I did cuddle with Aaron yesterday morning. Then we showered together. I stayed in. I had been excited to return to Zumba Class this week, but I had a migraine so I didn’t go. I slept pretty well that night though.
This morning I woke up around 5, inspired to work on my website, solving several problems with my Marvel viewing order. I worked on it for hours but I got a lot done. I returned to Aaron around 7 or 7:30 to shower, then went back to working on my site. I took a brief nap at one point. But I was at my computer most of the day. At around 4:30 pm I felt I needed to get outside. I shaved and showered, dressed and did my 2 mile walk to Fort Tryon and back. I passed a film crew at one point but didn’t stop to see what they were working on. I also walked by Nathan, a guy that Aaron and I hooked up with several months ago. We waved, but we didn’t stop. He was walking with someone who I think is his roommate. Part of me thought: I’ve become one of those gays that slightly acknowledges people I’ve been intimate with as we encounter each other, without saying hello. But I was walking, and he didn’t call out or anything, and I don’t know what was going on. I wasn’t bothered, but it was an odd moment.
I was wearing a Concrete Blonde shirt, from the “Bloodletting” album, which I love. I listened to it as I walked. I got a spinach wrap at Starbucks on my way home and also stopped to get some more pita bread from the grocery store. The wrap was delicious. I showered the sweat from the walk off, started listening to “Mexican Moon” (also by Concrete Blonde) and decided to write this.
As I started this, Aaron arrived back home, after having moved the car to a new parking garage that will save us $300 a month. That’s nice. I showed him the new (final) VisionQuest trailer, which he liked – and I loved. I can’t wait to see it!
I’m starting to wind down. I might play some Zelda before bed.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Caroline”, a song by American alternative rock band Concrete Blonde from their third studio album, “Bloodletting”, which was released on May 15, 1990. The album features guest appearances by R.E.M.’s Peter Buck and Wall of Voodoo’s Andy Prieboy. “Caroline” was released in September 1990 as the third single and was written by Johnette Napolitano, and produced by Concrete Blonde and Chris Tsangarides. Mike Boehm, writing for the Los Angeles Times, described “Caroline” as “a mysterious, gorgeously evocative song that recalls Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rhiannon’.” In a review of Bloodletting’, Marc D. Allan of The Indianapolis Star wrote, “‘Caroline’ is a good example of the band’s strengths. Napolitano’s lush vocals, combined with Mankey’s eerie guitar, create a subtle but powerful piece of pop.” In a retrospective review, Ned Raggett of AllMusic described the song’s lyrics as “addressing a departed friend”. I don’t recall the song from the time, but when I bought the album several years later it quickly became my favorite track, though I love all of the songs and seldom ever just listen to a single song from it, rather I listen to the whole thing.
Today was tough. A lot of serious discussions with Aaron: money, banking, trust, communication – but all of it was productive. Later there was therapy with Anna, who backed up everything I was thinking and feeling, supportive but honest. I followed that up with a long overdue conversation with Katie and also went for a two-mile walk, which was complicated by my cold symptoms – my nose would not stop running. But I was walking pretty quickly with no leg pain and realizing just how strong I’ve become.
Oh. Before all of that, this morning I had egg white, with chia seeds, some seasoning & a bit of parmesan cheese. And a bit after 1 I weighed myself, figured I’d probably gained a bit of weight, a normal amount of weight, but I’d actually lost some, even with the food. 182.8lbs. I’m aiming for 168 / 170, so I have a ways to go, but I started at 220, so I’m doing great. Even with a cold, less exercise and being a little less strict with my diet. That is astounding to me. I was 211 in March, so I’ve lost over 28 lbs in 6 months – and initially, I wasn’t even trying to lose weight, but just making some healthier choices. Crazy.
When I got home from my walk., I showered off the sweat and worked on my website for a few hours, adding more details to my new DC Extended Universe / DCU page. It’s ironic that I’m putting so much effort into something that I don’t actually enjoy that much. To me, this series of films and TV are sometimes fantastic but more often horrible, while the MCU is usually fantastic and sometimes…less so. Which is weird, because I like DC comics more than I like Marvel, and I’ve also enjoyed more DC adaptations over the years than Marvel. But I guess the MCU is very clearly something special, even removed from the comics conversation, as it is easily the highest grossing film franchise in history.
I’m tired. I’m not too hungry but I just had an olive / hummus egg wrap, as I’ll need to fast starting at 1am through my doctor’s appointment at 1pm. Just water and medication or it will fuck up my bloodwork and I don’t want that again. I also have a video appointment in the morning for a possibly hypnotherapist (though I’m not sure that’s the right title, which is part of what the interview will clear up); this particular therapist has been recommended by two of my doctors, wholly separate from one another, so I’m checking her out and we’ll see how that goes.
I might go to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open.
Today’s song quote journal entry title is from “Fascination Street”, by English rock band the Cure from their eighth studio album, “Disintegration” (1989), though I first heard the extended version, which was included on the Cure’s 1990 remix album “Mixed Up”, the first Cure album I ever owned, and the first CD I ever bought.
I stayed in on Saturday, September 12, and I mostly just worked on various viewing orders for this website, working on the DCAU (which is very complicated as I’m juggling all sorts of continuity bits from hundreds of episodes), The Exorcist, Spartacus, and The Hunger Games. I didn’t sleep very well that night, though my cold symptoms seemed to be bit better – and I regretted not getting outside.
Today, I’ve been restless, and I did get outside, but my cold symptoms felt far worse than they had in days. Maybe because my sleep was so random. I took a lot of pictures though and I managed to take an early evening nap which seemed to help a bit. I’d like to take another crack at that DCAU page but I don’t know that I have the energy right now. I really should have something to eat. I’ve only had a single smoothie today and that’s all.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “This Twilight Garden”, a b-side track from “High” by English rock band the Cure, released on 16 March 1992 by Fiction Records as the lead single from their ninth album, “Wish” (1992).
I slept for about 6 hours, I think. I woke up uncomfortable. Pain in my head and congestion. I tried to follow yesterday’s pattern, eating healthy and working on my website, but I realized I needed to back a lot of stuff up if I was going to move forward, so I worked on that. After hours at my computer I decided I needed to shower, shave, dress and at least try to feel human, and also try to go outside. For years I sat in my apartment watching queer cinema, eating crap and worrying about venturing out. I don’t want to fall into those habits again. My walk was brief, but productive. I took some photos, picked up a spinach feta wrap from Starbs (adding another veggie to my day’s intake) and also grabbed a prescription from the pharmacy for Aaron. I didn’t go far, but I did walk more than I needed to and all of it felt good. I like the pictures too.
Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “First and Last and Always”, the title track to the debut studio album by English gothic rock band the Sisters of Mercy, first released on March 11, 1985 through the band’s Merciful Release label.
I didn’t go to the party Saturday evening. I tried to get ready for it and so much was going wrong that I was quite stressed, but once I decided not to go (and had a rare Xanax) I calmed down considerably. I walked Aaron to the lot where our car was parked and then continued walking for a bit, first to Bennett Park and then heading back home. Oh, and I did text Ilyssa and Christopher. 🙂
The Marvel Comic Con news was slightly disappointing – but it was what I was actually expecting. Before it started I remembered that D23 is happening next month and how they have separated film and series news between the two presentations, so I figured we wouldn’t be getting the news I most wanted, which was for VisionQuest – which I do expect we’ll learn about at D23. They did make a few big announcements, including that Ryan Gosling will star in a Ghost Rider movie in 2028 & that Black Panther III will be out in December of 2028, with David Jonsson playing an adult version of T’Challa’s son from “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever”; how the character is aged up is rumored to be explained in next year’s “Avengers: Secret Wars”. Letitia Wright and Winston Duke are also confirmed to be returning in that movie (as Black Panther / Shuri & M’Baku), while Denzel Washington was revealed to have a role in the movie a long while ago. Ryan Coogler will also return to direct. I don’t really care about Ghost Rider. I’ve never been a big fan, though I did enjoy the version on Season 4 of “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”, played by Gabriel Luna. But I’m hyped about the Black Panther trilogy being completed 10 years (and 8 years and 10 months after the first film). That’s cool
There was also an “Avengers: Doomsday” panel, with another trailer, which hasn’t been officially released publicly. I’ve not watched the bootlegs because I’d rather wait to see it in high quality. But reports suggest the new trailer is even better than the first, with more context for who Doom is and what the film might entail. And though I was already aware the character would be returning, Hayley Atwell was on-hand to confirm that Peggy Carter will be in the film. Ryan Reynolds also made an appearance, which implies the the character MIGHT be in the movie. I’ve heard rumors that he is, but I try to avoid spoilers so I don’t actually know if he is or not, and I’d rather not know unless they officially announce it. Though, I suspect there are more than a few characters returning in either “Doomsday” or “Secret Wars” that we don’t know about, or at least I don’t, which is fine with me. Oh. And sadly, the Latverian Witch display did not feature a Scarlet Witch reference on the final day, and while many people are buzzing about her possibly returning, if it’s in “Doomsday”, we just don’t know yet. I’ve heard from a reputable source, that even if she’s not in the movie, she will be back soon. I just hope it’s true. I very much want Wanda, Vision, Billy & Tommy (and Agatha) to be reunited.
They did not announce the new “X-Men” film, despite it being in development and likely coming out in 2028. It’s rumored that they didn’t talk about it so as not to spoil anything from “Spider-Man: Brand New Day”, which opens on Thursday – and if so, there’s a very good chance that they’ll announce that at D23. And I’m looking forward to that for sure.
Sunday. I ate well, healthy. I went for a walk around the neighborhood, twice. Really it was one walk but I stopped by the apartment to drop off some groceries (pita bread and grape fruit yogurt), then headed out again. I’m sure I walked at least a mile, probably more. I was really pushing it.
I didn’t spend much time with Aaron on Sunday. When I was home he was really into watching Marvel. He told me that he wanted to watch Star Trek with me, but when he’s really into something, I have a difficult time interrupting him, even when I know he wants me to. It’s weird. It’s been a problem over the years. I was also just very tired after my walk. I didn’t sleep, but I was physically tired.
This morning (well, it was around noon) I weighed 190.4 lbs. I’ve lost over 30 lbs since 2024, 21 of them since March. It’s exciting to see results from what I’m doing, but it’s weird too. I’m really into it, but I’m trying constantly to let myself relax and not worry about it. I mean, despite being 20lbs overweight now, I’ve vastly improve since my last doctor’s appointment, well, the one where I got really horrible feedback and weird test results that were totally invalidated by their methods. But I’m excited to return and prove them wrong. A pound or two off is easy to ignore because people gain and lose a few pounds pretty regularly, but this can’t be ignored. All of my health scores have improved. All of them. Some of them still rank as higher than what they should be, but the improvement is impressive. And that makes me happy. that’s all. And I’m happy with what I’m eating. Today I’ve had a smoothie (Boost, protein powder, fiber, coffee, blueberries, almond milk, zucchini), several bottles of water with fiber, 2 pita breads with lettuce, hummus & Italian dressing, a piece of toast (high fiber bread) with chia seeds, a kiwi, and a mix of olives, almonds, pistachios, peanuts, sunflower seeds and pecans. That’s so different from when I was eating ice cream and potato chips every day.
I stumbled on this pendant, the central one with greyish stone, which my cousin Starr had given to me years before. She was wearing it and I told her I liked it and she immediately took it off and gave it to me. She was like that. That was also the last time I ever saw her alive. She died on January 31 of 2001. I thought about her while I got ready to go out. It was really just a series of moments, but she was very special and I can still remember how she looked and what her voice sounded like. She was one the relatives I came out to when I was finally telling more people and she was really lovely.
Also on my way out I traded calls and message with Mark Adams. He and his daughter Raven are watching most of the mainline Marvel Multiverse entries, in release order, as that’s how Raven wants to do it. I gave them a list and they’ve been following it. He said that they’ve finished “Thor: Love & Thunder” and will begin “She-Hulk: Attorney at Law” soon. They had been watching “Moon Knight” the last time I saw them, which means they’ve also seen “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” and “Ms. Marvel” since then, which I hadn’t thought of, so I didn’t ask what they thought of them. I’ll have to remember to talk about that next time.
I went for another walk today. It was overcast, very warm and extremely humid but I enjoyed the exercise. I had to stop at the pharmacy on the way home to fill a prescription that I’ll be out of before we return from FL. It was so HOT in that store. I was sweating a lot. When I got home my shirt was soaked through and I showered for the second time – I usually shower and shave before I leave as well, like I did today.
And then I sat down to write this while I ate. I really shouldn’t eat at my computer but I keep doing it just the same.
Today’s journal title song quote is from “The Only Living Boy in New York” by Simon & Garfunkel, which is the eighth track from the duo’s fifth and final studio album, “Bridge over Troubled Water”. The song was also issued as the B-side of the duo’s “Cecilia” single. I’d heard a lot of their music growing up, “The Sound of Silence” being one my mother’s favorite songs, but somehow I’d never heard this one (or I at least I didn’t remember it) until it was used in the final scene of the HBO film version of Larry Kramer’s “The Normal Heart” (2014), which I didn’t see until September 19, 2016 – and it was fucking incredible. I’ve since seen it at least twice more, and I’ll likely always associate the song with that movie.
I slept more than 9 hours Saturday night and then cuddled with Aron for about an hour. I managed to get outside again (15 days in a row) and walked to Fort Tryon Park again but the shin / ankle pain was back. I thought I’d sit on the bench outside the park when I got there, relax for a bit and then keep going, which is what I did on Friday, but I found that my phone wasn’t working, which caused some amount of panic and I decided I’d head home instead of going into the park itself. Part of that was pain I was feeling. Part of it was the stress of the phone not working. But another part was that the heat, in the upper 80s, had started to feel oppressive. I made home okay and Aaron handled the phone – although I hope his solution works out. He paid a bill we don’t owe (for a crazy amount of money), thinking they will pay him back which I’m not comfortable with – but it isn’t my money, and he’s usually right about these things.
I took a shower. Our water pressure has had problems lately and this was no different. But we also don’t have much hot water, which hasn’t been a problem for us in years. I don’t like this, but we’re having someone in to look at it.
Season 1 poster for “The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power” which was initially released September 1 – October 14, 2022.
Later, after a delay of about a month, I finally watched the final 2 episodes of Season 1 of The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power which were epic in scope, filled with the sweeping vistas, fantastic acting and production design, and all the other wonderful elements I’ve now come to expect from the series. And I cried a lot. It made Aaron happy that I’m enjoying the show (which he binged earlier this year) and that we can talk about this season in full now. He did spoil one thing accidentally, but I’m actually quite relieved rather than angered. That particular secret seemed far too dragged out for me so his reveal pleased me a great deal. And though I’m happy I get to watch at least 2 more seasons of the series, I love how this ending works. If the series had been cancelled after this season, it would still be wonderful, it would still feel like an excellent prequel to the films and although there are dangling plot threads, none of them seems so overwhelming that this ending could not have been satisfying on its own. I wish more series would do this.
We had a Zoom call with Aaron’s sister, which was lovely. I’d called her from the car on Saturday and she requested my presence in their weekly chat. It was all enjoyable but I left them for bed around 10.
I slept relatively well Sunday night. No cuddles in the morning as I woke up very hungry and thirsty. My stomach has not been as well behaved today as it has been the last few days, and so I began working on my website, which I’ve now done all day. I’ve not been outside yet, but I’d like to get out for a bit so that I don’t lose my record! But I don’t know if I’m up to going to Aaron’s pool game tonight, because I don’t know that I’m up for being out late. I have a doctor’s appointment that I have to travel for tomorrow and then Wednesday we travel, flying to Florida to check on our house there, which has apparently suffered some damage from the last occupants. I love our house in FL and I like going there, but I always find travel to be a bit stressful, so I’m not looking forward to that part.
Today’s song quote title is from Depeche Mode’s “Blasphemous Rumors”, from their excellent 1984 album, “Some Great Reward”.
I slept well. Another morning of Aaron cuddles. We spoke to Mary Ellen, my sister Janice and my grandmother Frances for Mother’s Day. And I went for a walk. 8th Day outside in a row! I walked to the grocery store for salad dressing and picked up a few other items, all healthier than I sometimes do, and I wasn’t even tempted for sweets or chips. That’s not always the case. Aaron cleaned up a bunch of stuff that only he could do and we just seem to be having a nice day.
My haul from the grocery store. 05-10-26.
On my walk, I listened to a mix of Tori Amos songs, and I put on the Tori shirt that Sean gave me 25 years ago. It was just 10 minutes or so of giving him a moment. It was nice. Respectful. Healing. Sometimes I need to do that with people I’ve lost along the way.
Coming back into our building after walking to Staples. 05-08-26.
I had another productive day. No cleaning, but I did upload about 40 poems and got a massive amount finished on the Marvel Multiverse viewing order (draft) which will one day be living here. I also got outside again. That’s 6 days in a row. I hadn’t been out 5 days in a row in months (at the very least) but 6 days seems like a miracle and I have plans to head to Pennsylvania with Aaron tomorrow, so hopefully that all goes well and I’m outside again. It means a lot to me, but I also feel a little embarrassed that my life has gotten so insular that this feels like such a huge win. But it is!
Pretty flower bed with only a little bit of trash in it. 05-08-26.
They released some more promotional art for this Tuesday’s Punisher Special Presentation, which of course I used in a collage, because when don’t I?
The “One Last Kill” banner was released today. I combined it with posters of Frank’s previous appearances in “Daredevil: Season 2”, Seasons 1 & 2 “The Punisher” & Season 1 of “Daredevil: Born Again”.
As far as food goes, I had a bit that wasn’t so great. I mean, I had junk food. I had chips. And later I had some garlic bread with chia seeds. But I also had 2 smoothies. I also drank a lot of water, which I also had yesterday. Tomorrow food will be…interesting, and possibly challenging as I’ll be a in a group of mostly strangers. I’ll probably have a smoothie before we leave but Aaron has seen to it that we’re going out for Italian food after and there’s a Pizza Margherita where we’re going and I usually do pretty well with those. Thanks Aaron! He scoped all the options out in advance. I just thanked him out loud and gave him a kiss.
I’m very tired. But I’ve been awake since about 3am. I will likely at least get ready for bed soon. I want to try calling Mark Adams first though. We’ve not spoken in a few days and I want to hear his thoughts on Daredevil.
I went for a relatively brief walk, but I did get outside, which was the goal. And walking a few blocks is better than not walking any at all, which is what I would have been doing otherwise. I would have gone further but there was something in my boot, which was hurting my foot and it was much more windy than I expected and I quickly got something in my eye! But that’s 3 days out in a row. Tomorrow might be difficult as the forecast says rain, but I’ll try anyways.
When I got home I took some pictures. I constantly need more pictures, which this place helps keep me on top of. I’m hungry. I’ll have something. I’m trying to lose weight. And I just weighed myself. The last time I was weighed I was at somewhere around 220lbs. I’ve lost 15 pounds since then! But I’m still so much heavier than I used to be. And while taking photos I tried to put on a leather shirt that my friend Paul gave me decades ago, but it didn’t even come close to fitting. It was always snug, even when I was at my thinnest, but it was shocking to see by how much I couldn’t close it! I know that I was unhealthy when I was thin, and that I’m probably better off now, but I’m keen to find the happy medium, where I’m thinner but still healthy. I think I’m doing the right things, having made so many little adjustments to my diet and obviously getting out more means moving more which means more exercise. So I’m probably doing very well actually. I know that I’m eating far less sugar and salt and fat, so this can only lead to happier results at my doctor appointments.
That I can think about these things without being triggered and freaking out also shows how far I’ve come. That inner terror has been closer to the surface but so far I’ve been able to fight it off. And that feels good too.
Though, here comes another migraine to make my day less pleasant. My medication will be shipped soon, so hopefully that helps. I wonder if this is because of the storm that it moving in? What does it matter? I think I have every migraine trigger known to exist! At least I excel at something! I guess I’ll get ready for bed. I can finish Daredevil tomorrow.
