“Some people don’t care if they live or they die”

I did go back for more Aaron cuddles. Lots of Aaron cuddles. We showered together. I shaved and got ready. I was finally able to get my old earrings in, which felt like a small victory after failing to do so for several months. I wanted to get outside and so I walked to Starbucks. I used to go to Starbucks constantly but it’s pretty rare now. I used to work at this particular store, from October 2012 – September 2014? Something like that. So long ago now. I got a single shot of espresso. I usually get a doppio with cold soy milk and 3 pumps of peppermint, so this was way less sugar, fat and caffeine.

I really do want to lose weight. There’s a struggle between eating healthy and feeding what I think of as “Little Jason”, the food related PTSD child me who is prone to sweets but also to starving. I’ve struggled for so long to feed him and get him eating so it’s strange for both of us to be moving in the other direction, and to try to keep us fed while eating smarter. It’s definitely a learning experience. Today I’ve had a cherry smoothie, some cauliflower & broccoli, and I had my first golden kiwi, which I liked a lot. I have 3 more of those. I will likely break down and have something more filling later, but I do like that I’ve been having healthier choices. I’m doing good work here, I think. Aaron agrees but I need to be my own cheerleader on this stuff and that’s easier at times and harder at others.

Oh. And there were like 50 pictures on my digital camera that I took a few weeks ago, on April 14, which I had totally forgotten about. I’m so clueless sometimes. But that was a nice surprise. Some of them are quite fun. lol

I feel a little sad. I’m not sure why.

I found this song at random on Amazon Music one night. It seems appropriate. I feel like I’m flying up there myself at the moment and I could fall but I what else am I going to do?

“And do you feel scared? I do…”

Aaron’s endoscopy went very well yesterday. He had another endoscopy 3 months ago and they discovered he had an ulcer which they’ve been treating with medication and therapy. Yesterday’s procedure revealed that the ulcer is gone! This was a wonderful outcome. And the wait time for the procedure was greatly reduced this time – we were essentially in and out in about an hour.

I traded texts with Glenn, my nephew Jon and my cousin Ariel. Glenn was concerned for Aaron. Jon and I were talking about Daredevil: Born Again. Ariel invited us to her graduation party, which will be held in Michigan, despite her living in Georgia. We’ll see how that plays out. I also later traded messages with my old friend Flordeperla, who was a co-worker at Starbucks in Manhattan.

He was a little groggy after and I was dealing with another migraine. I always have lots of migraines, but this time of year, when we get far more rain, it’s always the worst. I went to bed relatively early, hoping that I’d wake up early this morning to get some work on my site done, headache free. Part of that was true. I woke up early. And my headache isn’t as bad as it was.

I have gotten a lot finished! But it’s in a draft stage so nobody can see it yet. It’s part of the Star Trek viewing order section. I also uploaded a bunch more LGBTQ+ movie reviews from 2024 yesterday.

I’m not sure what’s on my agenda for the day. It’s very sunny outside this morning. The weather says a high of 63 this afternoon. Maybe I’ll get outside. Aaron has a trip to Philly planned this evening. Maybe I’ll go out then? Or maybe I’ll start my new Star Trek book? I’ve been having a lot of trouble finishing books in the last couple of years. I was doing really well; I was re-reading The Wicked Years in hopes of reading the sequel trilogy for the first time, but then they announced 2 new books, set earlier in the timeline and it killed my interest. I figured I’d wait a bit for those and then do the whole thing again. And I’ve stumbled over everything since then.

The new Trek book is a sequel to Star Trek: Picard, set during a time-jump in the series finale (S03E10 “The Last Generation”) the book has been described as continuity porn, filled with references to various Star Trek episodes from multiple series and films – which sounds like just the kind of thing that I might enjoy at the moment. So, that’s definitely an option. Plus, as the book features Seven and Raffi, we have our LGBTQ+ representation right there. Nice. But who knows if I’ll finish this one? I’ve wanted to finish everything I’ve started in the last few years; I didn’t begin anything with the intent to stop reading, so we’ll see how it goes.

Oh. And I spoke, briefly, with my sister Janice before I passed out. She tried talking to me about her conspiracy theories about 9/11 but I told her I couldn’t listen to it. 9/11 stuff gives me nightmares and always has. I imagine it would likely be worse now that I’ve lived in Manhattan for nearly 14 years. I wish she had more time to relax. She’s always so busy, even on her days off. I love her. She can make me laugh like almost nobody else. Aaron is good at it too. I’m feeling sleepy again and might go back to bed for a nap. I actually didn’t sleep very long last night. I was in bed quite early but it took me a long time to get to sleep and then I was only out for about 5 hours.



Game Night

When you walked in to Starbs
with my man on your arm
in your charmingly gay jeans,
I smiled
and I thought that this could be fun.

I ran into an old customer
who told me about his son’s tumbling class
as I watched you both ordering coffee,
with an easy,
relaxed manner,
that spoke volumes of what was to come.

Your sing song ramblings
were the essence of adorable
and you seemed younger
than your pictures,
while also managing to look completely different
from whatever angle
I spied you from.

We agreed on Buffy’s Gift
and disagreed on LGBT actors,
though not in the typical, angry, grating way,
which Aaron and I had just discussed
in relation to a similar friend,
who has already secretly been mentioned here.

We had matching board games
which we managed to win
before I took pain killer
when I expected no more games to be played.

This, aside from
the tongue fuck of a kiss
which was seemingly dared
and then shared without mercy.

Later, that other kiss on the kitchen counter,
and you were the ghost of Sean Mobley,
whispering across my skin
before we all retired to the place
I expected us not to go…
which in all fairness,
I had insisted on.

There were obstacles to overcome
but in a relaxingly hazy, lustful way,
or that’s how I experienced it at the time.

Your sexy ass,
which I yearned to devour,
was sadly out of service…
and my painkiller infused erection
was quickly down for the count,
yet your beautifully thick dick
and mouthwatering sack
were open for business.

I did fucking love your sex drenched cock,
stretching me open
after riding your face
like you were some kind of bucking bronco.

You were energetic,
switching positions,
still looking different from every angle,
painfully / pleasurably
thrusting deep inside me,
filling the rubber with an impressive load of cum.

You left soon after,
since you don’t like to cuddle,
and the two of you needed to be up early
the next morning.

You took Ian McKellen (as James Whale) with you
and we traded messages on this or that service
but I don’t hear your voice in those words.

In these random exchanges
it’s hard to tell what is real;
hard to tell if we’re going to see you again.

Perhaps you really were just a shadow of Sean,
come to sing me carols and wake me with a kiss.

But I’d like to talk to you again: face to face.

It’s not all about your dick;
it’s everything else too;
all those angles are views I’d like to explore.

My sentences sent to convey this seem awkward
and desperate, but that’s not how they’re meant.

Like I said, it’s hard to tell what is real
in the light of day;
hard to decipher if what we experienced
was the beginning of friendship
or merely the end of a short, yet satisfying game.

Written by Jason Wright
February 13, 2018

For Joe

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