I accompanied Aaron to his appointment Thursday (10-15-26). There was a bit of stress heading home. I think I need more practice driving, or at least driving in the area, so I’ll probably start driving us to the appointments as well. Exposure therapy, as it were. I’ve done that before, with lots of things, and it always helps. I need practice driving around here, and just driving our car, whom we call Ruby. lol
I didn’t do much yesterday. I’ve been negotiating with my younger self. Getting us to do things that are healthier for us, while striving to not piss him off or make him feel unheard. It’s going pretty well for now, which is a relief. I had therapy early this morning (10-16-26) and I have a couple of other doctor appointments next week. We may go to the Botanical Gardens tomorrow as an early celebration of our 15 year anniversary; Aaron will be busy on the actual day (10-22-26). The migraine that I’ve been struggling with all week is less pervasive today, but it’s very near the surface and we’re going to get rain later, which almost always makes these things worse.
I wrote a new poem today about a boy that I dated years ago; I like this piece more than most I’ve written lately – and I like how the art turned out as well, which is pictured above. I also uploaded 3 more NSFW Photo Collages. I’ll try to watch another Avatar episode later. Really, I just want to keep my head down today and try to eat more sensibly.
Today’s journal entry song quote title comes from “Crash Into Me” by the American rock band Dave Matthews Band, from their 1996 second studio album. The song was a hit single, and I actually shared a remix of the song on a mixed CD that I gifted to the boy I wrote about this morning, which might be why I’m thinking of him today, because I’ve had the song stuck in my head since yesterday.
Sunday (10-11-26) there was a huge storm, with flood warnings for much of Manhattan. I was still having trouble eating and I wasn’t sure why. Aaron and I were talking and I remembered that when we watched Season 3 of “Heartstopper” a few months ago, that the disordered eating scenes hit me really hard but I couldn’t remember why. I later looked up what I wrote about it in my blog at the time, and I read that to Aaron. He commented that he loved my writing, which is something he’s told me many times, but it somehow always surprises me. Later, remembering how I would starve as a child until I felt safe, I realized that this was the problem. There’s an ongoing conversation between me as I am now, and my childhood self. It began in 2006, and has continued over the years as it has proven useful to me, but every now and again I lose sight of this, and it always ends badly when I do. I realized I had not fed my childhood self in a long while, which is to say that when I changed my diet this year I had assured him that this wasn’t a problem and that we weren’t excluding foods that made him feel safe, even if I was eating them less often. I let him know I was going to get him some food he could eat and I started relaxing almost instantly – even as the conversation continued. I calmed him down. I got him what he needed. And things improved drastically. I walked through the heavy rainfall to Starbucks for me, and to the grocery store to get him some chips. That probably sounds crazy, but it’s effective. Nobody took notice of him when I was a kid, when I was him, and so I look after him. Aaron says it sounds like I’m parenting him, and I suppose that’s true.
Lately, things have been really rough. A lot of stress has been coming my way. And a lot of different triggers. I think I’ve managed most of these problems successfully. But I’m just noting that things haven’t been this rough in a long time. I’ve started taking Xanax again, a bit more often than I usually do. I used to take it every day, for years. But I learned other coping skills and those are usually enough. I keep a prescription open and I do use it when I need it, but I’ve needed it more lately. I’m glad that I have it and I feel I’m using it responsibly. I just need to pay a bit more attention to what is going on in my life to make this so much more difficult than it had been.
Oh. On Sunday I watched the first episode of “Avatar: Seven Havens”, which I enjoyed. The episode, plus 2 others, were released on Friday. I’ve only seen a few “Avatar: The Last Airbender” episodes, which I started a few years ago, but didn’t stick with it – even though I enjoyed it a lot. I decided to start over and watched the first 3 or 4 episodes, which again, I enjoyed. I’d really like to see more of his universe and I know it would mean a lot to my cousin Katie, who loves it. It’s not that it doesn’t interest me, but I feel like it’s increasingly difficult for me to stay focused on any one thing, which bothers me, but I kind of like the idea of watching the new series as it unfolds, while catching up on the older stuff. Hopefully I can stay focused on it. I mean, even with everything they’ve announced there’s less than 300 installments, and many of those won’t be available in the near future, so I have no excuse really. I’ll try.
I went to bed early, as I’ve been doing lately, and after reading a big chunk of “Magic’s Pawn”, I slept most of the night, getting up with Aaron after we cuddled for about an hour. Later, I realized that my therapy session, which I thought was on Wednesday is actually on tomorrow, when I need to be with Aaron for his therapy, so I had to move the appointment, which brought on more stress. I decided I needed to go for a walk, and it was about 72 degrees out, much warming than the day before, which had been in the high 50s. I walked to Fort Tryon Park, which is my goto, and as I sat on a park bench, “In This Life” by Madonna started playing on my LGBTQ+ Playlist – and this made me laugh as the first line of the song is “Sitting on a park bench”. My life has become a sad 1992 Madonna song. It came out in October too – I remember well, because it was was released around the same time as Anne Rice’s “The Tale of the Body Thief”, which I was reading. I headed home. I took a shower with Aaron and talked through some stuff with him which made us both feel better.
I weighed myself after the shower and I was shocked to see that I’d lost weight, despite wolfing down the chips I got for Little Jason the night before. I’ve basically lost 40 pounds since last year. That’s crazy.
They released the titles of all 8 episodes of VisionQuest today:
I love the the titles. The first is clearly tied to Ultron, who says the line in “Avengers: Age of Ultron”, while the second installment features a reference to the Ship of Theseus, also known as Theseus’s Paradox, which was the crux of an argument made by Hex Vision (in “WandaVision” S01E09 “The Series Finale”) that started White Vision on the journey that we will seemingly finally see in this new series. Very cool. Reviews are out now and while there are people that didn’t like it, they seem to not like it because it’s mired in M.C.U. continuity, but that’s one my favorite things, so I suspect I’ll enjoy it quite a lot. Reviewers who seem to dig the M.C.U. as much as I do seem to have loved it. The episodes are released at 9pm, which might be rough for me. I’ve been going to bed really early. But maybe I’ll get up early so I can watch them – or stay awake. We’ll see.
I’m already tired, and I have the beginnings of what could be a really bad migraine, so I’m going to get away from my computer, and I might take some painkiller. I’ve been hesitant to take any lately as I feel I was taking it too often, when often my pain either doesn’t improve from the meds, or often, if I just wait it out, it improves on its own. This feels different though, so I will treat it accordingly.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Jesus to a Child” by English singer / songwriter (and gay pop culture icon) George Michael, from his 1996 third solo studio album, “Older”. The song is a melancholic tribute to Michael’s late lover, Anselmo Feleppa, who died of AIDS related complications in 1993. George Michael was one one of my rare celebrity crushes and I wept for him when he died on Christmas day, 2016, nearly 10 years ago, at the age of 53. One of the odd vagaries of existence, is that if you live long enough, when others don’t, you can eventually be older than them. When he died I was 42, but next year, if I’m lucky enough to live that long, I too will be 53. It fucks with my head. I mean, if I live to be 54, I will be the one who is OLDER. So weird. So sad.
Saturday (09/26/26) Aaron and I did go see Avengers: Endgame Encore, which we both enjoyed. The theater was mostly sold out – not every seat was full, but every row was nearly full, with just a seat here or there empty. I wasn’t sure how many people would go to see a release of a 7 year old film, even with a few new scenes. It was a good time. People cheered, gasped, clapped, laughed and cried in the appropriate scenes, even though most of them had seen the film before. I cried 3 times myself. The new material amounted to 2 fun introductions + a new final scene & 3 credit scenes. All of it was amazing. Aaron and I are both very hyped for Avengers: Doomsday in December and various other upcoming Marvel projects.
I was very uncomfortable before leaving for the film. I was bleeding a little from my surgery (which was expected), but it was not pleasant. But I pushed through because Aaron was so excited to see the movie and I’m glad I did because it really was a fun experience. And because I knew the movie very well, I didn’t feel bad heading to the bathroom a couple of times. We didn’t end up watching any Star Trek. We still haven’t actually. When I do think of watching Strange New Worlds, Aaron isn’t around. And when he’s around, I don’t want to watch it at all. It just hasn’t been good enough. And also, I’ve just not been watching much of anything lately – while Aaron has been watching more than ever. I think he’s binged all of “Loki” since seeing the movie. I don’t think I’ve watched anything.
On Sunday (09-27-26) we stayed in. and mostly worked on our own projects. He mostly watched TV and played video games. I worked on my website and also played video games. I’m still playing Breath of the Wild. Still reading Magic’s Pawn. Nothing much has changed really. Oh. Except that on Sunday I weighed myself and I was down to 180.4.
I’ve said this a lot lately, but again, this is the lowest I’ve weighed in years. I’m still about 10 lbs over what I used to weigh most of the time, but I’ve come a long way. I’ve lost 40 lbs since last year and 30.6 of those lbs have been lost in the last 6 months. I’m doing really good work on my health. I feel good. There are other parts of my life that need work, but it’s a balance and a process and I think healthy ties into nearly everything else, so that’s really good.
Also, the pain from my September 18th procedure is gone now. That’s nice. And in the last few months I’ve struggled to feel sexual in any way, and I feel like some of that is coming back, due in part to several therapies and self-love type experiments. And all of that is contributing to my sense of wellbeing. There’s a lot of stress in my life currently, having to do with money and people that I love who need help (not with money) and I want to be there for them, and I’m worried that I’ll fuck that up somehow. But otherwise, I’m doing pretty well.
On Monday (09-28-26) I went out with Aaron to attend one of his pool games at the Metropolitan Bar in Brooklyn. I’d been there before with him, but it had been several years. Fun was had. I met several new players, one of whom, Parker, carried on a fun conversation. I also met random bar people (Tyler, Michael & Joseph), who entertained me. Those 3 and a 4th are roommates who live in Ridgewood. Michael and Joseph are brothers; Michael is 7 years older than Joseph, in his 30s while Joseph is 26 – they’re both from Georgia. Tyler is from Minnesota. They were so much fun to talk to. I hope we cross paths again someday, or if not, that they just continue to be fun people.
I stayed in on Tuesday (09-29-26). I had therapy, which was productive. And I got a lot of work done on my Marvel Multiverse Guide, finding a new format that seems to be perfect – except later I found that there was a problem that I either need to solve now or run into it multiple times, which would be exhausting. So I had to stop. Which was frustrating. So, I did a rudimentary guide forA Song of Ice and Fire, so I could feel like I finished something! lol
Aaron went to choir for the first time this season. I was working on all that and had some success and something I’ve struggled with for years. It doesn’t mean I’m cured, but it’s a positive experience and that’s good. Later I spoke to my grandmother on the phone before heading to bed, just as Aaron arrived home. I slept from about 10 to about 3. I got up to pee and came back to bed but the TV was on and it seemed to be too bright. I couldn’t tell if it was actually brighter than normal and that I should risk adjusting it (and possibly waking Aaron) or if I was just being hypersensitive to any light (which can be a problem for me), so I just decided to get up. I knew I wanted to work on my site. I worked on several collages, which will be posted at a later time – as I want to randomize them and post several at once. Then I wrote a poem, inspired by that collage. And then I wrote this blog entry.
I need to go shower with Aaron now (or cuddle if there is time).
All the songs from this Troye Sivan album are still stuck in my brain, so I just picked another of the songs today. “Fools” is where this blog entry title springs from, from “Blue Neighborhood”.
Today was tough. A lot of serious discussions with Aaron: money, banking, trust, communication – but all of it was productive. Later there was therapy with Anna, who backed up everything I was thinking and feeling, supportive but honest. I followed that up with a long overdue conversation with Katie and also went for a two-mile walk, which was complicated by my cold symptoms – my nose would not stop running. But I was walking pretty quickly with no leg pain and realizing just how strong I’ve become.
Oh. Before all of that, this morning I had egg white, with chia seeds, some seasoning & a bit of parmesan cheese. And a bit after 1 I weighed myself, figured I’d probably gained a bit of weight, a normal amount of weight, but I’d actually lost some, even with the food. 182.8lbs. I’m aiming for 168 / 170, so I have a ways to go, but I started at 220, so I’m doing great. Even with a cold, less exercise and being a little less strict with my diet. That is astounding to me. I was 211 in March, so I’ve lost over 28 lbs in 6 months – and initially, I wasn’t even trying to lose weight, but just making some healthier choices. Crazy.
When I got home from my walk., I showered off the sweat and worked on my website for a few hours, adding more details to my new DC Extended Universe / DCU page. It’s ironic that I’m putting so much effort into something that I don’t actually enjoy that much. To me, this series of films and TV are sometimes fantastic but more often horrible, while the MCU is usually fantastic and sometimes…less so. Which is weird, because I like DC comics more than I like Marvel, and I’ve also enjoyed more DC adaptations over the years than Marvel. But I guess the MCU is very clearly something special, even removed from the comics conversation, as it is easily the highest grossing film franchise in history.
I’m tired. I’m not too hungry but I just had an olive / hummus egg wrap, as I’ll need to fast starting at 1am through my doctor’s appointment at 1pm. Just water and medication or it will fuck up my bloodwork and I don’t want that again. I also have a video appointment in the morning for a possibly hypnotherapist (though I’m not sure that’s the right title, which is part of what the interview will clear up); this particular therapist has been recommended by two of my doctors, wholly separate from one another, so I’m checking her out and we’ll see how that goes.
I might go to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open.
Today’s song quote journal entry title is from “Fascination Street”, by English rock band the Cure from their eighth studio album, “Disintegration” (1989), though I first heard the extended version, which was included on the Cure’s 1990 remix album “Mixed Up”, the first Cure album I ever owned, and the first CD I ever bought.
Tuesday, August 25, 2026. I ate. I had a bit of a headache. I ran some errands for Aaron, returning some items he’d accidentally shipped to our apartment. I piled them in a cart we keep and wheeled them over to Staples. The cart is just short enough that I have to bend a bit and it often hurts my back, but this trip wasn’t so bad. And I felt good to be helping Aaron as he’s pretty overwhelmed with all that he’s already doing. This week we’ve had several conversations and it’s been great to hear his voice and how much he misses me.
After returning home I was tempted to go back out and walk but I needed to eat, which meant I needed to sit down for a bit. The break became longer and longer as I was distracted by other projects, but in the evening I headed out for what was a 2.5 mile hike to the park and back. It was astonishing to see how much stronger I’ve become. My stamina has definitely increased. It was exercise, but essentially, all of it was pleasurable. No pains in my legs. No exhausted breathing. It’s only 2.5 miles. But a few months ago, that was enough to do me in. Again, I’ve never exercised in any concentrated sort of way and then seen demonstrable results, be it weight loss, strength or endurance levels increasing. So, this is like a fairytale I’ve read about before, now come to life. And the views from my favorite Manhattan park just increase that sense of living a real life fantasy adventure.
I slept well Tuesday night. Wednesday (08-26-26) I started the day as I’ve grown accustomed to. I had a blueberry zucchini coffee smoothie. I’ve been doing that every day lately and in the evening I have a cherry zucchini chocolate smoothie. They’re packed with healthy ingredients but they feel like treats. Otherwise, I mostly drink water and eat healthy snacks and meals – or as healthy as I can make them. That day was the last that I weighed myself but I was 185.4 lbs that day. I may have gained a little since then, as that’s normal, but that’s the lowest I’ve weighed in at least 6 years.
I got distracted by several projects I was working on for most of the day and was shocked when I realized I only had an hour to get ready and walk over to Zumba Class. Just as I was running across the apartment to get cleaned up, the downstairs neighbor stopped by to ask me if I was ready for the “traffic” that would be coming through our apartment the next day. I’d spoken to the Super myself and he’d said they would stop by around 2 but would be done by 3 (as I had a therapy appointment) and that it would be pretty low key. But my neighbor said he felt it would take a lot longer and he made me so angry and stressed. I told him that I didn’t want to be rude but I was running late, which was completely true, but even then the conversation went on longer than expected and everything he said was pissing me off. I just tried to calm down while I got ready as fast as I could, assuring myself that if I was a little late, I could just join in, just as Aaron and I had done on our first time in.
As I hustled over to Zumba, which is about 10 blocks from where we live, I got on the phone with Aaron, talking through everything, which helped. I arrived exactly on time. The class went really well. I made it through the entire session this week(!) and I even got a special shout out from the instructor when I visibly relaxed and just enjoyed the routine. I also got to speak a little bit with some of the other members who are starting to recognize me now – even if it was to tell everyone I won’t be back for 3 weeks. I like visiting family, and seeing new places, but it’s such a disruption of my life here that it always bothers me a bit – plus, this is so new that I don’t want to get out of the habit of going. It’s been such a nice surprise – a real gift to myself. I’m also a little worried that I might fall back into some bad habits in Michigan. If not by accident, then simply by having to settle for a less healthy option, in order to stay fed in an environment that has always been hard for me to eat in at all. Perhaps just being aware of that will make a difference? I sure hope so.
After class I headed over to the A train at 168th, taking it two stops north, to 181st so I could hustle to the grocery store for more Zucchini, Pita Bread & Hummus, then another stop at the Vitamin Shop to pick up an order of Protein Powder that had come in for Aaron and I. And as I walked home from working out in a gym class, from stopping at the grocery store for healthy food and a vitamin shop for healthy ingredients… How the fuck did I go from eating chips every day of my life and having ice cream on a daily basis for the last 18 years, to THIS!?! And that’s why I talk about it all the time. Because this is NOT normal behavior for me. And it’s all stuff that I’ve struggled with my whole life. Decades of fear and anguish, working through depression and anxiety, agoraphobia, etc., and now I’m out and about doing these things? It’s astounding.
On a side note, I have vitiligo, and there’s almost no pigment in my face, which I’ve known for decades at this point, but I seldom ever see it. But when I work out, a lot of blood rushes to my head – and then it is really clear. Because where there’s no pigment my skin is very red, like I have a really bad sunburn. It’s a little jarring to see. And a little scary for someone who avoids being in the sun without protection. But it’s also kind of funny.
I took another Xanax that night to calm down from the worry of the next day, and I slept for about 12 hours, which was clearly needed! On Thursday, August 27, 2026, I felt rested. I felt good. The Super and some other guys stopped by a bit after 2 and they made sure to be out by 3 for my therapy appointment. The tested the shower, doing various things. They did confirm a leak but they thought it was coming from a pipe in our wall. They wanted to come back to open the wall and said tomorrow (08-28) wouldn’t work, but when I explained that I’m flying to Michigan on Sunday and won’t be back until the 9th of September, they said they’d make it work and that they’d be back around 11am. No stress there at all. Therapy was a breeze, which isn’t to say that it wasn’t needed or wasn’t of value. It just means that the things I’ve been working on the last few years have been mostly successful, and I’m sure we’ll either find new challenges to face or possibly bring this segment of therapy to a close. That happens in therapy. You work with someone you feel good about for a certain amount of time and take in all that you can, but then you move on to other problems, and possibly other teachers. That’s been my experience at least.
I worked on my website all day, which was glorious. I feel bad that I didn’t get any exercise that day, but I think I also needed some time and the stumbling blocks that often keep me from working on this or that thing on this site, they just fell away and I was kicking ass the entire time. Most of the work was done on the Chronologies: Viewing / Reading Orders section. I felt like I could go for hours and hours more. In fact, I didn’t get to sleep until after midnight and would happily have stayed up longer, only I knew I had to be up and ready and fed before the crew got here this morning, as they were going to be working in both the bathroom and the kitchen.
Speaking of which, it is now Friday, August 28, 2026. They opened the wall. The pipes are dry. It all seems to be working fine in there. So now they think the leak is caused by a broken seal in the shower – only I’m not convinced that this makes any sense. The location of it means that it would be wet every time we shower, and they don’t have a leak every time we shower. Indeed, they’ve reported this leak when we’ve been in other countries. But the contractor says this is impossible and that they neighbors lie to get attention drawn to the problem they are actually having. That does seem likely to me, but they’ve confirmed there is a leak. And if they want to add a seal where they think there should be one, that doesn’t seem like a problem to me; in fact I welcome the added protection. But I’ll be surprised if this is the source of the problem. I guess we’ll find out when we get home in mid-September. They will keep their ceiling open that whole time, and when we get back, they’ll let us shower for two weeks to see if they still have a leak or not. If not, they close the ceiling and they paint our wall (which they are patching right now) and we’re all good. But if not, the search continues.
I need to not take a shower 24 hours after they put the seal on so I wish they would do it asap. I won’t feel like I need a shower until later, after I (hopefully) go for a walk, but I’ll just rinse in the sink and make the best of it until tomorrow. He said I could do it tomorrow morning, but it’s already almost 1pm. I’m really glad I took that late shower before bed last night! And I guess we’ll just see how the rest of the day goes.
Actually, I already wrote this, which took me a couple of hours. And I also uploaded 3 new NSFW Photo Collages. I’m getting hungry but the kitchen is still covered in plastic and I’m not sure when they will finish up. Maybe I’ll finally break down and get some pizza? I don’t think I’ve had any since we were in FL. I could also freeze the leftovers so I had food when we get back from our trip. There’s potential there, but I’m not married to the idea. We’ll see.
Today’s journal title song quote comes from “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out”, a song by the English rock band the Smiths, written by guitarist Johnny Marr and lead vocalist Morrissey. Featured on the band’s 1986 third studio album “The Queen Is Dead”, it was not released as a single in the United Kingdom until 1992, five years after their break-up, to promote the compilation album “…Best II”. It peaked at No. 25 on the UK Singles Chart and No. 22 on the Irish Singles Chart. The song has received considerable critical acclaim; in 2014, NME listed it as the 12th-greatest song of all time and in 2021, it was ranked at No. 226 on Rolling Stone’s list of the “500 Greatest Songs of All Time”.
What happened this week? Well, I got outside a few times but stayed in a lot as well, mostly because we keep getting alerts that our air quality is poor and on some days there have been alerts that it could be dangerous for anyone to go outside. Nightmarish stuff.
Wednesday I watched the new X-Men ’97 episode (S02E05 “Weapon X, Lies, and DVDs”) and another of the original animated series (S03E19 “Love in Vain”) – which means I have 2 seasons left of the original show and 4 more of the current season of the newer program. Later that night I had a bit of a freakout about food. I wanted to cut for the first time in a long time, and many of the things I would normally do to ride that wave out weren’t possible. It was incredibly hot outside. Our water was being worked on so I couldn’t take a shower. And I couldn’t actually tackle food because the water line is in the kitchen, so there was a guy in there working on it, and the counters were covered with his tools. It was tricky, but I was able to communicate with Aaron, who was wonderful.
Once I’d calmed down, we started watching Season 3 of Heartstopper. I watched the initial season in a single sitting before getting Aaron into it. We binged Season 2 together the day it was released but I’ve put off watching Season 3 because I knew it had a major storyline about disordered eating – and I was worried that could be triggering (which it was) – but the film that wraps up the whole series was released today so now’s the time to watch it all.
The thing is, at a certain point, the character in question speaks to his parents about it, having written down his thoughts in advance, and asks for help. I did that too, 30 years ago, in late May of 1996. The character also says that he feels like something horrible will happen if he eats. That was jarring. That’s what happens with me. And I’ve never heard anyone else describe it that way. I told my therapist about this on Thursday and she said she’d also never heard anyone describe it like that. The reason is, the character also has OCD (which I don’t), so he has all these rules in place about how and when he can eat. But that’s where we are different. My disordered eating is the result of trauma, related to food, but the food part is essentially a symptom of my PTSD. Still, it was very similar. And hearing it outloud on a TV show I was crying. And Aaron, who has heard me all this time, he was crying. And we were also both crying because the character’s boyfriend is in a similar position to what Aaron has had to learn and struggle with due to my condition. It really resonated. Due to the ongoing story we watched the season in bursts, rather than in one go, so I could make sure that I was okay. But we finished the last episode a bit ago (On Friday, July 17, 2026) and we’ll watch the movie tomorrow. The season has been rough, but very good and I’m hoping the movie wraps the stories up nicely.
As mentioned already, I saw my therapist (in person) on Thursday. I wore a Catherine Wheel shirt. I’ve really enjoyed getting dressed up and going out lately. Maybe it’s because I’ve lost some weight? Or maybe it’s because I’ve come to the conclusion that wearing sunblock, which I’ve always hated but needed due to my vitiligo, is probably why I look so much younger than basically everyone I grew up with – so I look forward to wearing it now. My appointment went well. I had a lot to talk about with the TV story and how I’d dedicated the black iced tea to my mom the week before. She was surprised that it has been 5 years since my mother died. We’d had 2 or 3 weeks off from each other when I told her originally, and I will always remember her shock that my mother had passed, and how I was dealing with it, and all the things that came with that.
I went to bed early last night. I didn’t really sleep well though, doing my old split shift routine, where I sleep for 4 hours, get up for a few, then lay back down for another couple of hours. It’s fine. I felt rested. And I ate well today. A lot of fruit, veggies, water, smoothies, nuts and seeds. I just ordered some more varieties to try in the coming days. I’m very tired but wanting to finish this before I sleep. I did several collages for my photos section. I wrote a new poem the other day, though I’m not sure I like it. I need to start posting more poetry again soon, and movie reviews. I was doing so well at first but it’s become a bit intimidating; I don’t like trying to find where I left off – I’m so disorganized!
Today’s journal entry title music quote is from “Crank” by Catherine Wheel, from their 1993 album “Chrome”. I didn’t discover the band until 1993, but I found them by randomly picking up their first CD – and they became my favorite group. I also didn’t learn that the second album existed until 1995 when they used to play this song at City Club in Detroit. I was so associated with the song that one of my friends (Steve) came rushing to tell me that my song was being played. I’ve probably shared this song here before and likely will again. Love this band. Love this track. Love this album.
When I saw my dietician on Wednesday, she gave me a mountain of new information to incorporate into my life. I was grateful. I told her I was, because although she communicated a lot of information that wasn’t always easy to hear, she did this with compassion and humor, with wit and with care. I have already tried several things she recommended, which have been emotionally complicated to say the least. But she gave me some worksheets with some notes and I sat down today to try to make sense of them. I asked Aaron questions as he’s quite educated on these topics and he loves me, so he’s very careful with what he says and how he presents things, but he’s also clearly excited to see that I’m considering these things in a healthier way than I ever have in the past.
We put in a grocery order, which features mostly healthy foods and several of which I’ve never tried before. And I’m thinking about meals in the day and what they need to accomplish, which isn’t really how I’ve done this sort of thing in the past. I did try a few times, in therapy, but figuring out this or that food and the ramifications of them really dragged me down. This feels different, but like an extension of the work I did there. I think I’m going to have an interesting conversation with my therapist this week.
I’m excited for the possibilities of my personal growth in these matters, but I also know that I’m going to need to practice what I’m learning. I don’t want to be complacent or to fail because I’m not paying enough attention. The part of me which has been trapped within the trauma of my childhood is paying attention and so far, he seems curious, even if he throws a tantrum now and again. I think he knows I’m trying to help him just much as I’m trying to help myself and that’s appreciated. It’s only when I ignore him that things get really bad.
I took care of some banking stuff. I’ve been handling my “banking stuff” for something like 10 years now? And off and on before that. But it used to be very stressful. And right now, it’s not. And that’s nice.
I bought a Xanadu shirt. It was on sale.
I also tried to write down what I need to accomplish at my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My doctors are awesome, which is why I see them, but I can really struggle with talking to them about the things that matter. It’s like my brain falls out of my head every time I go into those places. I’ve worked to overcome that, with some positive effect, but it’s still a struggle. Part of that work has involved preparation, like I’m doing now. Hopefully I can avoid any real trouble tomorrow and pave the way for more positive experiences in the near future.
I would like to speak to Jessica A. Gerson, PhD, about possibly joining one of her groups. She’s a psychologist who does group work, sometimes involving hypnosis, to help people dealing with G.I. disorders. Both my therapist and my G.I. doctor have separately recommended Dr. Gerson to me, which is kind of funny, because my G.I. doctor and my therapist are friends also. I like that they all know one another. They can also all see each others notes in my file, which is how I feel all medical teams should be – as they’re all treating me, I’d rather they have all the information to work with. I can’t make an appointment (or broach the subject) with Dr. Gerson today though because of office hours. I’d like to try to do so before my therapy appointment later this week, just so I can tell my therapist I did. I mean, I want to do it for myself, but I’m also aware that I’ve been talking to my therapist about it, off and on, for at least a year – and I had totally forgotten about it in recent weeks, even with my other doctor also recommending the treatment. I don’t want to lose this chance because I can’t focus on it.
I need to reapply for my Snap Benefits which I could do today. It has to be done by August and I do want to do it today but I also need to find time to eat and spend time with Aaron, and I also want to go for a real walk, as I haven’t done so in days. Actually yesterday marked the first day I didn’t go outside at all after 41 consecutive days going out. I was exhausted yesterday, barely sleeping the night before and I wanted to push through and go out but then our elevator was down again and I just thought, fuck off. Instead I got ready for bed and I slept very well. But I want to get outside today. I don’t want there to be a habit of not going out.
Also, I need to remember that I want to try to get in touch with Alec on the second floor. And Isaiah. And Christopher. Actually, Christopher spoke about me going to a bar with him this Tuesday. Maybe I can do that? We’ll see.
Today’s journal entry song quote comes from “Magic” by Olivia Newton-John from the soundtrack to the 1980 movie musical, “Xanadu”. My sister had this record when I was a kid, the 45. I could read the word Xanadu and assumed it was the company logo of the record company, somewhat ironically, given some of the subject matter in the film. I also thought the song was about my sister. I later caught the TV premiere of the film, by accident, and was shocked to learn that this was where the music came from. A few years later, when we had a VCR, I recorded it of television and it became a favorite of mine. I owned the soundtrack on cassette and CD. I have a digital copy. And though it’s become a somewhat iconic gay favorite, it feels very personal to me, and while I’m happy that others enjoy it, I think I would hate to see it in a theater where everyone was singing along to the film. But I feel the same way about the Rocky Horror Picture Show – which I’ve seen with the audience participation multiple times, but I knew then, that aside from seeing friends perform, I’d much rather see the film at home. And that’s really how I am now with movies in general.
On May 13, Wednesday morning my therapist reached out and asked if we might meet at 1:50, rather than 2pm as she had another obligation. I agreed. Usually when I have something scheduled later in the day I don’t go out at all because I never know what will happen and I’m worried I’ll miss what I have planned, but it was expected to rain later and I really wanted to get outside again and to the park. I told myself not to worry because really I just needed to get outside and I didn’t have to go far. When I got outside I headed to Starbucks. I got a larger drink than what I usually get these days; I got an iced grande dirty soy chai and I guess from Tuesday’s trip that I could probably get to the park and home before my appointment. I walked to the park up Fort Washington. On Tuesday I had cut through the 181st Street station, which has an elevator that takes you up the hill I was now walking up, but it was fine. I walked by Bennett Park and nearly stopped there but I just kept going.
The weather was nicer than I expected and I was in a good mood. Fort Tryon Park has long been my favorite NYC park and it’s just so beautiful. I didn’t stay in the park long though, because again, there was an expectation of rain, an appointment I needed to attend, and along with all that, I inhaled a beautiful flowery scent that seemed to be lilacs, though I couldn’t see any – only for this to cause me to start coughing, which I couldn’t stop. I was very grateful that I got that beverage and that I’d barely sipped it on my walk because it helped on my way home. I had taken the A Train home the previous day as it’s part of my therapy to ride trains, but even though I felt up to walking I took the train for all the reasons I just listed for not staying in the park. It was the right call. I was able to get home, get cleaned up and prepare for my appointment, which went very well.
I didn’t go out after that. I just relaxed. I did watch the “The Punisher: One Last Kill”, which I enjoyed. It made me cry. It’s brutal but so is the character, and my only real complaints were that it felt too similar to earlier Punisher stories even if it made a point of taking the character in a new direction and that it had very few ties to any of the other Marvel stories featuring the character of late. But everything else was impressive and a counter argument could also be made for what was or wasn’t onscreen, so I think it works.
For the record, I think my preferred viewing order for 2027 set M.C.U. projects goes like this:
01 Daredevil: Born Again Season 1 (9 episodes) 02 Captain America: Brave New World 03 The Punisher: One Last Kill 04 The Fantastic 4: First Steps 05 Daredevil: Born Again Season 2 (8 episodes) 06 Thunderbolts*
I slept well, more or less Wednesday. I slept well into the morning, getting up around 9:30am. Aaron was gone for the day. Another report about rain on the way and lower temperatures, I again wanted to get to the park. I took the A train there and back as I wasn’t really dressed for the weather but didn’t want to change and I had some pain in my ankles, that comes and goes, which I plan on talking to my doctor about at our appointment next month. Again, I didn’t stay long at the park. It was more about getting outside. And this marked 13 days out in a row! So that was nice. And I later learned that I’ve lost a pound. That’s a big accomplishment for me. I’ve never once tried to lose weight before, so to see any success is really nice. And while it’s only a pound, I bet other health related things have also improved, given the changes in my diet and being more active.
Once I was home, I was home for the day. I later traded texts with Nathan, which is the first we’ve spoken since Sunday. We seem to be getting along, which is nice. I worked on my site a bit. I’m getting a lot done, but it’s all on stuff that I can’t display until it’s DONE and there’s still so much to do. That’s a little frustrating.
I slept well again. Very well. I also lingered in the bedroom for longer than I expected because Aaron begged me for cuddles. lol I had a smoothie when I finally stumbled out of bed. It’s sunny outside, which is nice. I don’t love being in the sun, but I prefer sunny to overcast.
I just found out I’m in a talent show tomorrow. Aaron says I should read a poem but I’m not sure which piece I should do. I’ll try to look that over, but I’m getting a migraine. That’s sucks, but it’s also been great not having any in several days, and this just means my medication is working. I used to have them nearly every day and the medication I take cuts whatever number you have in half, so I’m likely due for one. I’ll take something for it in a minute. I have so many things I want to do and work on today. We’ll see how that ends up.
We’re leaving for Florida next week. I knew it was happening but it’s creeped up on me all the same. Hopefully that goes well. I realized this morning I’d have to not work on my site while I’m there because my laptop is dead and I can’t take this computer with me (it’s huge) and I can’t really get a lot done via my phone. But Aaron just assured me that we’ll find something that works. He’s brilliant, so I don’t doubt that we’ll find an answer.
Okay. I should get moving.
Today’s lyric headline comes from the song “Emperor’s New Clothes” by Panic! At The Disco, from their 2016 album, “Death of a Bachelor”.
Before I leave but after I wake there is an overwhelming terror; a senseless type of heightened stress triggered by my inner ticking clock, which never trusts and fears interruption.
After I leave but before I arrive there is inspiration, analysis and exploration, a journey into self where understanding will one day hopefully reside – this contemplation is nearly always external, as it’s flooded out of my brain down through my fingertips thumbtacked onto paper pages – an activity I have often despised which has become my truest salvation.
In the breazy 70 sunlight city streets of New York my indoor apathy is burned away to cinders… and I can smile at the rainbow swirls projected before me, which originate in last night’s misery once refracted through the murky depths, the prism of a cuckold’s constant lust which transform that sickening nauseating sensation into chemical reactions associated with sensuality; the impotent erection of the overstimulated yet never truly satisfied bottom.
The reasoning behind transitions is all but lust
– FUCK –
is all but LOST amidst an intensely brief panic when I lose track of my letters, memory once again escaping from the prison of my mind –
How could I have forgotten this horror?
Is this to be my future hell?
WRITE IT DOWN SO YOU CAN’T FORGET!
Time for tests and uncomfortable questions.
A lack of specificity resembles the oft forgotten pattern.
Not names but films, not train letters but direction…
This is NOT like THE ME that I have known until this recent phenomena.
Perfect score on memory test at therapist’s office though there is visual spatial strangeness – my cube doesn’t begin with a square and my clock is a Salvador Dali sketch:
“The Persistence of Memory” becoming an ironic and completely menacing title.
Nothing to worry about, she says and I hear these words, like poetry.
Tip of the Tongue Syndrome and lexical access occurs in stages…
I remain fearful but also amused, inspired and enamored with her decisional words.
Our time is up despite the continued ticking of my misshapen clock.
In the office in the freshly minted safe space, Tina Fey’s lesbian twin speaks to me of exposure exercises, the New Yorker, sexual disconnection & other terrifying topics that (to my credit) only momentarily make me think about hurting myself.
Intense.
But even in the shadow of all of this trauma Bright Young Man Scrubbed & Gleaming catches sight of my mostly random hotness and the moment of recognition / Attraction / Shared Experience SURGES <——————————————-> BETWEEN US signals sent and received with no conscious effort:
