“You Just Might See A Ghost Tonight”

On May 13, Wednesday morning my therapist reached out and asked if we might meet at 1:50, rather than 2pm as she had another obligation. I agreed. Usually when I have something scheduled later in the day I don’t go out at all because I never know what will happen and I’m worried I’ll miss what I have planned, but it was expected to rain later and I really wanted to get outside again and to the park. I told myself not to worry because really I just needed to get outside and I didn’t have to go far. When I got outside I headed to Starbucks. I got a larger drink than what I usually get these days; I got an iced grande dirty soy chai and I guess from Tuesday’s trip that I could probably get to the park and home before my appointment. I walked to the park up Fort Washington. On Tuesday I had cut through the 181st Street station, which has an elevator that takes you up the hill I was now walking up, but it was fine. I walked by Bennett Park and nearly stopped there but I just kept going.

The weather was nicer than I expected and I was in a good mood. Fort Tryon Park has long been my favorite NYC park and it’s just so beautiful. I didn’t stay in the park long though, because again, there was an expectation of rain, an appointment I needed to attend, and along with all that, I inhaled a beautiful flowery scent that seemed to be lilacs, though I couldn’t see any – only for this to cause me to start coughing, which I couldn’t stop. I was very grateful that I got that beverage and that I’d barely sipped it on my walk because it helped on my way home. I had taken the A Train home the previous day as it’s part of my therapy to ride trains, but even though I felt up to walking I took the train for all the reasons I just listed for not staying in the park. It was the right call. I was able to get home, get cleaned up and prepare for my appointment, which went very well.

I didn’t go out after that. I just relaxed. I did watch the “The Punisher: One Last Kill”, which I enjoyed. It made me cry. It’s brutal but so is the character, and my only real complaints were that it felt too similar to earlier Punisher stories even if it made a point of taking the character in a new direction and that it had very few ties to any of the other Marvel stories featuring the character of late. But everything else was impressive and a counter argument could also be made for what was or wasn’t onscreen, so I think it works.

For the record, I think my preferred viewing order for 2027 set M.C.U. projects goes like this:

01 Daredevil: Born Again Season 1 (9 episodes)
02 Captain America: Brave New World
03 The Punisher: One Last Kill
04 The Fantastic 4: First Steps
05 Daredevil: Born Again Season 2 (8 episodes)
06 Thunderbolts*

I slept well, more or less Wednesday. I slept well into the morning, getting up around 9:30am. Aaron was gone for the day. Another report about rain on the way and lower temperatures, I again wanted to get to the park. I took the A train there and back as I wasn’t really dressed for the weather but didn’t want to change and I had some pain in my ankles, that comes and goes, which I plan on talking to my doctor about at our appointment next month. Again, I didn’t stay long at the park. It was more about getting outside. And this marked 13 days out in a row! So that was nice. And I later learned that I’ve lost a pound. That’s a big accomplishment for me. I’ve never once tried to lose weight before, so to see any success is really nice. And while it’s only a pound, I bet other health related things have also improved, given the changes in my diet and being more active.

Once I was home, I was home for the day. I later traded texts with Nathan, which is the first we’ve spoken since Sunday. We seem to be getting along, which is nice. I worked on my site a bit. I’m getting a lot done, but it’s all on stuff that I can’t display until it’s DONE and there’s still so much to do. That’s a little frustrating.

I slept well again. Very well. I also lingered in the bedroom for longer than I expected because Aaron begged me for cuddles. lol I had a smoothie when I finally stumbled out of bed. It’s sunny outside, which is nice. I don’t love being in the sun, but I prefer sunny to overcast.

I just found out I’m in a talent show tomorrow. Aaron says I should read a poem but I’m not sure which piece I should do. I’ll try to look that over, but I’m getting a migraine. That’s sucks, but it’s also been great not having any in several days, and this just means my medication is working. I used to have them nearly every day and the medication I take cuts whatever number you have in half, so I’m likely due for one. I’ll take something for it in a minute. I have so many things I want to do and work on today. We’ll see how that ends up.

We’re leaving for Florida next week. I knew it was happening but it’s creeped up on me all the same. Hopefully that goes well. I realized this morning I’d have to not work on my site while I’m there because my laptop is dead and I can’t take this computer with me (it’s huge) and I can’t really get a lot done via my phone. But Aaron just assured me that we’ll find something that works. He’s brilliant, so I don’t doubt that we’ll find an answer.

Okay. I should get moving.

Today’s lyric headline comes from the song “Emperor’s New Clothes” by Panic! At The Disco, from their 2016 album, “Death of a Bachelor”.

Clocksucker

Before I leave
but after I wake
there is an overwhelming terror;
a senseless type of heightened stress
triggered by my inner ticking clock,
which never trusts
and fears interruption.

After I leave
but before I arrive
there is inspiration,
analysis and exploration,
a journey into self
where understanding
will one day hopefully reside –
this contemplation is nearly always
external, as it’s flooded out of my brain
down through my fingertips
thumbtacked onto paper pages –
an activity I have often despised
which has become my truest salvation.

In the breazy 70 sunlight
city streets of New York
my indoor apathy
is burned away to cinders…
and I can smile
at the rainbow swirls
projected before me,
which originate in last night’s misery
once refracted through the murky depths,
the prism of a cuckold’s constant lust
which transform that sickening nauseating
sensation into chemical reactions
associated with sensuality;
the impotent erection
of the overstimulated
yet never truly satisfied bottom.

The reasoning behind transitions
is all but lust

– FUCK –

is all but LOST amidst an intensely
brief panic when I lose track of my letters,
memory once again escaping from the prison of my mind –

How could I have
forgotten this horror?

Is this to be my future hell?

WRITE IT DOWN
SO YOU CAN’T FORGET!

Time for tests
and uncomfortable questions.

A lack of specificity
resembles the oft forgotten pattern.

Not names but films,
not train letters but direction…

This is NOT like
THE ME
that I have known
until this recent phenomena.

Perfect score on memory test
at therapist’s office
though there is visual spatial strangeness –
my cube doesn’t begin with a square
and my clock is a Salvador Dali sketch:

“The Persistence of Memory”
becoming an ironic and completely menacing title.

Nothing to worry about, she says
and I hear these words,
like poetry.

Tip of the Tongue Syndrome and
lexical access occurs in stages…

I remain fearful but also amused,
inspired and enamored with her decisional words.

Our time is up
despite the continued ticking
of my misshapen clock.

Written by Jason Wright
June 26, 2018

Companions

The monsters
which stand between me
and true understanding
in this world of my own making;
unintentional as they may be
they must still die to set me free.

My mind and body
are split into fragments
which collectively form
the state of my being.

The Man I am proud I am becoming,
(I’ve worked very hard to become that man),
is excited and happy
that someone he loves
will have this opportunity
to explore and experience
that divine feeling of mutual lust
and reciprocal desire,
because I know
that he’s beautiful beyond reason,
beyond any other lover
that I have ever known.

I want him to know this.
I want him to embrace this
and to accept who he truly is.
I want him to know
and feel joy
and accomplishment.
I want him to achieve self-actualization.

A less developed part of me worries
that if he knows how much he is wanted
he may choose to leave me
for multiple partners.

But then again,
why would he do such a thing
when he already has someone
that allows him the embraces of others?

And if he can so easily be seduced from my side
is it worth denying him such knowledge?

I love him and could never hurt him in this way.

My inner child is small and hard
and terrified of what’s to come;
so excited that he may shit his pants,
wet himself, embarrass Daddy
with his hungry child erection,
which comes and goes repeatedly
based on levels of excitement and fear.

These images are too base
and too powerful to be ignored.

The man that I was before,
only years ago now,
is fearful of mistakes repeating themselves;
liars and cheaters and assholes
who could not give me
the attention that I needed
as they abandoned me
to explore all that I secretly desired.

But this time
it’s not a secret.

My Daddy knows
my shame and my lust.

Daddy knows what
hungers make me hard;
what makes my legs wobble
and my knees shake.

Daddy knows that
I call out for him
when I’m alone and stroking
on the edge of understanding,
on the brink of destruction
and the verge of orgasm.

Daddy knows how small I am,
how much Daddy’s cock
overshadows my tiny boyhood penis.

Daddy punishes me;
his words whispered lustfully
into my hungry bottom’s ears;
spanking me with diapers,
fucking my mind and my asshole;
bringing all that I am to the light
that I might solidify
and individuate
from all that has come before now.

Daddy knows that
I crave his calculatedly insincere cruelty
to make me cum;
to take me deeply into lustful spaces
beyond which I’ve yet dared to explore…
Impossible places that I
cannot reach without his loving embrace
of seemingly vicious incantations
which (spoken lovingly)
brutally summon the fragments within me;
bringing me to coalescence in this savage intensity,
this immensity of emotion and sensation
which I want / need to explore
in the paradoxically identical agency
from which his own exploritive needs are encountered;
that wellspring beneath his sense
of sensual worth and attraction
which unites us
in mutual self sexual exploration.

We’re two sides it would seem
of the same themed wet dream
that has haunted forever
and needs to be conquered.

Two shades of wanting
of the same kind of haunting
that has taunted forever:
we must slay our monsters.

And in the aftermath of our battles
be they excessive or successful failures
I know that I can hold him and tell him he is loved;
the way Daddy has told me that I am loved
after he punishes me
with unrestricted access to his most insightful lessons.

There are other, lesser fears of disease (given our precautions)
but they cannot prevent me from finding my truth
in the search for his own.

I love you. I love this.
I love that we can hold one another
as we walk through the terrifying war zones of our youth.

You are not alone.
I am not alone.

We are always together.

And I will love you forever.

Written by Jason Wright
January 18, 2018

Fire Birthday

Afraid of the water
but desperate for memory
dying for liquid blue
and sun daze
of historical bliss;
we split the difference and now there’s only
the gathering and it’s aftermath.

The express train is overwhelmed and runs local.
A wise, if inconvenient choice.

Monsters lurk just out of view
but they’re old friends
and I would embrace them
if they dared step into my light.

Man at my right
reads all as I scrawl
but looks away shamed
at being so named.

It matters not.

The monsters are still there.
They want to burn down my simple joy
but only because they’re cold and lonely.

“Come.
Join my fire.
No need for us to be enemies.
We are brothers of the same trauma;
pieces of a collective whole.
Our birthday approaches.
Coalesce. Experience. Rejoice. Weep.
Remember when we were only one little hungry child?
Adulthood comes for us all.
Don’t fight.
Face it with me.
Can’t leave you behind.
We are stronger together.”

Written by Jason Wright
August 10, 2017

The Courage That You Gave Me

Before our partnership was born
I bled in desperation


blood for blood
my spirit torn
bereft of integration


past & present
interwoven
divided over years


you saw my life was badly broken
guided me through tears


you wouldn’t judge and helped
as this beginner deeply delved


without a touch you held
as I embraced my other selves


and what achieved together
I acknowledge here with pride


for you have changed my life forever
and left me well supplied


with lessons learned
and skill sets earned
you’ve taught me that I’m able


to meet this end
success my friend
for you I’m always grateful.

Written by Jason Wright
August 10, 2017

For Jamie Bloom

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