Idiopathic Gastroparesis – BALD JASON'S GAY GOTH BOY BLOG

August 20, 2026August 21, 2026

“Somebody That I Used To Know”

Tuesday (08-18-26) afternoon, Aaron walked over to Columbia Hospital with me to see if I could get an appointment on the books (or even be seen that day); he’d tried to call to make this appointment but was transferred 3 or 4 times before he gave up. The walk was nice for me, and the company was excellent, but Aaron wasn’t feeling well. He apologised profusely for “slowing me down”, but I was outside with him to be with him, and I was quite content. We made it to the hospital and the people that helped us at the clinic were lovely. I’ve been to that hospital a few times over the years, but I’d never been to that clinic so they took some information. The guy who was checking my information, kept looking at me, then my information, and back at me. I didn’t understand what was happening, because I’m totally clueless, but Aaron knew right away and assured him that I am actually 52 years old. lol We all laughed. I have an appointment on Monday, though I’m not sure how helpful that will be – my symptoms could be gone by then. Still, I like this clinic and if this gets me in the door faster next time – and I suspect they’ll be able to give me some good advice, so I will still probably go.

Aaron still wasn’t feeling well. He had tried a new type of food that possibly had too much bread, which can cause issues with his lap band, so I suggested taking the A Train from 168 to 181st, and then I could stop at the grocery store there to get some more pita bread for myself.

We chilled during the afternoon. My stomach was feeling a bit wonky as well, which is totally normal for me, but we had plans to go see our friend Christian’s show at Joe’s Pub. My stomach was actually really bad, because I’d forgotten about the show and eaten more than I should have. It was all healthy food, but even healthy food is too much if I’m going to be out and about. Still, I decided to push through. I don’t often get to have these nights out with Aaron these days, and I don’t get to see Christian often. Plus Bernard would be performing, along with Tony Mowatt, who I hadn’t seen in years, so I got ready and off we went…

The show was a fun mix of Christian’s music. His work is really quirky, but also very heartfelt and personal – and it shows. I love the space, Joe’s Pub, because I’ve had so many fun experiences there over the years. I believe we’ve been going there since 2013? So a long time now. We’ve seen Jay Brannan (from “Shortbus“) perform there 3 or 4 times. We’ve seen Christian there at least twice – and I know he’s had more shows there, but I’m not always able to attend. Actually, I think this was the third time I’d seen him there. I think the first time we were there was to see Ryan Amador. Physically, it was rough for me, but it was worth it in the end. And seeing Christian afterward, who didn’t know I was there, was really lovely. Tony as well, who told me that I never age. I didn’t get to talk to him much, but he was fantastic. He played a guitar during one number and, I hadn’t known he played, but Aaron said that he plays something like 5 different instruments? Impressive.

Aaron’s former coworker Shawn Jeffery was there also and we had a brief conversation which felt…it felt like she had some anger that I had never noticed or suspected before, and it felt like she was expressing this the first time because she doesn’t work with Aaron now. This interaction felt hostile, but Aaron said that she’s awkward at times and that I may have misinterpreted the situation – which I hope I did, because I’ve always liked her as a person. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever see her again to find out, but whatever the case, I wish her well. Another of Aaron’s former employees, Nicole was there; I know she works with Christian now so I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. A nice surprise. I spoke to Vincent “Vinnie” Rutter-Covatto briefly and I traded texts with Glenn Seven Allen, who was busy with another show so couldn’t attend. Joseph Reese Anderson wasn’t there either, which was a bit surprising – too bad, because he’s awesome. There were lots of people there that I recognized that I’d have trouble putting a name too, but it’s a wonder that I remember as many as I do, really. I actually think I’ve improved in that arena. lol

On Wednesday, August 19, Aaron and I were planning on attending our second Zumba Class, but we still weren’t feeling too great. We mutually decided to not go, but I knew I at least wanted to go for a walk so I got ready to do that, and I caught my second wind and decided I would in fact attempt to go – though Aaron still didn’t feel like going. I made it to the class early and had another great experience. My stomach was not doing great so I only worked out for 50 minutes, versus 60, but I knew I was at my limit and that I also had to walk home, which is about 10 blocks, much of it uphill. I feel like it was worth it.

Today, August 20, I slept in. If you can call it that. I went to bed at 4am. I slept about 5 hours. I’m really struggling with sleep lately. But part of that has to do with my stomach and part of it has to do with my struggle with sleeping pills. I’m trying not to take them, but even when I do they don’t help much. When I did get up, I weighed myself for the first time in days and I was 189.4 pounds. That seems to be where I live now. Between 189 & 192. I got ready and went for a walk, finally wearing the shirt I got at Rocky Horror, back on July 3.

When I got to the subway my card was denied. That was a bit worrisome because that’s the card with my discount on it – and the card I will need to enter the Sky Club at the airport when I travel to Michigan in a little over a week from now. I used another one though and just managed to catch the train.

Fort Tryon Park was beautiful as always, but with the overcast sky and far more browned, fallen leaves than I expected, it really did feel like the onset of autumn, despite the warm weather. I walked over to Lindon Terrace, had some water, then started heading home. All in all this walk was about 1.5 miles. Not much in the grand scheme of things, but comfortable, and not pushing too hard with my stomach being bad – and on and off rain. I had an umbrella, but didn’t need it. It started pouring after I got home though.

I worked on my website for several hours, mostly on the Velgarth Reading Order, as I’ve been reading a bit of that before bed each night. There was a time when I’d read more of the series than I hadn’t, but no longer. There are now at least 20 full novels that I’ve never read and at least 10 anthologies, so I’m really far behind. Who know if I’ll ever catch up?

I took a shower when I got home, before the website work. I also wrote a poem and wrote down fragments of another, neither of which have been posted here yet. Later I took a restful nap. I’m winding down a bit now and may get ready for bed. I’m not certain I’ll sleep, but I could probably get some reading done. We’ll see.

Today’s journal entry title song quote is from “Somebody That I Used to Know”, an addictive single from Australian singer-songwriter Gotye, featuring vocals from the New Zealand singer Kimbra. Commercially, “Somebody That I Used to Know” was a global success and became both artists’ signature song.

August 18, 2026August 21, 2026

“All the Black Is Really White, If You Believe It”

The ways in which my diet has drastically changed in the last 5 months still astounds me, after smaller changes in the last 2 years. I used to have an ice cream shake every day. Sometimes (often) more than one. This is understandable, given that my stomach is partially paralyzed (and has been since August 13, 2001) and, well, that kind of cold, sweet desert, is helpful in such situations for all kinds of reasons that I don’t need to go into here. But I really don’t miss it at all. The smoothies I have instead, even though they’re quite basic compared to most people’s (I suspect), are packed with servings of fruit and vegetables. They’re also delicious and depending on my mood, often feature coffee. This morning I had a smoothie which contained cherries and zucchini. A short while later I snacked on a slice of Dave’s Killer Thin Sliced Good Seed bread (buttered and sprinkled with chia seeds), half a kiwi, a few pumpkin seeds, 3 or 4 plantain chips, a small sampling of nuts (peanuts, pecans, almonds, pistachios & cashews), roasted seaweed snacks (Seaweed, Sunflower Oil, Sea Salt), some green olives + 2 or 3 blue corn chips. That last item, which is very rare for me these days, would have been a main course in the past when I basically survived on chips, chocolate / candy and Boost protein drinks – oh, and lots of pizza. This morning, I drank water with these snacks. I liked fruit and veggies before, but I’ve never eaten them in such abundance or so consistently.

Also, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is heavily tied to food, or the lack thereof. When I was a kid, I suffered horrible experiences and I stopped eating. I never again sat at the kitchen table with my family and had a meal with them. I was 4 or 5. When my step-father married my mother, not knowing what I had suffered, he insisted I eat with them and I refused. He told me I would eat with them or not at all. 3 weeks later he took me to McDonalds and I gladly wolfed down my fries there. My not eating was a silent cry for help, which nobody ever answered. And now I’m answering the call, for myself, for the child I was then, who is still very much alive inside of me. I’m doing much better at that now, but it is something I’ve been struggling to do for 20 years, realizing that I could feed him back in 2006, I did my best but there were a lot of failures along the way. I keep him in my thoughts and touch base with him, almost like he’s another person, because when I don’t, and that broken circuit connects at random, it can be so overwhelming. I used to black out and wake up other places, not knowing how I got there. I had a lot of memory loss. I used to self harm as a coping strategy, which I have mostly gotten rid of. I say mostly because the urge still sometimes returns, though I don’t actually remember the last time I cut myself. It used to be daily. When I moved to New York, the first goal I designated for myself with my new therapist was that I wanted to find other ways to cope. I’ve never liked the idea of removing cutting from the list of coping skills that I’ve acquired – because as damaging as it obviously is, it has also been effective at keeping me alive – but my goal was to find new ways to deal, so that cutting wasn’t my go-to-strategy. I wanted options. And I worked at it. And I found them. And those new skills became a kind of muscle memory that I do without even thinking about it most times. And the urge to cut is now so low on the list of things I can do that it seldom even enters my brain, for which I’m grateful. I’m proud of the work I’ve done on that over the years, and like the change in eating, it feels like something I’ve earned, so it’s very satisfying to see these changes bearing fruit – that I would probably put in a smoothie these days! lol

So after writing all that I wrote a new poem, which can hardly be a surprise. Which is actually a really good example of how I touch base with and assure Little Jason.

I worked on what will eventually be a Doctor Whoniverse order (featuring the various spin-offs and the Big Finish audios) but it’s got a long way to go, and I’m starting to yawn a lot, so I think I’m going to try to get that extra sleep in now.

This morning’s journal entry title song quote is from “In This Twilight” by Nine Inch Nails from the 2007 concept album “Year Zero”. I used to have lyrics from the song, which I found comforting and inspiring, on my bedroom ceiling.

May 18, 2026

“God’s Got a Sick Sense of Humor”

I slept more than 9 hours Saturday night and then cuddled with Aron for about an hour. I managed to get outside again (15 days in a row) and walked to Fort Tryon Park again but the shin / ankle pain was back. I thought I’d sit on the bench outside the park when I got there, relax for a bit and then keep going, which is what I did on Friday, but I found that my phone wasn’t working, which caused some amount of panic and I decided I’d head home instead of going into the park itself. Part of that was pain I was feeling. Part of it was the stress of the phone not working. But another part was that the heat, in the upper 80s, had started to feel oppressive. I made home okay and Aaron handled the phone – although I hope his solution works out. He paid a bill we don’t owe (for a crazy amount of money), thinking they will pay him back which I’m not comfortable with – but it isn’t my money, and he’s usually right about these things.

I took a shower. Our water pressure has had problems lately and this was no different. But we also don’t have much hot water, which hasn’t been a problem for us in years. I don’t like this, but we’re having someone in to look at it.

Later, after a delay of about a month, I finally watched the final 2 episodes of Season 1 of The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power which were epic in scope, filled with the sweeping vistas, fantastic acting and production design, and all the other wonderful elements I’ve now come to expect from the series. And I cried a lot. It made Aaron happy that I’m enjoying the show (which he binged earlier this year) and that we can talk about this season in full now. He did spoil one thing accidentally, but I’m actually quite relieved rather than angered. That particular secret seemed far too dragged out for me so his reveal pleased me a great deal. And though I’m happy I get to watch at least 2 more seasons of the series, I love how this ending works. If the series had been cancelled after this season, it would still be wonderful, it would still feel like an excellent prequel to the films and although there are dangling plot threads, none of them seems so overwhelming that this ending could not have been satisfying on its own. I wish more series would do this.

We had a Zoom call with Aaron’s sister, which was lovely. I’d called her from the car on Saturday and she requested my presence in their weekly chat. It was all enjoyable but I left them for bed around 10.

I slept relatively well Sunday night. No cuddles in the morning as I woke up very hungry and thirsty. My stomach has not been as well behaved today as it has been the last few days, and so I began working on my website, which I’ve now done all day. I’ve not been outside yet, but I’d like to get out for a bit so that I don’t lose my record! But I don’t know if I’m up to going to Aaron’s pool game tonight, because I don’t know that I’m up for being out late. I have a doctor’s appointment that I have to travel for tomorrow and then Wednesday we travel, flying to Florida to check on our house there, which has apparently suffered some damage from the last occupants. I love our house in FL and I like going there, but I always find travel to be a bit stressful, so I’m not looking forward to that part.

Today’s song quote title is from Depeche Mode’s “Blasphemous Rumors”, from their excellent 1984 album, “Some Great Reward”.

September 15, 2018April 26, 2026

Things Coming Back Up

I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, which is mostly tied into food; how I think about food and how I react to food is far from normal. I find this humiliating and embarrassing. The trauma occurred when I was very young. I know most of what happened but some of that isn’t really my story to tell, which has left me in a conundrum. I talk about my history. I talk about my experiences. It’s one of the reasons I have such a high success rate with therapists. I’m introspective by nature and I have very few boundaries which I won’t cross in any given conversation if others are open to such things. And yet this piece of me that most people never actually see is something I can’t often discuss openly. I had to tell the judge who ruled on my case who almost immediately granted me disability, and I had to tell the eating disorder specialist who had to evaluate me to confirm that I wasn’t suffering from an eating disorder as part of a surgical prep. These interviews were very thorough and very painful. Yet I know that talking about these things often robs them of their power, even if they can make me feel worse in the short term. But I’m limited in what I can say here. I can’t tell you why I am this way, because, again, this isn’t only my story and the other half of this equation must never be rushed or confronted; that person was a victim too and it would be wrong for them to be treated poorly because I wanted or needed to share. So I’ll skip all of that. It’s enough that my partner and my care team knows.

Today there was a meal on the calendar; a meeting of friends at a local pub. I was invited but told I didn’t have to attend; they could meet me afterwards. I was grateful for the care of the invitation, and I tried to not let any of its implications trigger me.

Triggers. I’ve hated the concept of “trigger warnings” in media ever since I first encountered the term, yet I’m grateful for the trigger warnings that those in my life send to me. For those who don’t follow such things, triggers are simply situations which are likely to cause an episode of intense stress, which can cause negative outcomes for those that are triggered – the results and circumstances vary from person to person. In the last month or so my triggers have been far more intense, because I’m actively seeking to treat my PTSD, which means revisiting all sorts of things which happened in the past. I understand why people avoid such things, and I’ve done so myself, but I’ve never truly escaped my past; clearly it’s very near, if not dear to me. The last time I was this close to tapping into these issues I had a nervous breakdown. I stopped eating. I called my mom and I texted Aaron, telling them I couldn’t do it anymore. There were emergency therapy sessions; suicide prevention measures. I didn’t eat any solid food for over a month. I was removed from my job. That was in September 2014. Just over 4 years ago. But that time I was unprepared for this madness; I went in expecting something completely different and I hit a wall. The wall is still there but I hope to bring that wall down. I’m not picking at a scab; I’m fighting to heal myself from wounds that have been slowly killing me.

For the last 4 years I’ve struggled to learn skills which might help prevent this situation from happening again – the breakdown part I mean. These skills, these tools to help are clearly in effect, though they continue to evolve. Again, last time I was here, in this kind of internalized warzone, I couldn’t eat and often cut myself open, though usually to help ground me to reality rather than out of any attempt to kill or severely wound myself; my wounds were internal and decades old; I was just admitting that they were there. This time there’s been almost none of that. Eating is tricky; everything about food right now is a landmine. I can barely eat when others are near me. I freak out at the slightest smells, hints of food. But I’ve not done any cutting. I’ve been tempted a couple of times but I’ve found healthier alternatives so far. I write. I breathe. I ground. I fuck; sex can often ground me better than anything else. And I communicate with Aaron and with Anna (my therapist). Aaron and I light scented candles when there’s food around. There are foods or places with food that don’t trigger me at all and I keep a map of these places in my head at all times.

This complex reaction to food is something that’s been with me most of my life. I survived on snack foods through most of my upbringing. When my mother bought our groceries it was the norm for me to get only potato chips and sodapop. I remember avoiding any situation where this behavior would be recognized. I went to camp once and the nurse flagged me as having an eating disorder very quickly; she discovered that I liked apples and provided them to me every day that I was there and I never returned to that camp. Occasionally I’d have a babysitter; an older cousin or a family friend – and both fought to get me to eat. One got me to take a bite of a sandwich with the promise of candy. I didn’t have another sandwich until 1994, after a one night stand took me to Zingerman’s. The other sitter found out I liked peanut butter and would make sure there was a jar handy. In High School eating in the cafeteria was optional and so I never went there. I entered the cafeteria twice on a single day, in June 1996, before and after my graduation ceremony – and this was 4 years after the majority of my peers had graduated.

My PTSD has been complicated by a physical condition, which may or may not have been caused by my PTSD. It’s physical; it’s been proven scientifically, demonstrably, with various tests but there’s a school of thought that suggests that my PTSD might have caused this condition and I’m open to that – I’ve come at this problem from every angle – physical therapy, cognitive therapy, psychology, psychiatry, surgery, prayer, good vibes, meditation, oils…they don’t know what’s caused this. My stomach is partially paralyzed; it’s called gastroparesis. I’m physically ill almost every time that I eat. When I eat, my stomach doesn’t contract so the food that I consume doesn’t leave my stomach as quickly as it should. In fact, most of it comes back up – which is gross and off putting and humiliating. This often leaves me exhausted and / or dehydrated. Foods that are often recommended to people as healthy are foods that can harm or possibly kill me. This complicates everything. It also calls attention to something that I’d much rather not have to talk about. My condition is idiopathic, which just means they don’t know why I have it. Most people that have my condition are diabetic, but I’m not; I’ve been tested repeatedly. However, a working theory is that I’m genetically predisposed to the condition because diabetes does run in my family, and on some level, at some point my PTSD likely triggered that genetic switch…and here I am. Basically, I believe that I’m here because I didn’t face this stuff before. Not facing it now could lead to still more negative side effects. Which is why ignoring it isn’t really an option for me.