“God’s Got a Sick Sense of Humor”

I slept more than 9 hours Saturday night and then cuddled with Aron for about an hour. I managed to get outside again (15 days in a row) and walked to Fort Tryon Park again but the shin / ankle pain was back. I thought I’d sit on the bench outside the park when I got there, relax for a bit and then keep going, which is what I did on Friday, but I found that my phone wasn’t working, which caused some amount of panic and I decided I’d head home instead of going into the park itself. Part of that was pain I was feeling. Part of it was the stress of the phone not working. But another part was that the heat, in the upper 80s, had started to feel oppressive. I made home okay and Aaron handled the phone – although I hope his solution works out. He paid a bill we don’t owe (for a crazy amount of money), thinking they will pay him back which I’m not comfortable with – but it isn’t my money, and he’s usually right about these things.

I took a shower. Our water pressure has had problems lately and this was no different. But we also don’t have much hot water, which hasn’t been a problem for us in years. I don’t like this, but we’re having someone in to look at it.

Later, after a delay of about a month, I finally watched the final 2 episodes of Season 1 of The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power which were epic in scope, filled with the sweeping vistas, fantastic acting and production design, and all the other wonderful elements I’ve now come to expect from the series. And I cried a lot. It made Aaron happy that I’m enjoying the show (which he binged earlier this year) and that we can talk about this season in full now. He did spoil one thing accidentally, but I’m actually quite relieved rather than angered. That particular secret seemed far too dragged out for me so his reveal pleased me a great deal. And though I’m happy I get to watch at least 2 more seasons of the series, I love how this ending works. If the series had been cancelled after this season, it would still be wonderful, it would still feel like an excellent prequel to the films and although there are dangling plot threads, none of them seems so overwhelming that this ending could not have been satisfying on its own. I wish more series would do this.

We had a Zoom call with Aaron’s sister, which was lovely. I’d called her from the car on Saturday and she requested my presence in their weekly chat. It was all enjoyable but I left them for bed around 10.

I slept relatively well Sunday night. No cuddles in the morning as I woke up very hungry and thirsty. My stomach has not been as well behaved today as it has been the last few days, and so I began working on my website, which I’ve now done all day. I’ve not been outside yet, but I’d like to get out for a bit so that I don’t lose my record! But I don’t know if I’m up to going to Aaron’s pool game tonight, because I don’t know that I’m up for being out late. I have a doctor’s appointment that I have to travel for tomorrow and then Wednesday we travel, flying to Florida to check on our house there, which has apparently suffered some damage from the last occupants. I love our house in FL and I like going there, but I always find travel to be a bit stressful, so I’m not looking forward to that part.

Today’s song quote title is from Depeche Mode’s “Blasphemous Rumors”, from their excellent 1984 album, “Some Great Reward”.

“I knew then it would be a life long thing…”

I slept well. Another morning of Aaron cuddles. We spoke to Mary Ellen, my sister Janice and my grandmother Frances for Mother’s Day. And I went for a walk. 8th Day outside in a row! I walked to the grocery store for salad dressing and picked up a few other items, all healthier than I sometimes do, and I wasn’t even tempted for sweets or chips. That’s not always the case. Aaron cleaned up a bunch of stuff that only he could do and we just seem to be having a nice day.

On my walk, I listened to a mix of Tori Amos songs, and I put on the Tori shirt that Sean gave me 25 years ago. It was just 10 minutes or so of giving him a moment. It was nice. Respectful. Healing. Sometimes I need to do that with people I’ve lost along the way.

“With or without words, I’ll confide everything”

I spent all day yesterday cleaning. It started with me looking for my camera, which had been packed up late last summer when our apartment was being remodeled and we needed to be elsewhere. Many of those boxes have been unpacked since then but there were still a dozen or so that had lingered around the apartment. I actually found the camera in about 20 minutes but I had energy and I felt like I was on a roll. Plus, looking around at all the clutter, it all seemed to be things I could do on my own.

I like to clean on my own. I actually hate having people around when I clean. Sometimes I listen to loud music or dance while I’m doing it. But even when I don’t, I’m a very disorganized person and trying to organize things takes a lot of brain power, which is diminished when I need to stop and talk to someone about what I’m doing every 5 to 10 minutes. Aaron likes cleaning with me because he is very good at organizing and delegating, which I respect, but his delegating, when I’m pushing my limits, can feel like he’s ordering me to do tasks, even when he’s very polite about it, so I get frustrated really quickly. I’d rather just do it on my own.

Having said all of that, I was quite happy when my aide arrived for the day. My aide, Celine, works with me from 2 to 6 every week day. Often, due to my disability, I don’t have the energy I used yesterday. And if I eat, I’m pretty much down for the count. So I didn’t eat. I drank a lot of fluids though, which I should always do, but again, when I eat and drink a lot, it can get be disastrous.

Anyways, I cleaned everything on my own. I made piles of garbage and cardboard and such – which my aide kindly took out for me. I told her she was an angel, because if I’d had to do that I’d have either put it off until today or I’d have collapsed. She also made my bed, did a load of laundry and picked up a prescription for me. Bless her. Together we made everything look so much better!

Before:

After:

After all that, I showered and ate a relatively large meal. I had an omelette with chia seeds, flax seeds, spices and three cheeses. I drank water. I worked on my website for a bit but I was getting tired pretty quickly. Not only had been working all day but I hadn’t slept great the night before. I considered fighting through it but I started getting a migraine and decided I’d rather be asleep. It took me longer to get to sleep than I expected but once I was in I slept a little under 7 hours. I got up and had a snack (olives) and later went back to bed to get some Aaron cuddles before he had to leave for work. He just walked out the door as I was typing this. He usually works at home these days but needs to be on site most of this week and then he’s off to L.A. for another work trip, so our time together will be relatively limited.

Train Robbery

Dancing ecstatic
on a Barrel of a Gun
until mariachi band boards the train
and hideous smelling woman’s back fat
covered in deceptive pink
is pressed between slats to assault,
scar, wound and torment
my once focused psyche.

Pig thing whines and runs
as NIN sings
about Year Zero.

Thank Trent! (with a silent Capital G)

Written by Jason Wright
July 31, 2017

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