he would listen to. I also helped him take a cart full of returns to the UPS store yesterday and contributed to his sleep last night.

Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “I Find You’re Gone” by the German former synthpop band Wolfsheim (Markus Reinhardt and Peter Heppner), from their 2003 album “Casting Shadows”.