I just took a Xanax. There was awhile, years ago, when I would take them quite often. But just like with other methods that worked for me but were perhaps not the healthiest choice, I’ve severely limited my intake of this drug. For awhile it was a crutch, but now it is a tool that I can allow myself to use when I need it, and tonight I needed it.
I’m stressed. And I’m panicky beyond my circumstances. Aaron’s life is going through some major changes so I’m afraid that I seem selfish to be feeling like this, but that’s one of the contributing factors. His personal stress and his challenges affect my own. I like being stronger for him, but this week there are more issues than I usually have to deal with, and it’s the same for him, though he’s dealing with far more than me and much more gracefully.
Others issues include our upcoming travel. Sometimes I get so nervous before hand and it’s generally worse when I’ve not travelled in a few months. Before I moved to New York I had flown a few times. A trip to Florida. A trip to Las Vegas. A trip to San Francisco. But now we’ve flown so many times that I feel foolish for being nervous at all, but I am. We’ve probably flown to Michigan more than 30 times at this point. We’ve flown to Florida at least 6 or 7. We’ve flown to San Francisco, and London, and Rome, Barcelona and Texas. And thinking about it that way I probably don’t have anything to worry about, and yet I do.
I also feel a bit odd that I didn’t really get out today. Sure, I walked to the front of our building and stood outside a moment, but it’s not the same as walking a mile or two. And I only went out because I wanted to confirm that I could go out and that my desire to stay in wasn’t based in my weird fear of going outside. So that’s what I did. I got outside, I ate, I showered in the cold water. That’s another thing. Something wrong with our water pressure and we don’t have hot water. I’m trying to be an adult about this. So many people don’t even have water and I’m upset that the water isn’t warm enough? I noted earlier that it does keep me from lingering there. I wash and I get out. But I love taking my time in a hot shower. It’s where I do some of my best thinking.
My aide, Celine, who is a saint, is also not here this week. One of her cousins was murdered. It was so horrible! And they’ve had to wait a crazy amount of time for the funeral due to the investigation. And so I hope her travel goes smoothly and that she and her family can find some amount of healing from being together. When she’s not here it becomes even clearer how much she does for me. I’m aware otherwise and very grateful and I always, always thank her and speak well of her to her employers but it’s one other thing that this week is throwing at me.
I’m a whiner. I’m a glass half-empty kind of guy. But I’m trying not to be. Writing this is helping. I try to change the way I think. I try to reshape my thoughts and feelings, without denying them. I feel good that I let myself take the Xanax and that I don’t abuse it. I don’t think I’ve taken any in months, and I certainly haven’t taken a whole pill. But I’ve gotten better at recognizing when I need it and giving myself permission to take it. When I first started treatment with it, nearly 2 decades ago, in Michigan, I would let things get so bad before I took it, that the anxiety would get out of control. I would be shaking and on the verge of collapse. But I don’t let that happen anymore. It helps knowing what the drug can and cannot do for me. There are limits. The drug has limits. I have limits.
Another issue. I’m heading to doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I’ve gotten pretty good at getting to this building in the past, via 2 different trains. I mean, I usually take 2 trains to get there, not that I choose one or the other. But the stop that is near this building is closed. So the second train is pretty pointless. And I’ll need to walk pretty far to get there. There are buses that I could take but I’ve never trusted the bus system here. I find it very difficult to decipher the signage for busses here – but I’ve recently learned that others I trust have the same troubles. And so I will walk. It should take about 30 minutes on the train and then about 20 – 30 minutes of walking to get to the office. And then I get to come back the way that I came. And that will likely be all the walking I do tomorrow. I worry that I’ll get that leg pain again though.
I did get a lot done on my website. It took me hours and I’m convinced this will just make me seem that much more insane: I uploaded 36 more collages of ME. I compulsively make collages of all sorts of things but for my photos section I’ve put over a hundred collages of my face and other bits. It’s excessive. And yet I know that I have thousands more photos. But at least for now I think I’ll take a break from all that. It will give me time to get new pictures. lol Not something I need really, but I do like contrasting new and old photos. I tried to include pictures from the last 6 years in with the rest. We’ll see how that all shakes out. Perhaps I’ll cut way back on the number of collages here and just alternate them every now and again to keep it fresh? I don’t have a lot of feedback to go on, by design. People are such assholes online and I don’t want to have to deal with them, but that means I can’t accept any of the compliments either. Oh well.
I need to pack my backpack up now and get ready for bed. I need to get up by 9 and leave by 10. I’ll probably have a smoothie before I go.
Tonight lyric quote is from “Broken Head” by Catherine Wheel, from their essential 1993 album “Chrome”.
I’d share a link to the song here but Spotify is being shitty again. Which is why I’ve started including these photos and mentions of what the fuck I’m getting my title quotes from.
Edit: It’s Tuesday morning, May 19, 2026. I’ve had my smoothie. And Spotify is working so I’m adding the link to the song:
