Some days are harder than others.
Some days his voice is so loud
that I can’t hear or feel anything else
without turning myself inside out.
It never lasts for more than an hour or two
(often times less than that)
but in that time he makes sure
that I have his undivided attention.
This can be problematic
and disorienting
when I’m in public.
Our communication can never last for long
because I don’t have the reserves.
It’s too all consuming to sustain itself.
He doesn’t like to be ignored
and I don’t do it on purpose
but it takes a lot of energy
and skills that I’ve not yet completely developed.
And paying attention to him can be dangerous,
but so can ignoring him. Clearly.
Sometimes he wants me to throw all of my food away.
He’s jealous, I think.
Some weekends, everything I plan on
falls apart because of him.
The way that I’m falling apart,
but seldom admit.
Every day that I don’t cut is a victory.
I know this.
But it doesn’t feel like the truth.
It feels like cowardice.
If I could just cut him out of me…
I’d be dead.
That’s the problem.
I think I’m beginning to hate him.
Hate myself.
Because he’s keeping me prisoner.
I missed the party on Friday,
the opera on Saturday,
the walk in the park today
because of his need…
and my aversion.
These feel like failures or defeats,
but is it a failure if it keeps you alive?
I try to talk myself through it
but my feelings are complicated
and often contradictory.
I don’t think anyone around me understands
and why should they?
It hurts being so alone though.
It’s just him and me.
Like when she abandoned me. Us.
There are people that love me,
which is incredible really,
because there’s a big piece of myself that’s missing.
He’s completely disconnected from me
and when that connection is made
the spark of that moment is blinding…
but nobody gets to see it but me.
Or maybe I’m wrong and people do see him,
or the absence of him?
Maybe people love me because of him.
I don’t really know.
All I know is that he’s closer to me today
than he usually is
and I’m alone
and I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Time to go for a walk.
Written by Jason Wright
March 29, 2015