I didn’t get to sleep until after 4am this morning. I tried. But it just wasn’t happening. Eventually I needed to have a snack and I also gave in and took an Ambien, because I didn’t think I’d get to sleep until tonight otherwise. That’s just how my brain works sometimes, and that’s why I have sleeping pills in the first place.
I slept until noon, so about 8 hours. I didn’t really wake feeling rested. It was raining and though I didn’t have a migraine, I could still feel the storm and it had me a little on edge. I tried to distract myself with more work on my website. I started working on three different pages but quickly realized I wouldn’t be finishing any of them today so they’re just drafts – which is fine, but when I publish something there’s a sense of satisfaction that I’ve completed something, and I didn’t get that today.
I have kidney stones. I mean, I’ve passed 7 or 8 of them in my life and I’ve had a stone in each of my kidneys for at least 3 years. Every now and again one of them moves and there’s a lot of pain and a lot of being on edge – and that is also happening today. I’m taking the medication I was given for these events and I’m drinking way more fluid than I usually do (because fluids can make it difficult for me to keep anything down), but that definitely isn’t helping with my mood.
What has helped is that my friend Nicole did a deep dive on my site and gave me some meaningful feedback. I didn’t expect her to delve into the photo section but not only did she take a look, she looked at a lot and had very positive things to say. And again, I didn’t expect any of that. Creating this site has been wonderful for my mental health, but it has also been a challenge because I’m used to telling my family what I’m working on and I think they might take issue with me having what I see as an artistic expression, but which could honestly also be described as pornographic. I mean, there are a lot of photos of me fucking, and it takes a certain level of detachment to see that and celebrate it as a personal victory rather than a cause of gossip and concern? One of my dear, straight male friends once looked through my photo galleries on my old website while he was on the phone with me and had a perfectly wonderful conversation with me about this or that thing and not only do I (clearly) still remember the talk, I cherish it to this day.
I listened to Cutting Crew’s “The Broadcast” album the other day. I don’t really connect overly much with any of their songs, despite liking them a lot; they just don’t seem to be singing about anything that really matters. But emotionally, the songs matter a great deal to me because this is one of the musical gifts that I got from my sister Janice. She would often give me music themed gifts for Christmas and my birthdays as it was something we both loved. I would mention in passing that I liked this or that song and she would listen, remember and get me what I wanted. And it was always a surprise. I never dropped hints to get those gifts, I was just being honest in the moment. Anyways, I was just singing the title song in the shower so that’s today’s jam.
I hope the weather improves soon. I would really like to get out more this week, which won’t be difficult as I barely left the apartment in the week ending today.
I need to request refills for a couple of medications. I should message Nicole back. And then I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I might try to sleep tonight because I’m already very tired, but that might not be the easiest thing given what happened last night / this morning. I should definitely keep drinking water though. I should have had a smoothie earlier.
Oh. They released the first teaser trailer for the penultimate season of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. Season 4 will air weekly from July 23 – September 24. Season 5, the 6 episode final season of the series will likely air sometime next year, along with the 10 episode final season of Star Trek: Starfleet Academy. And after that, well, it doesn’t seem likely that we’ll have Star Trek back on streaming / television in the near future. There is a film in development, but who knows how long that might take or what the story might entail? Not me.
