The A Train – BALD JASON'S GAY GOTH BOY BLOG

May 19, 2026May 19, 2026

“Ready for the Dark Days”

I slept well. I made good time on my way to my doctor’s office. I took the A train from 181st to Columbus Circle (59th), then I walked to 55th and headed East to the Preston Robert Tisch Center for Men’s Health, where many of my doctors practice, including my G.I. Specialist (who I saw today), my therapist, who I generally see weekly via telemedicine / video chat, and one of my two primary care physicians. I’ve also seen migraine specialists there, one psychiatrist appointment and a few other odds and ends.

A man exiting the building as I entered complimented me on my Concrete Blonde shirt. I’ve gotten several compliments on the shirts I wear at this location, often by doctors. Aaron had a doctor there that helped him with some back problems; his doctor approached me when I was there on my own (and didn’t know that I even knew Aaron) and complimented me on a vintage Hellraiser shirt that I had worn that day. Anyways, the compliment surprised me and made me feel good. The doctor I saw today always amuses me. He’s very funny, very fast, and he thinks and speaks very quickly – which he knows and and has used to his advantage in is career. He’s quirky. I like him. And he’s friends with my therapist who works on the same floor.

I took a slightly different route home, walking along the bottom of Central Park. I spoke to my grandmother on the phone and tried to describe the park and the buildings I was walking by. I took photos. When I got home I chilled, hydrated and had a couple of fun conversations with my cousin Katie, and I traded texts with Nathan. I was going to go to choir tonight but I’m getting a headache and my stomach is not great, and Aaron just left. Maybe if the headache and stomach issues improve I’ll catch a train down to the practice, but I’m not sure if Aaron has my music or not, so maybe it’s best to just stay home – but I would have liked to have seen everyone.

Oh. And I’ve now been outside 17 days in a row!

Today’s title quote comes from “Don’t Wait For Us” by the French indie-pop band BLOW. It is the second track on their self-titled debut EP.

May 12, 2026May 12, 2026

“The Weight of This Concept”

I did get out. That’s 10 days in a row!

I walked to Fort Tryon Park, which seemed much closer than I remembered it being. I walked to this place with benches and views of the Hudson River, I’m sure this section has a name, but if it does, I don’t know it. When I go there I often call my grandmother, and today was no different. It was great to talk to her, wonderful to be out, and very healing to be surrounded by such beauty.

I took the A Train to 181st and walked home from there. I felt up to walking home but part of what I’m working on is getting used to taking the trains again, so this felt more like a needed step in the journey rather than a shortcut. I may go for another walk later. We’ll see.

April 17, 2026April 27, 2026

“Let’s Go Outside”

So, my “date” with Glenn went well, despite several delays. I made it outside again. I took the train despite not having my music (my headphones didn’t charge for some reason). And all was eventually right with the world. I even ate. There was wonderful conversation, a lot of laughter and some real emotion. Followed by a terrific show at 54 Below, where we both knew many of the people involved. It was great fun. And the music they played before and after the show was surprisingly goth, with songs by Siouxsie and the Banshees and Type O Negative. Interesting. I was very tired by the end of the night and we were driving several people back to the Heights with us so we said goodnight to Glenn and Christian and so many others. But it was a wonderful night.

I was a little bummed that there was no Avengers: Doomsday trailer waiting at home for me, but they did show a trailer at CinemaCon; they just haven’t released it to the public and I’m not sure they ever will. The first trailer for Avengers: Endgame was shown at a con and they never ever released that trailer publically. We’ll see.

It was revealed that Kathryn Newton will be returning as Cassie Lang / Stature in “Avengers: Doomsday” – which we didn’t know. And young Wesley Holloway has been announced for the film and is rumored to be playing Steve and Peggy’s son.

They did release the final trailer for The Mandalorian & Grogu, which I think looks fantastic!

I need to go finish getting ready for bed. I’m dead tired.

July 9, 2015April 6, 2026

OUR CONVERSATION

She thanks me
for something insightful
that I said to her on Saturday,
and I know that we’re sparking
off of each other.
It’s mutual.
It’s not one sided
or selfish.

“Tell me you,” she says,
and I like that she skipped the word “about”.

“What do you want to know? I’m an open book.”
I tell her.

“What do you love?”,
She asks me this when most people ask: “What do you do?”

I’m surprised and without having to think I tell her what I know:

“I love Aaron.”

I say this
because that’s the truth,
but it’s not the whole truth;
it saves me from thinking
about how closed off I am…
But the way we speak
it’s impossible to leave it at that
and the question lingers.

“Why do you love Aaron?”

I tell her about what I was when I met Aaron,
which is also true, but not the whole truth,
and then we’re out of time.

On the train I’m compelled to answer again;
to answer more completely.

What do you love?

Joy. Creation. Inspiration. Poetry. Sex. Love. Honesty. Connection. Conversation. Meditation. Self discovery. Therapy. Listening. Communication. The freedom that comes with sharing one’s pain. Being heard and acknowledged.

These answers are wholly true,
yet I can understand how I could respond
by naming Aaron,
because he successfully relates to all of these things,
and that’s why I truly love him.

Also,
with Aaron,
with the people I meet
and surround myself with,
I have this sense of breathing rarefied air.
It’s not just that they are successful…
It’s that they’re creative,
and creation inspires me in every aspect of my life.
That’s something I love that’s never been articulated.

The words flow out of me
and I know they are the right answer
to the question that surprised me.

I turn it around in my brain.

What do you fear?

Deception. Broken trust. Violence. Illness. Inaction. Failing. Missing something. Things I don’t understand or comprehend. Confusion. Weakness.

While writing this I’m attacked
on the Northbound A Train.

I’m nudged, hit,
my headphones are ripped off my head
and some guy calls me a “Fucking queen.”

I laugh at this though he hurt me.
I continue to type.
I’m filled with emotion and my hands are shaking
but if I stop I’m going to lose it:

Shock. Heartbeat. Spark. Eat? Jason or jason? Attack. Why the relation? “Fucking Queen.” Sorry, but not sorry. Not insulted.

The man gets off the train at 145 and part of me is in shock from the attack but I’m distracted by what I wrote:

Violence followed by thoughts of food.
Was that me?
Or was that the part of me
that remembers
the perpetually recurring loss of my innocence?
What does that mean?
I need to talk about this in therapy.

I was so afraid in those few minutes on the train.
I didn’t know what to do
but I think my laughter
may have saved me.

Laughter can do that.

I’m not sure if it’s better or worse
that what I wrote scared me far more
than the man who wanted to hurt me.

An unspoken question:
What do you want?

Clarity. Continuity. Understanding. Safety. Assurance. Support. Guidance. Answers. More questions. More time with Aaron. More time with friends.

And more conversations
like the ones that inspired this.

Written by Jason Wright
JULY 9, 2015

for Alexandra Silber

Note: I suspect the punctuation in this is all wrong, but I’ve kept it to myself long enough.