“Can’t Abide The Sun”

Today was rough. We had the repairman in, a lovely man named William. We had another cleaning crew in (who didn’t clean everything we told them to). And we had the realtor. The people that lived here the last 8 or 9 months really fucked this place over. We have roaches now. Furniture I loved is ruined and it’s quite possible that all the downstairs living room furniture and carpeting will need to be replaced! It’s gross. But it’s much better now than when when we arrived just 2 nights ago. We talked about possibly staying a few extra days to help take care of more things (we leave Tuesday) but I didn’t bring any extra medication, only enough to see me through Tuesday night, so that’s out.

Today marks 32 years since I began shaving my head. 32 years as Bald Jason. I was going to go to a bar and toast the occasion but with all the drama today it was one more thing that I didn’t have to do, plus it makes better sense to do it tomorrow night. We’re planning on seeing the new Star Wars movie around 6pm and then maybe going to a bar we like in Orlando for pool, some drinks and people watching. I love meeting and talking to new people so I love going to the bars when we’re here.

I had a few fun talks with Katie today. I traded texts with Janice and our cousin Christopher. And I called Aaron’s cousin Lisa for her birthday.

I’m rereading The Drowning Girl.

The reviews for Spider-Noir seem mostly positive. I’m a huge Marvel fan so I’m interested in this but having been asked what I’m most excited about, it’s VisionQuest. I loved WandaVision and Agatha All Along and VisionQuest is said to the final part of that trilogy. Hopefully it sticks the landing and allows for further adventures of Wanda, Vision, Billy & Tommy.

Oh. And I got outside (briefly) so that’s 20 days in a row! Again, I think the most I’ve been outside on consecutive days (barring vacations) in the last several years is 4 days, so it feels like a big accomplishment. Hopefully I can back into going for my walks when we get home. Walking here would not be great for me. I’m so pale and the sun is so direct. When I was a freshman in high school I came to Florida with the choir and I got a sunburn in my eye. I had to walk around Sea World with an ice pack on my face, which someone diminished the experience of winning the trophy for best choir or whatever it was that we won. We were champions though.

Today’s song quote title is from “Sugar For the Pill” by Slowdive, from their 2017 album, Slowdive. I’ve been listening to them a lot on this trip.

The Whale Trilogy

1

Pain radiates
through smoothly shaven flesh,

Unseen skull
in burning wrapping paper,

I skitter to share
what it seeks to prevent…

The years are a bitch
and I ache to betray her…

For words in this gloaming
are enabled by night…

Even when tinged
with the heartbreak of sorrow…

Thoughts freely roaming
until morning sight…

Might seem unhinged
come the light of tomorrow.

2

There was a morning, a day, a hot afternoon
where I thought my life would change…
where my wandering
had finally altered my direction…
but it wasn’t meant to be.
Perhaps every day is like this for others…
but the day I am thinking of,
the day of sex before the sermon,
I believed that I’d finally arrived
somewhere I was meant to be,
only to learn across the years
that I would seldom ever return,
and I wish I would have known
how special that time was,
how precious those moments.

It’s altogether different
yet somehow the same
when watching you
watching whales…
when the music you share
nearly kills me with it’s mournful beauty –
giving me fever chills and death spasms
before my fever breaks
and I’m allowed to dance
in the trance of our shoegazing
dream pop.

In the fever
all that could comfort me
was the seemingly old
but younger woman
with the ghost on the porch…
An echo of that first reading
joining my pain across two different eras.

3

The first would have been discovery,
and on the very brink of puberty
as I stumbled through that sea of trees
to find a validating fiction.

And now the feeling: brotherly,
yet still cherry stink of nudity
as I’m humbled by our deities
to bind an animated friction.

And the proof
it is not fair
but the truth
is he’s out there
begging for money,
trading sex for drugs hungry
while the whales circle round us
tasting sweetly table scraps.

And the lie
if there is one
is that life
is a shotgun
because life hasn’t drowned us
baby please don’t go like that.

Written by Jason Wright
April 19, 2018

For Sean (Mobley) and Steve and Anthony.

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