“Only Fools Do What I Do”

Saturday (09/26/26) Aaron and I did go see Avengers: Endgame Encore, which we both enjoyed. The theater was mostly sold out – not every seat was full, but every row was nearly full, with just a seat here or there empty. I wasn’t sure how many people would go to see a release of a 7 year old film, even with a few new scenes. It was a good time. People cheered, gasped, clapped, laughed and cried in the appropriate scenes, even though most of them had seen the film before. I cried 3 times myself. The new material amounted to 2 fun introductions + a new final scene & 3 credit scenes. All of it was amazing. Aaron and I are both very hyped for Avengers: Doomsday in December and various other upcoming Marvel projects.

I was very uncomfortable before leaving for the film. I was bleeding a little from my surgery (which was expected), but it was not pleasant. But I pushed through because Aaron was so excited to see the movie and I’m glad I did because it really was a fun experience. And because I knew the movie very well, I didn’t feel bad heading to the bathroom a couple of times. We didn’t end up watching any Star Trek. We still haven’t actually. When I do think of watching Strange New Worlds, Aaron isn’t around. And when he’s around, I don’t want to watch it at all. It just hasn’t been good enough. And also, I’ve just not been watching much of anything lately – while Aaron has been watching more than ever. I think he’s binged all of “Loki” since seeing the movie. I don’t think I’ve watched anything.

On Sunday (09-27-26) we stayed in. and mostly worked on our own projects. He mostly watched TV and played video games. I worked on my website and also played video games. I’m still playing Breath of the Wild. Still reading Magic’s Pawn. Nothing much has changed really. Oh. Except that on Sunday I weighed myself and I was down to 180.4.

I’ve said this a lot lately, but again, this is the lowest I’ve weighed in years. I’m still about 10 lbs over what I used to weigh most of the time, but I’ve come a long way. I’ve lost 40 lbs since last year and 30.6 of those lbs have been lost in the last 6 months. I’m doing really good work on my health. I feel good. There are other parts of my life that need work, but it’s a balance and a process and I think healthy ties into nearly everything else, so that’s really good.

Also, the pain from my September 18th procedure is gone now. That’s nice. And in the last few months I’ve struggled to feel sexual in any way, and I feel like some of that is coming back, due in part to several therapies and self-love type experiments. And all of that is contributing to my sense of wellbeing. There’s a lot of stress in my life currently, having to do with money and people that I love who need help (not with money) and I want to be there for them, and I’m worried that I’ll fuck that up somehow. But otherwise, I’m doing pretty well.

On Monday (09-28-26) I went out with Aaron to attend one of his pool games at the Metropolitan Bar in Brooklyn. I’d been there before with him, but it had been several years. Fun was had. I met several new players, one of whom, Parker, carried on a fun conversation. I also met random bar people (Tyler, Michael & Joseph), who entertained me. Those 3 and a 4th are roommates who live in Ridgewood. Michael and Joseph are brothers; Michael is 7 years older than Joseph, in his 30s while Joseph is 26 – they’re both from Georgia. Tyler is from Minnesota. They were so much fun to talk to. I hope we cross paths again someday, or if not, that they just continue to be fun people.

I stayed in on Tuesday (09-29-26). I had therapy, which was productive. And I got a lot of work done on my Marvel Multiverse Guide, finding a new format that seems to be perfect – except later I found that there was a problem that I either need to solve now or run into it multiple times, which would be exhausting. So I had to stop. Which was frustrating. So, I did a rudimentary guide for A Song of Ice and Fire, so I could feel like I finished something! lol

Aaron went to choir for the first time this season. I was working on all that and had some success and something I’ve struggled with for years. It doesn’t mean I’m cured, but it’s a positive experience and that’s good. Later I spoke to my grandmother on the phone before heading to bed, just as Aaron arrived home. I slept from about 10 to about 3. I got up to pee and came back to bed but the TV was on and it seemed to be too bright. I couldn’t tell if it was actually brighter than normal and that I should risk adjusting it (and possibly waking Aaron) or if I was just being hypersensitive to any light (which can be a problem for me), so I just decided to get up. I knew I wanted to work on my site. I worked on several collages, which will be posted at a later time – as I want to randomize them and post several at once. Then I wrote a poem, inspired by that collage. And then I wrote this blog entry.

I need to go shower with Aaron now (or cuddle if there is time).

All the songs from this Troye Sivan album are still stuck in my brain, so I just picked another of the songs today. “Fools” is where this blog entry title springs from, from “Blue Neighborhood”.

I really do need to run!

“I Smell Your Sweat On My Skin”

I did not sleep well Friday night, only getting about 5 hours. I also had potato chips on Friday, which for many years was a staple of my diet. Every day. But I’ve since noticed that I don’t like how I feel after I eat them, which feels bizarre to me. They are the ultimate comfort food for me, and yet they make me feel horrible, so I’m starting to feel about them the way that I imagine alcoholics feel about alcohol. I hate them, but I crave them and every once in awhile I break down and have them, and then I feel like shit for hours after. I don’t like it. But I like that I can recognize the connection, when I’m not sure that I would have just a few years ago.

I got ready for the Stonewall Chorale talent show party hours in advance and then just chilled. Well…chilled isn’t the right word. I didn’t relax. I just waited. And I felt slightly trapped. I wanted to go for a walk but didn’t feel I could. I mean, I had the time, but anytime I go out I risk not having the energy to do things later and I didn’t want that. But long story short, we did eventually go, and despite some delays, we made it in time for plenty of fun. We actually drove through Manhattan, The Bronx and Queens to get to Brooklyn so we were in 4 of the 5 NYC boroughs – I jokingly tried to get Aaron to take us to Staten Island so we could hit all 5 but he refused. I read this poem in the talent show, which was a hit despite me not reading it incredibly well; it felt nice to contribute to the group. Two others also read poems. 2 people played drums. 1 did martial arts. There was a fortune teller reading. Tricks with cherry stems. A dramatic performance. Interpretive dance. It was all very lighthearted and joyful. It was so much fun to see so many people outside of the choir setting. with many of them behaving very differently – not in a crazy way. I just mean, people were more relaxed and there was more time to actually talk and bond. It was lovely.

Oh. And going to the party marked my 14th consecutive day out of the apartment! I think 4 days was my record when I started this and so I’m doing really, really well. And with the walks to the park I’ve walked at least 9 or 10 miles this week. That’s crazy. It seems impossible to me, and yet I was there for it. I feel good.

After the party, on our way home, we drove Nicole and Nick to their places. It was nice to have still more conversations. After we were both safe inside I quickly began getting tired and started getting ready for bed around 8. By 9 I was in bed and falling asleep fast. I slept for something like 9 hours. I got up briefly but went back to bed knowing that Aaron would want to cuddle, which I did for almost another hour, and then I got up. I had a cherry smoothie and uploaded several more poems. I will continue to work on the site for a bit and then I will likely go for another walk, which I’ll invite Aaron on but I don’t know if he’ll go or not. We have a phone / video date with his sister tonight. And beyond that I don’t know what else is in store today. I have a G.I. appointment on Tuesday and then we leave for Florida on Wednesday.

Today’s journal entry quote comes from “Breakfast in Vegas” by Praga Khan. This song was playing at a San Francisco club in October of 2000, when a woman called me a gay slur before I started making out with her boyfriend, which I described in my poem.

Sexy Traitor

I instruct him
in destruction;
in my need for his seduction…

And he rises
to occasion;
nearly late from masturbation…

I run for trains with courage found,
Express train travel:
Brooklyn bound…

I feel ill from my confusion,
Sex drenched ultimate illusion,
Might cost more than just my soul:

Excess lust within control.

Written by Jason Wright
July 26, 17

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