“Memories of Green”

Memories. Some of them are vibrant and overwhelming. Others seem muted or faded as an old drawing.

Yesterday marked 10 years since the Pulse Nightclub Massacre, when 29-year-old Omar Mateen shot and killed 49 people and wounded 58 in a mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. We read about it 10 years ago today. I was so shaken. A couple of weeks later, at PRIDE (on June 24), the owners of the club were there on the pier and they read the names of the victims as I wept. Bob the Drag Queen performed, and so did Todrick Hall, who later released a documentary (“Behind the Curtain”) which features us in the audience + a NYC Pride sign that we had our picture taken with.

An acquaintance of mine, a kid who had a crush on me but was way too young for me when we met, Perris, was there at Pulse and had survived. He died in March of 2024 of complications from surgery, age 34.

A year ago, Aaron and I were at LaGuardia International Airport in Queens heading to Michigan for a visit with Aaron’s family + his 41st birthday:

The man sitting across from us is flirting with a woman way out of his league and laughing like a Muppet on acid. I’m embarrassed for both of them.

13 years ago, Aaron and I got word that work was wrapping up on our “new condo”, which is where I’m writing this post from. No longer new, and in my brain I think of it as an apartment, rather than a condo, but I’m not sure that really matters.

16 years ago, I was still happy with the Doctor Who episode that had aired the day before, S05E11 “The Lodger”, which features James Corden, who I thought was funny at the time, though I now find him to be completely obnoxious.

7 years ago today, Aaron and I arrived in our new hotel in San Francisco (for an opera conference) and later I had a reunion with Jen Beam; she lived across the Golden Gate Bridge, which I crossed for the first time on a bus. It seems like yesterday and forever ago all at once. I hooked up with several exes while we were there (Jen & Mark) but I only got fucked by one of them (Shawn)! With Aaron’s permission of course. We have a mostly open relationship but I don’t really take advantage of it much. That was the only time I hooked up with anyone without him, and I likely would have included him but he was busy and there were emotional things that needed to be worked through and discussed. It was very healing.

11 years ago, Mary Ellen was in town for Aaron’s birthday and took us to see “Finding Neverland” on Broadway, which featured Matthew Morrison & Kelsey Grammer; I remember they made a funny “Cheers” joke. We ate at the Jolly Monk that day. It was a difficult day actually, due to my own psychological bullshit, but I made the most of it.

14 years ago, last night, was the Goth Prom at Factor Night at Necto. I was a Necto / Nectarine Ballroom devotee from January 1994 – September 2012, with a few stops put in in the months that followed.

17 years ago today, my grandparents renewed their wedding vows. I took my then boyfriend, Michael Slaughter, with me. I didn’t know then but he’d already cheated on me more than a dozen times. But the day was lovely. And my sister Janice and I sang. My mother was there. Michael and I called it quits in early 2011. My mother died in July of 2021, while her father, my grandpa died last year.

Today’s music is “Memories of Green” from the film “Blade Runner”. I’ve not heard The New American Orchestra version in decades, and while I love the original Vangelis version, this is the version I owned when I was a kid. And it feels appropriate to share it here.

“I’ve forgotten how to dream my own dream”

I had a rough evening yesterday. I was already a little sad when I wrote yesterday but I wasn’t sure why. I had listened to the new Tori Amos album. Later, in the shower, I realized that Sean Mobley would never hear this album, despite him enjoying her music even more than I do and it hit so hard that I wept, which I don’t often do when I think about Sean. I get a little down sometimes when I think about him, but I seldom shed tears. I’m not sure why. But I was exhausted. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed early, frustrated that I didn’t feel up to expressing what was happening. I spoke to my sister Janice on the phone and then called Grandma for a quick goodnight.

Around then my sleeping pill kicked in and everything is a blur, but I appear to have eaten a bit, which annoys me. I don’t remember what happened and that always bugs me, but I did sleep very well. When I woke up around 5am I came out to the office and wrote a poem about Sean and the new Tori album. This is the first poem that I’ve written since creating the website and having a place for it to go without posting it on Facebook, which feels good. I might share this with Sean’s mother. She’s always been very supportive of me.

One of the things that Janice and I discussed last night was death. Death and our mother. Dreams we have of her. When Janice dreams about her she knows in the dreams that mom is gone, but in my dreams I don’t usually know. She’s also usually not the focus of whatever dreams she appears in. Janice says she also dreams about our grandfather quite often, but I don’t think I do at all. He died a year ago this month.

I listened to more Tori and worked on organizing the photos I’ve used in the collages in the my photos section to help prevent me from reusing the same photos when the whole point is to contrast old and new with everything given a new spin. I should have been doing this all along but I wasn’t sure how I wanted to go about it and I’m still not sure that what I’m doing is the best, but it will do for now.

I went back to bed for some Aaron cuddles but I was feeling restless and left after about 40 minutes. I’m hungry and should eat soon, but I’m not sure what I’m going to have. I’m just hoping for a productive day. And if I can get outside that will be 5 days in a row. It’s very sunny out right now, which is an improvement on yesterday’s overcast sky. It should be about 65, which isn’t bad.

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