I woke up around 2am. I got up, ate (6 veggie tots with chia seeds), read the news and worked on new NSFW Photo Collages for my website. Just as I was going back to bed I noticed a headline that revealed that all of the “VisionQuest” episodes had moved from Wednesday night releases to Tuesdays, meaning the premiere will be tonight, October 13, which relates to events in “WandaVision” which were relayed in “Agatha All Along”. Nice. I went back to bed. My stomach hurt and I was hyped about the show, but I did manage to get back to sleep, for about a minute, when Aaron woke me. He has these night terrors, sleep paralysis, and has learned that if he calls out that I will wake him – just as I’ve learned to wake up completely when I hear him calling. I was glad I was there to help, but was frustrated to be awake. I didn’t think I could fall asleep again, so I got up and had a smoothie. Aaron has a brand of chocolate smoothie which bothers his stomach, so he isn’t using it anymore. I asked him yesterday if he minded if I tried it and he didn’t object, so I made one of those and drank it very quickly…because it was delicious, but this led to me shivering. body shaking for about 10 minutes. I finished a third collage, which means I can add them now (I like to do them in threes) but I might hold off until I can do more. I’ve not decided. I’m not sure I can sleep now, but we have to leave here at 10 and won’t be home until around 3, I think. Which means I’ll probably crash around then – which hopefully wasn’t a bad choice of words, since I’ll be driving today.
This morning’s journal entry song quote is from “Dance Desire”, by the Canadian band Haywire, from their 1987 second album, “Don’t Just Stand There”. I used to watch a Canadian Music Video show in the 80s called “Video Hits”, which played this song. I found a lot of Canadian music fascinating, and I liked a lot of it, but at the time it was very hard to find as many of the ‘hits’ were either not released in the United States or didn’t chart here. Anyways, I’ve only liked this one.
Sunday (10-11-26) there was a huge storm, with flood warnings for much of Manhattan. I was still having trouble eating and I wasn’t sure why. Aaron and I were talking and I remembered that when we watched Season 3 of “Heartstopper” a few months ago, that the disordered eating scenes hit me really hard but I couldn’t remember why. I later looked up what I wrote about it in my blog at the time, and I read that to Aaron. He commented that he loved my writing, which is something he’s told me many times, but it somehow always surprises me. Later, remembering how I would starve as a child until I felt safe, I realized that this was the problem. There’s an ongoing conversation between me as I am now, and my childhood self. It began in 2006, and has continued over the years as it has proven useful to me, but every now and again I lose sight of this, and it always ends badly when I do. I realized I had not fed my childhood self in a long while, which is to say that when I changed my diet this year I had assured him that this wasn’t a problem and that we weren’t excluding foods that made him feel safe, even if I was eating them less often. I let him know I was going to get him some food he could eat and I started relaxing almost instantly – even as the conversation continued. I calmed him down. I got him what he needed. And things improved drastically. I walked through the heavy rainfall to Starbucks for me, and to the grocery store to get him some chips. That probably sounds crazy, but it’s effective. Nobody took notice of him when I was a kid, when I was him, and so I look after him. Aaron says it sounds like I’m parenting him, and I suppose that’s true.
Lately, things have been really rough. A lot of stress has been coming my way. And a lot of different triggers. I think I’ve managed most of these problems successfully. But I’m just noting that things haven’t been this rough in a long time. I’ve started taking Xanax again, a bit more often than I usually do. I used to take it every day, for years. But I learned other coping skills and those are usually enough. I keep a prescription open and I do use it when I need it, but I’ve needed it more lately. I’m glad that I have it and I feel I’m using it responsibly. I just need to pay a bit more attention to what is going on in my life to make this so much more difficult than it had been.
Oh. On Sunday I watched the first episode of “Avatar: Seven Havens”, which I enjoyed. The episode, plus 2 others, were released on Friday. I’ve only seen a few “Avatar: The Last Airbender” episodes, which I started a few years ago, but didn’t stick with it – even though I enjoyed it a lot. I decided to start over and watched the first 3 or 4 episodes, which again, I enjoyed. I’d really like to see more of his universe and I know it would mean a lot to my cousin Katie, who loves it. It’s not that it doesn’t interest me, but I feel like it’s increasingly difficult for me to stay focused on any one thing, which bothers me, but I kind of like the idea of watching the new series as it unfolds, while catching up on the older stuff. Hopefully I can stay focused on it. I mean, even with everything they’ve announced there’s less than 300 installments, and many of those won’t be available in the near future, so I have no excuse really. I’ll try.
I went to bed early, as I’ve been doing lately, and after reading a big chunk of “Magic’s Pawn”, I slept most of the night, getting up with Aaron after we cuddled for about an hour. Later, I realized that my therapy session, which I thought was on Wednesday is actually on tomorrow, when I need to be with Aaron for his therapy, so I had to move the appointment, which brought on more stress. I decided I needed to go for a walk, and it was about 72 degrees out, much warming than the day before, which had been in the high 50s. I walked to Fort Tryon Park, which is my goto, and as I sat on a park bench, “In This Life” by Madonna started playing on my LGBTQ+ Playlist – and this made me laugh as the first line of the song is “Sitting on a park bench”. My life has become a sad 1992 Madonna song. It came out in October too – I remember well, because it was was released around the same time as Anne Rice’s “The Tale of the Body Thief”, which I was reading. I headed home. I took a shower with Aaron and talked through some stuff with him which made us both feel better.
I weighed myself after the shower and I was shocked to see that I’d lost weight, despite wolfing down the chips I got for Little Jason the night before. I’ve basically lost 40 pounds since last year. That’s crazy.
They released the titles of all 8 episodes of VisionQuest today:
I love the the titles. The first is clearly tied to Ultron, who says the line in “Avengers: Age of Ultron”, while the second installment features a reference to the Ship of Theseus, also known as Theseus’s Paradox, which was the crux of an argument made by Hex Vision (in “WandaVision” S01E09 “The Series Finale”) that started White Vision on the journey that we will seemingly finally see in this new series. Very cool. Reviews are out now and while there are people that didn’t like it, they seem to not like it because it’s mired in M.C.U. continuity, but that’s one my favorite things, so I suspect I’ll enjoy it quite a lot. Reviewers who seem to dig the M.C.U. as much as I do seem to have loved it. The episodes are released at 9pm, which might be rough for me. I’ve been going to bed really early. But maybe I’ll get up early so I can watch them – or stay awake. We’ll see.
I’m already tired, and I have the beginnings of what could be a really bad migraine, so I’m going to get away from my computer, and I might take some painkiller. I’ve been hesitant to take any lately as I feel I was taking it too often, when often my pain either doesn’t improve from the meds, or often, if I just wait it out, it improves on its own. This feels different though, so I will treat it accordingly.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “Jesus to a Child” by English singer / songwriter (and gay pop culture icon) George Michael, from his 1996 third solo studio album, “Older”. The song is a melancholic tribute to Michael’s late lover, Anselmo Feleppa, who died of AIDS related complications in 1993. George Michael was one one of my rare celebrity crushes and I wept for him when he died on Christmas day, 2016, nearly 10 years ago, at the age of 53. One of the odd vagaries of existence, is that if you live long enough, when others don’t, you can eventually be older than them. When he died I was 42, but next year, if I’m lucky enough to live that long, I too will be 53. It fucks with my head. I mean, if I live to be 54, I will be the one who is OLDER. So weird. So sad.
I stayed in on Monday (10-05-26). I didn’t feel great. Aaron stayed home also, skipping pool, due to his leg injury. I was planning on going with him if he did go, but I was fine staying home.
Tuesday (10-06-26) I needed to get out for a bit and I was hungry. I went to Starbucks and got the spinach feta wrap and stopped at the pharmacy on the way home, only the line was so long and I didn’t need to pick up the prescription that had been filled because I still had some.
Later I got the test results from my anal pap. I had been dreading the news. At my age, as a sexually active bottom, the chances were very high that I had HPV, but I had consoled myself with the knowledge that coming of age during the AIDS crisis, most of my partners had worn condoms. Additionally, most of my lovers weren’t one night stands, but relationships, some of whom likely had never been exposed to the virus (strict tops who less experienced than me) or in some cases, had been vaccinated. Aaron, who has been my central partner for nearly 15 years, was vaccinated before we met. And in that 15 year time (that’s 15 years this month), I’ve slept with 4 other men, 3 of them with Aaron. All of them have used condoms, save one, who didn’t fuck me. And I was also vaccinated several years ago as at the time, they couldn’t find anyone who would test me, and my thinking was that if they couldn’t prove that I had it, then I wanted the very expensive vaccine, which I got, paid out of pocket and have never regretted. All that to say is that while I knew I might have it, there was a good chance that I didn’t. I was told that I’d get 2 results and that the first is often a false positive, so I just waited until I had both. But both were negative. I’m HPV negative. I still can’t quite believe it. And it doesn’t make me any less angry that they didn’t allow men to get the vaccine when I asked for it in my 20s.
Wednesday (10-07-26) I had an early morning appointment at my cardiologist’s office. A hot guy (Roman) performed the test. They listened to and scanned my heart. The results all seem normal, which I suppose is good. There was one oddity, but it wasn’t marked as being an issue, but honestly I don’t really understand the test or the results so I’ll wait for the doc to let me know how I’m doing. I’ve been considerate of my heart health ever since my cousin Michael, who is one month younger than me, had a heart attack a few years ago. Scared the Hell out of me, which I told him when I saw him in the summer of 2025. Tuesday night, Aaron went to choir and I wanted to go with him to see everyone, but we had a grocery order that I needed to wait for so I played some Zelda and watched some SVU. I was a little bummed to see that I had somehow gained 7 pounds. Well, 4 really. I weighed 180 for a single day and then I was hovering around 183 or so. Then today I was 187.
Thursday (10-08-26) I woke up feeling like I wanted to work on my Marvel viewing order, unraveling a particularly continuity heavy knot (events surrounding 2016’s “Captain America: Civil War”) which took most of the day. All of it, really.
I was happy to see that I’d somehow lost 5 pounds. So I’m back to 182.8. I love eating these Veggie Tots (which are delicious treats which count as an entire serving of vegetables), but I’ve noticed they seem to linger in my body for a lot longer than I would expect – and I weigh a lot more with them inside me. The thing is, they ‘depart’ days later, so the weight gain is always short lived, but it keeps me from having them as an every day snack. Food is weird. Especially for me, since I’ve tended to avoid thinking about it most of my life.
As I was unwinding, more Marvel news started pouring in. Partially because VisionQuest (which begins on Wednesday, just 6 days from now) has been released to critics in full, and it’s getting very good reactions so far. And also (and I’m not sure why this slipped my mind) but Marvel TV had a panel at NYCC today, in which they announced and confirmed several fun things. I knew they were having something at NYCC, and I knew it was in October, but my brain had not processed that it was now October and that I should be looking for this news to pop up. lol
2 episodes a week until the final 2 episodes – both of which will more than an hour long. All the episodes are pretty long compared to previous shows. Nice. Again, the full series has been released to critics, and the ones I follow, one of which was NOT excited for this series, are raving about how good it is! The review embargo lifts on Monday, so I’ll have to do my best to avoid spoilers – but it is nice to have something to look forward to.
Avengers: Doomsday has a new poster, which was released last weekend. It features the Latverian Witches that were revealed at SDCC (pictured just above). New rumors seem to indicate these characters won’t actually be a big deal, but I feel like this is a misdirect. If they weren’t important, why tease them so effectively? Why tease their costumes at a fan event where they changed the costume every day with a different color? Maybe they aren’t anything at all. But I think they are. I hope they are. I feel like they’re doing a really great job of keeping spoilers at bay for this film, that, or I’m getting better at avoiding them. But when the costume was originally revealed, I really hoped that the final version would be scarlet, if you know what I mean, but instead they switched the costume to that of Doom. But the more distant witch in the poster certainly seems to be scarlet. <3
Season 2 of Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man is confirmed for January 13, 2027. It will feature the Alien Costume, Daredevil (Charlie Cox), Doc Oc and Scorpion will return, and we’ll meet Spider-Gwen. I loved the first season so I’m excited for this. Also, it was strange to be working on the placement of the series for hours today, and then have news about Season 2 come pouring in! Season 3 is also in the works and I wonder how many seasons the series will run for? Also, I loved the parallels with the 616 Spider-Man in the first season and I wonder if they’ll continue to toy with that?
Marvel Zombies will return in a series of 2-part Halloween Specials, released in 2027, 2028 & 2029 – with the final special described as a culmination of the whole story (so presumably the ending). The first special, The Winter Soldier, will explain Bucky’s whereabouts in the previous saga and will reportedly be filled with revelations. The second special, The Fist of Khonshu will presumably be about Blade Knight, the badass iteration of Blade / Moon Knight introduced in Season 1 of Marvel Zombies. I have loved the Marvel Zombies since the story was introduced back in Season 1 of “What If…?” (S01E05) back in 2021, and it was my favorite episode of that series overall, so I’m thrilled that the story will continue, but I’m also slightly disappointed that we have to wait until 2029 to see how it ends.
Also, there is a mysterious SECRET live action series coming in 2028 titled “Zodiac”, which they will be casting soon (so rumors are expected) and that will film in 2027 in London. It was mentioned that there are clues in the logo, and it at least implies a connection to S.H.I.E.L.D., but in what capacity? Clark Gregg (aka as Phil Coulson) shared the post about the series. Could this imply that it is a sequel to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? What does this mean? We’ll see.
X-Men ’97 will return next year for Season 3, which we already knew, but that’s about all we know. I believe a 4th season was also already announced, so expect that in 2028.
The news was welcomed. But I was exhausted and Aaron had made plans for us this morning, so I headed to bed. I believe I fell asleep between 10 & 11. I woke up around 4. I thought I’d be able to get back to sleep but after struggling to do so for 1.5 hours I got up around 5:30, made a smoothie and wrote this. Well, I adjusted it. I had scribbled it down last night before bed, but decided at the time that I’d edit it later as I was just too tired at the time.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Kiss Them for Me”, by English goth rock band Siouxsie and the Banshees, which was released in 1991 as the first single from the band’s 10th studio album, “Superstition”. According to Wikipedia, upon its release, the single received enthusiastic reviews. “Kiss Them for Me” became their most successful single in the US peaking at number 23 in the Billboard Hot 100. Billboard also ranked it as the second most-played song of the year on American alternative music radio. I couldn’t have told you any of that. I bought their second singles compilation, “Twice Upon a Time – The Singles” in late 1992 because I loved the song “Face to Face” from that year’s “Batman Returns”. I was only vaguely aware of the band at all, and I didn’t really know what to make of them. I ended up loving the entire album, but not having experienced the singles as they were released, I didn’t really grasp the experience of how each song hit and / or when. That was also 2 years before I went to my first club, which is where I heard most of my music, and I was delighted to learn that they were in heavy rotation at such venues, as I’d thought of them a s niche sort of quirky band that I had discovered that nobody else seemed to like. lol The early 90s were such a different time!
The other day, someone described my body as toned. Did I already mention that? lol The idea that anyone would ever is laughable. And yet…here are the very small muscles to prove it! lol I took these before bed on Thursday (October 1). I mention this because I’ve started lifting weights since then. I bought a set of very light weights about a year ago? I never did anything with them before though. But since I have these little muscles I’m trying to use them. I feel a little silly, lifting. I don’t really know what I’m doing at all, but I can feel the muscles working, which is fascinating for someone who’s never experienced such a thing before!
On Friday, October 2, the weather was sort of all over the place. It was sunny. It was cloudy. It was like a hot summer day, but then suddenly overcast and almost raining. This kind of stuff affects my mood a lot. I decided I needed to get outside. As I got ready to shower, I had the funniest thought and wondered if my new muscled hadn’t been a dream! But they were still there, I checked. I’ve always had a little bit of a belly, ever since I was a kid. It didn’t matter how thing I was, I always had a belly. I suspect this is because I was malnourished, having never eaten in a remotely healthy manner, and struggling to eat at all a child – actually, struggling to starve myself due to trauma. For the first time, I wondered if I might be able to lose the belly and what I might look like if I did. I guess I’ve thought about it before, but it never seemed like an actual possibility. But now? I’m eating really healthy – far healthier than any other time in my life. It’s not even close. And I’m seeing real signs of physical improvement, in a way that I never have before. So maybe it’s possible? I’m not sure I have the positivity to believe that it could really happen, but I’m at least thinking about it, which I haven’t let myself do in decades.
So I showered and shaved and got ready to go out. I decided on no eyeliner or jewelry. Just to be different. I wasn’t sure where I was going. I considered heading to a library in Inwood to see my friend Isaiah. I also thought I would like to walk there through Fort Tryon Park, but I wasn’t sure if I could make it before they closed, as the path through the park is far more circuitous than just walking up Broadway, which felt disappointing, and made me wished I’d stepped outside sooner. I also considered walking to the Little Red Lighthouse under the George Washington Bridge, as I’ve not been there in over a year and it’s a walk I thought I could handle. But that made me realize I still wasn’t sure how people got onto the G.W.B. anymore, given the construction that has been going on since the last time I walked across. So I headed in search of the answer, and found it, surprisingly quickly. The entryway is around 180th Street & Cabrini Avenue. I hadn’t actually planned to walk across the bridge and the shoes I was wearing weren’t as comfortable as I had hoped, but I started across. I only made it about a quarter of the way, but that’s a lot further than it might seem, as the path before the bridge is oddly curvy and forces you to walk much further than if you were moving directly from point to the other.
I headed home after that little adventure. I felt like I could walk a bit more but I was sweaty and I didn’t like the shoes I was wearing. I went home, showered the sweat off, put on my eyeliner and makeup, changed, and did my usual 2 mile hike to Fort Tryon’s Linden Terrace and back. Collectively, I had walked much further than I usually do and on my way home I could really feel it and my legs were sore the next day. I stayed in on Saturday but I used the weights again.
I had trouble sleeping Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I went to be very early on each night, woke up after 4 or 5 hours, got up and struggled to get back to sleep later, as I knew I had to be up at 7 each day to help motivate Aaron, which is favor he asked of me. He’s been depressed, and morning activity has become something quite difficult for him. I’m happy to help him, only I struggle with keeping the same hours. I’ve had a lot of success sleeping at night the last few years – again, far more success than at any other time in my life, but there are activities that I can only accomplish at night when Aaron is asleep. Work on my website can be tricky when Aaron is working out of the same office because he projects his voice when he’s in a Zoom meeting or on the phone, and it’s quite loud. Sometimes I can hear him through headphones when I’m at the opposite end of the apartment and through several doors, so imagine trying to work through that with us in the same room. It’s not that I don’t want to be around him; its that we need very different environments to work effectively. I also need the lights to be dimmed or shaded as my eyes are very sensitive to light. Bright (even normal) lights are distracting and can cause me migraines. He needs the light for his video appointments and his general wellbeing. So my working in the office at night is generally a good way for me to get a lot done, even if it means I come to bed late. But if I come to bed late now, I can’t sleep in because I need to be up at 7 to help Aaron. It’s a conundrum. But it’s been a little less than a week since he asked me for the help. I’m hoping we either fall into a rhythm that works for us both, or we come up with some other option. I’m just not sure what that will be.
Last night was rough. I woke up around 11:30pm after going to bed around 7. I think I would have gone right back to sleep but I was concerned about Aaron, who was still not in bed. I got up. But in getting up I woke up fully and stayed awake. I got a lot of work done on several projects, but when I would have gone to bed at 5, I worried that if I did go to bed and it took me a bit to get to sleep, I would need to get up at 7 so that I could assist Aaron. So I decided to stay awake instead. But when I spoke to Aaron at 7, he said he appreciated this but that I could just go to sleep. On the one hand I was grateful and fell asleep in Aaron’s arms. But on the other hand I was annoyed that I wasn’t able to go to bed sooner for fear of fucking things up later. It’s not like I could ask him if it was okay while he was sleeping.
Today has been a mixed bag. The weather was overcast and gloomy. And the work I’ve been doing on my website, is mostly related to my Marvel Cinematic Multiverse viewing order – as I’ve found new ways to present the information that I find really exciting – but it’s also a lot of work. And I’d like to finish a bit more, a lot more really, before showing friends. But not finishing this stuff is frustrating. It’s like there’s no payoff for all the work.
Aaron had gone to choir practice and I was so depressed I felt like cutting, honestly, which I suppose would have been ironic, since the scars on my wrists are from a suicide attempt 30 years ago today. I wasn’t thinking suicide though. But the idea of cutting popped up and I decided to combat that as best as I could. I shaved and showered. I ate. I had pita, hummus, nuts, lettuce and olives. Later I had a smoothie. I dressed. I danced. I danced alone in my apartment, which was fun. And I used the weights again. Later I decided to work on another viewing order that I knew I could finish in a short span of time and now there’s a viewing order for the Underworld franchise.
Aaron arrived home just as I started writing this. He had fallen and injured himself in the street. I’m concerned. I got him to take some Ibuprofen and asked he wanted to go to the clinic across the street. He wants to stay in tonight and if it’s bad tomorrow he’ll go, but he did take the ibuprofen.
Oh! I don’t think I mentioned this but the other day I updated my NSFW Photo Collageswith 6 more entries. And I think that’s all the news I have for now.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Dead Enough For Life”, a song by Norwegian electronic music band Icon of Coil, from their 2004 album “Machines Are Us”, which is one of the songs that I was dancing to earlier. It’s on a playlist I often listen to when I walk and I used to hear it at the club a lot.
I did cuddle with Aaron yesterday morning. Then we showered together. I stayed in. I had been excited to return to Zumba Class this week, but I had a migraine so I didn’t go. I slept pretty well that night though.
This morning I woke up around 5, inspired to work on my website, solving several problems with my Marvel viewing order. I worked on it for hours but I got a lot done. I returned to Aaron around 7 or 7:30 to shower, then went back to working on my site. I took a brief nap at one point. But I was at my computer most of the day. At around 4:30 pm I felt I needed to get outside. I shaved and showered, dressed and did my 2 mile walk to Fort Tryon and back. I passed a film crew at one point but didn’t stop to see what they were working on. I also walked by Nathan, a guy that Aaron and I hooked up with several months ago. We waved, but we didn’t stop. He was walking with someone who I think is his roommate. Part of me thought: I’ve become one of those gays that slightly acknowledges people I’ve been intimate with as we encounter each other, without saying hello. But I was walking, and he didn’t call out or anything, and I don’t know what was going on. I wasn’t bothered, but it was an odd moment.
I was wearing a Concrete Blonde shirt, from the “Bloodletting” album, which I love. I listened to it as I walked. I got a spinach wrap at Starbucks on my way home and also stopped to get some more pita bread from the grocery store. The wrap was delicious. I showered the sweat from the walk off, started listening to “Mexican Moon” (also by Concrete Blonde) and decided to write this.
As I started this, Aaron arrived back home, after having moved the car to a new parking garage that will save us $300 a month. That’s nice. I showed him the new (final) VisionQuest trailer, which he liked – and I loved. I can’t wait to see it!
I’m starting to wind down. I might play some Zelda before bed.
Today’s journal entry song quote is from “Caroline”, a song by American alternative rock band Concrete Blonde from their third studio album, “Bloodletting”, which was released on May 15, 1990. The album features guest appearances by R.E.M.’s Peter Buck and Wall of Voodoo’s Andy Prieboy. “Caroline” was released in September 1990 as the third single and was written by Johnette Napolitano, and produced by Concrete Blonde and Chris Tsangarides. Mike Boehm, writing for the Los Angeles Times, described “Caroline” as “a mysterious, gorgeously evocative song that recalls Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rhiannon’.” In a review of Bloodletting’, Marc D. Allan of The Indianapolis Star wrote, “‘Caroline’ is a good example of the band’s strengths. Napolitano’s lush vocals, combined with Mankey’s eerie guitar, create a subtle but powerful piece of pop.” In a retrospective review, Ned Raggett of AllMusic described the song’s lyrics as “addressing a departed friend”. I don’t recall the song from the time, but when I bought the album several years later it quickly became my favorite track, though I love all of the songs and seldom ever just listen to a single song from it, rather I listen to the whole thing.
Saturday (09/26/26) Aaron and I did go see Avengers: Endgame Encore, which we both enjoyed. The theater was mostly sold out – not every seat was full, but every row was nearly full, with just a seat here or there empty. I wasn’t sure how many people would go to see a release of a 7 year old film, even with a few new scenes. It was a good time. People cheered, gasped, clapped, laughed and cried in the appropriate scenes, even though most of them had seen the film before. I cried 3 times myself. The new material amounted to 2 fun introductions + a new final scene & 3 credit scenes. All of it was amazing. Aaron and I are both very hyped for Avengers: Doomsday in December and various other upcoming Marvel projects.
I was very uncomfortable before leaving for the film. I was bleeding a little from my surgery (which was expected), but it was not pleasant. But I pushed through because Aaron was so excited to see the movie and I’m glad I did because it really was a fun experience. And because I knew the movie very well, I didn’t feel bad heading to the bathroom a couple of times. We didn’t end up watching any Star Trek. We still haven’t actually. When I do think of watching Strange New Worlds, Aaron isn’t around. And when he’s around, I don’t want to watch it at all. It just hasn’t been good enough. And also, I’ve just not been watching much of anything lately – while Aaron has been watching more than ever. I think he’s binged all of “Loki” since seeing the movie. I don’t think I’ve watched anything.
On Sunday (09-27-26) we stayed in. and mostly worked on our own projects. He mostly watched TV and played video games. I worked on my website and also played video games. I’m still playing Breath of the Wild. Still reading Magic’s Pawn. Nothing much has changed really. Oh. Except that on Sunday I weighed myself and I was down to 180.4.
I’ve said this a lot lately, but again, this is the lowest I’ve weighed in years. I’m still about 10 lbs over what I used to weigh most of the time, but I’ve come a long way. I’ve lost 40 lbs since last year and 30.6 of those lbs have been lost in the last 6 months. I’m doing really good work on my health. I feel good. There are other parts of my life that need work, but it’s a balance and a process and I think healthy ties into nearly everything else, so that’s really good.
Also, the pain from my September 18th procedure is gone now. That’s nice. And in the last few months I’ve struggled to feel sexual in any way, and I feel like some of that is coming back, due in part to several therapies and self-love type experiments. And all of that is contributing to my sense of wellbeing. There’s a lot of stress in my life currently, having to do with money and people that I love who need help (not with money) and I want to be there for them, and I’m worried that I’ll fuck that up somehow. But otherwise, I’m doing pretty well.
On Monday (09-28-26) I went out with Aaron to attend one of his pool games at the Metropolitan Bar in Brooklyn. I’d been there before with him, but it had been several years. Fun was had. I met several new players, one of whom, Parker, carried on a fun conversation. I also met random bar people (Tyler, Michael & Joseph), who entertained me. Those 3 and a 4th are roommates who live in Ridgewood. Michael and Joseph are brothers; Michael is 7 years older than Joseph, in his 30s while Joseph is 26 – they’re both from Georgia. Tyler is from Minnesota. They were so much fun to talk to. I hope we cross paths again someday, or if not, that they just continue to be fun people.
I stayed in on Tuesday (09-29-26). I had therapy, which was productive. And I got a lot of work done on my Marvel Multiverse Guide, finding a new format that seems to be perfect – except later I found that there was a problem that I either need to solve now or run into it multiple times, which would be exhausting. So I had to stop. Which was frustrating. So, I did a rudimentary guide forA Song of Ice and Fire, so I could feel like I finished something! lol
Aaron went to choir for the first time this season. I was working on all that and had some success and something I’ve struggled with for years. It doesn’t mean I’m cured, but it’s a positive experience and that’s good. Later I spoke to my grandmother on the phone before heading to bed, just as Aaron arrived home. I slept from about 10 to about 3. I got up to pee and came back to bed but the TV was on and it seemed to be too bright. I couldn’t tell if it was actually brighter than normal and that I should risk adjusting it (and possibly waking Aaron) or if I was just being hypersensitive to any light (which can be a problem for me), so I just decided to get up. I knew I wanted to work on my site. I worked on several collages, which will be posted at a later time – as I want to randomize them and post several at once. Then I wrote a poem, inspired by that collage. And then I wrote this blog entry.
I need to go shower with Aaron now (or cuddle if there is time).
All the songs from this Troye Sivan album are still stuck in my brain, so I just picked another of the songs today. “Fools” is where this blog entry title springs from, from “Blue Neighborhood”.
I stayed in Saturday (09/29/26), after staying up all night and sleeping for about 7 hours. The pain from Friday’s procedure was worse when I woke, but it waned with medication. I worked on several viewing orders (completely reworking and simplifying my American Horror Story viewing order) and also on a writing project that I likely won’t share here because, honestly, I’m not sure it’s legal to post. But posting it somewhere doesn’t really feel like the point anyways; it’s totally personal and just for me.
Poor Aaron. I’ve mostly gotten over the cold we both had, but his seems to have moved deeper into his lungs. He’s going to the clinic tomorrow to see what they say.
I went to bed relatively early on Saturday and slept in on Sunday (09/20/26). Aarn had said that he wanted us to watch some Star Trek this weekend so I suggested we try to catch up on Strange New Worlds, as we were 4 episodes behind and the season will end this Thursday. We were both kind of dreading it as we’ve been very unhappy with the season so far, but we were also both pleasantly surprised but what we saw. First we watched S04E06 “Off-Hour”, which was a take on disaster movies. Each episode of Strange New Worlds of late has a gimmick, a genre, and they’ve often felt redundant or pointless. This episode felt like Trek. It was well written, well acted and well produced. Everything looked great and though some of the violence seemed a bit more graphic than we’d like, it fit the scenario. I would say this was easily my favorite episode of these last two seasons (3 & 4). We decided to watch another episode (S04E07 “Like Chronitons Through the Hourglass”), which we also enjoyed. It wasn’t as good as the previous installment, but was better than anything else this year. I knew some stuff about this one before I watched and I was a bit surprised how much I liked it as it’s essentially a sequel to an episode I don’t love, and I knew it would be providing things I wanted, but in a soap opera scenario that I wasn’t interested in. Most of it worked. The soap opera element was used a little bit longer than I would have liked, but considering all that could have gone wrong with that story, I was relieved how well it did all hold together. And I also felt that Anson Mount, who tends to be one of the weaker elements in this series, felt like he gave a great performance here.
As of now, we only have 9 episodes left of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, 3 episodes this season, 6 episodes next season. Before watching these 2, I was ready for it to end. Now…I’m still ready for it to end. I like more of it than I don’t, but even if the next 3 episodes knock it out of the park (which I doubt), this is still the weakest season of the series to date, and Season 3 wasn’t a winner either – indeed, I’ve liked each season less, as a whole, than the season which preceded it. I practically begged for this series to be made after Season 2 of Discovery reintroduced Pike’s Enterprise, but this is not what I had envisioned, and I know that’s not really the job of those who make the show, to make everything the way that I would want, but for me, Strange New Worlds has been the biggest disappointment for this Star Trek fan of any series in the modern era. There’s just so much untapped potential here – but I’m not sad that it’s ending, because I’m not at all convinced they would explore the characters in any more depth then they already have, which is to say, hardly at all. They are so keen on getting to Kirk and company, that they barely scratched the surface of Pike and his comrades. I don’t get it.
The pain increased as the day wore on. Aaron was playing the new Wolverine game. I decided to distract myself by replaying my favorite video game: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, which I’ve done many times at this point. I played for maybe an hour. And now I’m trying to get some work done on a few projects. Today has just been a bit blah. Hoping to get back in the groove this week.
Today’s journal entry song quote title is from “The Ballad of the Witches’ Road”, a song from the Marvel Studios Disney+ television miniseries Agatha All Along, written by composers Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez.[1] Eight versions of the song were used throughout the series; the main version is referred to as the “Sacred Chant Version”, but the one stuck that is most often stuck in my head is a mashup by Andy Wu that combines it with “Bloody Mary” by Lady Gaga, and in the video, also includes imagery from the series “Wednesday”, known as “The Ballad of the Bloody Mary Witches’ Road”:
Aaron and I watched Star Trek: Strange New Worlds S04E02 “The Griffin Incident” Thursday night (07-30-26). The episode is another of SNW’s horror themed tales, which was quite gorey for a Star Trek episode and which really disturbed Aaron, who doesn’t enjoy horror or gore of any kind. I was less bothered, but I still didn’t enjoy it very much, and while there was some horror trope fun in there for me, and some good continuity elements, there was a line about Kirk being a Boy Scout, which I hated so much (because of how it changes how a scene in “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” plays now) that neither of us felt great about this installment of the series.
Mary Ellen and Mark arrived on Friday (07-31-26). We had several workers at the FL house who got a lot of stuff done; it looks a lot better, vasty improved. I’d share pictures of this but I’m not sure how to do that until I get back to New York, so maybe I’ll update these posts later, or just put them in a new post. We’ll see. [Edit: Post Updated!]
We worked most of the day though I had to take extended breaks due to my disability. Everyone here knows that and were kind. I was able to join everyone for dinner at Giovanni’s, which was nice. We’ve never actually been at the house with Mary Ellen and Mark, though I have been to FL with Mary Ellen and Aaron, a little over 10 years ago, to see Aaron graduate from Full Sail University. 10 years. Crazy. And on that trip we also did Marvel-y stuff, seeing the premiere of “Captain America: Civil War” and riding Marvel themed rides at Universal.
I slept pretty well that night. Well enough that I basically got up at the same time as Aaron (on Saturday, August 1, 2026), rather than staying in bed for several more hours. Aaron, Mary Ellen and Mark had a meeting, with Aaron teaching them how to run the Air B&B, while some of the guys (Bruno and Pablo) replaced the various light switches. I had a smoothie so I needed to let my stomach settle but they were still at it later so lathered on the sunblock and went for a walk.
Aaron and I picked up Bernard from the airport; his flight was delayed a bit due to a thunderstorm, but he was with us soon enough to get to Ikea before they closed. But while we waited for him to arrive I got some unhealthy snacks due to desperation and hunger; there really weren’t any healthy options for me. I’m sure it’s fine; what matters is that I’d rather have something else and that junk food doesn’t make up the majority of my diet anymore – far from it. When we got back to the house it was about 9. We played a game of Cards Against Humanity with Mary Ellen and Mark (which Aaron won with 9; Bernard and I tied for 2nd with 8 each) then headed for bed.
Our bed, which has been very unstable for awhile, collapsed. We already had a new one ordered that we hoped to have delivered before we arrived but has been delayed until Monday. However, Mary Ellen and Mark’s bed collapsed the previous night, so they moved to another room, where that bed also collapsed. I don’t know what the fuck the long term renters did to this place but they really screwed us over. And we will be taking them to court! Despite all of that, I slept okay last night. The bed collapsed in the center so I kept trying to stay out of that space but kept falling back in. lol I got up relatively early (on Sunday, August 2, 2026), took my meds and had a smoothie. I’m just chilling now. I always need to sit for awhile after I eat.
I keep checking in to see how Spider-Man is doing at the box-office and the movie is clearly on track to be very successful, which is great news for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, because even though this is a Sony movie, it’s a chapter in an ongoing story with appearances by various characters, some of whom will appear in at least one of the upcoming Avengers films, with setups for “Avengers: Secret Wars” and the new “X-Men” as well. The next Marvel movie in theaters is “Avengers: Doomsday” in December, which as far as I know doesn’t feature most of these characters (though it definitely features one of them) but I wouldn’t be surprised if these characters pop up in a credit scene or something in that movie to bridge this story to “Avengers: Secret Wars”. We’ll also have more Marvel news in just 12 days time when the Marvel panel at D23 happens.
In 10 days I’ll be 52. And my concerns seem to be healthy. Good food and exercise, which honestly has never really been on my bingo card save for a brief period in 2006. It’s taken a lot to get from there to here, but I seem to have arrived. I didn’t know that it would take 20 years then, but I’m so happy that I started that journey when I finally did. I’m happy where I am. And I’m looking forward to where this path will take me next.
Oh! Funny story. The scale we use at home gives a crazy amount of information and one of the things it says about me is my “Muscle Mass”, which I assumed was BS, because while I know that everyone had muscles, I’ve never had muscles. But when I was applying sunblock 2 days ago I grew concerned and asked Aaron to look at something, because I thought my leg was swollen…only it was a muscle. lol I’m so clueless about health and food, but hopefully it’s adorable. We both laughed. lol
And something that just happened: Bernard walked by our door just as Aaron was opening it…with my erection on display. I would have covered up but I thought everyone was downstairs. lol He said he didn’t mind. lol
It sounds like the new couch, which wasn’t going to be here until tomorrow just arrived, which removes some of our collective stress! Today will be busy. We have 2 more nights here and then head out. Mary Ellen and Mark will head back to Michigan. Aaron will fly to Santa Fe. And Bernard and I will fly to NYC, though we don’t live close to one another, as he lives in the Bronx and I live in Manhattan. I’ve lived in NYC for nearly 14 years (having moved there on September 25, 2012) and spend most of my time in Manhattan, which is still confusing at times – and I’ve spent far less time in the other parts of the city. Perhaps in time that will change.
I went out with Aaron to run some errands before we wound down again, returning to our broken bed (which doesn’t look that bad in pictures, but when you’re in it, that’s a very different story – which is not a metaphor for our relationship!).
I’ve had this song stuck in my head for days and that’s the only reason that it’s today’s journal title song quote, really. “Dance No More” by Harry Styles, released on March 6, 2026, as the tenth track on his fourth studio album, “Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally.” (2026). Styles wrote the song alongside Thomas “Kid Harpoon” Hull, who was the song’s producer. It has been seen as a fan favorite of the album and has been highlighted in reviews. The song was released as the third single from the album with an accompanying music video on 7 May 2026.
Our flight to FL was not delayed and our journey was smooth. When we arrived the work / construction on our condo wasn’t finished and none of the rooms were done but we let them know which room was ours and they finished that one ASAP while we got groceries and I picked up some Italian Cheese Bread from Little Caesars, which is always fantastic in FL for some reason, and has a promotional tie-in with Spider-Man. When we got back, our room was ready. I showered and we finally went to sleep, totally exhausted – and I slept well.
Today (July 30, 2026) I ate relatively healthy. Actually, I ate healthier on the trip too; assorted nuts instead of chips, water instead of soda. I did go to McDonald’s yesterday but I had tea instead of soda. Little differences. Today I had two blueberry smoothies, the pita bread combo I eat – though the Cyclospora outbreak has reached FL and I’m nervous about the salad greens in these meals; worried / concerned about eating generally healthy food? Thanks Trump.
We saw “Spider-Man: Brand New Day”, which we both loved. The family next to us also loved it and the mom said it was the best movie experience she’s had in years. So that was fun. Really fun. The Multiverse Saga seems to be ramping up for a big finish with The Mutant Saga already being seeded to lead the way forward. If you told me that after seeing “The Avengers” with Aaron on opening night in 2012 that we’d be seeing more than 30 other MCU films together, I’d have laughed at you. But I’m not laughing now. We’re both looking forward to seeing “Avengers: Endgame Encore” in theaters in September and “Avengers: Doomsday” in December.
Some more of the construction here is wrapping up soon and then we’re going to try to watch the new Star Trek episode, and then head to bed.
Today’s journal title song quote comes from the famous 1960s Spider-Man theme, which was composed by Paul Francis Webster and Bob Harris. Per Wikipedia, the original song was recorded at RCA Studios in Toronto (where the cartoon was produced) featuring 12 CBC vocalists (members of the Billy Van Singers, and Laurie Bower Singers groups) who added to the musical backing track supplied by RCA Studios, New York. The singers were paid only for the session and have had no residuals from its use since then.
The song has since been adopted as Spider-Man’s official theme, including in-universe, and several different versions have popped up in several Spider-Man theatrical films, including “Spider-Man” (2002), “Spider-Man 2” (2004), “Spider-Man 3” (2007) [on the official soundtrack], “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” (2014), “Spider-Man: Homecoming” (2017), “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse” (2018) & “Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse” (2023).
I didn’t go to the party Saturday evening. I tried to get ready for it and so much was going wrong that I was quite stressed, but once I decided not to go (and had a rare Xanax) I calmed down considerably. I walked Aaron to the lot where our car was parked and then continued walking for a bit, first to Bennett Park and then heading back home. Oh, and I did text Ilyssa and Christopher. 🙂
The Marvel Comic Con news was slightly disappointing – but it was what I was actually expecting. Before it started I remembered that D23 is happening next month and how they have separated film and series news between the two presentations, so I figured we wouldn’t be getting the news I most wanted, which was for VisionQuest – which I do expect we’ll learn about at D23. They did make a few big announcements, including that Ryan Gosling will star in a Ghost Rider movie in 2028 & that Black Panther III will be out in December of 2028, with David Jonsson playing an adult version of T’Challa’s son from “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever”; how the character is aged up is rumored to be explained in next year’s “Avengers: Secret Wars”. Letitia Wright and Winston Duke are also confirmed to be returning in that movie (as Black Panther / Shuri & M’Baku), while Denzel Washington was revealed to have a role in the movie a long while ago. Ryan Coogler will also return to direct. I don’t really care about Ghost Rider. I’ve never been a big fan, though I did enjoy the version on Season 4 of “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”, played by Gabriel Luna. But I’m hyped about the Black Panther trilogy being completed 10 years (and 8 years and 10 months after the first film). That’s cool
There was also an “Avengers: Doomsday” panel, with another trailer, which hasn’t been officially released publicly. I’ve not watched the bootlegs because I’d rather wait to see it in high quality. But reports suggest the new trailer is even better than the first, with more context for who Doom is and what the film might entail. And though I was already aware the character would be returning, Hayley Atwell was on-hand to confirm that Peggy Carter will be in the film. Ryan Reynolds also made an appearance, which implies the the character MIGHT be in the movie. I’ve heard rumors that he is, but I try to avoid spoilers so I don’t actually know if he is or not, and I’d rather not know unless they officially announce it. Though, I suspect there are more than a few characters returning in either “Doomsday” or “Secret Wars” that we don’t know about, or at least I don’t, which is fine with me. Oh. And sadly, the Latverian Witch display did not feature a Scarlet Witch reference on the final day, and while many people are buzzing about her possibly returning, if it’s in “Doomsday”, we just don’t know yet. I’ve heard from a reputable source, that even if she’s not in the movie, she will be back soon. I just hope it’s true. I very much want Wanda, Vision, Billy & Tommy (and Agatha) to be reunited.
They did not announce the new “X-Men” film, despite it being in development and likely coming out in 2028. It’s rumored that they didn’t talk about it so as not to spoil anything from “Spider-Man: Brand New Day”, which opens on Thursday – and if so, there’s a very good chance that they’ll announce that at D23. And I’m looking forward to that for sure.
Sunday. I ate well, healthy. I went for a walk around the neighborhood, twice. Really it was one walk but I stopped by the apartment to drop off some groceries (pita bread and grape fruit yogurt), then headed out again. I’m sure I walked at least a mile, probably more. I was really pushing it.
I didn’t spend much time with Aaron on Sunday. When I was home he was really into watching Marvel. He told me that he wanted to watch Star Trek with me, but when he’s really into something, I have a difficult time interrupting him, even when I know he wants me to. It’s weird. It’s been a problem over the years. I was also just very tired after my walk. I didn’t sleep, but I was physically tired.
This morning (well, it was around noon) I weighed 190.4 lbs. I’ve lost over 30 lbs since 2024, 21 of them since March. It’s exciting to see results from what I’m doing, but it’s weird too. I’m really into it, but I’m trying constantly to let myself relax and not worry about it. I mean, despite being 20lbs overweight now, I’ve vastly improve since my last doctor’s appointment, well, the one where I got really horrible feedback and weird test results that were totally invalidated by their methods. But I’m excited to return and prove them wrong. A pound or two off is easy to ignore because people gain and lose a few pounds pretty regularly, but this can’t be ignored. All of my health scores have improved. All of them. Some of them still rank as higher than what they should be, but the improvement is impressive. And that makes me happy. that’s all. And I’m happy with what I’m eating. Today I’ve had a smoothie (Boost, protein powder, fiber, coffee, blueberries, almond milk, zucchini), several bottles of water with fiber, 2 pita breads with lettuce, hummus & Italian dressing, a piece of toast (high fiber bread) with chia seeds, a kiwi, and a mix of olives, almonds, pistachios, peanuts, sunflower seeds and pecans. That’s so different from when I was eating ice cream and potato chips every day.
I stumbled on this pendant, the central one with greyish stone, which my cousin Starr had given to me years before. She was wearing it and I told her I liked it and she immediately took it off and gave it to me. She was like that. That was also the last time I ever saw her alive. She died on January 31 of 2001. I thought about her while I got ready to go out. It was really just a series of moments, but she was very special and I can still remember how she looked and what her voice sounded like. She was one the relatives I came out to when I was finally telling more people and she was really lovely.
Also on my way out I traded calls and message with Mark Adams. He and his daughter Raven are watching most of the mainline Marvel Multiverse entries, in release order, as that’s how Raven wants to do it. I gave them a list and they’ve been following it. He said that they’ve finished “Thor: Love & Thunder” and will begin “She-Hulk: Attorney at Law” soon. They had been watching “Moon Knight” the last time I saw them, which means they’ve also seen “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” and “Ms. Marvel” since then, which I hadn’t thought of, so I didn’t ask what they thought of them. I’ll have to remember to talk about that next time.
I went for another walk today. It was overcast, very warm and extremely humid but I enjoyed the exercise. I had to stop at the pharmacy on the way home to fill a prescription that I’ll be out of before we return from FL. It was so HOT in that store. I was sweating a lot. When I got home my shirt was soaked through and I showered for the second time – I usually shower and shave before I leave as well, like I did today.
And then I sat down to write this while I ate. I really shouldn’t eat at my computer but I keep doing it just the same.
Today’s journal title song quote is from “The Only Living Boy in New York” by Simon & Garfunkel, which is the eighth track from the duo’s fifth and final studio album, “Bridge over Troubled Water”. The song was also issued as the B-side of the duo’s “Cecilia” single. I’d heard a lot of their music growing up, “The Sound of Silence” being one my mother’s favorite songs, but somehow I’d never heard this one (or I at least I didn’t remember it) until it was used in the final scene of the HBO film version of Larry Kramer’s “The Normal Heart” (2014), which I didn’t see until September 19, 2016 – and it was fucking incredible. I’ve since seen it at least twice more, and I’ll likely always associate the song with that movie.
